I huddled against the corner of the bathroom, holding the pregnancy test in my hand, trembling with anxiety and fear. If I were actually pregnant, which I didn’t think I was, Jax would be the father. A guy I met one time would be the father of my child.

Neither of us was ready for this. We didn’t plan out a future together like some parents do. We hadn’t saved up any money, or bought our first house, or even got married. We were just two people who met during an awful situation. Did I want to bring a darling child into the world under those circumstances?

I couldn’t answer that question, but I knew that I wouldn’t get an abortion. It wasn’t that I was religious, or anything like that. The process terrified me. Even the pill scared me.

None of that mattered. I couldn’t get pregnant! It was impossible. I had already gone through all this with Ethan.

Ethan. I couldn’t believe that I ran into him at the store. I ran away as fast as he could say the words, “I can’t believe it, you slut.”

I knew it would come back to haunt me. All of my choices did. What irked me the most was that I’d probably see him at my shift at Clark’s restaurant. If I knew Ethan well enough, he’d bring it up in front of everyone. It was none of his damn business.

“Hurry up in there!” Lawrence yelled from outside of the bathroom.

“Please, bub. I can’t take the stress right now. Just give me some time,” I said.

I anxiously watched the screen as it the percentages went up. Please don’t be pregnant. Please!

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m just anxious to know.”

I groaned against my thighs. “I’m glad my suffering excites you, little brother,” I said.

He shook the knob one more time. “It doesn’t excite me. Come on,” he said. “Let me in.”

“Fine,” I whispered. I unlocked the door and looked up awkwardly at my brother. I felt like such a fool. Why didn’t I use protection? How stupid could I be?

My brother saw how distressed I was, and dropped down to my level. He hugged me. “Don’t be scared,” he said. “Please. You’re the strongest person I know.”

I had no more tears left inside of my body. He was right. I had to stay strong for everyone, but it was hard to know how. “I’m not scared of having a child,” I said.

“Then, what are you scared of?” Lawrence asked.

“Well, a lot of things, I guess. For one, Jax doesn’t know,” I said.

“You didn’t tell him you bought a test?” he asked.

I shrugged defiantly. “It’s none of his business until it’s one hundred percent certain. I’m almost positive that I am not pregnant, Lawrence.”

“I guess you’re right,” he whispered.

“I don’t have anything to my name either. How am I supposed to bring a beautiful baby into the world when I haven’t done anything with my life? I honestly look pathetic,” I said.

My brother kept holding me when I should have been the one holding him. He was going through worse than I was, but he remained so composed throughout it all. I felt awful.

“You don’t look pathetic. You look human. This is part of life. All of this bad crap is part of the human experience,” Lawrence said.

“Okay, Dahli Lama,” I said with a smile.

“You know that I’m right. The problems of today will seem small tomorrow,” he said.

And of course, I did know that. It was sometimes hard to stick to that line of thinking, but it was true.

The high-tech gadget beeped in my hands. I had my answer, but I hid the screen from my eyes. “Look at the results,” Lawrence said. I shook my head, frantically. “Fine. Then, give it to me.”

I slowly handed the test to Lawrence and closed my eyes. “Are you ready?” Lawrence asked. I nodded. “Are you sure? Because if you’re not—”

“Lawrence, please! Just tell me,” I said.

Then, I saw his eyes drop, and his smile quickly turned straight and narrow. I felt outside of my body. I couldn’t even feel the rush of adrenaline that was certainly flowing through my body at that moment. “It’s positive. Isn’t it?” I asked.

Lawrence caught his breath and slowly nodded. His eyes glazed over and he hugged me again, tight and warm. Only, I couldn’t stand any of this at all. “I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

“Whatever you choose to do, I’ll be here for you,” Lawrence said.

I was pregnant. There was no going back from this now because I had already made up my mind. I was going to keep our baby. I was going to raise him right. And through all of the hardship, which was bound to be plentiful, I would help my brother with his disease.

