♫ Three ♫
Tabitha got answers to her questions that Saturday when she had lunch with Allexxiss as planned. They were meeting at a local pizza place. Allex had pulled her long blond hair up into a ponytail and was wearing no makeup, and sunglasses. It seemed to help keep people from noticing her. They also sat far back on the terrace where it was more private.
“Okay,” Tabitha said, “I have a question.”
“Okay,” Allex said nodding as she took a bite of her salad.
“Dad says that after you had me you didn’t want to have anything to do with him or me. Is that true?”
Allexxiss grimaced. “Honestly, Tabitha, I can’t really tell you.”
“What do you mean?” Tabitha asked.
“I mean, I can’t remember much about after you were born,” she said with a sad sigh. “It’s all a blur of images and memories, I’m not even sure which ones are real and which were dreams. When I got back to the States, my parents took me to the doctor to have me checked out. I had lost a huge amount of weight and apparently looked horrible to them. The doctor diagnosed me with postpartum. He said it was severe, and he believed it was because of my age, that it had just hit me harder. My mind was unable to cope with the huge change in my life as well as the change in my body, and so the chemical imbalance caused me to become extremely depressed. That’s probably what your father was referring to. I didn’t realize until you just said that how bad it must have been. I thought I’d at least done some things. I imagined doing things, like holding you, feeding you, all that. So I guess I convinced myself that I had.”
She shook her head. “My God, Brenden must have thought I was the worst mother on the planet, no wonder he didn’t want me around anymore.”
“Actually,” Tabitha said, “he blames himself completely for all of that.”
“Why?” Allexxiss asked, surprised.
Tabitha shrugged. “He said a lot that day in his office. I think he’d been drinking and he was smoking like a train, so I know he was worked up. But basically he said that because he’d ruined your life by falling in love with you, it was his fault things were so awful for you.”
“Ruined my life by falling in love with me?” Allexxiss said incredulously.
“That’s what he said,” Tabitha told her.
Allexxiss shook her head in amazement. “Do you know how many nights I laid awake wishing for just one more night with him?”
Tabitha shook her head slowly.
“There are still nights, twenty years later, when I wake up from a dream that he was there holding me and just want to cry because it was only a dream.”
“Wow …” Tabitha said.
“Yeah,” Allexxiss said, smiling sadly. “Pretty bad, huh?”
“You still care about him,” Tabitha said.
Allexxiss looked at her daughter for a long moment, trying to decide how honest she wanted to be with both Tabitha, and herself, at that moment.
“I still ache every time I hear his name,” she said finally.
Tabitha bit her lip, wincing in empathy for the look on her mother’s face.
They ate in silence for a while. Then Tabitha sat back, looking at her mother.
“I think you two need to talk,” she said.
Allexxiss grimaced, shaking her head. “I think talking to me is about the last thing your father wants to do right now.”
“So?” Tabitha said doggedly. “Mom, the man is still hurting over you; he still wears the ring that tied him to you. Come on, that’s got to mean something!”
Allexxiss sighed. “I don’t know, Tabitha, maybe it’s been too long. Jesus, what am I saying? I’m married for God’s sake. What could I do anyway?”
“I hear they make lawyers for just that kind of thing,” Tabitha said drily, sounding exactly like her father.
“It’s never that easy, Tabitha,” Allex said. “Wait, did you just call me mom?”
“Don’t change the subject,” Tabitha said, grinning.
“You called me Mom,” Allex said, smiling brightly.
“I slipped,” Tabitha said, smiling like a kid who’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
“Well, keep slipping then,” Allex said, laughing, “because for some reason coming from you, Mom sounds really good.”
“Do you have any other kids?” Tabitha asked, realizing she didn’t know.
“No,” Allexxiss said. “You’re my only child.”
“One of a kind,” Tabitha said, smiling.
“Considering who your father is,” Allex said, “that’s a definite yes.”
Tabitha laughed. “So? Will you take a chance and go talk to him?”
Allexxiss sighed, looking up at the sky. “I don’t know, Tabitha. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to face him again.”
“You’re an actress for God’s sake, think of something so outrageous to say that you’ll keep him guessing, so he won’t have time to turn into the ice man again,” Tabitha said.
“I still just don’t know, Tabitha. I mean, his feelings may have changed so much … and being in the business he’s in for so many years, it probably wouldn’t be the same anymore anyway. He’s older, I’m older. I’m still imagining the young carefree man he used to be. And that’s totally different from the seasoned, jaded rock star he is now,” Allexxiss said. “I would hate to ruin my dreams, you know?”
“I can understand that, but at least then you’d know,” Tabitha said.
