♪ Two ♪
Allexxiss looked back at her husband for the longest time, not sure what to say to him. He’d come home and announced that she was not being financed for her movie by Artisan Pictures. The project she was working on, was a script she’d read and loved. The movie was called The Living Edge, and it was just that, an edgy thriller about a woman fighting against all odds to take back her life when it is ruined by lies and deceit.
“How can they back out on financing it?” she asked, feeling bereft suddenly.
Maxwell shrugged. “They decided it was too risky a project.”
“Damn it!” she said, feeling a sense of impotent fury.
Maxwell simply shook his head dismissively as if he couldn’t understand why Allexxiss cared.
“What’s one more movie?” Maxwell said, his tone reflecting his lack of concern.
Allexxiss couldn’t believe he’d just said that, he really didn’t understand anything. How could he not? She’d explained to him in detail why it was important to her, why couldn’t he understand that?
Finally, she walked out of the dining room and upstairs. She changed into her workout clothes and went downstairs into the garage. Getting into her Jaguar XK8, she opened the garage, and gunned the engine. She drove down the hill and over to the gym. Once there she did a grueling two-hour workout, trying to work off the anger she was feeling.
It wasn’t fair! All the crappy ass movies Artisan put out on a regular basis, and with actors no one knew or cared to know. She’d brought millions to the company with her movies, and when she needed backing for one project, they couldn’t see their way clear? Bullshit! She thought viciously as she kicked the bag again and again. When her muscles started to scream, she stopped. She went to her locker and changed into her bathing suit, pulled her hair up and put it into a twist at her neck. She took a shower, then walked into the area with the hot tub. Thankful that it was empty, she relaxed leaning her head back and closing her eyes.
Allexxiss was totally relaxed when two women came into the room. She kept her eyes closed, hoping they’d take the hint and not try to engage her in conversation. Thankfully, they were busy talking to each other.
“I thought he was dating Jordan Tate?” one woman was saying.
“Well, he is, but he’s always dating two or three women at a time,” the other woman said.
“God, I’d love to be one of them, that man is so hot!” the first woman said.
“Yeah I agree with you there, BJ Sparks has a serious case of sexy.”
Allexxiss squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the familiar pain start when she heard about him. Damn him! Why couldn’t she just forget all that had happened? Why couldn’t she put it behind her? He obviously had, why couldn’t she?
London, 1979
The first six months that Brenden and Allexxiss were married were the happiest of both of their lives. They spent every moment they could together. Brenden would leave her sleeping in his bed and go to work at the bar. He’d crawl into bed behind her as soon as he got home at 3 a.m. every morning. She enjoyed the way he curled his body around hers, wrapping his arms around her. She felt loved and safe. Allexxiss would usually sleep until around eight, then she’d get out of bed to take a walk around the neighborhood, determined not to get too fat with the baby. She would stop at the market and buy fresh fruit and vegetables, what little they could afford. Many times she’d spend her own money, what she had left from her trip money. She hadn’t spent much during her original two week stay, because she’d been with Brenden the entire time and he never let her pay for anything. So she’d spend a little here and there to buy something special for them to eat.
Brenden constantly chided her for spending her money on him. He was adamant about taking care of her. Contrary to what her parents thought, Brenden James O’Malley was no gold digger. He didn’t care how much money her family had, he wanted nothing to do with it or them. As far as Brenden was concerned, in marrying Allexxiss he’d taken her as his wife and his responsibility. And Brenden O’Malley never relied on anyone but himself to make due. It was his way, and Allexxiss admired it. She’d always been given anything she wanted, she’d never had to work for anything. Brenden on the other hand, had to work for everything he had, but he never complained, it was all he’d ever known.
He’d run away from home when he was ten years old, leaving Ireland and his extremely poor parents behind. He headed to London, England, to make a man out of himself. He stowed away on a steamer leaving Dublin, and sailed around the coast to London. When he’d been caught, he was put to work. He worked hard and even managed to earn a few pounds for himself. By the time he got off the ship in London, he was ready for the world.
It hadn’t taken long to realize he needed to find shelter. It also hadn’t taken long after that for the local police to realize how young he was and haul him off to the shelter. When he was cleaned up, with his deep auburn hair cut short and his face scrubbed, he was a handsome boy. He was quickly sent out to a foster home. The first of which was a disastrous affair, since they already had two children, both boys, and both uglier than sin. Brenden stuck out like a sore thumb. That had been when he’d learned to fight quickly. Both boys were brawnier than he was, and older by three and four years. That home lasted about six months. He’d finally had it with the two boys and had taken them both on, beating them both up and getting pretty bloody in the process.
After that, he’d gone to another foster home, this time with no other children. He was put to work. He worked harder than he had on the tramp steamer he’d come to London on. He fell in bed exhausted every night. After two and a half years, he was full foot taller, and seventy-five pounds heavier, most of it was lean muscle from lifting, hauling, and doing any other sort of manual labor his foster parents wanted. At fourteen, he left the foster home and never looked back. He lied about his age and started getting any and every kind of job he could find. He’d started working at the pub he met Allexxiss in when he was sixteen and a half. He’d managed to get a fake ID by then, a better one than she had, and the owner hired him.
Allexxiss would return from her morning walk by nine thirty, usually waking Brenden up with soft kisses to his back and shoulders. Most mornings he’d wake up, turning over and pulling her into his arms, kissing her deeply and making love to her. On a few occasions when he was especially tired, he’d pull her back down onto the bed with him, curling up behind her and holding her close as he slept on. He often told her he didn’t sleep near as well when she wasn’t next to him. He’d grown so accustomed to her body next to his, that when she got out of bed in the morning he immediately sensed the loss and slept fitfully until she came back.
The first six months were indeed bliss for them both. Their first fight marked the beginning of the decline of their relationship. Brenden had just gotten home from the bar and as he walked into their darkened room he’d tripped over something. He turned on the hall light to try and see what he’d tripped on. He stood staring at the bassinet for a long time, his mouth agape. It was very obviously expensive, he was almost afraid to ask how much. He walked over to it as if loathe to approach it, and turned the tag over. He swore a blue streak the likes of which Allexxiss had never heard before. She woke to the stream of expletives he was growling.
She sat up in bed, looking at him like he’d gone mad. He turned his fiery blue-green stare on her then.
“You spent twelve hundred pounds?” he asked, his voice coming out with surprising calmness, although Allex easily sensed it was the calm before the storm.
She hesitated answering, knowing now that it was a mistake. She’d never seen Brenden mad before, and she was afraid she was about to see it full force. She nodded slowly by way of a reply. Brenden nodded his head as well, his jaw twitching as he clenched his teeth, his hands balled into fists. It was obvious he was trying desperately to reign in his fury.
“Allex, we don’t have twelve hundred pounds,” he said. His voice sounded calm, but there was a definite edge building.
