Accompanying song:

 

 

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 6th, 2013

 

 

My room is full of color. This shouldn’t be odd, except it is, since normally this place is as white as bones. Tonight, however, all the colors of the spectrum surround me. A lamp in the corner of the room is on. The air is thick, and my heart beats in my throat. The door handle shakes, and the door creaks open. One look at his face is all I need to forget what I’ve been told, and I invite him into my room.

He’s not supposed to be here, but I want nothing more.

His eyes land on my face as he places one foot inside the room. They enthrall me to the point of being unable to move from the bed I am sitting on. A small smile curves the ends of his lips, a wickedness emanating from him which creates goosebumps all over my body. With his shoulder-length, blond hair loosely falling over his face, he looks like an angel. My angel.

He steps further inside and closes the door behind him. His finger moves to his lips as he purses them. I’m suddenly achingly aware of how much I wish for those lips to be on me. Anywhere. I don’t know why I want it so much, but I do.

“Shh … don’t want to wake her.”

His eyes glance sideways to my roommate, who’s snoring loudly. Sighing, I close my eyes and listen. The noise disappears. When I open my eyes again, she’s gone. Vanished.

It doesn’t faze me.

With a grin on his face, he walks toward my bed and sits down at the edge, tentatively scooting closer. “I’ve been wanting to see how you’re doing.”

“And you couldn’t come during the day?”

“No, you know that’s not allowed.”

“But I’ve waited for you in the visitation room. You never came.”

He grabs my hand. “I’m sorry. I wanted to, but it’s not allowed. Not when you’re not …”

“Family.” I swallow away the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat.

“Regardless, I’m here. Now, how are you feeling?”

“Better now that you’re here.” I send him a smile, and he smiles back, setting my heart on fire. Having him here is wrong. So wrong, but I like it.

“Why are you here, actually?”

“I heard you’ve been asking about me. The staff told me you had difficulties coping with your new environment.”

“Yeah …” I lower my head and look away at the bed my roommate was supposed to be sleeping in. I still don’t understand how she’s gone now.

I don’t understand a lot of things, but at the same time, I’d rather not know, either. Not knowing means I don’t have to think about it. That it won’t hurt me.

I’m safe here. Sebastian is near me. He’ll keep me safe.

I lick my lips at the sight of his. His sly smile beckons me to come closer, but I dare not cross that boundary. I worry that the consequences might push me over the brink. That if the doctors find out I have the man who saved me, a man I barely know, here with me in my room, they’d lock me away forever. This is dangerous.

And, yet, it’s so exciting, I can’t get enough. I long for a man’s touch—his. He is the only man I trust, the only man who could rip away these briars that have grown around my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything at all. I’ve been numb ever since …

I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.

A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.

“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”

“Yes …”

He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.

“How much?”

“I want you to take me …”

“Why, Lillith? Why?”

“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”

He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”

I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”

His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”

“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”

“Beg me.”

“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”

“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”

“Which is?”

“I like it when girls beg.”

I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.

“Good,” he hums.

He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.

And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.

My eyes open wide but then narrow straight away. The bright light from the hallway outside blinds me, so I hold my hand against my forehead and look ahead. My roommate just came in. She rubs her face as she steadies herself. As she looks my way, she cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.

“What?” I say.

She nods, shakes her head, and shrugs. Just like always, she doesn’t speak. Nobody knows why, not even the doctors. But she refuses to use her vocal cords, even though she does have them, and they work perfectly fine, according to the doctor. I don’t mind, I can communicate with her just fine with body language alone. Like now, she basically said ‘what the hell are you doing’ and ‘whatever, you’re nuts.'

As my eyes drift away from her, I notice my bed is empty. The blanket is scrunched up between my fingers. I’m sitting straight up in bed, and my muscles are all tense, like some idiot having a spasm attack.

And Sebastian is nowhere to be seen.

Relaxing my muscles, I sigh and watch my roommate walk back into bed.

She must think I’m a lunatic.

Even I am starting to think I am.

Sebastian came to visit me, that I’m sure of, but how did they both vanish? I know he was here. But how is it possible? Visitors aren’t allowed, and I have no idea how he came in. Or how he left.

The doctors are right. I am truly losing my mind.

The bed next to me creaks. It makes me aware of the fact that I’m sitting here, thinking to myself in the middle of the night, wondering whether what I’m seeing is real or not. It freaks me out, and at the same time, it doesn’t. My blood should be pumping through my heart like mad, the hairs on my body should be standing up, and my eyes should be wide, but they’re not. I’m calm and numb.

Always numb.

Numb is the only thing I’ve felt for months. Except when Sebastian is around me.

I sigh again and rub my forehead. “Goodnight,” I tell my roommate.

She waves her hand and turns off the light on her bed stand, since it had apparently been on. I didn’t notice. What I do notice, is that the colors on the walls are gone. The white, unpainted canvas is as dull as ever. I wish we were allowed to hang something on the wall, but the doctors fear we might try to do something with it. I have no clue what, though. As if I could magically strangle myself with a piece of paper.

Well, at least I can do what I want in my mind. This room looks a lot better when I close my eyes. It has Sebastian in it.

I smirk to myself as I reach between the mattress and the box spring. I pull out a dreamcatcher I made with a bunch of plastic straws, shoelaces, and feathers I found outside. I hid it so nobody would find out, and I could keep it as a way to encourage the good dreams and banish the nightmares.

Yes, I believe in that sort of stuff. Don’t judge me.

I hope it works, though. I want more of Sebastian and less of the horrible memories that lurk deep inside me.