“When is Schwartz coming?” James groaned for the thirtieth time of the day. I picked him up and swung him into my arms as he giggled and squealed.

“I don’t know, guy. Schwartz is very busy right now. He’s going to call us back soon,” I said.

It had been about a month since I saw him last, and still, there was no call on his behalf. I tried to remain civil about the whole thing. After all, he didn’t owe me anything and I sure as hell didn’t want to come off as needy. But I desperately wanted to explain my side of the story to him. Mainly, I just wanted him back.

“Can we see Trent, though?” James asked, scrambling to the floor.

“Yes, pumpkin. We can see Trent,” I said. “You already know that he’s coming over for dinner soon.”

“I know,” James said, sticking out his tongue with excitement. Kids always did the weirdest crap, but I seriously loved every second with him.

I couldn’t forgive Trent for taking James that day. I thought about it every single night before bed. On the one hand, he was my brother. We spent our childhood getting along so well, and I knew he was struggling more than I could ever understand. But the other side of it was that I was technically James’ father at that point. I had a responsibility as a parent to keep him out of harm’s way.

He got dinners with the family. I decided that was the only visitation right that he was allowed to have. For now.

Sergeant Daily wasn’t much of a friend these days. He had an obligation to the mayor, who wanted to jail my brother for more than ten years. Trent was more than willing to do his time. He was caught with a lot of drugs, not only in his system, but also in his home. He went to in-patient for three weeks straight and swore off pills entirely.

I did see a change in my brother since that day I found him in his bed. It would be a long fucking time until I could trust him, but it felt like he was coming back to me.

When he knocked on my door ten minutes later, James ran to greet him. I watched with hesitance in my eyes as the door eased open. Trent had bags of food in his hands. He held them up in the air. “I’ve got tacos,” Trent said.

“Hi, uncle Trent!” James waved excitedly.

I embraced my brother and took off his coat. “How’re you holding up, brother?” I asked.

He shrugged, solemnly walking through the kitchen to set the bags of tacos down. “They’ve got me on this crap to quit the oxys, but I swear, they’re just placebos,” Trent said.

“What about the therapy and the outpatient rehab? Is that doing anything?” I asked.

I hated talking about these things. It just irked me that James had to hear about any of it. “I’m talking a lot about our family, you know? What we went through and how it affected me. I’m trying to keep an open mind, brother.” Trent smiled and patted my back.

I forced a smile back and grabbed the tacos out of the bags. I set them on the plates at the dinner table. James jumped into his special purple chair. “Trent, did you see my nails?” James held out his chipped nails.

“They’re very pretty,” Trent said. “They remind me of Easter.”

“Thank you!” James smiled, pushing his tongue against his missing tooth.

I ruffled the kid’s hair and kissed his chubby cheek. “Are you excited for the Easter bunny, pumpkin? It’s coming up in just a couple of weeks,” I said.

“Yes, but at school, Gerson said he’s not real. Is he real, daddy?” James asked.

Trent glanced over at me and smiled. “Gerson sounds like a chump,” Trent said.

“Gerson is definitely lying to you, baby. The Easter bunny is as real as Santa Claus,” I said.

“That’s what I said.” James eagerly chomped into his store-bought tacos, spreading lettuce and beef all over his placemat. I wiped the grease off his lips.

“This is nice,” I said, finally able to relax. All I wanted in life was for things to be more comfortable for everyone. I wanted a tight-knit family that got along, but that was a little easier said than done. Instead, I was happy with the cordial relationship that Trent and I were building. It wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t either.

Trent laughed. “It’s better than fighting all of the time. That’s for sure,” Trent said.

“What’s up with the job front? Have you been getting any work?” I asked.

Trent winked. “You know I have work,” he said. I didn’t like what that implied, but I didn’t want to press it at the table.

“Let’s talk after,” I said. “I want to go over the situation with sergeant Daily.”

Trent frowned. “What’s up with him? I thought I was off his radar,” he said.