“I know,” she said quietly. “I got them to give it to me on credit,” she said, biting her lip pensively.
“Credit!” he exploded. “Do you not understand that credit means I not only have to make the fucking twelve hundred pounds but a good six hundred pounds on top of that to pay for this thing? The fucking kid will be in fucking college before I can pay for this!”
Allex cringed at his words as well as the vehemence with which he yelled them. No, she hadn’t thought about that. All she’d thought about was how pretty it was, and how nice it would be for the baby. It had reminded her of the bassinet her mother had kept from her childhood, and it had made her miss home a little bit. When the saleswoman had offered her the option of credit, Allex had seized it, never really thinking about how they’d pay for it in the end.
“It has to go back,” he said, shaking his head. “It has to, I can’t afford this, we can’t afford this.”
He was pacing back and forth, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side. It wasn’t the first time she’d bought something too extravagant, but the other purchases had been small, nothing of the magnitude this was. He was already losing sleep thinking of how he was going to pay for diapers and formula for the baby, let alone any other expenses that came up. But he was determined that their baby wouldn’t be born too soon, or unhealthy. If it took everything he had, this baby would be born healthy and Allex would be safe having it in a good hospital.
That night he slept on the couch in the living room. He wanted to move them to their own place, but he was too busy saving up to compensate for the time off he’d need to take to help with the baby. The next morning he got up early and left the flat. He walked to a nearby shipping company and asked about picking up some extra work. They offered him a late night shift hauling bags of sand and gravel. He grabbed it, knowing he needed to double his efforts. He couldn’t let Allex down. He wouldn’t. She’d come from money; her family raised thoroughbreds in Kentucky, she didn’t know any better. He was determined to give her everything she wanted to make her happy. That next evening he was off and he went back to the flat. He walked into the flat, noticing that it was very quiet.
As he walked into the bedroom, he saw Allexxiss sitting on the bed. She looked very unhappy. He glanced at the bassinet sitting in the farthest corner from the doorway, as if she was trying to remove it from his line of sight. Brenden walked over to the bed, looking down at her. She didn’t even lift her head to look at him. He felt a stab of guilt for the way he’d screamed at her the night before. She really didn’t know any better. All her life her parents had handed her everything. The concept of working for something never entered her mind. She was after all, only a sixteen-year-old girl.
He touched her cheek, and kneeled on the bed. She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with tears.
“Oh babe …” he said remorsefully.
He pulled her into his arms then, hugging her.
“I’m sorry, Lex,” he whispered against her hair. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
She began to cry in earnest, and he felt worse. He held her, rocking her gently until her tears subsided.
“I’m sorry too,” she said, her voice still emotional. “I shouldn’t have bought something so expensive without talking to you first. It was just so pretty,” she said, sounding so young and sweet.
“It is babe, it is,” he agreed, looking over at the bassinet.
“So you like it?” she asked hopefully.
He looked down at her for a long moment, smiling at her. “Yes, I like it.”
“Can we keep it?” she asked, her eyes lighting up like a kid’s eyes at Christmas.
Brenden breathed a deep sigh and nodded. She gave an excited cry and threw her arms around him.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she said over and over again.
Brenden laughed, glad that he’d made her so happy. He still wasn’t sure how he was going to pay for the expensive infant bed, but he knew he’d find a way. For her he’d find a way no matter what it took.
As the days crept closer to Allexxiss’ due date, she became more and more withdrawn. Brenden had taken to staying at work or wherever until almost noon every day. When he got home, he was so tired he was ready to just drop into bed. At first, he tried to stay awake to do things with her, but it was increasingly obvious he was using his energies elsewhere. Allex starting thinking that he was probably screwing around on her. Of course he is, she thought viciously, I look like crap right now and I’m turning into a big fat cow! Those thoughts always made her cry. She’d cry herself to sleep, and when she’d wake the next morning she’d stew on what she’d been thinking the night before. By the time Brenden came through the front door, she’d be in such a bad mood she wouldn’t talk to him. Finally, they settled into a routine of him going straight to sleep when he got home, and her sitting around getting more and more anxious about the birth of the baby.
She’d heard so many nightmare stories about how much it hurt, and how you felt like your insides were being ripped out. She also heard how women still died giving birth. What if she died? What if she couldn’t do it? What if it hurt too much? She worked herself into such a state that she started hyperventilating one day at the market. People around her thought she was going into labor. Someone who knew who she was, ran to get Brenden. He came on the run, and found her sitting on the floor crying hysterically and trying to breathe.
“Okay baby, okay …” he said soothingly, getting down on his knees to take her in his arms.
He smoothed his hands over her back, her hair, brushing away her tears gently. He held her for a long time, rocking her gently, while people in the market looked on.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
She nodded, her face buried against his shirt.
“Okay,” he said, nodding.
Scooping her up in his arms, he moved to stand. If she’d been thinking clearly she would have realized how much stronger he’d become in the last couple of months. If they’d been making love still, she would have seen how defined his chest had become. Hauling bags of gravel and sand was cutting muscles on him he hadn’t used in the last couple of years. Allexxiss didn’t know it, but it was also taking a toll on his health.
He was tired all the time, never getting enough rest. He’d spend hours in their bed alone wondering what was happening to this dream he’d had of their marriage. Every time he tried to touch her, she pulled away. When he tried to talk to her, she just clammed up. She never yelled at him, or accused him of anything she was thinking, so he had no way of knowing what she thought. He never explained where he went after work, not wanting to cause her more stress. Things had become a mess suddenly, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
That day he carried her back to the flat, refusing to put her down, even when she asked him to. After that, he told her he wanted her to stay in bed. He made an appointment with the doctor the next day to have her checked out. She was still a month from her due date, and Brenden was worried that there might be complications.
The doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was causing stress to her body, and that she would be better off resting as much as possible.
“You need to take it easy,” the doctor told her.
Allexxiss nodded, feeling instantly guilty. She always took it easy; Brenden was the one that worked all the time, not her. And here she was being told to take it easy? How much easier could she take it? Comatose she guessed.
The last month of her pregnancy passed with her lying in their bed a lot. Every time she got up, she felt pains. The doctor had warned her to watch for any blood. She did but never saw any. Brenden had taken to sleeping on the couch in the living room so he didn’t crowd her, or so he said.
One morning Allexxiss was shocked when she woke to find him lying next to her. His head was down by her stomach. She felt his hand stroking her stomach gently. She heard him talking, but realized he wasn’t talking to her.
“You need to take it easier on mummy, little one,” he was saying. “She’s having a tough time out here. We want you to be born as healthy as possible, but mummy needs to be able to be okay too, okay? So rest easy, baby, and we’ll just wait to see you when it’s time.”
Allexxiss lay there and felt the baby moving in her stomach. The baby moved right to where Brenden’s head lay, as if sensing him there and migrating toward his voice. Reaching down, she touched his hair, running her hand over it. He sighed, moving himself up on the bed and kissing her for the first time in a long time. He touched her cheek gently, caressing it, and looking down into her eyes.