“Yes, but sometimes it’s better not to know things like this,” Allexxiss said wisely.
“Well, when you decide, let me know,” Tabitha said. “I’d be happy to help you ambush him.”
“Such a sweet child,” Allexxiss said, grinning at her daughter.
“Oh yeah,” Tabitha said, “you should see my bad side.”
“I’m sure I will someday,” Allexxiss said, feeling so happy that she’d made contact with her daughter. Somehow, she felt complete again. The thought struck her, that was exactly how she’d felt when she’d met Brenden.
All weekend Tabitha debated her course of action pertaining to her parents. Finally, on Monday morning she came to a decision. She walked into the sound booth where Fast Lane was using to record their debut album. She waited for Jordan and her band to finish what they were working on then caught Jordan’s attention.
Jordan walked out of the sound booth. “Hi Tabbie, it’s good to see you,” Jordan said, smiling as she hugged Tabitha. “So, what’s up?”
“Jordan, I wanted to see if you were free for lunch,” Tabitha said.
Jordan nodded. “Sure, no problem, what time?”
“Around eleven thirty?” Tabitha asked.
“Sounds good,” Jordan said. “Meet me here?”
“You got it,” Tabitha said, smiling.
Jordan watched as Tabitha walked out of the room. She’d changed since she’d left for New York, she seemed to have grown up a bit. Tabitha wore just the right amount of makeup, and she was dressed business-like, but hip for a young woman. She wore a black beaded choker at her throat that made her look very ‘rock and roll’ to Jordan. The girl was becoming downright gorgeous.
Later that morning Tabitha met up with Jordan and they headed over to a nearby Mexican restaurant for lunch. Tabitha sat fidgeting as they waited for their food.
“So what’s up, Tab?” Jordan asked, sensing that Tabitha was vacillating on something.
“I, uh,” Tabitha began, still not sure how to approach the subject. “I kinda wanted to ask you something, a favor of sorts, but …”
“But?” Jordan prompted.
“But, I don’t know if I’m going to piss my dad off by doing this, or if it’s a good idea at all …”
“Okay, so if you tell me what it’s about, I might be able to help,” Jordan said, smiling. Tabitha still communicated like a kid, even if she looked like she’d matured in the last few months.
“Well, I kind of found out who my mother is the other day.”
Jordan blinked a couple of times, looking stunned by Tabitha’s admission.
“How did you find that out?” Jordan asked carefully, knowing that BJ wouldn’t have told his daughter who her mother was.
“She came to see me,” Tabitha said simply.
Jordan’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Wow.”
“Did you know who she was?” Tabitha asked, her tone bordering on hurt.
Jordan grimaced, her lips twisting in guilt, as she nodded. “But your dad didn’t want you to know.”
Tabitha nodded, knowing her father’s reasoning on the matter. “I know. I just didn’t know who actually knew.”
“I think that circle is pretty small, Tabs,” Jordan assured her.
Tabitha nodded again, looking relieved by that. She didn’t want to be the only one in the world not to know that her mother was the very famous Ramsey.
“So what do you need my help on?” Jordan asked once their food arrived and the server walked away from table, but not before getting Jordan’s autograph.
“I basically need you to tell me if I’m nuts,” Tabitha said.
“For?”
“For wanting to get them together again to talk.”
“Is that what Allexxiss wants?” Jordan asked, surprised.
“She’s still in love with him, Jordie,” Tabitha said, taking Jordan’s hands in hers in her excitement. “And I’ll bet you know that Dad’s still in love with her too.”
Jordan looked considering for a full minute, then finally nodded. “Yeah, but your dad is about as stubborn as they come, he’s not going to go to her. You know that right?”
Tabitha nodded vehemently. “Oh trust me, I know. I’m thinking that if I can convince my mom not to be a big chicken and face my dad again, that maybe they can talk, you know?” Tabitha said hopefully.
Jordan nodded slowly. “You can try it, Tabbie, but don’t be surprised if your stubborn ass father resists.”
“But do you think that it’s a good idea?” Tabitha asked, not wanting to upset her father, but truly hoping for a good outcome.
“Not going to know until you try,” Jordan said.
****
Allexxiss lay in bed, waiting for Max to come home. She was determined to talk to him that night. Things had been going around in her head for days. Ever since the lunch with Tabitha where her daughter had told her the things Brenden had said, Allexxiss kept thinking that maybe she’d been very wrong about all of it. It was a hard thing to realize after eighteen years. That your entire life could have been different if only you’d been less willing to accept things as they were.