I looked over at James, who had just started humming a tune I recognized as a Depeche Mode song. I wanted to smile because I knew that he remembered it from Schwartz’s speaker set.

I whispered, “Trent, it’s been a little over a month. You’re not out of his radar by any means. I told you already. You really need to find a job. You need to act like you’re taking this seriously.”

Trent actually scoffed at the suggestion, which boiled my blood. I promised myself that I wouldn’t fight with him anymore, but he was already sending me over the edge. When he laughed, I felt my knees push me to my feet. But instead of diving across the table and grabbing his shirt collar, I pretended that I just finished my plate.

“Jax, you act like this is some game we all play,” Trent said.

“Jason,” I said.

“Excuse me?” Trent stood up and handed me his plate. He stayed next to me, while James picked at the shredded beef. “You’re going by Jason now?”

“Actually, yeah I am. It’s a necessary change in my life,” I said. “I want you to know something important because we’re adults now.”

“Lay it on me, brother,” Trent said.

“Lay it on him, daddy!” James yelled. I glanced over and rolled my eyes. He did the same back to me and stuck out his tongue. I laughed.

“Look, man. I don’t mean this in a negative way, but this is a game. These political betas don’t have anything better to do than play it and collect their money from the gains. So why won’t you just get a job for a year and see how it goes?” I asked him.

“Because I’m not like them. I don’t play by their rules. I make my own,” Trent said.

And that’s about the time I realized that Trent would never change. Trent thought he was better than everyone else. He made the rules. Not the rest of the world.

He got that from our alpha father, the gun-toting extremist who lived alone and had no friends. He wasn’t a positive role model for anyone, and it sucked that Trent was still stuck playing his game.

“You sound like dad,” I whispered, glancing back at James.

“Well, dad had some good theories,” Trent said.

“Come on, guy. What good theories did dad really have? I mean, think about his life for one second. He never had a steady career. He got divorced over four times. What else did he do? Oh, yeah. He drank all of the time and died alone,” I said.

The harsh truth was that we didn’t have any good role models. The first step to changing your life is admitting that you have no ground to stand on. You have to be willing to climb a hundred mountains if you want to achieve any real knowledge.

“Fuck you, Jax. You’re always talking crap about our parents. I’m sick of hearing that shit,” Trent snapped back.

This time, James’ directed his attention at Trent, and he held his hands over his mouth in shock. “Daddy, he said the s and the f-word,” James whispered.

James laughed, but it wasn’t funny to me. Trent was already hanging onto my life by a loose thread. “What do we do when someone says the s-word?” I asked James, grinning at Trent.

“We ignore them,” James said. “Because those are bad words and bad words aren’t nice, Trent.”

Trent knelt down next to the table. “Well, sometimes, you have to do bad things to get your point across,” Trent said.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s lying again, James,” I said, angrily darting back at Trent.

Trent stood back up and leaned against the counter. “I want you to come with me in the other room,” he said.

I dried my hands off and walked past him. “Come on. If you want to talk, let’s talk,” I said. Family dinner had devolved into a minor catastrophe.

I closed the door to the laundry room once Trent was inside. Trent hopped on the dryer and gave me his most innocent smile yet. “Are we going to talk about the James issue?” Trent asked.

I felt my stomach drop. “Trent, what are you talking about?” I asked him.

He paused to think about what he had just said. Then, he jumped from the dryer down onto his feet and stepped closer to me. “I mean, when do I get him back?” Trent asked.

“I knew it. I knew you’d do this to us,” I said. My blood was flowing with anger and regret. Most of all, I felt betrayed again. I gave him the chance of a lifetime, and he was throwing it away.

“Jax, he’s my kid,” Trent said.

“My name is Jason,” I growled. “And you weren’t even there when James was born. I was. Remember Val? He was desperate for you. You were in some drug-induced sleep back at home.”