“I love you, Lex,” he told her, his voice so deep and sincere she had tears in her eyes instantly.
She looked up at him, and knew she needed to ask what she’d been wanting to.
“Where do you go after work all the time, Bren?” she asked softly.
He looked back at her for a long moment, then leaned down to kiss her again. “Nowhere special, babe, just trying to pick up some extra money before our little one comes.”
Allex nodded, but wasn’t totally convinced. She didn’t know what to say, so she snuggled against his neck. He held her to him, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of her against him again.
Two weeks later, she went into labor. Things between them had gotten better after the morning she’d caught him talking to their baby. He’d slept in the bed next to her when he got home, though not before taking a shower every morning. That struck her as strange, but she didn’t question him, not wanting to upset the delicate balance they had going at that point.
She woke up in labor. She knew it was labor because it hurt a lot. Brenden wasn’t home yet, and she worried that he wouldn’t get home soon enough.
At the gravel yard, Brenden was sweating over a particularly large load he was dealing with. Suddenly he felt his whole body grow cold and he knew something was wrong. It was like something in his head screamed his name. Dropping what he was doing, he ran the mile to the flat. He ran up the two flights and threw open the door to the flat, hearing Allex’s scream a moment later. His blood ran cold. Mobilized by shear need to rescue the woman he loved, he ran to the bedroom. She lay there, wet from when her water had broken, and crying hysterically.
Brenden went on autopilot. He moved to the bed, helping her up carefully, and gently removed her wet nightgown. All the while he told her everything would be okay, that he was here now and he’d take care of her.
“I love you, Bren, I love you,” she gasped, holding onto him as he walked her out to the car a few minutes later.
Fortunately, Josh had left the keys to his car while he was gone on a trip to Paris. Brenden had begged him since he didn’t have a car and knew he’d need something to take Allexxiss to the hospital in when the time came.
“I love you too, Lex. Don’t worry, everything will be okay. We’ll get you to the hospital and they can give you something for the pain, okay? It’ll be okay, baby, it will.”
She tried to be brave, and not scream when the pains came one on top of the other, but finally she couldn’t stop herself. She didn’t see Brenden flinch every time she screamed. He was feeling as horrible as one person could feel, putting her through such agony to have his child.
The labor seemed to take forever, and the doctor that was on call wouldn’t give her anything for the pain.
“She may not feel the urge to push when the time comes if she is not feeling the pains,” the doctor told Brenden.
Brenden winced as she screamed again. “You’ve got to be able to do something,” he said, feeling panicked.
“The baby will be born soon, Mr. O’Malley,” the doctor said, then turned and walked away.
Brenden stared after the man, considering going after him and tying his intestines in a knot via his throat. Allexxiss screamed again and Brenden moved to her side.
“Okay baby, only a little longer, then this’ll be over. I’m right here baby, right here,” he chanted over and over to her.
He talked to her for the next four hours, eventually going hoarse. He smoothed her hair back, doing anything and everything he could think of to help her. By the time the baby came she was delirious from the pain, and Brenden was beside himself with worry. There was so much blood when the baby came out, what if she bled to death? He had no idea what was normal. Would this cocky doctor tell him if something was wrong? The one moment that made it all worthwhile was when the doctor handed him his daughter. They’d offered her to Allexxiss, but she was half conscious and shook her head.
Brenden looked down into the tiny perfect face of his daughter and smiled warmly.
“So much for taking it easy on Mommy, huh baby girl?” he said softly, as he touched her gently on the nose.
Tabitha Renee wrapped a tiny hand around her father’s finger, and wound her way around his heart at that very moment. Brenden didn’t think he could ever love anyone more than he did the two women in his life. He leaned over to kiss Allexxiss’ forehead.
“She’s absolutely beautiful Lex, just like you. I love you, I love you so much,” he told her, his voice choked with emotion.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were a blur for Allexxiss. She was weak from the birth, so the hospital kept her for over week. Brenden had taken Tabitha home two days after she was born. She was a big baby, weighing in at eight pounds and eight ounces. Allexxiss had already decided against breastfeeding, so Brenden quickly learned how to give his daughter a bottle whenever she cried for it. He also learned the perils of diaper changes and burping. He never thought two ounces of liquid could seem like so much or smell so bad when it came back up until he spent a week with his newborn daughter. Brenden talked to her constantly, telling her how she really needed to do something about that hair; she was a towheaded blond with barely a dusting of hair that had already started falling out. He tickled her toes and talked to her about anything and everything.
He took her to the hospital every day that Allex was there. Allexxiss had no interest in holding Tabitha, but Brenden assumed it was because she was sore. But when she came home to the flat a week later, she still had no interest in touching her daughter. Brenden didn’t know what to do. He talked to one of the waitresses at the pub who told him to give Allex time, that having a baby was a big trauma for any woman, let alone a sixteen-year-old girl. So Brenden gave her time.
Allexxiss didn’t talk, she just lay in bed all day, either staring at the wall, or sleeping. Brenden finally had to pay Josh’s current girlfriend to keep an eye on Tabitha while he worked. He still had to keep both jobs, so he could make sure Tabitha had everything she needed. Everything always seemed to cost more than he expected.
Brenden would come home from work every day, and pick Tabitha up and cuddle her as soon as he walked through the door. He’d take her into their bedroom and lay down on the bed with Tabitha between himself and Allexxiss, hoping it would spark some kind of reaction from her. Tabitha would occasionally reach out and take ahold of a lock of her mother’s long blond hair. Allex would extricate the child’s hand from her hair. Then she’d turn over, putting her back to them, and pulling her hair in front of her so Tabitha couldn’t get ahold of it again.
Brenden was at a loss. He had no idea what to do. And there was no one he could really ask. When he did ask at the hospital, one of the nurses told him to leave the baby in her care, forcing her to take care of her child. Brenden tried it one time, but once again, while at the pub, he got the cold sensation, and found it necessary to run home to check on Allex and the baby.
Tabitha was lying in her bassinet screaming her head off. From the look on her face she’d been doing it for a good long time. Allex lay on the bed with a pillow over her head, holding it tight over her ears.
“Fuck!” Brenden screamed, feeling anger well up in him that she’d let their daughter cry herself sick instead of doing something.
He scooped Tabitha up and held her to him. She quieted instantly. He turned and looked at Allex, who merely loosened her hold on the pillow. Brenden shook his head, turned and walking out of the room slamming the door. He proceeded to the kitchen where he fixed Tabitha a bottle, fed her, and then let her fall asleep. He lay down on the couch with her on his chest. Josh came in early in the morning to see Brenden lying on the couch with Tabitha sleeping on his chest. He shook his head, knowing his friend had bought more trouble than he could handle with the pretty little blond from America.
