I hadn’t thought this trip would be difficult until I saw Father Cameron in his underwear two nights ago, and then again, almost naked swimming in the river yesterday afternoon. Actually, I was pretty sure that he had been naked, but the damn creek was deep enough that I could barely see below his waistline. That was enough to send my imagination on another rollercoaster ride. Then I slid down the shameless path when I openly talked about all the parts of him that I’d seen, and I could tell he liked listening to me talk. From that moment forth, I couldn’t look at him the same way. Worse yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about him in ways that no one should have. My shame was slowly turning into an aphrodisiac, and I loved every minute of it. He was turned on too. I could tell when I saw him grow and slightly lift over the water’s surface.

I turned on a priest. I’m so burning alive for this.

And if Lola knew, she’d never let me live it down.

What the hell am I doing?

I wanted to believe that Father Cameron had chosen the wrong calling. I wanted to believe that he shouldn’t have become a priest, but that would be wrong. Then again, this so-called wrong felt so right that I was beginning to question my faith.

Tonight was the last night of the retreat. For the past two days, each time I saw Father Cameron, I tried not to think about him in all his naked glory. Every time we spoke, I pretended that his muscled body was just another human body. Yet when I lay in bed at night, that body became the focal point of my obsession. How fair was it that he of all people wasn't available? A body like his was meant to be sinned with, not to be covered by clerical robes and unflattering clothes. Except Father Cameron’s attire didn’t matter. When I looked at him, the world spun quicker while time slowed, and the universe no longer made any sense.

And so on this last evening, I tapped my fingers over the night table beside my bed, wondering whether he was in his cabin, lost in prayer, begging for the sins of his patrons to be forgiven; and God only knew, since I had plenty, he could be there a long time.

“What’s the matter with you?” Lola asked.

“Everything is fine.”

“Is that why you’re looking at Father Cameron like he’s one giant lollipop you’d like to lick over and over again.”

“Eww, Lola. I’m not looking at him that way.”

Was I? Of course I was; I’d just hoped that no one else had noticed.

“All right, a candy cane, then?”

“No, Lola. No sweets.”

“You prefer beef jerky?”

“Oh, just stop it, will you? I’m going to check if all the lights are out.”

“Make sure you check Father Cameron’s as well!” she called out, as the door to our cabin shut behind me.

I knocked on the first girls’ cabin, saying, “Lights out, ladies.”

The switch turned off. I went around the campsite’s perimeter and somehow ended up at the edge of the forest, right behind Father Cameron’s cabin. My legs had carried me to the same spot where I’d ogled him undressing on our first night here, and I couldn’t have been happier.

I leaned back against the same tree and waited, staring into Father Cameron’s dark window, wondering whether he was asleep. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, yet I didn’t budge. The idea of seeing him naked was titillating. I should have buried that brewing yearning deep inside me – burned it if I could – but letting it go was more difficult than quitting smoking after a lifetime of cigarettes.

The thought of confiding in Father Cameron in a confessional crossed my mind, but that felt wrong as well.

A light flicked on in Father Cameron’s cabin. Protected by the darkness of the night, I braced my back deeper against the tree. My feet remained pinned to the ground as if I’d been planted there since the beginning of time.

Wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, he came out of his bathroom, sat on a couch, and turned on his laptop. I held my breath. Extending his legs out on the table he looked like any other man. Father Cameron reached for a bottle of cold beer and tilting his head back, put it to his lips. That was the first time I ever wondered about the temperature of his mouth after he’d had a few sips. The thoughts sent that delightful shiver over my spine, and I gently rubbed my back against the tree.

I should leave.

As I stepped to the side, Father Cameron reached for his zipper, and I returned to my spot. I held my breath while he unfastened it. I watched him scroll through the screen. A few clicks later, he shimmied out of his pants and lowered them to his knees. My heart rate sped as his hand slowly slipped underneath his boxer-briefs.

What is he doing?

I knew exactly what he was doing, but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was watching the priest of a parish I lived in getting ready to touch himself. In the back of my mind, alarms were ringing that I was invading his privacy. I shouldn’t be there. It was wrong, and I’d need to confess my sins to the same man I was staring at, but that didn’t matter. The moment felt so, so right that I couldn’t ignore the tingling sensation I had in my stomach. It traveled lower and lower, right to between my legs, and it felt so, so good.

I strained in an attempt to see his laptop screen. The image of predominantly naked skin and two bodies writhing against one another was clear enough, and my mind took me on a ride, imagining it was me and him, skin against skin, twined limbs, slick bodies and satisfaction burning in our eyes. I saw Father Cameron grin as he began watching porn.

