27
Seeing the light.
Killian took advantage of a few moments alone while Nick checked on Dex’s injuries and packed their belongings for their flight. They’d keep the house so they’d have a place to stay for any trips back to the mainland, but come morning, they were flying out of there like bats out of hell.
These last few days had been far too long and the exhaustion was wearing on him. It took every ounce of restraint to delay their departure to the island. But his instincts had told him to wait. He couldn’t shake a lifetime of self-preservation or worry that Petrov would back out of his word and attack them that evening as they tried to leave.
Gutierrez didn’t know the details of what triggered Petrov’s departure, and he never would as long as Petrov kept his promise. Regardless of his frustration at not knowing the full situation, Gutierrez had sent his men to follow and confirm “the old bastard” and his remaining crew had boarded a plane back to Chicago two days ago.
With the additional confirmation—from both Killian’s local and Chicago-rooted sources—that Petrov was back home and the contract on Nick had been canceled, Killian could almost fully breathe for the first time since that night in the hangar.
Petrov had kept his word after all.
Good. If that ever changed, Killian would prove just how faithful he was to keeping his own word.
Killian tilted his face up toward the night sky, appreciating the silence to sort through everything in his mind. His mother had always told him he was a quiet thinker. He sighed, unable to slow the live-stream of memories of his childhood, his mother, father, and everything in between. In the last few days, his life had been endlessly flashing before him. Every recollection, just as vivid now as the day it had happened.
And with it all came a certain clarity that hadn’t been there before.
Everything was the same, yet different, as if he had suddenly uncovered a secret layer privy only to those gifted with a connection deep enough to listen to unspoken words. So much had happened in such a short span of time, he hadn’t had a chance to truly process everything—what had happened, how close they had come, or what he felt. Nothing could have prepared him for the wave of emotions that had reached a crescendo in that hangar.
Everything had changed in those few moments.
He had changed.
Now, he was finally at peace enough to grasp what that meant.
Tomorrow, they’d head to the island and start their new life together. And for the first time, Killian welcomed something new and unplanned with open arms if it meant holding on to this feeling in his heart. The thought both shook and comforted him.
He closed his eyes, letting a fresh wave of those same emotions fill every crack and crevice of his soul. For the first time, he understood what his father had felt for his mother, and why losing her had broken him so badly.
Love.
It was in everything his father had said and done around his mother. Every look, touch, and hint of smile. He could see it clearly now. The way his father bent slightly inward, nearing that inch closer to her when they stood together without touching to avoid the contact in front of their young son.
Killian scoffed and shook his head. Every memory appeared different as the hidden meaning surfaced, like watching a foreign movie for a million times without knowing the words exchanged between characters, and then suddenly experiencing it with subtitles, and realizing most of the original assumptions and scene interpretations were wrong.
He had always known his parents loved each other because his mother had told him so, though he had never heard the words leave his father’s lips—to either his wife or son. His father rarely spoke of his emotions, and Killian assumed it was because he was a hard man of few words.
Until last night, with Nick in his arms after another marathon round in the bedroom, he hadn’t realized the true reason for that difference.
Their connection.
A tie that ran so deep words weren’t necessary. Standard roles and scripts didn’t apply. The love was a given, a simple understood fact that never needed to be voiced.
Killian sighed and closed his eyes, breathing in the night air, remembering one night when he was five years old and unable to sleep because of his mother’s worried state, something he remembered she often endured whenever his father had to work at night. He had seen the redness in her eyes even though she had hidden it as best she could. And one night, curiosity had gotten the better of him.
“Why were you crying?” he asked, pulling up the sheet under his chin as if that could protect him from whatever would come. He had heard the other schoolkids talking about their parents splitting up and how they had to spend weekends switching between houses. He didn’t want that, didn’t care for two sets of everything. “Did Daddy hurt you?”
His mother reached out and brushed the hair off his forehead. “Daddy would never hurt me or let anyone hurt me.” She continued brushing her fingers along his hair, lulling him to sleep.
“Then why were you crying?”
She smiled. “Because I love you both so much it’s sometimes a little scary. Especially when I can’t put you in a bubble and keep you safe,” she said, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
He chewed his lip, frowning as he tried to understand. “Does Daddy…love us just as much?”
“He does.”
He placed his hand over his heart. “Does he feel it here?”
His mother shook her head as her eyes welled with fresh tears. “No.”
“But isn’t that’s where love is?” His frown deepened. “That’s why people use the hearts for the cards and candies.”
“Your father is different. He doesn’t love us like other people do.”
Killian tapped his hand against his chest, over his heart. “So he doesn’t feel it here?”
She smiled. “He feels it everywhere.”
