~Chapter 15
~Peach
Moving towards the oven, I feel eyes on me and wonder if it’s the prospect or if he’s here. Over the past year since I went to Blaze and Tank about the people following me, I have almost gotten used to it, it makes me feel safe. But, there are times that it feels different, I feel safer, like when he came for me those years ago. When I know that he must be the one watching me because the tingles that I feel thinking of him run rampant through me.
Going to the window, I see the cherry of a cigarette and know it’s him. I haven’t been in his presence, in over two years. This distance between us is still there because we haven’t talked. How can I feel these feelings for a man that I haven’t spoken to in over two years? A man that I only spent a few days with, coming out of years of abuse and men using me however they wanted. My feelings are always so mixed up when it comes to him.
My therapist, Dr. Feelgood as I like to refer to her as, tells me that my feelings for him are not true, that they are misplaced, some sort of hero worship. She always says, “He saved you, it was something that he was asked to do and he did it. Nothing more, nothing less. He probably thought of you as a little lost bird, he saw the pain in you and wanted nothing more than to put it to rest. That is what good men do, it doesn’t mean that he loves you. That he is giving up everything that he has been to be with you, to save you. You need to be able to save yourself Rebecca, you can’t be dependent on a man for that, not any longer.”
The broken record of her plays on repeat in my head as I stare out into the darkness. Seeing the cherry again cut through the darkness, I reach for my smokes and the coffee cup curling up in the window box waiting for his next move. Lighting up a smoke I inhale deeply, holding the air in for long moments, before letting it out slowly.
I know that Shadow has done something, it has been this way for the years since he dropped me off on Irene’s doorstep. He doesn’t need to be with me, he just needs to be near me in order to feel at peace, I know because that is exactly how it is with me. When I am having a shit day or my thoughts of the past get too much for me, his presence, the peace I feel even knowing he is near, calms me for a short time. But then the thoughts of the way he treated me, the words he spits at me, and the way that he used me in the bathroom come flooding back.
Falling asleep in the window seat at some point during the night, I wonder how I got to my bed, but know it was him. I know that I should be on my own, that I don’t need a man to make me complete, but the way I feel knowing he is taking care of me is something I can’t deny, no matter what he has done in the past.
Getting ready for the day I look towards the calendar to see that not only am I working the afternoon shift, but I have a therapist appointment at 10am. Glancing towards the clock, I notice the time and hop outta bed, knowing Irene will be here shortly to pick me up.
As the water starts to run, I hear her call out into the house, letting me know that we are going to be late, if I don’t hurry. Moving through the paces of the shower, I must stop myself from thoughts of last night, of watching him out the window as my hands roam over my body. Hearing Irene call out again, I stop myself from doing what my body needs at the thoughts of him. Turning off the water, I grab a towel off the rack as I step out, while noticing it’s damp and can’t help but wonder why. Pulling it to my face, I inhale deeply knowing that smell in a moment, Shadow. This brings my body’s demand for release screaming to the fore front.
Inhaling deeply my left hand grasps the towel tightly near my face as my right hand slowly drops away. Making an extremely slow path to my breasts. I take my time slowly tracing a finger over my sensitive nipple, before the bud hardens under my ministrations. As my breath picks up I breathe in his sent again before pinching my nipple enough to draw a gasp from my lips. Feeling the twinge of arousal in my lady flower, my hand moves downward skating lightly over my stomach as it goes.
Reaching my cunt, I find myself soaking, like I always am when I think of him, and hurriedly jam three fingers inside. Breathing deeply into the towel, I press it against my face hard enough that the air flow is cut off. As my body starts to react to the loss of oxygen, my fingers keep up a fast pace stroking in and out. When my head starts to feel dizzy, I drop the towel away as that hand reaches for my clit. Pinching it hard, adding another finger to my cunt, it takes me no time to find my release and his name spills from my lips as I do so.
Moving quickly, I finish up in the bathroom and toss some clothes on as I make my way to the front room. Seeing Irene, already holding a travel mug for me, I throw my arms around her kissing her on the cheek before we head out the door. Waiting next to the truck, as has been typical for the past two plus years is Preach. Nodding towards him, I take note of the gleam in his eye as he catches sight of Irene coming out from behind me. There is something going on between those two, and has been since before I came back, but they won’t talk about it. That must be a story for another day.
