It was the second night of fourteen. I still had time, but not that much time. Once we got to California, the training would take front and center and then who knows when I’d next have real alone time with him.

I paced my room. I hated being alone like this. Hated having nothing to do, no schedule, zip. I peeked out the window and watched. The boat was so big it felt like the water was moving, not us. It soothed me for a second but I was soon back to pacing again.

I took a deep breath.

I was an attractive, competent young woman who could achieve anything she put her mind to. I was smart. I was good looking. I was fit as hell, and strong. And Todd, irritating fucker that he was, was actually right about something: I did treat love like it was some kind of competitive game. This is how it always goes in the movies though, right? The too-tough bitchy girl learns to get in touch with her cheesy feminine side and the main character guy realizes she had been a babe all along. Right? Right.

I sat down on the dressing table chair and examined my reflection. I looked a little less severe without the braids, but it wasn’t enough. I had to look vulnerable. I sighed and rummaged in my toiletry bag. Time for my war paint.

“Come on, Charlie,” I muttered under my breath. “You’re a warrior, you’re a badass. If you can turn over tractor tires, you can sure as hell put on a bit of lipstick.”

I pulled it out and looked at it. After a series of embarrassing failures in real life makeup shops, I had decided instead to buy this …thing online. ‘Maybelline Glow Shine Maxxx in Sparkling Pink Nougat’ my Amazon receipt had read. Ugh.

I clenched my jaw, unwrapped it and wound it up till a faint pink nub poked out at the end. I tried applying some to my pouted lips and, to my surprise, it didn’t look all that bad. I closed it, kissed my lips together a few times and examined my reflection again. Sure, I wasn’t a runway model or anything, but that was definitely a step in the right direction. Right?

In a heartbeat I was furiously rubbing my lips again, smearing the glitzy pink wax off onto the back of my hand. I looked at my reflection again. Ugh. I was a fucking monster. Big old beak nose. Small shitty eyes. Crooked teeth. No boobs. I was ugly as hell. Just what did I think I was going to achieve with this dumb shit anyway?

With all the fury I could muster I hurled the lipstick into the trash can and leant forward to smear the rest of the lipstick off on the fabric of my black jeans. I didn’t want to, I honestly didn’t, but all at once I started to cry. It happens sometimes, and I have no idea where the tears come from. But I smeared these away too, sniffed loudly and tried to pull myself together again. It was just too easy. Too obvious. The only remaining female trainee was crying alone in her room like a little baby? No. That sure as hell wasn’t going to be me.

I hesitated a moment, got to my knees and started rummaging around under the bed instead. Once my fingertips touched that familiar package, I pulled it out: a small cellophane bag with two non-descript pills inside. I didn’t want it to come to this. I had stewed over it for days, ever since that guy in the bar had offered them to me. But desperate times, desperate measures and so on. I needed more than pretty pink lipstick if I was going to get what I wanted.

People are more willing to grant others a little weakness after they’ve already achieved something. Once I made it through the training in one piece, I could slow down a little, I could stop, maybe think about things.

But not yet.

My eyes scanned the room. I found a pair of spoons in the kitchenette drawer, and proceeded to crush one of the pills between them, placing the powder back in the cellophane bag and hiding the other pill back under the bed. I put the cellophane baggie in my pocket.

I took a final stock of my image in the mirror. Screw the heels I’d brought along. Screw the dress. And most especially screw the damn lipstick. I was wearing a simple green tank top, tight jeans and flats, and I looked good. I was a strong, capable, confident woman, just as I was. I didn’t need any of that other shit.

I peeked out of the window and noticed something that gave me pause – the weather outside looked suddenly insane. I hadn’t noticed it change. I pressed my nose up to the round glass and watched what looked like a swirled oil painting done in blue and black and sickly green. The water was opaque and peaking up in irregular, chaotic looking waves that didn’t break but only seemed to swell bigger and bigger. The sky was mottled with heavy clouds choking out any last rays of the sunset. I didn’t know much about ocean weather patterns, but it didn’t look normal to me. Nevermind. It would be a good excuse to not have to get into my damn bikini.

I took a deep breath and left the room – the party would have already started. And I needed to find Todd.

“You’re looking dapper this evening,” I said when I finally found him.

“Why thank you! I can clean up nice, you know,” he said and did a little twirl. He looked amazing. He smelled good, too.

“Can I get you a drink?” I offered. He held up his hands to signal no.

Ok. Fine. Just play it cool. I had all night, no need to rush.

“I’m still putting my liver back together after last night, thank you very much.”

He was super friendly, but he seemed distracted somehow. Maybe the heels would have been a good idea after all.

“I hear things got a little out of hand last night,” I said.

“Yeah, you could say that. Why do you never join us though? We missed you there. You’re part of our team, Charlie.”

I shrugged.

“And get up to the nonsense that you clowns get up to? No thanks,” I said and laughed.