If she’d been willing to go back to London and find Brenden, and tell him that she loved him and wanted to try again. If she’d been willing to at least confront her fear of rejection and contact him when she knew he was in the States. But now, now there was a decision to be made, and she was terrified to make it. Did she want to give up her pride this time and challenge Brenden? Was she willing to leave her marriage? Or did she think she could just cheat on Max and get away with it? Not likely, not considering everyone knew who she was and who BJ Sparks was. As it was, a picture had appeared the day after she’d had lunch with Tabitha, talking about who Ramsey was having clandestine lunches with. Jesus! Tabitha was a woman for God’s sake, did they think she was going gay now too? It was ridiculous the things tabloids would go for nowadays!
She wanted to at least talk to Max and let him know about Tabitha. Tell him that she did have a daughter and that her daughter was eighteen years old, and who her father was. Allexxiss was sure that eventually it would get out that Tabitha Sparks was Ramsey and BJ Sparks’s “love child.” And then it would eventually be discovered that BJ Sparks and she had been married way back when. So, she wanted to get ahead of the tabloids with Max. She had no idea how he’d react to reading something like that in the papers. He was very aware of appearances. He was a Spin Doctor when it came to publicity. If he could think of a way to put a positive spin on something, or outwit the tabloids, he’d do so. He’d done it with Allex’s career.
Lexington, Kentucky, 1986
While in college, Allexxiss had decided that she wanted to be an actress. People were always telling her how beautiful and photogenic she was, and that she should be a model. Well, modeling seemed far too superficial to her; if she was going to do something there was going to be a craft to it. She didn’t want her entire life based on outer beauty, it wasn’t what she thought was important. In college she’d taken an acting class, and in acting she discovered an outlet for all the things that weren’t right in her life.
If she wanted to have a good cry, she’d choose a scene for acting class that involved a tragedy. She would have tears streaming down her face at the perfect time. If she needed to laugh and feel happy, she’d pick a character that required her to be happy. A character whose life went right, not so hideously wrong as hers had. She found quickly that she was good at acting. Of course she was, she had learned all her life, after her disastrous trip to England, to act the right way. She’d learned to pretend things didn’t bother her when they were eating her up inside. She’d learned to pretend she liked things she hated. In the end, she’d pretended that marrying Maxwell Putnam was the best thing that ever happened to her.
Maxwell’s family was from New York, and they owned a number of production companies. Maxwell one-upped his father and bought into a movie studio. He’d met Allex when she was twenty-three, whilst at a party with her parents. He’d seen her from across the room, and since he was shopping for a wife at that point, he made a point of garnering an introduction to her. She was beautiful, with her golden-blond hair, very blue eyes, porcelain skin, perfect bone structure, and slim but curvy figure.
When they spoke, she was intelligent and very upfront about her opinions. She was subtle in her disagreement, but she definitely had her own mind. Max decided she would be the perfect accessory for him. That was what he considered women, merely something for men to have on their arm to make them look better. A man with a beautiful wife who was able to hold conversations intelligently, made him look smarter. Max didn’t consider himself a chauvinist since he actually wanted an intelligent woman. What he didn’t understand was that it was one thing to want an intelligent woman, but it was something else to actually respect that woman and treat her as an equal. He didn’t believe that women were equal. He felt they should always know when to defer to a man’s opinion. Allexxiss had seemed wise enough to know that at the time he met her. So he set his sights on her.
Within a year he’d married her. He thought she worshiped him. When in truth, she’d figured she was never going to marry another man for love; it had hurt enough the first time. She married Max thinking that at least she’d have another baby out of this marriage and regain part of what she’d lost when she left London. That had never happened. Unbeknownst to her, Max had no use for children. In his opinion, children were loud, expensive, and rarely worth the “investment of time and money.” So Allex hadn’t achieved the one thing she wanted out of the marriage. She’d considered divorcing Max, but then something had happened to change her mind.
He took her on a trip to Los Angeles. They lived in New York most of the time, but he was considering moving them to Los Angeles. In the four years they’d been married, he’d never taken her on his trips to LA. He’d forgotten her birthday that year, so he decided to take her to Los Angeles so she could shop on Rodeo Drive to make it up to her. Allexxiss was excited and nervous about the trip because it was where Brenden was, and she was just sure fate would be nasty enough to have her run into him.
In the end, however, she’d gotten the acting fever while in Los Angeles. Her husband had introduced her to a few directors at parties. The directors told her how she should be in movies. Remembering how much she’d loved acting in college, she’d decided that perhaps this wouldn’t be such a bad move after all. Before they ever even moved to Los Angeles, Allexxiss was signed to make her first movie.