This memory—just as the many other snippets that came to mind during these last few days—was vivid, as if he were still that little boy tucked in bed trying to understand how his father showed his emotions.
Killian opened his eyes and slowly exhaled, the memory fading but the message remained crystal clear. He no longer needed to decipher words and hope his interpretation translated correctly. Maybe it was the near death in the hangar or the panic at seeing Nick hurt. He no longer questioned it or searched for an emotional benchmark.
He’d had it all along.
For the first time, he understood the meaning of what his mother had tried to tell him that night.
This is what love feels like.
He took a deep breath and tilted his head back again. Crickets chirped in the distance and palm fronds rustled in the air. He welcomed each sound hitting his eardrum. Everything more acute than usual. And he recognized them for what they were: signs of life and beauty, not warnings of changes in his surroundings.
He still didn’t know how much time he had lost after the gunshot between the moment he hit the floor and the time he woke. Flickers of that lost time appeared in quick flashes since they had left the hangar that night. He inhaled sharply as a single memory lanced every muscle in his body, weakening him.
The piercing yell of his nickname as he slipped into the darkness.
The pain in Nick’s voice echoed what Killian had felt that night when he thought he had lost him. It was the sound of deep-rooted pain. Grief. The desperate sound of a heart breaking. It was the one thing Killian remembered and the one thing he wished he could erase from his mind.
Nick accepted him, as is. With all his darkness and shades in between. Killian wasn’t required to fit into some stereotypical role in this relationship. And that made him fearless. Strong. Unafraid to walk a tightrope above a pit of fire with flames licking up his body. But now, after having known what it was like to come so close to losing him, Killian knew what he had imagined as being difficult didn’t come close to capturing the emotions twisting and churning in his soul.
Losing Nick would be devastating and would leave a wound that would never heal.
Losing Nick would break him…just as his father had been broken by his mother’s death.
“You’ve been out here awhile. Should I be worried?”
The corner of Killian’s mouth curled into a smile at the sound of Nick’s soothing voice behind him. “No.”
Strong arms slid around his waist and a familiar heat pressed against his back. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk about the other night.”
Killian placed his arms over Nick’s and leaned back into his weight. They’d barely spoken about that night in the hangar, opting instead to channel that worry and frenzy of feelings into their lovemaking. But Killian knew it weighed heavily on Nick. Just as much as it had weighed on him.
“I thought I lost you,” Nick whispered, snuggling closer.
Killian closed his eyes as the gust of Nick’s exhale skated across his neck. He ducked his head, not wanting to waste any more time or risk something getting lost in translation. “I told you a while ago…you’d have to pry me away from you.” He swallowed heavily. “I meant it.”
Nick pressed a kiss to his neck and tightened his arms around Killian’s waist. “You always mean what you say.”
He unclasped Nick’s arms from around his waist and turned to face him.
Nick instantly reached out and cupped his face in return. “We finally get our forever,” he whispered, almost as if afraid to say it too loud and risk Karma coming back for a do-over. But Nick couldn’t hold back the smile or the utter joy gleaming in his eyes.
Killian wrapped his fingers around Nick’s wrists, holding his hands in place, finding comfort in the heat of Nick’s palms against his skin. The subtitles of the film playing before him were crystal clear. This was what his mother had meant that day. This was a different kind of love, one that couldn’t be measured with words.
He felt it everywhere. In his mind, his heart, coursing through his veins, and filling his soul.
His life had been clearly defined by several milestones, but it was as if a line had been drawn…life before and after Nick. Even with their first encounter decades ago, Nick had played a role in redefining how Killian had carried on his father’s legacy and his quest to shield the innocent.
And that day in the restaurant, before he had set his eyes on Nick weaving his way between the tables of customers, Killian had sensed a shift in the air and the pull in his body. He remembered how the hairs at the back of his neck had prickled, but not as a warning. He had sensed Nick’s presence before he had seen him. He hadn’t understood why the small bits of conversation between them in stolen moments fed his soul far more than anything on the dinner menu. He hadn’t understood why his heart beat harder than usual or why the million thoughts always racing in his mind evaporated when they were together.
He was a Marks man and had fallen in line with his legacy. And while he had inherited both the job and his father’s hardness, Killian was his own person. He no longer wanted mere survival and didn’t want to live vicariously through Nick. He wanted to live life, understand it, feel it, and see the beauty of life the same way Nick did. With him, at his side. Marveling over every new discovery and sharing in its reverence.
Without question, the man standing before him was the greatest wonder in his life.
He finally had the subtitles and everything was clear.
Killian leaned in and pressed his forehead to Nick’s. “I love you,” he whispered, testing the words on his lips for the first time. His gaze slid up to Nick’s eyes, the jade pools slowly filling with emotion.
