CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Had Dev his way, he would have left Lilly with his sisters, and yet he knew she would never have allowed that. She sat, hands folded in her lap, appearing calm on the outside. But he knew her now; she was anything but calm. Her lovely eyes were moving between the three men constantly.
James sat behind his desk, Lilly across from him. Dev paced instead of doing as he wanted: punching Nicholas Braithwaite. Lilly's brother also stood.
After last night, his need for this woman had, if possible, grown. Just looking at her twisted his insides. She looked delicate this morning, her eyes haunted, face fatigued. She wasn't delicate, however. She was strong and resilient.
He'd made love to her last night because he could not resist her. She was a fire inside him now, a part of him. He wanted to protect her and keep her safe. Lilly, of course, would never allow that. She had been protecting herself for some time.
“Firstly, I want to know why you contemplated marrying Lilly to Danderfield. Is it, as Dev suspected, because you need money?”
Devon was pleased to see that at least Nicholas did not lower his eyes when James spoke.
“To my shame, yes, that is the truth.”
James gritted his teeth.
“That is unpardonable, Nicholas. How could you treat your own blood that way? Your parents were good people. You have no excuse for your behavior.”
“I know my behavior has been reprehensible, but I want to change... will change.”
“Yes, well, we’ll deal with your behavior and subsequent debts later. Now is not that time.”
Nicholas Braithwaite's lip was swollen from Dev's fist yesterday, and he looked different; his eyes had lost their insolence. Today he, like his sister, looked young and uncertain, but Dev had no intention of feeling anything but anger for the man.
“I have made this mess I now stand in. I will deal with it, and my debts.”
“Very noble, I am sure, cousin, but I will not let you fall on your sword when both your sister and aunt rely on you, and you have your parents’ reputations to uphold.”
“One thing has come clear to me, Braithwaite.” Dev entered the conversation, as standing in silence and letting another speak for him had never been something he was comfortable with. “Your sister's life is in danger, and living with you she has no protection. Therefore, she will move in here with James and between us, we will keep her safe.”
“I understand the gravity of what has occurred, Devon,” Lilly said. “I am of course indebted to you all for saving me, but I am sure that as long as I now exercise caution, I will remain safe living in my family home.”
“No you will not, now please be quiet, Lilly, while we discuss this matter further,” Dev said.
“No, I will not be quiet, damn you! Do not speak of me as if I am not seated right here several feet from you.”
“Lilly!” her brother said in shocked tones, which told Dev that Nicholas knew nothing about his sister. She was outspoken when required, and used several curses, also if required, to prove her point.
She spun to her brother. “Don't you dare censure me for using the word damn when you have used that and worse in my presence. You are a drunkard, gambler, and whoring wastrel. At least I can lay claim to doing something worthy with my life.”
Had she sprouted wings and flown across the room, the effect on her brother wouldn’t have been greater.
“I-I know my past behavior has been wrong,” Nicholas said slowly, as he looked at Lilly as one would a fire-breathing dragon. “Yet, I ask that you allow me to make amends.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I want nothing from you.”
“Me, however,” Dev said, moving to her side and placing a hand on her shoulder, “she will wed, and I will ensure she is loved, protected, and safe, Braithwaite.”
He felt the tension beneath his hand.
“No, I will not marry you.”
Yes, you bloody will.
Dev was about to open his mouth when he looked at James, who shook his head. He was right, of course; this was not the forum to pursue the matter of their futures, and seeing the firm set of Lilly's jaw, he wished he had held his tongue and spoken to her first. She made him lose reason, which while understandable considering how he felt about her, was not a practice he should continue. The problem was, he wanted her bound to him so tight she could never leave.
“I do not know what has happened or why she was abducted, yet when I am furnished with all the facts, I will change everything from this day forth. She will be protected, and I will ensure she feels no pressure to wed. She will not be forced, Sinclair,” Nicholas Braithwaite declared.
“Why would you do that?” Lilly questioned. “What gain is there in any of this for you, Nicholas? I am trying to understand your motivation.”
“Before you answer that, Braithwaite, perhaps you should beg your sister's forgiveness for her treatment at your hands over the last few years,” Dev said.
“I want no apology from you simply because you are intimidated by James and Devon, Nicholas.” Lilly regained her feet. She had a feeling she needed to stand tall to deal with what was about to unfold.