****
It was almost eleven thirty when Max finally walked into the bedroom. He was used to her being asleep long before he came home from the office. He was very surprised to see her sitting up in bed, with the radio on and a book in her hand.
“What are you doing up?” he asked, sounding more defensive than she thought he should.
“I wanted to talk to you,” she said, putting her book down, “and since I can’t seem to get an appointment with my own husband, I figured I’d just wait up for you.”
“What do you mean, ‘can’t get an appointment with my own husband’?” he asked snidely.
“I mean, your assistant claims you’re all booked up,” Allexxiss replied pointedly.
She had long suspected that Max was screwing his blond assistant. The girl was an idiot, so to Allex’s way of thinking it wasn’t her typing skills Max was keeping her around for. On top of that, “Missy” developed an attitude with her every time she called to talk to Max. She was fairly sure that “Missy” was doing a lot of under the desk duty, and figured that gave her the right to be a bitch to “the wife.” She was lucky Allex didn’t care if her husband screwed the entire world, as long as he didn’t bother her as much for sex.
Max sighed, shaking his head. Missy was getting out of hand these days.
“So what do you want to talk to me about?” he asked, looking bothered already.
“I’ll wait until you’ve changed,” she said, knowing that he had an entire routine he went through once he got home, including his glass of brandy before bed.
She hated the smell of brandy for that reason, because every time he wanted to have sex with her he cuddled up to her and breathed that smell into her face. The sex was less than mediocre, it was downright horrid. She’d given up thinking she’d ever have good sex again. Apparently, no one had ever told Max that women liked to have orgasms during sex too. Either that or he just plain didn’t care. Probably the latter, Allex figured.
“No, just tell me now so I can relax, Allexxiss,” he said, as if speaking to a child.
She looked at him for a long moment, then sighed. She had no idea why she thought he’d actually feel like anything she had to tell him was worthy of his undivided attention.
“Well, it’s about back when I was in London when I was sixteen,” she said.
She saw him grimace, then a look of resolve hardened his features.
“Okay, what about it?” he asked.
“Could you at least sit down?” she asked, feeling annoyed now that she’d even bothered.
Hell, it might have been better for him to find out via the papers.
“Fine,” he said, moving to sit down in the chair across from the bed.
“Anyway,” she said, giving him a sour look, “I know you know that something happened there, that my parents were very displeased about, but I don’t think you know what.”
“They said that you had a very hard time in England, and disgraced yourself and them by getting involved with some bum there, but that they had handled the problem,” he told her, looking like he was feeling deceived suddenly.
“Well, to their way of thinking that was true,” she said, wondering why her parents still held it against her after all this time. “Now I’m telling you what really happened.”
“Okay, tell me,” Max said.
“I met a man there, we got together, and I got pregnant,” she said, rushing through it trying to make it as quick as possible.
“Pregnant?”
“Yes, Max, I had a baby.”
“You actually had the baby?”
“Yes, a girl. In the end, my parents came to get me, and I left him and the baby there in England. I never saw them again.”
“So why are you telling me this now?” Max asked, wanting her to get to the bottom line.
“Because I just found out that he kept her with him,” she said, “and I went and talked to her the other day.”
“You made contact with her?” Max asked, sounding like she’d broken some rule.
“Yes, Max, she’s my daughter,” Allexxiss said, her tone becoming sharp.
“Biologically, yes,” Max pointed out, “but after this many years, what does it matter?”
“It matters to me, Max,” she said.
“Why?” he asked, unable to grasp the concept of children mattering.
“Because …” she said, her voice trailing off as she searched for a way to explain.
She knew that Tabitha was a link to a much happier past. Tabitha was an extension of the love she’d shared with Brenden. But how could she explain that to Max?
“Is this girl going to want money from us?” Max asked, his chief concern coming to bare.
Allexxiss sighed. “No, Max, she doesn’t need money from us,” she said tiredly.
“And you know this how?”
“Because her father has plenty,” she snapped.
“He does? How did that happen? Did your parents pay him off or what?”
Allex looked back at him, her mouth dropping open at how easy it was for him to dismiss anyone else having the ability to make money on their own without help from others. To Max’s way of thinking, if someone was poor, they should stay that way, they had no right to become rich, because it upset the balance.
“No, Max,” she said, her tone acid now, “he wasn’t a slave trader, they didn’t have to buy my freedom from him or anything.”
He looked surprised at her tone of voice, then nodded. “Okay, so if she’s not after money, why contact her?”
“I wanted to, Max, that’s why.”
“What could this girl possibly mean to you after all this time?” Max asked.
“She means a lot to me,” Allex told him, her tone emphatic.