“I’m going to keep my baby, Lawrence,” I said, staring at the bathroom cabinets. I swear, I must have combed through the angled wood edges at least a hundred times. Anything could have distracted me then. My mind, my body, and my soul couldn’t figure out what to do.

Did I call Jax? Or did I just forget he ever existed, start a new life back home, and walk headfirst into the future? No, I couldn’t do that. I had to let him know the truth, but I didn’t have the courage yet. I needed some time, selfish or not.

“That’s what you want? To be a father?” Lawrence asked.

“Yes,” I said. “And to help you along the way.”

Lawrence stood up and tucked his shirt into his jeans. “Let’s not worry about that right now, okay? We have to take things one day at a time,” my little brother said.

I didn’t cry, scream, or panic. I tried to remain stoic, like my brother. When we were growing up, our two dads couldn’t offer us stability. We were accustomed to yelling, plates breaking, and so much more. I tended to block it all out.

I didn’t want to be like our parents. I knew my life was about to change forever, but I was hoping that this time, it would be a good change.

I threw away the test and held back my nausea. As soon as I slumped back onto the couch, Clark walked inside. “You’ll never guess what happened today,” Clark said.

“What? Ethan came in again?” I asked. “I saw him for a brief moment at the corner store. I ran away.”

I guess the image of me running from my ex was funny to Clark because he burst out laughing. “No, I didn’t see him today, actually,” he said.

“So, what’s the news?” I asked him. “It’s good news, I hope.”

He set his bag of groceries on the kitchen counter and jumped onto the couch next to me. “Well, yesterday, I decided to buy an ad in the newspaper, a big spread,” Clark said.

“For the restaurant? Is it going well?” I asked.

Clark smacked his lips together with excitement and scooted toward me. “Actually, it’s for your dad’s funeral,” he said. I groaned and slouched back even further. “Look, before your pride infects your mind, you have to hear me out. I know you’ve been struggling a lot lately and I have to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for talking to Ethan again. I thought I could be cordial with the guy, but the more I think about it, the more I think he should answer for what he did to you.”

“Thanks, Clark,” I whispered. “But I’m cool with just ghosting him for the rest of my life. If I see him again, I’ll probably just run away.”

“I took the ad out because we’ve got a good omega community that likes to donate to certain causes every month. I thought this might help,” Clark said.

Lawrence walked into the room and leaned against the counter. “Oh, go ahead and help yourself to some fruit,” Clark said to Lawrence. “Those Fuji apples are really tasty.”

Lawrence peered into the grocery bag and pulled out an apple. “I think it’s a great idea,” Lawrence said, chomping into the crisp red skin.

“Well, yeah. It turns out that it was,” Clark said, with an eager smile on his face.

“What happened with it? What are you keeping from us?” I asked him, starting to smile myself.

He reached into his back pocket. He pulled out an envelope. Smacking it down onto the coffee table, he leaned back and waited for me to open it. “Clark, what is this? You know I hate surprises,” I said.

“Open it, jerk,” Clark muttered.

I grabbed the enveloped and patiently opened it. There was a check inside. I hesitated before looking at the number on the top right. And then I saw it… Fifteen thousand dollars?!

“Clark. No. Just no, dude. We can’t take this. We didn’t do any work to earn this,” I said.

Lawrence jumped past me, grabbing the check from my hands. His eyes widened, and he dropped the thin paper. “Holy. Shit.”

Clark stooped down to pick up the expensive piece of paper. He shoved it back into my hand. “Schwartz, you’re taking this money. You’ve spent a whole life worrying. At the very least, you deserve to have a good funeral for your father,” Clark said. “Most of it came from an anonymous donor, anyway.”

I stood up and paced the room, silently. “I don’t care where it came from. This amount is far more than what we need for the funeral. We only needed three thousand,” I said.

“So what? You won’t have to wash dishes now, at least. Reinvest it in your roofing business. Give it to charity. Who cares? It’s yours now,” Clark said.

I looked down at my stomach. Clark didn’t know about my pregnancy scare. It could go toward the hospital bills. But then I looked at my little brother, who was good at pretending to be happy every day. It had to go to his care. It just had to.