Trent angrily kicked the dryer. I grabbed his arm and forced him against the wall. “Whoa, brother. Settle down,” he said, grinning. “I thought we were cool now.”

“You’re the same guy. I can’t believe this, Trent. Can you not see that these habits are creeping back again? You don’t care about James. You never have,” I said.

“I’ve always cared about him! Val couldn’t care for him. That omega left me all alone, remember?” Trent asked.

I groaned loudly, letting go of his shirt. I let him fall to the floor. “I can’t argue with you anymore. You used to be my brother, but that was a lifetime ago. I don’t know if you’ll ever be that person again, but I can’t keep taking these chances,” I said.

“You don’t get to choose your family,” he whispered. Trent was a desperate lump on the laundry room floor. He looked like he had aged ten years since his last hospital visit.

The worst part was that I still had a soft spot for him. I saw him as that little rascal who used to give me bike rides to school on his pegs. Trent was still the guy who hid on top of the police station, and water ballooned all of those beta cops. He was still my fucking brother.

But I had to let him go.

“I’m choosing,” I whispered. “Now, please. Just go.”

I was done with crying, with feeling sorry for myself, and with subjugating James to these kinds of arguments. I remembered how I was when I was his age. I was curious. I used to hold my ear near the door to my parents’ room and listened carefully when they fought. I internalized those moments.

Sure enough, when I opened the door, James was in the hallway, holding his Teddy. “Daddy, why are you yelling?” he asked.

I slumped down and put out my arms as Trent scooted past me. “Come here, baby. I’m sorry,” I said.

James leaned his head against my shoulder. “I don’t like it when you fight. You’re brothers,” James said.

Trent grabbed his coat. He was about halfway through the door before he turned around and exhaled. “I’m sorry, James. You’re right. I’m going to go home and think this through,” he said.

“Good. You need to stop hurting my daddy,” James said. “He works hard, and he’s always nice to me.”

“I know. I need to change a lot,” Trent said, guiltily clinging to the door. “Anyway, I’m going to head home. I’ll talk to you later, Jason. Bye, James.”

It was a surprising turn of events, but I didn’t want to rely on his word ever again. All I wanted right now was to relax with my boy. “How about some Spongebob?” I asked, knowing he’d squeal louder than a banshee.

“Yes! Spongebob! Spongebob!” He did his little happy dance before plopping down on the green couch. I turned on the TV and pressed play on the recorded episode. I could finally kick back and enjoy the moment.

At least, that’s what I thought. As soon as the theme song started, I found myself scrolling through my phone. I went to Schwartz’s Facebook page and scrolled through his updates and the pictures from his father’s funeral. It looked like there was a large crowd that attended.

I donated the last of my money to him because I knew he needed it. Shit, Lawrence needed it too. I thought it would somehow bring us closer. Of course, it didn’t. It didn’t do anything since I kept my donation anonymous.

I just wanted to feel close to him one last time. I went through the motions often with myself. I’d first check his social media page. Then, I’d scroll through my text messages. I’d open a new one and write a paragraph of words to send to him.

Whenever I got close to sending the text, I’d delete it on the spot. I would close my phone and focus on other things, like being attentive to James or pouring another latte.

That time, I didn’t stop myself. I texted Schwartz. I wish you were here with me now.

I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I felt my phone vibrate five minutes after I sent it, so I had no time to think about the repercussions. Schwartz was calling me.

“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to James, who at that point was too entranced by the cartoon to care.

“Hey, how are you?” My hand was shaking as I held the phone to my ear.

“I’m okay. How are you?” Schwartz asked.

“I don’t know. I’m good, I guess. We never really got to talk about things, though,” I said, biting my lip. I walked out the front door and began pacing around my porch.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry about that. A lot has come up around here. Like, too much, actually,” Schwartz said.

“All good things, I hope,” I said.

“Sort of. My roofing business is underway. We have a few jobs that need finishing up in Vegas, believe it or not,” he said. “And Lawrence has been seeing a GP down here who’s really qualified with MS. It’s going to be a long road, but I think he’s got him on a regimen that’ll help him be able to focus more.”