He’s human.

He’d said it himself, so why didn’t I ever think that he had unsatisfied needs? He grasped himself, removing his dick from his underwear, and I gasped. Even from this far away it looked huge, solid and strong, perfectly complementing his physique. He tensed at the first stroke, leaned forward, and squeezed clear lube onto his palm before sitting back against the couch, more relaxed. His grip was gentle at first as his hand slowly made its way down, pulling his uncircumcised skin though his hold all the way to the bottom, then back up. My breathing quickened.

That was hot.

His hand slid up and down with ease, slowly at first, then more quickly. The lines of his jaw tensed. I felt my thighs clench, my stomach swirl, and my whole body heat at the erotic sight. There was something arousing about watching someone doing an unforgivable deed. As far as I remembered, priests were supposed to be celibate. Did that mean that they couldn’t please themselves? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know the ins and outs of Catholic rules, but I did know that standing there, absolutely mesmerized by the movement of his hand, was wrong.

But how else was he to relieve himself? I could only imagine that celibacy wasn’t easy and definitely not for everyone. Definitely not for me.

Maybe there was a monthly quota for priests, and he hadn’t reached his? Well, from the look of his quickening strokes and gasps, he’d definitely fulfill a large part of it tonight. If he weren’t a priest, I would have knocked on his door and asked if he needed help. I’d be naked and on my knees, with my mouth around him, sucking him deep into my mouth before he had a chance to say hello.

As my yearning for this man grew, my hand slid down to between my legs, underneath my leggings, where the fabric of my panties was dampened. My body craved pleasure. It had been so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt a man’s hands on my skin. I cupped my pussy over my panties, just to feel its warmth. Except there was much more going on down there than temperature change. The heat throbbed against my palm, urging my fingers to push past the fabric, so I gently rubbed my tip right over my panties. The image of Father Cameron masturbating behind the window captivated me. As his hand sped, so did my heart and so did my need.

Would he finish? Would he come?

My gaze traveled away from his fast moving hand, up his torso where the tight shirt nicely highlighted the muscles, and then to his lips. The same cool lips that sipped on the beer moments ago now mouthed, “Shit,” and I gasped. His swearing made him more like a man, a real man. He bit his lower lip and leaned forward, closer to the screen. His jawline tensed even further, its bone structure becoming more prominent. As his nostrils flared and his eyes shut, I watched as his first spurt shot out of his crown, right over the laptop, and he reached the height of his pleasure. He leaned forward, his grip easing. His mouth opened and body tensed once more as the last squeeze of his wrist pulled the final drops of orgasm out of him.

My breaths heavy, I realized that I was still holding myself, feeling the pulse there pound with intensity. Secretly, I wanted him to know what I’d done. I wanted him to know that I was watching him, and I wanted to see his reaction when he saw me with my hand between my legs, but that was wrong. I couldn’t even begin to count the ways in which that was wrong.

What are you doing, Kate?

A familiar voice echoed my thoughts: “Kate? What are you doing out here? It’s late.”

I jumped up and pulled my hand out of my pants, straining my sight for whom I thought was Lola.

“I… I lost an earring earlier in the day and thought I’d look for it.”

Couldn’t I have come up with a better excuse? Like… I followed a lost bunny into the woods? Argh, during the past month pretending to be someone else, a good and timid girl, I must have lost my touch. I felt all those little lies I’d told burn in my throat and carve into my heart. Maybe I should have taken my confessions more seriously. Maybe I should have listened to Father John, who told me that if I bared my soul to God, I’d feel cleaner and lighter on the inside.

“Kate, how are you going to find it in the dark? Do you even have a flashlight?” she asked.

Of course I didn’t.

“Well, I lost that too.”

Crap! I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to get easier any time soon.

“A flashlight?”

“Yes, and now I can’t find that either.”

“Well, let me help you look.”

“No, no. It’s pointless anyways. You can’t see anything.” I wiped my wet fingers on my leggings and stepped away from the forest, enough that if Lola met me halfway, she wouldn’t be privy to the show I’d just witnessed in Father Cameron’s bedroom window. But I wasn’t quick enough.

“Wait – isn’t that Father Cameron’s cabin?” She pointed to the living room. I was ready to make a deal with Satan right about now, just so that she wouldn’t see our priest with his hand around his dick. Either that, or I’d hoped I could at least click my magical red heels and wake up far away from this nightmare. I looked down to my dirty sneakers and frowned.

“Ahm, I don’t know. Did you hear that?” I pointed in the opposite direction.

“Hear what?”