It had been two months and Brenden noticed that Allexxiss was losing an excessive amount of weight. She’d returned to near her normal size a week or so after Tabitha’s birth, but she’d continued to lose weight. He had no idea if she got up and ate during the day while he slept or while he was at work. He noticed, though, when he went to try to talk to her again, that her cheeks were hollowing out. That prompted him to touch her torso, and he felt her rib cage.
“Jesus …” he whispered. “Allex, baby?” he said, hoping she’d answer him.
Her eyes moved from the wall to look at him.
“Honey, have you been eating?” he asked, feeling ashamed of himself that he hadn’t thought to check on her before this.
She didn’t say anything but shook her head.
“Okay, I need you to eat baby,” he said, as if talking to Tabitha.
He got up and went into the kitchen and found a can of soup. He heated it up and took it into her with a glass of milk.
“Baby, sit up, you need to eat,” he told her gently.
She didn’t move.
“Allex, get up,” he said, his tone stronger now.
Again, she didn’t move.
“Damnit Allexxiss, get your ass up or I’m going to haul you up and pour this down your throat!” he yelled, feeling frustrated.
She moved slowly, but sat up. He put the milk down on the nightstand and went to hand her the soup, her hands shook when she reached up to take the bowl from him.
“On second thought,” he said, sitting down next to her on the bed.
He proceeded to feed her spoonfuls of soup, getting her to drink some milk in between. After a while, she seemed to be getting tired again, so he stopped. He’d managed to get half a bowl into her, that was at least something. He made a mental note to check on her every day and make sure she ate.
By the end of the second month Tabitha was home, Brenden was taking care of everything. Allexxiss had gotten her strength back, but still didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby. She’d sit up in bed, and even get up and walk a bit, but never touching Tabitha. Brenden didn’t understand it, but he figured she’d eventually warm up to their daughter.
Tabitha flourished under her father’s care, becoming more and more responsive to him. Brenden spent his every waking hour either holding her, or trying to get Allexxiss to respond to her in some way. Allexxiss would sit and watch Tabitha play in her bassinet, but never made any move to pick her up or interact with her. Allexxiss still didn’t talk much, seeming extremely unhappy most of the time. She’d spend hours looking out the window.
Brenden started feeling like she would be better off without him and Tabitha. When he stopped to think about it, he realized he’d taken her away from the only life she’d ever known. She’d never known a hard day’s work, she’d never known barely making ends meet. She wasn’t prepared for motherhood, but who could blame her at sixteen? Almost seventeen he had to remind himself. Her birthday was the following month. He prayed for some kind of miracle that she would suddenly come out of whatever fog she was in and be the Allexxiss he’d married.
That never happened. And in the end, Brenden had to admit defeat. He spent the longest night of his life lying awake making the hardest decision he’d ever made.
The next morning, he dialed her parents’ number with his heart in his throat. The maid answered and went to get Mr. Ramsey. Charles Ramsey picked up the phone a few minutes later.
“Mr. Ramsey,” Brenden began, still feeling like hell, “this is Brenden O’Malley.”
“I know who this is,” Charles said, his tone unfriendly.
“Yes sir,” Brenden said, glancing at Tabitha who was doing her best to crawl but failing miserably. He grinned sadly, praying to God he was doing the right thing.
“Mr. Ramsey, Allexxiss had the baby, a girl, but she hasn’t been the same since then, and I just don’t know what to do. I love her with everything I have, and I can’t handle seeing her so unhappy,” he said miserably, hoping that Charles Ramsey would stay silent, and he did. “So, sir, I think it might be for the best if you came to England and took her home with you. I know now that I was selfish in begging her to stay with me. She wasn’t ready for any of this. I just love her so much, and …” His voice trailed off as he felt his throat constrict with tears. He swallowed against the knot and went on. “Please, sir, it’s for Allex’s benefit, not mine. She needs you.”
Charles Ramsey listened on the other end of the line, feeling supremely vindicated at having the young man tell him what a mistake this whole thing had been.
Charles and Jenae Ramsey were on the next available flight to England. They arrived on Allex’s birthday. Brenden let them into the flat, his face drawn and unhappy. Jenae noticed how thin his cheeks seemed. He was holding the baby, who was sleeping in his arms. He walked Allex’s parents back to the bedroom where Allex lay on the bed. He stood back out of the way, letting them go in. Jenae kneeled on the floor in front of her daughter and touched her face. Allexxiss started crying immediately. Brenden swallowed convulsively at the sound, feeling like his heart was being ripped out at that moment.
In the end, Charles carried Allexxiss out of the flat she’d shared with Brenden for a year. Brenden stood by as she was carried out of his life. He held tight to their daughter, praying over and over again that he was doing the right thing.
He lay in their bed that night, the silence and emptiness of the flat weighing heavily on him. As he lay there he stared straight ahead. That’s when he saw her wedding band, the simple silver band he’d managed to buy her that matched his, laying on the nightstand. He picked it up, clenching his teeth against the cries that wanted to escape his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like his entire world was crumbling around him. The dream of having the woman he loved and their child beside him forever died that night. It was vanquished to some deep dark place in his heart.
Over the next few months, he lavished all his love and attention on Tabitha. Two years after she was born, Brenden made the last payment on the bassinet Allexxiss had bought for the baby she’d never held. The thought kept rolling over in his mind as he stood in line to pay off the bassinet. Tabitha had long since outgrown it, she slept in bed with him every night now. He’d gone back to working only at the pub, needing to be with his daughter more. Over the next six months, he saved every extra penny he had. Then he sold everything he could sell and bought them two tickets to America.
He arrived in Los Angeles with his daughter a month before his twenty-first birthday. Tabitha gripped his hand excitedly.
“Where we go Daddy?” she asked in her tiny voice.
“We’re going to start a new life, baby girl,” he told her.
“A new life?” she echoed.
“Yeah,” he said, bending down to scoop her up in his arms, “we’re going to see what we can see, baby love,” he told her, kissing her on the cheek.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. All Tabitha Renee O’Malley knew was that she loved her daddy more than anything in the whole world!
Los Angeles, 1998
“Uh, Beege …” Devlin began as he walked into the studio one morning just three days before Tabitha was due to return to LA.
“Wot?” BJ asked as he glanced up from the notes he was making.
Devlin grimaced as he handed BJ the New York Post.
The headline of the Entertainment page screamed, “BJ Sparks’s daughter dances the night away!” It featured a picture of Tabitha Sparks dancing with her friends, obviously at a bar. She was wearing a skimpy midriff top, a leather mini skirt, and stiletto heels.
“Are ya fucking kidding me!” BJ screamed as he started to read the article. The article went on to talk about how eighteen-year-old Tabitha Sparks was seen partying things up with her friends at a trendy New York nightclub. “Is Tabitha following in her rock star daddy’s footsteps with his partying ways?”