“So you heard about the …the branding thing, huh?”

“Yeah, I had breakfast with Adam this morning and he told me. I think he just needs to call his mom and think about his life choices for a while.”

We both laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink? Come on,” I said.

“OK. Yeah, why not, I’ll get something.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. Surprise me,” he said, his eyes still glued to the door like he was waiting for someone. Oh, I’d surprise him all right.

I nodded and went off to the bar to order two beers, asking specifically that they be kept in their dark glass bottles. The bartender didn’t seem to mind this request. Then, when the coast looked clear, I huddled myself into a corner, quickly slipped the cellophane baggie from my pocket and sprinkled its contents into one of the beers, swirling quickly to dissolve it and wash away the white powder streaks inside.

“Charlie! Hey, there you are!”

I spun around to see Todd behind me. With somebody else. A woman.

“This is Ellie. Ellie, Charlie, Charlie, Ellie,” he said and gestured between us.

“Nice to meet you,” she said sweetly. “Todd says you’re like, the meanest, toughest, baddest member of their team.”

I cringed inside. I already hated her, and not just because she was standing so close to him.

“Well, you have to be mean and tough to put up with this guy,” I said, and moved myself closer to him.

She smiled.

“Hey Ellie, you want a drink?” Todd said, turning to her.

“Sure, I could go for a beer.”

“Great! Here, why don’t you take this one, and I’ll quickly go and get myself another one while you chat here with Charlie…” he said and snatched the tainted bottle from my hand.

“No!” I snapped.

He looked a little surprised.

“I just mean, don’t trouble yourself, these are yours. I’ll uh, I’ll get myself another,” I said, deliberately handed him the tainted bottle and the woman the clean bottle, and then skulked off, trying hard not to be too obvious as I cast backwards glances at them.

From the bar I could get a more careful look at her. She was pretty. Too pretty. And in every way the annoying, awful, horrible opposite of me. A girly girl. She sure as hell didn’t have any problem with makeup, that’s for sure. Her face was full of it. And her hair was curled and flicked off to the side, and she was wearing – I shit you not – she really looked like she was almost wearing a night gown. The weather had dropped this evening and it was quite cold, yet that didn’t seem to stop her. The dress was slinky and lacy and clung to every fat roll she had, and it ended in a big nasty ruffle of silk or some shit at her neckline where the dress just gave up and her great big tits came spilling out the top instead. I’m not a jealous type, I leave that to other woman, but even I know trashy taste when I see it.

The bartender looked at me, followed my gaze into the crowd and then looked back at me. I didn’t care what he thought. When you know you can easily take a man in bare handed combat, it’s easy not to give a damn if he gives you funny looks. I took a hasty sip of my new beer, blinked away angry tears and walked over to them again. Just at that moment, three of the guys came blustering along to greet us, every one of them wearing something ridiculous, looking like they were already well on their way to another legendary night.

“Charlie!” Ethan said. “Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, my man! This will not do, where the hell’s your fancy dress?”

“This is as fancy as it gets, fellas,” I said drily.

They were in my way, cutting me off from Todd and letting him drift off with that …girl.

“Charlie, come over here a second …you know, Ethan won’t tell you because he’s scared you’ll kick his ass, but when are you going to wear something nice, huh? Something sexy. I even heard tell that you were planning on wearing a dress on this trip,” Joey said, and linked his hand over my shoulder like we were the best buds in the world. I shrug it off, terse.

“Just cut it out, assholes.”

The mood dropped instantly.

I angled my head to peer into Todd’s glass bottle and saw that he had already drunk around a third of it. A strange little kick of excitement went through me. Now, if he could just lose that bitch then part two of my plan could start to come together. All at once the music inside the bar lounge stopped and the lights flickered on brighter. Everyone stopped to listen as a voice came crackling through the speakers.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform everyone that the storm warning we received a few hours ago seems to have gotten a little more serious. There’s no need for panic, though. Tropical cyclones are extremely rare in these waters and so we’ll likely return to our program shortly. The crew and I are working hard to plot an alternative course. However, we do expect some rough weather for the next few hours, and insist that everyone return to their rooms till further notice. Please walk calmly; again, the situation is under control. Crew members can answer any questions later, but for the time being please make your way as soon as possible to your rooms. Thank you for your attention.”

Todd and the girl immediately looked at each other. And me, the stupid, pathetic idiot that I was, I looked at him.

“Shit,” said Ethan.

Todd swiftly downed the rest of his beer and set the bottle off to the side.

“Cheers guys, Ellie and I will be clearing off I guess, was nice knowing you,” he said with a shrug, took her hand and walked off towards the exit. The other guys were as shocked as I was. People started talking all at once and suddenly everyone in the room began to bustle into one another and rush for the doors, cutting me off from him.

“Todd! Wait!”

But he was long gone into the crowd, and when I heard the announcement coming again over the speakers, this time people were making too much noise for it to be heard.