Her brother seemed different today. His face had lost that arrogant expression it perpetually wore. Yet Lilly knew him well enough to know he could play any part should he need to.
“I understand you do not trust my words, Lilliana, but in this Lord Sinclair is correct. I do need to beg your forgiveness, but I will not do it here.”
“You know nothing about me, Nicholas. You know not what I do from one day to the next. You cannot simply apologize to me and expect everything to be all right.”
“I know that too, and hope you will tell me what I do not know about you. Tell me the things I have missed out on in your life.”
Lilly's laugh held no humor. “Believe me, brother, you will not support them, but be warned you will not change the direction I have taken, nor will you get my money if that is still your agenda.”
“I do not want Grandmother's money, Lilliana.”
She almost believed him, but not quite. Not yet.
“I don't believe you, Nicholas.”
He looked sad.
“I did not expect you to do so immediately, but hope in time you will see that I want to change.”
James rose from his seat and stepped to Lilly's side and held out a hand. The gesture surprised her, as neither of them liked to touch or be touched. She placed her fingers in his, and let him lead her across the room until they were alone and the others could not hear.
“I know that like your brother I have given you no reason to trust me, Lilly, yet I would ask that you try.”
She nodded, but remained silent.
“I know what it is you do with the children, just as I now know about your house in Temple Street.”
“Sinclairs cannot keep secrets,” Lilly said.
His smile was gentle.
“Actually they can, but only if they believe they need to be kept. If they believe that in the telling, the words will help, they will do so without hesitation. In this, my brother-in-law was right, Lilly. You are my cousin, and I have neglected you for long enough. I want to be more involved in your life.”
“I do not expect society to care about what I do. They will look on it as my charitable works. But I had no wish for my brother to know. Appearances were everything to him, and that is why I have kept my life a secret.”
“Is that why you dressed and acted as you did also?”
She nodded. “I had no wish to wed, and Grandmother's will stated that if I reached twenty-six years still unmarried, then I could get the full amount she left me, and set up house on my own.”
“Ah, it all makes sense now. I must admit to wondering what had become of you. How you had changed so much from the intelligent child you were to the simpering, brainless, badly dressed woman I saw in society.”
“People see what they want, and once I had established the facade, no one questioned it.”
“Not even your brother.”
Lilly looked at Nicholas, who was watching her, and then her gaze moved to Devon, who was doing the same.
“I had not planned to wed, James. My life was to be my children.”
“But you care for Devon, Lilly. I can see that.”
She could not lie. “I do, but that scares me.”
“As it did me, cousin, when Eden stormed into my life. I was terrified when she began to tear down the walls I had placed around myself, the barriers I had erected because of my father.”
Lilly nodded, knowing she had built those barriers also.
“But love is worth the risk, Lilly. You and I were only living a half life before these Sinclairs stormed our defenses and made us feel.”
“It hurts to feel.”
“But to not feel is not living, cousin. So now I must ask if you love my brother-in-law.”
Lilly didn't miss the significance of the word brother-in-law. James was telling her he counted the man as family.
“With all my heart,” she said, looking at him.
“Then we shall make it happen,” James hugged her briefly.
“I feel as if I no longer have control over my life, James. For so long I knew the direction I was taking, yet lately....”
James laughed as he guided her back to the two men who waited silently across the room. “Yes, at first it is like being on a runaway carriage with no means of getting off. The Sinclairs are a protective lot, Lilly, who encompass you, but in time you will learn to like the feeling.”
“Like you do?”
“Like I do,” James acknowledged. “But I would ask you never to repeat that to any of them.”
Lilly sighed. “I am unsure how to let go of the control, James, as for so long it is what kept me going.”
“You need not let go of the control, Lilly. Just relax the reins slightly and the rest will fall into place. You will see.” He hugged her once more and she rested against him, enjoying the steady beat of his heart. She felt a small kernel of warmth that he was in her life now, that if she needed him, he would be there for her.
“Remember that I am always here for you now, Lilly. I am not going anywhere.”
“Thank you,” she whispered when he released her.
“Lilliana, I need to talk to you.”
Nicholas sounded urgent, and Lilly knew that if she was to return home with him, then yes, she should at least talk to him. Especially if he was going to try to change.