BJ threw the paper across the studio, jumping up to pace angrily. “How many times to I have to fucking tell her? How many times?” he yelled at no one in particular.
“She’s trying to be independent,” Devlin said, trying to soothe BJ’s temper.
“Yeah, and all this time I’ve been trying to keep her out of the limelight, so people don’t target her! Why do you think I have her use the O’Malley name instead Sparks? Jesus fucking Christ! Did she tell them that? She had to have told them who she was, right?”
“I don’t know Beege …” Devlin said. “Maybe she’s proud to be your daughter,” he said, his tone glowering.
“Fuck you, Dev,” BJ snapped. “You know why I don’t want her in the limelight; people will just judge her and start slandering her. I don’t want her to turn into one of those kids of stars who is hounded constantly and judged. With shit like Kate Moss and Robert Downey Jr and their addictions being publicly displayed for all the world to see, you think I want Tabbie in that mix?”
“I don’t think it’s quite the same thing …” Devlin said, letting his voice trail off as BJ wheeled on him angrily. Devlin held his hands up in a warding off gesture. “I’m just saying, don’t be the first one to judge her, okay? Let her at least explain.”
BJ looked none-too happy as he nodded. “Fine, let’s just get to work, huh?”
“You got it,” Devlin said, stifling a grin.
Devlin was forever defending Tabitha’s need for independence. In fact, he had been the one to talk BJ into letting her have six months in New York after she’d graduated from a private high school. BJ hadn’t been thrilled by the idea, always wanting to keep his daughter close, lest something happen to her. Devlin was always telling him that if he didn’t let the girl have some independence, she’d rebel like these other teens of stars and then he’d have a lot more to deal with.
****
Allexxiss stood stock still, staring openmouthed at the paper on the newsstand.
“Lady?” the man at the counter queried.
She shifted her eyes to him, tearing her eyes away from the headline on the New York Post. Shaking her head, as if to clear it, she reached into her pocket, pulled out two dollars and handed them to the man. She pulled the periodical out of the bin and walked away. She got another block before she had to sit down. She looked at the picture on the front page, reading the headline again. “BJ Sparks’s daughter dances the night away!”
“My God,” she said out loud.
She put her head down on her knees, feeling faint all of a sudden. Brenden still had her. He still had their daughter. She didn’t know what to think, had he kept her all along? Had he given her up for adoption and just reunited with her after she’d become an adult recently?
Allexxiss had always assumed that Brenden gave Tabitha up at the same time as he’d given her up. Her parents had assured her that Brenden had indeed called them, requesting that they come and get her and take her home. It was Allexxiss’ thought that he’d grown bored with playing house and had decided to call it quits. She remembered very little about the time after the baby had been born. She had vague recollections of the baby crying and Brenden being there picking her up. There were scattered thoughts of a sense of a crushing depression, moving as if underwater. Once home, she’d been diagnosed with postpartum. But she had no idea what that entailed in terms of what she’d put Brenden through. She couldn’t remember, and he wasn’t around to ask.
The next year had been a nightmare for her. Trying to cope with the loss of the man she’d loved desperately and the baby she’d labored to give birth to. She didn’t understand why Brenden had sent her away. She ached for the tenderness she’d received from him. There were nights when she’d lay awake and cry hugging a pillow, wanting to imagine his arms around her again. Finally, at the lowest point in her depression, she took an entire bottle of sleeping pills, just wanting to sleep and forget all about him.
That had landed her in the psych ward of Kentucky General. She’d spent another year learning to cope with her depression. Learning to put the past behind her and move on. Learning to hate Brenden James O’Malley. The hate she developed for him allowed her to push his face out of her mind for hours at a time, but as soon as she’d close her eyes at night he was in her dreams again. Finally, she learned that she couldn’t hate him. She had to accept that for whatever reason, he hadn’t loved her the same after the baby had been born. She told herself that maybe it had just been a lot more than he’d expected. That maybe he hadn’t been ready for that much commitment, and had really only been doing the honorable thing in marrying her, since he’d gotten her pregnant. Men lied after all, and he was just barely a man then. At eighteen, he was still really a teenager like her. It was those thoughts that got her through the rest of her time in the hospital.
She’d been getting her life back on track, finally going to college when Sparks’s first album had come out. She had no idea who the band was until one of her friends brought the album to school. Allexxiss had stared at Brenden’s picture for a long moment, feeling her heart being torn out all over again. Then she’d thrown the album down and run for the bathroom, throwing up repeatedly as she cried.
Again, it had taken time to move past things about him. In 1986, he was fast becoming a rock star, and she staunchly refused to either listen to his music, or read any of the articles about him. She wanted nothing to do with him. How dare he not only move on with his life, but to something so public that there was no way she wouldn’t know he had. She began to think that he’d done so on purpose, just to hurt her again with his complete betrayal. That thought made it easier to avoid his image everywhere. Thinking that she was foiling his plan by refusing to pay any attention to his new persona “BJ Sparks.” Her mind skittered quickly past the thought that he’d always told her that they had “sparks.” Was that why he’d taken that name? Another thing to hurt her with?
Years later, she could still feel everything she’d felt about him. Part of her wanted to hate him for this all new betrayal, keeping her daughter from her. Had he kept her a secret on purpose? Or had there been articles about him and his daughter, and in refusing to have anything to do with him, had she missed it? She knew she couldn’t confront him about it, she was terrified to even be in a room with him.
She banged her head against her knees. She was a damned movie star now, why didn’t that help? Brenden O’Malley could still reduce her to a trembling ball of nerves.
“Goddamn it!” she yelled, startling passersby.
It took her an entire day to decide what she wanted to do. She wanted to see her daughter. She wanted to talk to her. Hell, she wanted to meet the girl! She started doing a little bit of research, via her agent. He managed to find out that Tabitha was now going by the name Tabitha O’Malley, but had legally changed her name to Sparks as well a few years before. Tabitha O’Malley had graduated from high school six months previously and was due back in Los Angeles two days later. She also read a follow-up report in the New York Post that said Tabitha would be returning to Los Angeles to work as BJ Sparks’s assistant until she decided what she wanted to do for college.
****
Tabitha Sparks got off the plane in Los Angeles, already knowing that her father was pissed about the article in the paper. She knew that’s why he’d sent his private jet to pick her up. It was his passive aggressive way of saying that he didn’t want Tabitha in the public eye any more than necessary. Her father wasn’t even there to meet her, he’d sent a car. She knew it meant that he was still at the very least annoyed with her.
When the car dropped her off at the studio, Tabitha climbed out, nodding to BJ’s driver and giving him a soft smile. She didn’t want to take it out on him that her father was being unreasonable. She walked inside and headed straight for BJ’s office.
In the end, she had to wait for an hour until he was finished in meetings. When he breezed into his office he glanced over at his daughter and smiled, but the smile was tight and a bit forced. He moved to stand in front of her, sitting back on his desk, his hands at his sides.
