Accompanying song:

 

 

 

Big River Management Area. Greenwich, Rhode Island – April 30th, 2013

 

 

I hike up the hill through the thick layers of leaves. The trees I pass are covered in moss, but I clearly spot the bottom side of the tree where it has been chewed on. Good. That means I’m going in the right direction.

As I hike further up the hill, my boots sink into the piles and piles of compost. The sun shines down on my face, causing me to sweat. I dislike the dirtiness, so I quickly take out a cloth and wipe my face. While I’m at it, I clean my shotgun as well. I use it to swipe away the bushes and look for tracks, so it’s covered in soil. When I’m done, I walk to the top of the hill and gaze around. From here, I can spot everything, including the deer grazing in the distance. Perfect.

I make my way down the hill again and position myself in clear view. All they have to do is walk into my sight and I’ll shoot. Letting out a long, drawn-out sigh, I wait. I enjoy the calmness of the forest, the rustling of the leaves in the trees, and the sounds the animals make. It’s kind of peaceful in the midst of all the chaos that goes on in my life.

BANG!

It ended in a snap.

The moment I made the choice to shoot for my target… I killed myself.

It wasn’t the gun that murdered me, though, but the fact that I let my curiosity take control over me. That for a second, a glimpse of a moment in time, I made the decision to go against what I was taught.

The day I said yes to the men in the club.

My one chance to become a better person had turned out to be a nightmare.

But it was not just that day that ruined me. No, my choices have always been a result of the events before. Bad choices become more bad choices. History repeats itself, as they say. Like hunting, for example. I’ve always known what it’s like to hold a gun, which is only strange if you think about it. A young boy holding a gun, the difference between life and death. Who, at such a young age, would know what could happen? That one movement could change everything?

This gun is the same one I held many, many years ago, and I still cherish it to this day. It’s odd to say that I came to love this item, which has the power to kill. I know firsthand what it’s like to be the one to decide on life or death.

BANG!

I remember the first time I heard that sound. It was long ago, when my father finally took me out hunting. He wanted to teach me how to use a gun, or in his words ‘be a man’. The first time I pulled the trigger, I was so frightened that it had launched me back to the ground, and the bullet ended up going into a tree. Of course my father scolded me, told me I was worthless. I couldn’t clean, I couldn’t cook, and I couldn’t work with my hands like a real man. All I wanted to do was read books and write, but that wasn’t what my father wanted. Books could not feed mouths. Books couldn’t buy anyone alcohol. So he took me hunting instead, thinking he could teach me the ways of killing. But if I couldn’t even hold a gun, what was the point of me?

To this day, I still don’t know. No one prepares you for the question … why do I matter? There is no answer, but the day you find out is the day you become an adult.

I became an adult very quickly.

It takes only one blink and I’m back in that very moment, when everything came crashing down upon me. It’s too late to change the way things are now. I just have to suck it up, live with it, and work my way out of it.

As I fired my shotgun at the deer, rustling leaves behind them draw my attention. The deer scatter when they hear the sound. Shit. Whatever that was distracted them. Christ, I almost had my prize—one of the few things I enjoy in life—and someone had to go fuck it up again.

When I gaze up, I notice bright red hair floating through the air, disappearing behind a thick tree. All I saw was one eye, watching me, widening when she saw me looking. My nose begins to twitch. There’s no mistaking; it’s her all right. That fairy-like presence she has is vexing … in an exciting way.

Lowering my gun, I run through the forest to meet her. Like a beast, I feel the anger course through my veins, breezing through my nose as I walk to the tree she’s behind. Her body clings to it, trembling, as she holds onto the trunk for dear life.

“Fuck no,” I say, and then I grab her hand and pry it loose from the tree.

“Hey!” she squeals. “Get your hands off me!” I drag her away from the tree. She struggles, but I persist. My hand is wrapped firmly around her wrist as I haul her through the forest, careful not to hit any branches or rocks so I don’t lose her. She can’t escape. Not this time.

“Let go of me!”

“Not happening,” I say.

“You have no right. I’m going to call the cops.” She jerks so hard she almost twists her own arm, so I turn around and stop, looking her right in the face. I’m seething. What in the hell is she doing here? Didn’t I tell her to run—multiple times? She is fucking crazy.

“Oh, really? How?” I rummage in her pockets, while she tries to swat me away. “You’ve got nothing but empty threats.”

“Well, I’m not going to let you get away with what you’re doing.”

“What am I doing, then? Dragging you out of this forest? Yes, I am, because if you didn’t notice, I was fucking shooting with a shotgun, and you were inches away from being the target. Are you insane?”

“Yes, I saw you, and no, I’m not. I know you wouldn’t shoot me.”

“Don’t think you know me,” I scoff. I try to pull her with me, but she digs her feet into the dirt.

“No, I’m not going with you. Why should I?”

“Because you don’t know how dangerous it can be here,” I hiss. I’m pissed off but also very anxious to leave this place now that she’s here. Christ, she should’ve never come here. “How in the hell did you follow me here?” I spit.