Driving through town, I see the bike following us outta the back window and know in my gut- its Shadow. Pulling up to my appointment, Irene and I get outta the car, making our way up to the door, I turn back to catch a glimpse of the motorcycle pull up next to Preach’s window. We are too far away for me to see his face, but I know and so must Irene, who reaches out for me as I turn on my heel headed back to the car. “It’s not the time, Rebecca. You and him both have things left to work on before you try to talk through your shit.”
Heading into the office I have spent countless hours in, I know that Irene is right and I need to finish dealing with the things that have been done to me before taking on number eight. In the past two plus years I have dealt with each and every piece of shit that has done me wrong except number one. That is who we are starting to deal with today, and I know that there will be some rough days ahead.
Dr. Feelgood has the couch all warmed up for me as we enter the room. Irene takes her usual place by the window, grabbing her knitting outta her bag, continuing with whatever she happens to be making this time. She doesn’t always sit in with me, but today I asked her to. Knowing we would be speaking about number one, and she agreed without hesitation.
Getting comfortable, I tuck my feet up under me and grab the fuzzy blanket from the back of the couch. Dr. Feelgood is pulling a chair up to the side of me, grabbing up a notebook and pen before sitting down. Looking towards me, she takes a long inhale as she begins, as we do every time.
“Rebecca, glad that you came today,” looking outta the window she rambles on about the weather for a few minutes, before getting to the crux of our relationship. “Let’s talk about the man that married your mother, the man that you were with for years after both her and your sister were taken from you.”
Losing myself in the thoughts of the past, I know that the memories are screaming to the surface.
Me finding myself pulling further and further away from any friends that I have found at school, my grades slipping as the years went on, but I had no one except Momma Irene to care about that for me. The smell of alcohol that came in the door with Harold each and every time he would come home. The way he would scream at me for any and everything that went wrong when I had no control over it. The women that he would bring home and the noises of them all throughout the night. Then nearing the time that I left, Harold coming into my room late in the night, pawing at me over the blankets of my bed.
Shaking outta those thoughts, Dr. Feelgood is handing me a cup of water as I come back. “You got lost in your memories again Rebecca. I’m glad that you came back so quickly, but you really need to stay in the here and now. You need to deal with the feelings those thoughts have, not escape to your mind. You will never be able to have a relationship or speak freely and openly to someone if you are constantly retreating into yourself.”
Sitting back down into her chair she adjusts her glasses before going on. “Let’s move on from Harold. I know you have mentioned going to a BDSM club over the past few months and I am worried about this if you are not able to voice your thoughts. That lifestyle needs someone to be able to voice any and all things. To be open with their partners and be able to not only express their desires but their fears as well. You are not there yet,” looking towards Irene she goes on, “so I hope that your participation in that environment is limited to observation alone at this time.”
Not knowing why she is addressing Irene at this moment, I nod my head in agreement with her words. I am confused at the dynamic between these two right now. Looking from her to Irene, I wonder what is happening between them. Before I can ask, the timer set on the desk rings, and this session has come to an end.
“The progress you are making is good, Rebecca. Let’s continue this next week.” Rising to my feet I stretch as she goes on, “Remember, you are enough and deserve happiness, just like everyone.”
Moving towards the door, Irene and I exit the office and head towards the truck. Lighting up a smoke I pull back from Irene as she continues on towards Preach. Inhaling deeply, I wonder again about the way that Irene and the doctor were talking. Finishing the smoke, I crush it under my heel before cutting the distance to the truck.
Catching up with Irene I ask, “Irene, why was Dr. Feelgood looking at you when she was talking about the club?”
“She knows that I talk with Emmanuel, shit Marcus and Abraham as well. That they will want to know what she feels is appropriate for you as far as the lifestyle goes.” Looking back towards the office building then catching my gaze again she goes on, “The doctor just wants to make sure that if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings that you are not getting in over your head- which I couldn’t agree with more. It’s something that everyone wants for you.”
Confused I ask, “Everyone? Emmanuel? I don’t even know who the fuck that is Irene.”
A stern look come to her face as she speaks, “Watch that tone with me, girl.” Watching over my shoulder, I turn to see what she is looking at- Shadow is across the parking lot- as she answers, “In time you will know everything that you need to know. For now, you need to understand that everyone only wants what’s best for you.” And with that our conversation is over, and I am again left with more questions than answers.