“So you’re pissed,” Tabitha said, when he didn’t say anything.
BJ nodded slowly, his eyes on hers.
“About the article,” Tabitha continued.
He nodded again.
Tabitha shrugged. “I can’t help that there are press everywhere, Dad. I also can’t help that they want to report on me because I’m your daughter.”
“You could be a bit more circumspect in your behavior,” BJ replied, his tone somewhat heated.
“What you’re saying is that I could hide under a rock,” Tabitha snapped.
BJ’s eyes narrowed at both her tone and her statement.
“I’ve kept you out of the limelight for a reason, Tabitha. These people will chew you up and spit you out for the smallest thing.”
Tabitha drew in a deep breath, and then nodded. “Okay, I understand, but I really didn’t mean to make you mad, Daddy.”
BJ pressed his lips together in consternation, but then finally pushed off his desk to hold out his arms to her. She stood, gratefully moving into his arms. She knew it wasn’t fair that he was trying to control her life, but she also loved him more than anything, and didn’t want him to be mad at her.
****
Three days after she’d read the story in the Post, Allexxiss used the number she had for Badlands Records. She dialed the number with shaking hands. She asked for Tabitha O’Malley and was transferred to another number. Disappointment was sharp when Tabitha’s voicemail picked up. Allexxiss listened to her daughter’s voice for the first time, and cried the entire time. She hung up before the beep, and called back three more times, just to get acquainted with Tabitha’s voice. Tabitha had no English accent, so did that mean she hadn’t spent much time in England? Finally, on the fifth call, she left a message for Tabitha.
“Good evening Ms. O’Malley,” Allexxiss said, the name sounding strange on her lips. “My name is Allexxiss Ramsey. I need to meet with you regarding an important matter that can’t be discussed in any way but in person. Please call me as soon as possible. Thank you.” She gave her number and hung up the phone, sighing deeply. She hoped Tabitha would call soon. This knot in her stomach was just getting bigger and bigger.
When Tabitha listened to the message a couple of hours later, she was shocked. Of course she knew who Allexxiss Ramsey was, she was a famous movie star. Shrugging, she figured that Ramsey probably wanted BJ to work on a soundtrack or something for her next movie and was calling to appeal to him personally. She wrote down Allexxiss’ information and made a point to call her before she left that office that evening.
Allexxiss’ phone rang four hours later. She was in her car driving home from the studio. As she picked up her phone, she was shocked to see it was Tabitha.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Ramsey?” Tabitha queried, wanting to make sure she hadn’t gotten an assistant or something.
“This is she,” Allexxiss said.
“Ms. Ramsey, this is Tabitha O’Malley, you contacted me regarding a meeting you wanted to set up,” Tabitha said, her tone ever the efficient assistant. “I’m sorry, but Mr. Sparks doesn’t really have any time for the next two months or so, perhaps after the tour we have coming up—”
“Ms. O’Malley,” Allexxiss interrupted gently, “it was you I wanted to meet with, not your father.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Tabitha was trying to figure out why Ramsey would want to meet with her.
“I’m sorry,” Tabitha, confusion clear in her voice, “why would you need to meet with me?”
“It’s important, Ms. O’Malley,” Allex said, not wanting to get into it on the phone.
“I see,” Tabitha said. “May I ask what it’s regarding?”
“It’s about your mother,” Allex blurted out, then rolled her eyes thinking, Great now I sound like some kind of nut.
“My mother?” Tabitha echoed, her brows furrowed in confusion.
What would Ramsey know about her mother?
“Please, Ms. O’Malley, I’d really like to discuss this matter in person,” Allexxiss said persuasively.
There was a long pause, and Allex waited nervously.
“Alright, can you be in the Badlands offices at noon this Thursday?” Tabitha asked.
“Yes,” Allexxiss replied, regardless of what she had going on that day, she’d cancel it. This was too important. “I’ll be there, thank you.”
They hung up, and Tabitha sat staring at the phone. She knew she was going to go crazy waiting, but she was also worried about what this woman was going to tell her. Did she know her mother? Was her mother dead or something horrible? She really wouldn’t want to know if that was the case.
Tabitha was tempted to tell her father about the meeting, but decided against it. She didn’t want to worry him. If she found out something about her mother that would mean something to him, she’d talk to him about it later. She had no idea what Allexxiss Ramsey was going to tell her, so she figured she was better off keeping the meeting to herself for the time being.
She waited on pins and needles for the next three days. Wondering and worrying what Ms. Ramsey was going to say. She couldn’t begin to imagine how a movie star of Ramsey’s caliber would know her mother. Her father had told her that her mother was from Kentucky. Maybe Ramsey came from Kentucky? That thought occurred to her that morning just before the meeting. She didn’t have time to check, but that made her feel a little better. Maybe Ramsey was an old classmate of her mother’s. Hell, maybe it was about a reunion or something, and then Tabitha would have to explain that she didn’t know her mother at all.
She was dutifully working on the schedule for Sparks’s upcoming tour and on the phone with a booking agent for Madison Square Garden when she was buzzed that Ms. Ramsey was here.
“Thanks, Terry,” Tabitha said to the receptionist. “Can you show her into the conference room and I’ll be there in just a few minutes?”
“Sure thing,” Terry said, always happy to help.
It was another ten minutes before Tabitha could get off the phone and get to the conference room.
Allexxiss thanked the young girl that showed her to the conference room. The girl smiled broadly and closed the door softly. Allex was far too nervous to sit down and relax as the girl had suggested. She walked around the room. She noticed the platinum records on the wall and saw they were all for Sparks, at least most of them were. She checked out the album art next, trying desperately not to jump every time she heard a sound in the hallway. Finally, she got engrossed in a particularly ornate album cover, to the point that she didn’t even notice Tabitha until she cleared her throat politely.
Allexxiss turned her head and laid eyes on her daughter in person for the first time in eighteen years. She was struck by how beautiful Tabitha was. The picture in the Post hadn’t been clear enough to show any of Tabitha’s features. The first thing that came to mind was that she had Brenden’s coloring, but in staring at her as she walked forward, she saw that she had Allexxiss’ eye color. She was a mixture of both of them.
“Ms. Ramsey,” Tabitha said, politely extending her hand, “it’s nice to meet you.”
Allexxiss smiled, taking Tabitha’s hand. “It’s very nice to meet you too,” she said, thinking how very true that was.
“Shall we sit down?” Tabitha asked.
“Sure,” Allexxiss said, marveling at how poised Tabitha was.
They sat down at the conference table. Allexxiss sat to the side of the table, Tabitha sat at the head, a good informal distance. That made Allexxiss feel a bit better, at least Tabitha wasn’t going to make this a formal meeting. She still wasn’t sure how she was going to tell Tabitha any of what she wanted to say.