Nick rubbed his thumb along Killian’s cheek, a hesitant smile twitching the corner of his mouth. Killian pressed a kiss to Nick’s waiting lips, then another. “I love you.” He pressed a kiss to each of Nick’s cheeks, then ghosted another pair over Nick’s eyelids when his eyes fluttered shut, ending with a kiss to the tip of his nose.
“I didn’t think you’d ever say it.” Nick remained still as he spoke in a whisper, his lips parted and his chest heaving. He slowly opened his eyes and stared at Killian, the smile finally spreading across his face. “You’re really here and you really said that.”
“Yeah. I really said that.”
“No, you didn’t.”
Killian held back a grin at Nick’s teasing tone. “I did.”
“I think I need to hear it one more time to be sure.”
Killian chuckled, unable to control the rapid flutter of his pulse. “Just once?”
The playfulness in Nick’s expression transitioned to something softer. “For starters.” Nick ran his fingers along the side of Killian’s jaw and down his neck, stopping when he flattened his palm against Killian’s chest.
Killian covered Nick’s hand with his own, holding it firmly against his wildly beating heart. “I love you,” he said, his tone firm and confident, holding the conviction he knew Nick found to be his strength.
Nick gripped the back of Killian’s neck and slammed their mouths together. They tumbled to the ground, rolling on the dew-covered grass, refusing to allow a single inch between them as they desperately attacked each other’s lips. Killian tore away from the kiss to steal a breath, holding Nick close, relishing the building heat between them.
“I brought out the lube and a blanket,” Nick said, gasping each word.
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
Nick laughed and pulled him back into another kiss. Killian refused to break free as he reached out, blindly feeling his way in the grass until his fingers grazed the blanket and lube.
After a few groans of protest and movements quicker than he thought he could muster with this much need vibrating through his limbs, he finally stripped Nick bare on the blanket and draped him with his own nakedness.
Killian slowed the pace, peppering tender kisses along Nick’s warm skin, forcing the need between them to simmer as he prepared Nick’s body. His entire being buzzed with an urgent need to cement this inexplicable bond between them. To show Nick how he felt, even though Killian had finally voiced the words.
Three tiny words couldn’t sum up the entirety of his feelings. It wasn’t just a feeling that gripped his heart. Nick had become the air that filled his lungs, the light that awakened his soul, and the reason hope had taken root in his spirit and begged…no, demanded he fight and claw his way out of the depth of the darkness.
Killian was a man of action, and words couldn’t summarize the million things he felt.
But Nick understood and interpreted every subtitle of his wordless manifesto.
He finally entered Nick with a groan, savoring the heat surrounding him. They moved as one, each thrust taking him deeper into Nick’s welcoming body. He slowed the pace of their lovemaking, kissing and touching Nick everywhere he could, hoping to convey his emotions with each point of contact. They didn’t need to reaffirm they had survived that night. This was about showing his love in every microscopic way.
He worshiped every millimeter of Nick’s flesh, reveling in every twitch of muscle beneath his lips and craving every moan his touch triggered. His heart jackhammered in his chest in complete contradiction with the slow, languid pace of his undulating hips. He wanted this to last—this feeling in his heart and the raging desire pumping through his veins. His need for Nick was a replicating force, rendering him weak and defenseless against its strength.
He begged for the power of that connection to fill his starving spirit and bind their souls with each push of his body. He threaded his fingers with Nick’s and leaned forward, blanketing Nick’s body with his own, driving his hips deeper into Nick’s welcoming heat.
Desire lashed out and ricocheted in Killian’s body, igniting a fuse that forced his hips to snap forward. Nick squeezed their hands tighter and arched his body, deepening their intimate caress and drawing him in with his telltale gasp.
The need, the want, the desire, and love all mingled into a powerful potion, adding fuel to the wildfire within Killian, threatening to consume him. He tightened his hold on Nick’s hands and thrust his hips forward in one final push as he finally gave in, meeting Nick in his release as they surrendered to each other in unison.
Together. As they were meant to be.
He held Nick close, refusing to release him from the cage of his arms as he remained buried deep inside. He pressed a kiss to the side of Nick’s neck, tenderly over the small cut from a few days before. He lingered close in a caress, breathing him in, welcoming the wave of emotions flowing through his body—now, recognizing those emotions for what they were.
This…this was what life and love were about. This connection. This overwhelming sense of happiness smothering everything else in his mind.
There, under the star-filled night, with the crickets and palms singing in harmony, Killian held the one man with the power of a promise for a life he never thought he’d ever have. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Nick’s waiting lips. He screwed his eyes shut and pulled Nick closer, thankful for the precious gift in his arms he’d always guard with his life.