“Fine, fine,” he said, his tone placating, “but why tell me about it? Unless you think I’m going to be her daddy or something,” he said, sounding repulsed by the idea.
“She has a father, Max, and a very good one at that,” Allexxiss said, her voice still angry.
“So why tell me then?” he asked, sounding annoyed that she’d wasted his time.
“Well,” she said, annoyed that she’d wasted her time, “I figured since her father is extremely famous, and I’m famous, it might become an issue.”
“Who’s her father?” Max asked, his tone perking up now.
“BJ Sparks,” she answered, feeling slightly triumphant for some reason.
“The rocker guy?” Max asked.
“Yes,” Allex said, trying to keep from rolling her eyes, “the rocker guy.”
“You dated a loser like that?” Max asked then, his tone derogatory.
“I actually married the loser, Max,” she said, wanting to shock him.
It worked. His mouth dropped open as his eyes practically bugged out of his head. “You married him?” he asked, sounding as if she’d just told him she’d committed murder.
“Yes.”
“So there’s a public record of this?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus, Allexxiss!” he said, making her sound like she’d lost her mind. “Why the hell did you marry him? He had nothing, what difference did it make? Okay so you screwed him, why marry him too?” he asked angrily.
“Maybe because I was in love with him,” Allexxiss answered just as angrily.
“You were in love with a bum.”
“I was in love with a man, Maxwell,” she said condescending.
He rolled his eyes. Allex clenched her hands in fists under the covers. She should have known better than to bother with this. And she definitely knew better than to address the idea of being in love with someone with him. To Max, being in love was a matter of business, not a matter of the heart. You would love anyone you needed to be in business with.
“Fine, so you’re saying that this BJ Sparks could be a problem for us?” Max asked wanting to cut through everything to the point.
“No,” she said, sighing and wishing she could just stop this conversation now. “I’m just saying that if the papers get ahold of the fact that Tabitha is my daughter, they might find out that BJ and I were married. I just wanted to tell you all this before you read it in the paper, okay?”
“Fine.” He shrugged, not too concerned about the whole thing.
What did he care that his wife had some kid by a guy who was ‘a nobody’ way back when? Sure, it might be a problem if the guy wanted something from them, or if the kid did, but they didn’t, so who cared? If nothing else, it would be more free publicity for the studio if Allex’s name was all over the papers again.
Later that night he crawled into bed and said, “Oh, by the way, I’m going to New York next week.”
“When?”
“I’m leaving next Sunday.”
“Okay,” she said turning her back to him.
They lived almost totally separate lives. He would inform her he was going out of town, she’d say okay. She never cared where he was, as long as it didn’t involve her having to go with him. He never took her with him on trips anymore, she suspected because Missy was filling her shoes in that arena, and she never asked to go either. It had been over four years since she’d been back to New York, and she didn’t miss it one bit.
****
During the week following Tabitha’s conversation with Jordan, everyone was surprised to note that Devlin McGregor seemed to have disappeared. Over the course of that week, Brenden became increasingly furious with the guitarist. They were attempting to wrap up work on the album, and trying to finish some songs that still needed Devlin’s input. Devlin hadn’t called in, and he was unreachable by cell phone or land line. He was just gone.
Devlin was indeed hiding out from life. He’d flown home to Chicago, and had gone straight to his ex-girlfriend’s house. Kim was one of the women in a man’s life that never let him go totally. She’d been his girlfriend throughout school, and she’d been the one he’d left when he took off for Los Angeles to become a rock star. After becoming a rock star at twenty, he’d gone back to Chicago a few times just to be with her. It was a destructive, obsessive, physical relationship. She was into more drugs than one person should ever even know about. She fed any addiction a man could have. Devlin had a few, and she gave him whatever he wanted.
He spent hours in her bed, taking out every aggression and angry self-hating thought he had on her body. She enjoyed every minute of it, begging him for more. He hated himself more for doing it, and found solace in a bottle of gin and a haze of pot smoke. When he was good and sedated, she came at him again, obliging him in ways that most hookers wouldn’t even try. He knew he was sinking deeper into a mire from which he might never escape, but part of him didn’t care, didn’t want to care.
After five days, he dragged himself out of his stupor, knowing that if he didn’t go back to LA soon, he wouldn’t have a career to go back to.
Tabitha was in the sound booth, when Devlin walked into the studio. To Devlin’s credit, he was able to act quite well like nothing had changed. He walked in, and went about tuning his guitar and plugging in, while Brenden stood by gaping at him like he was a mad man.
Devlin straightened from having plugged in his amp, catching Brenden’s openmouthed stare. He met Brenden’s stare with a blue-eyed gaze of ice.