The news made me warm and happy. There was nothing I wanted more for Schwartz than for him and his brother to find themselves in a safe spot in their lives. But I had to worry if that meant never seeing them again. It had been more than a month. Maybe it was time for me to let go.

“I’m really happy for you, Schwartz. I’m glad everything is starting to work out for you,” I said.

“Yeah, things are looking up. I, uh, got myself an apartment with Lawrence too,” Schwartz muttered quickly. “It’s near the suburbs. It’s really nice.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I just laid it all out on the table for him. If he didn’t want to see me again, I would hide from them. I just needed some clarity.

“Schwartz, I miss you,” I said. “I don’t want to be pushy with my feelings. I pushed it too far that night, but I can’t hold back the words. I miss you.”

There were a few seconds of silence. “I miss you a lot,” he said.

It felt like my heart actually jumped inside of my chest. I was taken aback. I dropped down against the wall and sat, holding the phone with an ecstatic smile on my face. “You do? You’re not just fucking with me?” I asked.

“We both miss you,” Schwartz said. “We talk about you and James all of the time.”

Did he miss me miss me? Or did he just miss me as a friend?

“So when can we see each other again? It’s Easter in three weeks. We’re going to go to the church a few blocks away. There’s a big buffet nearby too. It’s kind of tradition in our family. You’re invited if you want to come,” I said.

I held my breath as he paused to respond again. It was a stretch to expect him to drive ten hours just to see us on Easter, but his response was better than I imagined. “I’ll talk to Lawrence, okay? I’d like to come, but no promises. I need to talk to you about something, anyway.”

“Perfect!” I exclaimed. I felt a jolt of satisfaction rush inside of me.

Schwartz’s tone changed. “No, like… I really need to talk to you, and I’ve been putting it off because I’m not sure how to say it.” So. Everything wasn’t as good as he let on.

“Okay, do you want to let me in on what’s going on? Does it involve me? I already said I was sorry about that night. I was too aggressive and—”

“No, dude. It’s not that,” he said. “Look. Hold on for a second, okay? I want to ask Lawrence about Easter.”

“Okay.”

I held the phone tightly against my eardrum. I looked out into the hazy distance. The brisk wind wrapped around my neck. I took a deep breath. I hoped to God that whatever Schwartz was about to tell me wasn’t going to shake the foundations of my life. I couldn’t take any more disappointment. I just couldn’t.

“Hey, I’m back,” Schwartz said. “It’s your lucky day. Lawrence wants to go.”

“Incredible,” I said. “You remember where I live, right?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Schwartz said. “We can talk then?”

I groaned and felt my body slump down further. “I feel like I’m being set up, Schwartz. What’s going on with you? With us?”

“I’d rather just tell you then. I can’t wrap my head around it, okay?” I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at the distance and the awkward situation in which we met. I couldn’t help but wonder if we met for the first time in two weeks, would things be easier for us?

“Okay, guy. I’ll see you on Easter Sunday,” I said.

I miss the way you smell. I miss your awkward body. I miss how anxiety-ridden you are. I love you… That’s what I wanted to say, but you can’t let it all out like that. You have to hold it in and try to remain hopeful regardless of the silence.

“Bye, Jason. See you soon,” Schwartz said.

I dropped my hand to my pocket and stood up, peering into the window. James was laughing loudly at the TV and pointing. He looked over and waved me inside. “Come on, dad! Pleeeeaaase?”

If nothing else worked the way I wanted it to, I couldn’t be disappointed. I had the best thing life had to offer me: James.

I walked inside and put out my hands toward James. “Here I am!” I jumped onto the couch and tickled him.

“Daddy! No! Stop!” he screamed with a smile.

James fell back against my chest, exhausted. His little breaths of laughter echoed off of the living room ceiling. “I love you, daddy,” he said.

“I love you too, baby.”