“Please let me speak to my brother alone.”
Devon didn't want to leave her with Nicholas; Lilly saw that.
“Let me talk with him, Devon. I promise to call for you if I need you.” Lilly touched a finger to his chin, which she could see surprised him. She was not someone who did such things with others watching.
He nodded, glared at Nicholas, and then accompanied James from the room. No doubt to stand outside the door and listen.
She stood four feet away from her brother, looking at the man who should have been so important to her, and once had been, until she realized the person he truly was.
“What happened to your lip?” Lilly asked when the silence grew uncomfortable. She could not remember the last time she had conversed with Nicholas; usually he talked at her.
“Your dark lord pointed out the error of my ways.”
Lilly could do nothing to stop the small smile at his description of Devon. He would protect her, even when she did not want him to do so.
“I lay in my bed last night reliving our lives since our parents passed. Each memory that came and went shamed me. My treatment of you is unforgivable. I'm not sure when it started, or why—”
“They were not bad years, Nicholas, just lonely ones.” Lilly decided that only honesty would do now.
“Christ, you must loathe me.” His words were hoarse. “I could find no sleep last night thinking of what I had become and how I treated you. And then I wondered how to ask your forgiveness when I know if I were in your situation, I would never give it.”
Lilly thought she saw honesty, but many years of division lay between them.
“I am having trouble believing that you would change suddenly, Nicholas. Why now? It makes no sense.”
He ran a hand over his face.
“I don't know why now. Perhaps it took Sinclair to point out the error of my ways. Aunt Vi told me last night when I spoke with her about you that she was ashamed of the person I had become, but she was never brave enough to stand up to me.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I became a bully in the eyes of the two people I should love most.”
“Words, Nicholas,” Lilly whispered. “These are just words to me, which I struggle to believe.”
“When you were born I was instantly enamored. In fact, for the first year I would visit you and carry you everywhere, and I would beg your nurse to let me hold you.”
He took one of her hands in his and gripped it tight. Lilly thankfully had on her gloves, as she did not want to touch anyone but Devon. Perhaps one day soon she would try with someone else she cared for, but not yet, and especially not her brother.
“I loved you very much, but as the years passed I had forgotten that.”
“Perhaps I did not make it easy for you,” Lilly conceded. “I dressed as I did, and wore the glasses and behaved in that silly manner, so I would reach twenty-six unwed.”
The shock on his face was genuine.
“Did you really? Strange how I did not see what you were doing.”
“You saw nothing but yourself,” Lilly said, pulling her hand free and walking to the window. “And my fear was that you would force me to marry, when I had no wish to.”
“Will you tell me about yourself, Lilly? What you have become, and about the abduction? I have a feeling you know why you were taken.”
She did, because she wanted nothing to lie unsaid between them anymore. He could no longer hurt her; James and Devon would see to that. She was free to speak to this man as she wished.
“I had no idea. How have you kept this from me?” He looked shocked at her revelations. “You purchased this house in Temple Street alone?”
“You showed no interest in me, Nicholas. Therefore, it was easy for you to believe what you wished and not see what was really happening.”
“I can see that now, and am ashamed of what I have become. But that is my burden, not yours. Now I need you to tell me if it is your wish to marry Sinclair, as I will not consent to the match otherwise.”
“Yes, I wish it with all my heart.” Saying the words out loud confirmed what she thought. It was a step she was scared to take, but Lilly knew that being parted from Devon was not an option.
“Then I shall honor your wishes, sister,” he said, leaning forward to place a kiss on her forehead. “Will you return home with me now?”
Lilly shook her head. “I will be there later today. Please tell Aunt Vi I shall take my evening meal with her.”
“And I shall be there also.”
He rarely ate with them.
“Of course, if that is your wish.”
He looked at her for long seconds. Lilly wondered if it was the first time he had really seen her. Shaking his head, he bowed deeply and left the room.
Lilly heard the murmur of voices outside the door and then Devon opened and closed it behind him. She heard his footsteps as he moved to her side, where she still stood at the window, looking at the garden below.
“Are you all right, Lilly?”
“So much has happened.” Lilly faced him, let her palm rest on his chest. The strength in this man calmed her.