“Nice of you to join us, Mr. McGregor,” Brenden said, his voice barely containing his rage.
Tabitha heard it, and moved toward the door to the sound booth.
“Don’t do it,” Bobby warned her, “they need to do this alone.”
Tabitha stopped, turning to lean against the door, watching the scene play out before her.
“Glad to be here,” Devlin replied to Brenden, keeping his voice cool.
“Would it have fucking killed you to at least let me know when you were coming back?” Brenden asked, letting his fury go just a little bit.
“Last time I checked, you’re not my mother,” Devlin replied calmly.
Brenden’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “No, I’m your fucking boss,” he growled.
“No,” Devlin said, his tone a growl as well, “you’re the lead singer of the band I’m in.”
“For now,” Brenden spat.
“You firing me?”
“I should.”
“Fucking try it, Beege, see how far you get.”
“You don’t think I can?” Brenden asked, raising an auburn eyebrow.
“I think I’ve fucking pulled your ass through a lot of shit over the years. Times when you were snorting, smoking, and shooting any fucking drug you could get your hands on and times when you were fucking anything in Los Angeles that moved. And then pulling your ass through a near-fatal car accident where you were so fucking amped on ludes you didn’t even feel your fucking chest being sliced open by a goddamned yield sign. So don’t fucking get preachy with me, Brenden, unless you’d like me to lay out all your little and not so fucking little sins in a nice row for all the fucking world to see.” Devlin’s tone was so low, and so dangerous sounding that Tabitha was shaking just from the intensity of it.
Brenden looked back at the man he’d known for fifteen years, barely recognizing him. Finally, he shook his head slowly, set down the headphones he’d been set to put on when Devlin had walked in, and walked past Devlin and out of the room. Tabitha watched her father go, then looked back at Devlin. He was looking down at his hands that were resting on his guitar. As she watched, he lifted his hands off the guitar and she saw that they shook like leaves in a stiff wind. He was high, she knew it, she’d seen her father high often enough. She was stunned. She didn’t think Devlin did drugs.
To her surprise, his head came up and he looked right at her through the glass of the studio booth. He stared at her for a long moment then, shaking his head, he lowered his eyes again. He threw his guitar aside, the feedback screeching as he did. He turned and walked out. Tabitha had no idea what to do. She was shaking from head to toe. She looked over at Bobby, and even he looked stunned.
By the time she made it out to the parking lot, both men’s cars were gone, and she could still hear squealing tires down on the lower levels. She was betting that was Devlin’s Mercedes barreling down the garage levels. She worried, if he was high, should he be driving?
She hurried to the elevators and got to her office. She sat down at her desk, picked up the phone, and dialed Devlin’s cell phone number. She waited, praying he’d pick up. He didn’t. She left him a message begging him to be careful. Next, she dialed her father’s cell phone. Brenden picked up on the second ring.
“Yeah?” he asked still sounding extremely irritated.
She could hear his music blasting in the background. He’d driven his Lamborghini that day, and she knew how fast he drove it, especially when he was mad.
“Daddy?”
She heard him put his phone on his shoulder, and knew he was reaching to turn down his music.
“What is it, baby?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he said, blowing his breath out in a rush, “I just needed to get out of there.”
“I know.”
“Are you okay?” Brenden asked, knowing that the scene she’d just witnessed between Devlin and him had probably scared her.
It had scared him.
She hesitated. “Yeah, I’m just worried, Daddy, he didn’t seem like himself.”
Brenden narrowed his eyes, hating that his daughter had to witness what had happened, but knowing that she was old enough now to handle things like this. If she wanted to work in this business she’d likely see a lot of it.
“He was high, Tab, that alters people’s personality dramatically sometimes.”
“I know he was high, Daddy. His hands were shaking badly after you left.”
“Is he still there?”
“No,” she said, “he left right after you did. I think he trashed his Les Paul though.”
“He’s driving?” Brenden asked, instantly worried.
“Yeah,” Tabitha said, grimacing. “I tried to call him on his cell, but his voicemail picked up.”
“Shit,” Brenden said, but then shrugged. There wasn’t anything they could do. “He trashed his classic?”
“Yeah, threw it aside like a toy.”
Devlin’s Les Paul Classic was almost a five thousand dollar guitar. It was one of his favorites. That had been one of the most shocking things he’d done that morning. Usually he spent more time with his guitars than he did women. He said they were more reliable than women were. For him to throw one aside so violently meant he wasn’t himself at all.
Brenden sighed on his end. “I’m gonna drive this off. Have Bobby check out the Les Paul. Dev’ll be pissed as hell at himself if he ruined one of his girls.”
“Okay.”
“Tabbie?”