When Allex didn’t speak for a long few minutes, Tabitha leaned forward, her hands down at her side unseen, clasping the seat of her chair.
“You said this was regarding my mother?” Tabitha prompted, desperate to get through this, but eager to know at the same time.
“Yes,” Allexxiss said. “I guess the first thing I need to know is what you know about your mother.”
Tabitha looked surprised by the question. She sat back in her chair, looking pensive. Then she looked back at Allex.
“My father told me that my mother was very young when she became pregnant with me. That she’d been in London on vacation when they’d met, and that in the two weeks she was there she’d gotten pregnant. He told me that they were in love so he asked her to marry him and she accepted. But I guess after I was born, she couldn’t handle it, or me, or something, I don’t know for sure. But in the end she went home to her parents here in the States.”
Allexxiss nodded slowly. Brenden had told her some things.
“She didn’t go home to her parents, they went to England and got her,” Allexxiss said. “And your father called them requesting that they come get her.”
Tabitha’s brows furrowed. “Are you saying that he instigated her leaving?”
“Yes,” Allexxiss answered softly.
Tabitha shook her head slowly. “That doesn’t sound right,” she said. “That doesn’t sound like my father at all.”
“Believe me, Tabitha, that’s what happened,” Allexxiss said, trying to tamp down on her irritation that apparently Brenden had made himself out to be a saint in this.
Tabitha looked back at Allexxiss for a long moment. She narrowed her eyes slightly, much like Brenden did, Allex remembered, when he was suspicious.
“How do you know this, Ms. Ramsey?” she asked, her tone chilly. “Because my mother told you? Maybe she didn’t want to admit leaving her husband and three-month-old baby.”
Allexxiss sucked in her breath at the sharp pain that accusation caused, then her own eyes narrowed. “I happen to know, Tabitha, because I was there. And my parents confirmed that he called them.”
Again Tabitha’s brows furrowed, then they widened as she realized what Allexxiss was saying.
“You’re …” Tabitha began, her voice trailing off as Allexxiss nodded her head.
“Yes, Tabitha,” Allexxiss said. “I’m your mother.”
Tabitha sat back, staring at her openmouthed for a full minute. Allexxiss could see that her mind was processing the information.
“But …” Tabitha said, not continuing.
“But, what?” Allexxiss asked gently, already sorry she’d taken the approach she had; attacking Brenden was not likely to endear her to her daughter.
“Why haven’t you ever contacted me until now?” Tabitha asked, sounding hurt. “And why now?”
Allexxiss looked down, taking a deep breath. “Because, Tabitha, I had no idea until a few days ago that you were still in contact with your father.”
“In contact with?” Tabitha repeated.
“I mean that you two had stayed in contact over the years,” Allexxiss said.
“Stayed in contact?” Tabitha echoed again, shaking her head slowly. “Dad raised me.”
Those three words fell like stones in the room. Allexxiss was stunned.
“Alone?” Allexxiss asked, feeling shocked.
“Yeah,” Tabitha said, “alone. He didn’t really have a choice.”
Allexxiss shook her head, blinking back tears. “I just thought …” she said, sounding lost suddenly. “I mean, I assumed that he’d given you up, like he gave me up.”
“I still don’t believe that he initiated you leaving. He’s always seemed pretty devastated by the whole thing,” Tabitha said.
“My parents didn’t magically appear to take me home, Tabitha, and I know I didn’t call them. They told me he had called them and told them to come and get me. He also didn’t stop them from taking me home,” Allex said, feeling desperate to convince her that she hadn’t left her voluntarily. “Why would I go through having you, Tabitha, if I didn’t want you?”
Tabitha didn’t answer for a long moment. “I don’t know, I don’t know why my father did what he did, but I know that your marriage was very important to him.”
Allexxiss gave Tabitha a sympathetic look. “How do you know that, Tabitha?” she asked gently. “Maybe you’re important to him,” she qualified, “but I can’t believe that our marriage was.” She shook her head sadly.
Tabitha put her left hand on the table between them, her eyes staring directly into her mother’s.
“Look familiar?” Tabitha asked softly, her head nodding toward her hand.
Allexxiss looked down and saw the silver band on Tabitha’s ring finger. It has a tiny rope engraving on either edge, just like …
“Oh my God,” Allexxiss said, “is that?”
“Yes,” Tabitha said, “it’s your wedding band. My father gave it to me when I was six.”
Allexxiss looked surprised, but then shook her head sadly. “That doesn’t prove the marriage was important to him, Tabitha, it only proves that he wanted to give you something of mine.”
“Then why does he still wear his wedding band on his right ring finger?” Tabitha asked.
Allexxiss’ mouth dropped open at hearing that. She had no answer. And Tabitha wasn’t done with her proof.
“Why does he still get depressed as hell every year on what would have been your anniversary? Why do half the songs he writes talk about “the dream” when he told me that you were his dream? Why hasn’t he allowed any other woman to love him, or allowed himself to fall in love with anyone else in the eighteen years since you two were together?”
Allex shook her head slowly, unsure of how to answer, but sure there had to be some reason. He had let her go, he had called her parents, and she knew that. Even if Tabitha didn’t want to believe it.
“How did you find out about me?” Tabitha asked then.
“I,” Allexxiss stammered, her mind still reeling from all the information Tabitha had just rattled off so blithely. “I saw the picture of you in the New York Post. The headline had referred to BJ Sparks’s daughter. I didn’t figure he had another one around the same age.”
Tabitha nodded. “He doesn’t like me telling people who I am. He’s afraid people will try to use me.”
Allex sat back feeling beaten. She couldn’t answer anything that Tabitha was telling her. All she knew was what had happened. She didn’t know why. She hadn’t lived with Tabitha all these years. There was no way she could know what was in Brenden’s mind. She still couldn’t believe that Brenden harbored any deep feelings for her, not when he’d basically kicked her out of his life.
“Haven’t you ever listened to the lyrics of his songs?” Tabitha asked.
Allexxiss shook her head. “I don’t listen to his music.”
“How do you manage that?” Tabitha asked. “You’d have to hide under a rock with ear plugs on not to hear his music, it’s everywhere.”
“I don’t listen to rock music,” Allex qualified.
“He’s crossed over a million times at least,” Tabitha said.
Allex laughed softly. “You sound like his agent.”
“No,” Tabitha said, grinning, “just his biggest fan.”
Allexxiss smiled fondly. For some reason it warmed her heart that Tabitha obviously loved Brenden deeply. It made her feel worse for trying to denigrate him. She really had no right. She’d known Brenden was in Los Angeles all these years. She could have at least contacted him to ask about their daughter, but she’d been too afraid to face him again. Her own fears of rejection and ridicule had kept her from her daughter all these years, not Brenden.
As if he knew he was being talked about, he appeared in the doorway to the conference room. He opened the door, popping his head in, oblivious to the highly pertinent meeting going on. He looked straight at Tabitha, ignoring at first, the other person in the room.