“You have been abducted. You healed with your hands.” Lilly closed her eyes as he cupped her cheek. “And I'm sure what just transpired between you and your brother was not comfortable.”
“I just don't know if I should believe him.”
“We will deal with it together, love.”
Lilly sighed as he kissed her softly. She then rested her cheek on his chest. It was a wonderful place to be, safe and secure in his arms. She had capitulated, she realized. She had given herself completely to this man.
“I love you, Devonshire Sinclair, and yes, I will marry you.”
She was lifted then, high in the air, and twirled. Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck as he lowered her down his body, his arms holding her tight.
“You will not regret it, my love.”
“I'm sure I will,” she said, smiling down into his face. “Yet, I doubt I can live without you now.”
“I know I cannot live without you,” he said gently.
“I am used to being alone, Dev, but now... now I no longer wish for that. In the space of a few days, I want to be part of this, part of your family.”
“Our family,” he amended. “I will call upon your brother tomorrow.”
“I need you to understand something, Devon.” Lilly tried to sort through the words that she wanted to say.
“Tell me then, and I will try.”
“My children, the house in Temple Street, I will not give them up.”
He cupped her face, lifting it so they looked at each other.
“I would never ask you to, but what I would ask is that you let me help you with them.”
She nodded, daring to believe that he actually meant those words.
“Trust me.”
“I do.” She raised her chin for the brief kiss he brushed over her lips. “I am going home this afternoon, Devon, and in this I will stand firm. I need to see Aunt Vi, and it is not right for me to stay here.”
His expression darkened, and she knew this was the first of many battles they would wage.
“I want you safe.”
“And I will be. I will take no more risks, and go nowhere without alerting you or James if I believe there is danger involved.”
“And that is supposed to appease me?” He was scowling now.
She kissed him this time, softly, their lips lingering.
“I won't let you go now, Lilly. You are mine forever.”
“I-I don't want you to let me go... ever.”
“Do you know what my first thought was when those men abducted me?”
He led her to a chair, then sat and pulled her down onto his lap.
“Tell me.”
“I wanted you. I had never turned to anyone before, but at that moment I needed you so much.”
“And that scares you?”
“Yes, it scares me because I don't like to rely on people anymore.”
“You can rely on me, Lilly, because I will try to never willingly let you down. There may be times when I make you angry because I can be a bit overprotective and.... Did you just snort?”
She smiled. “A bit overprotective?”
“I am the head of my family now, love. It is not always an easy job keeping them all safe.”
Lilly brushed the pad of her thumb over his lips. “And yet you have, Dev. And now I will keep you safe and help you chase away those demons that you keep locked inside you.”
She watched the unease gather in his eyes as his body stiffened.
“What do you know of my demons?”
“I know you carry the pain of every soldier who died while they fought beside you, and I know that any pain your family suffered, you blame yourself for not shielding them from.”
“I believe you said I thought I was a god?”
She smiled. “It is not a fault to put others before you, Devon. But you cannot blame yourself for things that are not in your control. You are a protector, it is in your nature, I understand that, and it will be my job to ensure you do not take the role too seriously.”
“I do have demons, love, it comes with my nurturing nature, so my mother always told me,” he said with a wry smile. “Our father was not a good man, and I did not realize how bad he was until he died, yet part of me still worries that I should have known what he was doing—”
“No, Dev.” Lilly pressed her fingers to his lips. “I know you will tell me what he did when you are ready, but I also know that you are the most honorable, wonderful man I have ever known and that you did everything you possibly could to make your siblings happy and that is enough. Now, take some of your own advice and leave the past behind you.”
Resting his forehead on hers, he said, “How have I lived without you for so long? I love you, Lilliana Braithwaite, more than I ever believed possible.”
“And will you let me share your burdens?”
“I will.”
“I love you, Devonshire Sinclair.”
He kissed her, a thorough meeting of lips that Lilly felt to her toes. Slowly the flames of passion licked at her as he deepened the contact. She needed this man so much it terrified her. Throwing her arms around his neck, she kissed him back.
“We have to stop, Lilly,” Dev groaned, pulling back.
“Why?”
“Because if this continues I will throw you on top of your cousin's desk and ravish you, and it is too soon. Not to mention that it is your cousin's desk.”
Lilly looked at James's desk and nodded.
“Perhaps that would not be wise.”