She snorts. “You’re not the only one who knows how to tail people.”

I grab her arm tight and pull her closer. “You should not have come here.”

“I go wherever I want. I’m free, remember?” She arches her brow, mocking me. “And I’m free to haunt you for causing me pain.”

Dropping the shotgun beside me, I laugh, but then move in closer, challenging her back. “What pain? I gave you what you wanted; me.”

“That tape. Give it to me along with all the copies. ” She’s snappy. Unlike how she was before. This is new.

“And you thought you could get it? That I’d hand it over, just like that?” I smile and shake my head. “Do you really think I’m that easy?”

“No, but I know you want me gone, so I’ll do the opposite. You see, if you want something, you’ll only get it if you do something in return. Now give me the tape.” She holds up her hand.

Oh, what a delightful little thing, making demands like she’s all big and strong. This little fairy has some spunk in her after all.

I lean in, smiling, and place a finger under her chin, tipping it. I open my mouth and wait. “No.”

The fury that boils inside her almost comes out through her eyes. “Asshole!” And then she slaps me. In the face. For a moment, there’s silence as I place my hand over my cheek and rub. She gapes at me, breathing heavily as she stands still.

“That’s it,” I murmur, and then I grab her by the waist and lift her over my shoulder.

She squeals. “What are you doing?”

I ignore her, grab my shotgun, and push through the forest. I need to get out of here, right now. I don’t give a shit about her pounding on my back, squealing like she’s on fire. I will not risk my life for her.

“Sebastian?”

Shit. When I hear his voice, I stop in my tracks. Sweat drops trickle down my face from the heavy lifting, but I only notice it now.

“Who was that?” Miss Carrigan asks.

I take in a huge gulp of air. “No one.” And then I start walking again, faster and faster, until my legs are shaking and my lungs can barely keep up with my pace. I need to get moving; I have to get to my car as quickly as possible. I run toward the hilltop, and then down again, until I reach the road at the bottom. With her over my shoulder, I rush to my car and take out my keys, unlocking it before I get there. As I put her down on the ground, she tries to give me the knee, but I block it, luckily.

“Jerk!” she yells. “I am not your personal play thing.”

“Oh really? But isn’t that exactly what you asked? Being needed by me? Doing everything for me?”

For a moment, she’s flabbergasted. I know it might seem hard to understand, but I would not have any possible way of explaining it to her without sounding like a total lunatic myself. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Who cares, I’m just trying to survive.

“You know that’s not what I meant at all,” she says after a while. “Why did you bring me to your car? I’m perfectly fine with having this conversation in the forest, as long as you give me my goddamn tape.”

“It’s not your tape.”

“You know damn well what I mean.”

“That tape is none of your concern,” I say, as I open the trunk of my car.

“I’m not leaving until you give it to me. I’ll be happy to be out of your life forever once you’ve handed me that tape, but you won’t get rid of me anytime sooner. Not anymore.”

“Anymore? Did I ever get rid of you in the first place?” I scoff, grabbing a bunch of ropes.

With a confused look on her face, she watches me. “That is not the point.”

“It is exactly the point.” I smile as I come closer and throw the rope around her, pulling her close to me as if we were to dance a tango. “If you would not have come to me in the first place, none of this would have happened. You chose a different path.” Her mesmerizing eyes focus solely on me, so busy hating me, that it takes me a split second to wrap the rope around her arms and tie it around her back.

“What are you doing?” she says, shaking her head. “First you want me gone; now you’re trapping me again? What am I not getting here?”

“I want you out of here, Miss Carrigan. Now.” I jerk on the rope until it’s tight enough, causing her to squirm. Then I tie it around her hands and make sure she can’t move her upper limbs anymore. I enjoy seeing her strapped up like this; it’s one of my favorite things to do.

“I’m not going to run, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m going to bother you until you give me that tape, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

“Good. I don’t want you to run. Not anymore.”

When I say this, there’s a hint of regret in her eyes. Too bad, she shouldn’t have followed me here. She has no clue how dangerous it is here—how much I could get in trouble for this.

I exhale loudly and tie the knots even tighter. “As a matter of fact, I am taking you someplace else. Since you seem so inclined on following me fucking everywhere, I figured I might as well be the one to decide where exactly that is. You don’t want to leave me alone? Fine. I’ll stuff you somewhere where you can’t get out anymore. Ever.”

And with those words, I stuff a cloth in her mouth and bind a part of it behind her head. She screeches, fighting me with her feet, but I hold her back by clutching the rope. The rope has always been my anchor, my way of controlling things. I love tying knots and creating intricate designs with it. Such a pity this was done only to get her out of here quickly. I would’ve loved to make more of an artwork out of it.

I open the passenger side door and push her forward. “Get in.” And then I close the door and crawl behind the wheel. The humming of the engine doesn’t block out her screams as I drive  away from her only chance at freedom and into the devil’s mouth itself.