“Come – I thought someone called out.” I pulled on her hand, urging her around the bend.

Little did I know, Satan must have been laughing at me all the way from hell at this moment, because as we turned the corner, none other than Father Cameron closed the front door to his cabin. It appeared that while I was trying to cover up my peeping Tom experience, I hadn’t noticed when Father Cameron finished his business, got dressed, and came out of the cabin.

“Good evening, Father,” Lola grinned, poking me in the ribcage with her elbow. I froze, hoping the ground would swallow me whole.

“Lola, Kate. Is everything all right? I thought I heard someone outside.”

“Yes, we were just looking for Kate’s earring.”

“You lost it, Kate?”

My face was burning up. Could he tell that I’d just seen him get himself off? Could he see the embarrassment brightening my cheeks?

“I, ahm, I did,” I said. I could feel their stare on me, waiting for me to say something else, but what else was there?

So, how was it, Father? Did you enjoy the video?

“I think I should get off, I mean, put off looking for it until morning. It’s pretty dark,” I stuttered.

“Well, where did you lose it?”

No, no, no!

“She already looked for it down there.” Lola pointed behind the cabin and I shut my eyes so tight, I’d hoped I’d never have to look Father Cameron straight in his eyes again. Right now would have been a good time for Mother Earth to open up and let me shamelessly slide down, right into hell. But no. Mother Earth had other ideas.

“She was there when?”

“A few minutes ago.”

Shit, shit, shit!

“Kate?” he asked. “Did you lose your earring behind my cabin, perhaps?” Oh, that hint of admonishment in his voice was enough for me to rate this moment as the most embarrassing one in my life.

I peeked from underneath my eyelids as Father Cameron was studying me from below his. Oh, he so knew that I saw him. Now I had no choice but to go to confession; not that I wouldn’t have. Was Father John asleep? Because there was no way I could tell Father Cameron what I’d done. Could I even tell Father John? I was beginning to be convinced that one day, one of them would have a heart attack because of me.

“Yes, that’s where I lost it.”

“And what were you doing looking for it at this hour? It’s almost dark outside.”

“She lost it earlier in the day,” Lola explained, grinning.

Did she know what I’d done? Was she covering for me?

“And I started looking when it was still light outside. I lost track of time,” I lied yet again. I was getting pretty good at covering up my little fibs, but I was afraid that if I kept stalking Father Cameron, I would eventually begin losing track of them.

“I see. Well, if you’d like, I can help you look for it in the morning.”

“Thank you, Father,” I said and lowered my head. It would be some time before I could look him in the eye — if ever.

Lola cleared her throat and pointed to his leg. “Father, I don’t mean to be rude, but you have a stain on your jeans.”

Curious about the stain, I glanced at his jeans. They were so perfectly fitted, especially around the zipper area. The slight curve there revived that tingling sensation in my stomach. When I saw the dried discoloration Lola was referring to, I wondered whether it was his cum. My cheeks burned so hot that I prayed the night’s darkness would hide my secrets.

“Well, we don’t have the luxury of a full closet out here, and I dropped a melting marshmallow on my lap last night at the bonfire. Not one of my more graceful moments.”

Was it a marshmallow stain? Or maybe something much more fresh? I felt Satan’s laugh underneath my feet as heat spread from there up my body.

Argh, get your mind out of the gutter, Kate!

“Well, Kate tends to lose her food down her shirt all the time, so this isn’t a surprise,” Lola added.

Father Cameron’s right brow rose, and I thought I saw the corner of his mouth lift.

“We all have our little quirks.” I shrugged and then grabbed Lola’s arm, squeezing it hard. “We should get going. It’s a busy day tomorrow. Goodnight, Father.”

“Good night, Kate, Lola.”

“Good night. Oh, and a flashlight. Kate lost a flashlight as well. Right behind your cabin, so if you happen to find it, it’s hers.”

Great! Now he’ll think I purposefully ventured outside to find a cozy spot behind his cabin to watch him jerk off.

He nodded. While I wasn’t looking directly at him, I could feel the heat of his stare on me and only me. Lola was grinning from ear to ear as she took me under my arm and we went back to our cabin.

“I swear if I hear you say another word I will kill you,” I said though gritted teeth, and pushed her into our cabin. Inside, I put my earbuds in and turned on a playlist. Lola of course was already asking me a thousand questions, but I tuned her out as soon as Bon Jovi’s voice sounded. I closed my eyes and lay back on the bed.

It was pointless to try to fall asleep, but I knew that when I did, I’d dream about Father Cameron in ways no one should ever dream about a priest.