“Thanks, Clark,” I whispered. “It really means a lot. You’ve always been a good friend to us.”

“Hey, it’s the least I could do. Seriously, I wish I could do more,” Clark said.

I sat back down and laughed to myself. “This is going to sound insane, but I have some big news to tell you,” I said.

Clark eyed me very curiously. He put his arm around my neck platonically and said, “I can’t wait to hear the news. I’m assuming it’s juicy.”

“Juicy might be one adjective used to describe it,” Lawrence said, smiling.

“I… well. Shit, this is really hard to say out loud, but I’m pregnant,” I said. “Um. Yeah, I’m pregnant. I just took the test, and that’s what it said.”

I analyzed Clark’s face to try and get a read on what he was thinking then. He didn’t smile or jump for joy. His eyes looked wide and terrified for me. Great job, Schwartz.

“You’re serious,” Clark said. It wasn’t phrased as a question, but I knew he wanted an answer.

“Stop being a jerk, Clark. Do you really think we’d lie about something like this?” Lawrence asked.

“Oh fudge,” he whispered.

“Oh, fudge? That’s all you have to say?” I asked. That’s when I turned inwardly frantic, but I tried to remain outwardly calm. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Clark. Just lay it all on me.”

Clark laughed nervously. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect any of this. I don’t know what to say. Is this what you want? I mean… was it planned?” Clark asked.

I stared blankly in front of me at the freckled face I had come to known years ago. “It wasn’t planned,” I said, swallowing down. “But I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like this might be something good.”

“I think that’s the morning sickness,” Clark said.

“Stop. I’m being serious, Clark. If I keep this baby, am I being naïve?” I asked. “I want to hear from everyone in this room, right now.”

“Who’s the baby daddy?” Clark asked. “He better not be Ethan.”

“Ethan? Oh, gosh. No, it’s not Ethan. I don’t think I could morally feel able to bring his DNA into the world,” I joked. “It’s this guy. Jax. Well, his name is Jason, actually. I should probably start using that name.”

Clark’s left eyebrow rose into his forehead. “And this Jason, he is…?”

“He helped us get the engine back,” Lawrence said.

My hand darted toward Lawrence. My brother covered his mouth, realizing what he had just done. “Shit,” he said.

“Wait. The engine? What are you talking about, Lawrence?” Clark asked.

Both our faces turned red. I chomped down against the side of my cheek. Lawrence didn’t know what to say, so Clark turned to me. “Schwartz? Anyone mind telling me what happened up in Idaho?” Clark asked.

“Nothing happened,” I said. “Well… okay. Something happened. His brother stole the engine, but it’s not a big deal. We got it back in perfect condition, and Jason helped install it. I’m telling you, Clark. It’s totally fine.”

“That’s not the point,” Clark growled. “You should have told me. I feel really weird about this right now.”

I felt awful about how we went about it, and I should have told Clark. But when a thousand problems are thrown your way, it’s hard to pick and choose which ones are the best to focus on fixing.

“I don’t know how to apologize. It feels like I’ve ruined a lot this month,” I said.

Clark calmed down pretty fast when he realized there were bigger fish to fry. “It’s fine. I don’t mean to derail this whole pregnancy news,” Clark said. “As far as this Jason guy goes, I’d say be cautious. I mean, the first time you met the guy, his brother stole your engine. That doesn’t sound too great.”

“You don’t know him like we do,” Lawrence chimed in. “He’s nothing like his brother. He’s a good guy. Jason is raising his brother’s child, James, and he’s great at being a father.”

Clark nodded, taking this all in. “But he doesn’t have a clue that you’re pregnant?”

“Not really,” I said. I corrected myself right after. “No. He doesn’t have a clue.”

Clark sighed. “Oh, man. You’re going to have to tell him soon. I know you might not want to right this second. Just remember that this is your decision. No one’s forcing you to call him right away. But if you decide that you’re keeping this child, you will have to call him. You know that, right?” Clark asked.

“I do. I’m going to tell him. I just need a few weeks,” I said.