“Tab, I need—” he began, then his gaze fell on Allexxiss.
Her eyes were already on him.
He looked stunned. He stepped inside the door, his eyes fixed on Allex. Their eyes locked.
“Allex …” he said softly, his voice sounding almost reverent.
“Hello Brenden,” she said quietly, her face showing her own hesitation.
Tabitha looked from one to the other, wondering if she should suggest they talk and she leave the room. She saw her father shake his head as if to clear it, then he looked over at her.
“When you’re done through here,” he said briskly, “come see me so I can get some numbers from you.”
Tabitha nodded slowly, as Brenden looked back at Allex for a quick moment, then nodded curtly to her. He turned and walked out closing the door softly. Tabitha glanced over at Allexxiss and saw the flash of pain on her face, as if Brenden had just slapped her. Tabitha grimaced. She didn’t know how to explain it. She knew her father well enough to know he’d just been very affected by Allex’s presence, but he was too proud to show it.
Even as Tabitha thought it, Brenden was standing outside the conference room, leaning against the wall taking slow deep breaths. He felt like knives were being driven into his heart, it had hurt so much to see her. He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing convulsively willing the pain to go away. He pushed off the wall and strode to his office, kicking the door closed and locking it. He walked over to the bar and poured a juice glass full of Jack Daniel’s and drank it down, before pouring another. It took three glasses to take the edge off his pain. He took a fourth glass and sat down at his desk. He turned his chair around to put his feet up on the credenza behind his desk, staring down at the Los Angeles skyline. It was smoggy as usual and it fit his mood perfectly.
Back in the conference room, Tabitha was still searching for words.
“Ms. Ramsey,” she began.
“Please,” Allex said, holding up her hand. “At least call me Allex,” she said, smiling sadly.
“I’m sorry,” Tabitha said, shaking her head miserably. “My father is notorious for his pride, and for his ability to hide his feeling behind a perfect cold mask.”
Allex shook her head. “Then he’s changed a lot since I knew him,” she said. “When we were together, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t say to make me feel loved.” Even as she said the words, Allexxiss felt tears sting the backs of her eyes.
She turned away from Tabitha desperate to spare some of her own pride. She was surprised when Tabitha moved to kneel next to her, reaching out to touch her hand.
“Actually,” Tabitha said softly, “I don’t think he’s changed that much, Allex. He is so different than people think he is, and he goes out of his way to help people.”
Allexxiss nodded, thinking that maybe he’d just shut his heart down all together.
In the end, Allexxiss and Tabitha made a date to have lunch that following Saturday. Allexxiss told Tabitha she wanted to get to know her, that she felt like she’d missed so much and wanted to do as much making up of time as possible. Tabitha assured her she felt the same.
Later that day, she located her father, still in his office. She noted suspiciously that his eyes had a glazed look to them, and she suspected that he’d been drinking. It was for that reason she decided to push him a bit.
“Can I ask you a question?” she asked, watching him light a cigarette.
She noticed his ashtray was already full. So he’d been chain smoking all day too. Strike two, Mr. Sparks, she thought.
“Yeah,” he said, leaning back in his chair putting a boot up on the desk and rocking the chair back and forth.
Yet another sign of agitation for him.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me who my mother is?” she asked him.
He took a long drag off his cigarette, narrowing his eyes at her through the smoke he blew out a few moments later.
“I assume you mean, that she’s a movie star,” he said.
“Well, yeah,” she said.
He shrugged. “Up until she came to town five years ago, I didn’t bother to tell you because what would her name have meant to you?” he said, taking another drag and blowing out the smoke. “When she blew into town, I figured she’d contact us if she wanted to have any association with us, right? It wasn’t like I’d been a hiding out for the last thirteen years, right? If she’d wanted to get ahold of me before that she could have.”
“Okay …” Tabitha said. “But why not tell me who she was then?”
“Well, when she didn’t bother to contact us,” Brenden said, his blue-green eyes reflecting ice, “I didn’t figure telling you would serve any purpose. The last thing I wanted was for you to go hat in hand begging for her attention.”
Tabitha nodded slowly. She was silent for a few minutes, watching her father. He finished his cigarette and lit another one immediately.
“She says that you initiated her leaving England,” Tabitha told him, expecting to surprise him with that information.
“I did,” he answered her simply.
“You did?” she asked.
He nodded, his face drawn and unhappy. “She was miserable, Tab. Before you were born she was unhappy, having come from a life where everything was provided for her. Coming from some grand home in Kentucky, to some bloody hovel in London. I could never give her what her parents had. On top of that, she was pregnant and probably terrified, and there was nothing I could do to ease that fear,” he said, shaking his head miserably. “And after she had you, Tabitha, she wanted nothing to do with you, or me, or life.”
He looked out the window to his side, his lips compressing in his effort to control his emotions. “She wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t move, she wouldn’t even talk to me,” he said, sounding so sad at the memory.
When he looked at Tabitha again, he looked so sad she had tears in her eyes instantly.
“What was I supposed to do? Make her stay there, because I’d condemned her by falling in love with her and getting her pregnant? Make her stay with me? Make her love me still? She was a kid, Tabitha, I should never have been with her,” he said, his tone self-loathing. “But I thank God I was, because she gave me you. But I didn’t think that gave me the right to go on ruining her life too. So, yeah, I called her parents. I told them to come get her, because I thought she had the right to have her life back. Not the slow death I’d condemned her to.”
With that said, he turned his chair around, putting his back to her. She could hear him taking gasping breaths, and she knew he was forcing himself not to cry. The very thought made her cry. She thought about all he’d said, and knew that her mother was very wrong about him. He’d loved her so much that he’d let her go to try and put things right. He said she hadn’t wanted anything to do with him, or with her for that matter. But Allex had asked her, “Why would I go through having you if I didn’t want you?” Tabitha didn’t understand.
She left her father’s office a little while later, walking back to her own.
Later that day the mood in the studio hadn’t improved, in part because of Brenden’s tension over coming face-to-face with Allexxiss. He was tense and angry and everyone in the band could feel it. Unbeknownst to anyone, Devlin was dealing with demons of his own. He was supposed to be working on new material for the album they were working on and he was coming up empty. It was making him crazy. He’d spent the night before trying repeatedly to get something going with his writing, and he’d finally pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniel’s to help him. In the end, he’d gotten drunk and passed out, having come up with nothing.
The tension in the studio was palpable and true to their name, the sparks flew. Tempers flared between Devlin and BJ over a bridge in one of their finished songs. BJ wanted it played one way and Devlin didn’t like it. They ended up screaming at each other and eventually almost coming to blows.
Tabitha heard about it later that day. She knew that Allexxiss coming back into their life was causing her father stress, but she had no idea what was going on with Devlin. She only hoped that she could get onto even footing with her mother and find out what she was missing about Allexxiss and her father.