“Yes?”
“It’ll be okay, baby,” he said, trying to assure her.
“I’m scared, Dad.”
“I know, honey, but it’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Okay,” she said softly, feeling tears start.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Be careful, please,” she said, making sure to keep the tears out of her voice.
“I will, baby. I will.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Tabitha.”
They hung up, and Tabitha allowed herself to cry, putting her head down on her desk as she let her tears flow.
She was still crying when Jordan walked into Brenden’s outer office. She’d heard what had happened between BJ and Devlin. Bobby had told her that Tabitha was very upset.
Tabitha looked up at Jordan, tears still sliding down her cheeks. Jordan walked over and leaned in to hug Tabitha. She’d never seen the girl so devastated before. Jordan asked her to tell her what exactly had happened, she did.
“So you’re pretty sure he was high, then?” Jordan asked.
“Oh he was. I know he was, Jordan.”
“If he’s screwing his life up right now, he’s bound to be very defensive.”
“I’ve never seen him go after my father like that, even when they have fought the worst,” she said, shaking her head. “He was vicious, reminding my father of all his mistakes. Devlin’s never been like that.”
“He figures your father has no room to judge him,” Jordan pointed out.
She sighed deeply, nodding. “I know, but God, I’ve never seen him like that.”
Jordan nodded, knowing that between Devlin and Brenden, they’d kept a lot from Tabitha over the years.
Tabitha’s phone rang and she picked it up.
“Yes?” she said into the phone, her voice tremulous.
She listened for a few moments, then breathed a huge sigh of relief.
“Thank you,” she said, hanging up the phone.
“What?” Jordan asked, moving to stand up.
“That was Dad’s security team. They just tracked Devlin to his house, he’s home safe.”
“Good,” Jordan said. She knew that losing Devlin for Tabitha would be tantamount to losing a big brother, or even another father figure.
****
As he pulled into his driveway in Malibu, Devlin knew he’d just gone way over the line in the studio with Brenden. He knew that he’d shocked the hell out of his friend. He also knew that Tabitha had been there to witness his demise as the good decent guy he’d always been. It was one more nail in a long line. It made him feel sick to realize that he’d wanted to hurt them both. Inside he was hurting so much that he wanted to lash out and make someone else feel the pain he was feeling. Hoping to deflect some of the pain he was in, he wanted to see someone else hurt.
In the studio when he’d looked up to see Tabitha staring at him so shocked, he’d seen such devastation in her eyes, and it had hurt him physically. Knowing he was tearing apart the best thing in his life had made him throw the guitar. Yes, he realized he’d just trashed a classic, but he didn’t care, nothing mattered.
He got out of the car and strode into the house, opening the front door and slamming it shut behind him. He grabbed a bottle of gin from his bar and proceeded to drink half its contents in one long gulp. He walked through his house, a house Tabitha had been in hundreds of times in the years he’d known her. Hell, she’d been in his bed a number of times.
Of course, any time she’d been in his bed when he was in it, he’d been fully dressed, or at least wearing sweats and a T-shirt, and she’d been a small girl having crawled into bed with him in the middle of the night. Once, she’d actually nudged a girl out of the way to crawl in beside him. He’d jumped out of bed quickly to throw on sweatpants. Then got back into bed and let her snuggle up next to him to go back to sleep. It had been interesting trying to explain to his girlfriend at the time who this young waif-like creature was, crawling into his bed in the middle of the night. After that, he’d made a point not to have women over when Tabitha was in his home.
All the thoughts swirled around in his head as he waited for the gin to take effect. It didn’t start fast enough, so he took the bottle into his bathroom. He pulled out the bottle of pharmaceutical heroine from his medicine cabinet. He washed a tablet down with the rest of the gin. He walked out onto his balcony leading from his room and looked out over the ocean down below. As he looked down at the rocks, he thought about how painful it would be to land down there if he jumped from the balcony.
Nice morbid thoughts there, Devlin, he thought to himself.
No, killing himself wasn’t an option, he had to stay. He wasn’t sure why, but he needed to. Then it hit him. He’d always had to stay here because of her. He couldn’t leave Tabitha behind, because if Brenden did, she’d be alone. He’d promised her he’d always be there for her. Always.
“Always is a fucking long time,” he growled out loud to no one.
He slept the rest of the day away.