Clark sat still and listened to all of my worries, stacked against my hopes and dreams. He gave me the best advice anyone could have given: “Stick with your family and friends. They’ll always be there to help you through the darkest times in your life.”

That night, we sat around the dinner table and ate a fabulous dinner, home-cooked by our good friend, Clark. We tried to remain hopeful and positive, telling jokes about our childhood.

But as the night grew on, the red wine started to wear me down, and my brother was beginning to feel his nerves start to act up again in his left foot. We dismissed ourselves as best we could, and got into our sleeping bags.

“Dad’s funeral is in two days,” Lawrence said.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “I hope people come. I know he wasn’t the best to a lot of people in this city, but I think he should still be honored in some way, you know?”

Not having a positive role model to rely on was one of the worst burdens to carry. It’s something most people don’t have to think about, but for us, it was a constant battle. Our teachers would ask us about him, wondering when he’d get his life in order.

When we got pulled over for speeding or doing doughnuts in the mall parking lot, the officers knew us because of our father. Now, our dad was gone, and we had to wonder if anyone was ready to celebrate his life. It just sucked.

“People will come,” Lawrence said, defiantly. “If they’re truly good people, they’ll show up for the ceremony.”

“He had a good side too, you know? It’s not like he was always bad,” I said.

“Remember when he bought that blow-up-castle for no reason? He set it up and waited for us to come home from school. That was the best,” Lawrence said, smiling reflectively. He grabbed a glass of water and took a sip.

A saddened laugh came from deep within my chest. “I forgot about that, bub! Man, we wore that into the ground. Remember that one time dad made spaghetti and we all ate dinner in the castle? Whatever happened to that thing?” I asked.

Lawrence spit out the water that was in his mouth. “Dad had to sell it to keep the car, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “We’re kind of a weird family, aren’t we?”

“Uh. Yes. One hundred percent,” Lawrence said.

The house turned silent and cold. We both snuggled deeper into our sleeping bags. “Are you feeling okay, bub?” I asked him.

Lawrence shuffled in his sleeping bag and turned toward me. “I guess so. I keep getting that vibratory sensation in my left foot. Other times, I just feel exhausted, like I’ve been working all day. It’s really frustrating. That’s the worst part so far,” he said.

So far. It broke my spirit, but Lawrence was turning into the most patient young man I had ever met. “I’m going to take you to another doctor this week. A better doctor. We’re going to use the rest of the money Clark gave us on tests and medication. We’re going to figure this thing out together, bub. I promise you,” I said.

“Schwartzy, you can’t use that money on me. You have a baby coming in,” Lawrence whispered.

“So what? If I get three roofing jobs, I’ll be set,” I said.

“Yeah, but then you’re going to have to find ten other good workers to help you. You’ll have to pay them, just like last time,” he said.

“Bub, don’t worry about me. I’m going to figure my shit out, okay?” I asked.

“Okay,” Lawrence said. He slid out of his sleeping bag to kiss my forehead. We had grown so close over this past month. I wasn’t grateful for all of the bad crap, but I loved that I was really getting to know my brother at that stage of his life.

“And you have to tell Jason soon. Promise me,” he said.

“Okay.” I laughed. “Fine. I’ll tell him soon,” I said.

“Good,” he whispered. We both closed our eyes for a brief moment. Then, I felt his hand brush against my shoulder.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Can you put on Low by David Bowie? We can turn the volume down. I just know I won’t be able to get to sleep otherwise,” my brother said.

I smiled. “Low? That’s a deep cut. You sure you’re ready to listen to that one again?”

“Stop. You know I like that album the most. It has the movie soundtrack stuff at the end. I love that side,” Lawrence said. I had taught him well.

“Okay, bub. But after that, we have to go to bed,” I said, grabbing the speaker from my bag.

“Deal,” he said.

I plugged my ten-year-old mp3 player into the speaker. I pressed play and listened to the wild guitars and harsh cymbals chiming in. Then, Bowie’s voice roared beautifully, a champion of freaks like us.

He sang, “You’re such a wonderful person. But you’ve got problems.” And, boy, did I relate to those lyrics…