****
Two days after Max left for New York, Allexxiss was relaxing in her bathtub. It had been a long strenuous day. Filming was winding down, but she still had a few scenes she wanted done better. Lately she hadn’t been able to concentrate. It irritated her to realize this inability to concentrate had started when Brenden James O’Malley had seeped back into her life. She wanted to tell herself Brenden wasn’t to blame, but she knew that thoughts about him were intruding constantly. It had only gotten worse since Max had left the Sunday before. He’d expected to leave over the weekend, but hadn’t. It had annoyed her. She wondered remotely if he’d been hoping to catch her at something. She also wondered if it was guilt about all her thoughts and dreams of Brenden that made her think like that.
There was a light knock on the bathroom door. Glancing down, she checked to make sure the bubbles in the tub totally covered her.
“Yes?” she called.
“Ma’am, there’s a Tabitha here to see you,” called the butler in his usual snotty tone.
“Send her up here, please.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the butler said, somehow managing to make that sound disapproving.
It wasn’t like the man approved of anything she did. She’d gotten to the point of not caring.
A few minutes later she heard Tabitha call, “Mom?”
Allexxiss smiled, still getting a strange little thrill every time she heard her daughter call her that.
“In here, Tabbie.”
“Hi,” Tabitha said, walking into the bathroom, “sorry if I interrupted your relaxing time.”
“No problem, hon, what’s going on with you? You look really tired or is it stressed?”
“Probably stressed,” Tabitha said, rolling her eyes as she perched on the raised portion of the tub.
“What’s going on?”
“Oh there’s stuff going on with Devlin and my dad.”
“Like what?” Allexxiss asked, curious about what Tabitha had to deal with at the studio.
“Well, Devlin and Dad got into it the other day and Devlin was really nasty, he really scared me.”
“Devlin is in Bren’s band?”
“Devlin is the lead guitarist, but he’s way more than that.”
“Explain.”
“He’s always kind of been my steady rock when things got rough with Dad …”
“Rough how?” Allex asked. Tabitha pressed her lips together, not wanting to say too much about Brenden’s bouts with depression. Allex easily sensed Tabitha’s hesitation and waved away her previous question. “Okay, so you and Devlin are close.”
“Yeah,” Tabitha said, “he’s kind of a dad, big brother, and best friend all rolled into one. I’ve never seen him so unhinged, and it’s scary.”
Allex nodded, seeing how worried Tabitha was.
“Do you know what’s going on with him?” Allex asked.
“No, no one does, he’s just kind of going off the deep end.”
Allex pressed her lips together in consternation; she was quickly realizing that Tabitha’s life hadn’t always been sunshine and roses, and that even at the tender age of eighteen her daughter was dealing with very adult issues. She was both proud and worried that Tabitha seemed to take everything in stride.
They were both silent for a few long moments, then Tabitha broke the silence with a change in subject.
“Anyway, how’s the movie going?” Tabitha asked.
“Oh, the usual nonsense,” Allexxiss said, laughing softly.
She proceeded to entertain her daughter with stories about the set and the little idiotic fights and pranks people played on each other to keep themselves entertained. Tabitha laughed uproariously at some of the antics, not the least of which included Allexxiss’ co-star Alec Baldwin shrink wrapping one of the trailers of the another actor who he’d been having a prank battle with during the entire picture.
“It took two hours to get all of that stuff cut off the trailer!” Allex said, still laughing.
“That is too funny,” Tabitha said, shaking her head and wiping at the tears she’d cried while laughing so hard.
“The set does have its moments,” Allex said, moving to get up, and reaching for a towel.
Tabitha got up and moved out of the way so Allex could get out of the tub. She sincerely hoped she had her mother’s genes when it came to her body. At thirty-five, Allexxiss still looked fantastic; there wasn’t an ounce of fat on her, and her skin looked smooth and tight.
“Have you thought any more about seeing Dad?” Tabitha asked.
Allex glanced at her as she wrapped a robe around herself.
“I just don’t think I could handle it, Tabitha,” she said, shaking her head.
“Mom, you know you want to see him,” Tabitha said confidently.
“I do, you’re right,” Allexxiss said, “but I just don’t think my ego could take another ice-man act from him.”
“So don’t let him freeze you out like that.”
“How could I stop him, Tabitha? I just don’t have the confidence to face him again.”
“You’re a movie star! He’s a rock star, so what? You’re on equal footing, just go talk to him.”
“I can’t,” Allexxiss said. “I just can’t.”
Tabitha breathed a deep sigh, shaking her head. She knew stubborn when she heard it. She heard it often enough from her father. So she let it go.
“So, what’s the story on this tour, is it just your dad’s band?” Allexxiss asked.
“No, he’s teaming up with Jordan.”
“Jordan Tate?” Allexxiss asked.
“Yeah, Dad discovered her, you know?” Tabitha said, then grimaced, realizing that her mother had likely seen the tabloids about BJ and Jordan being an item.
Allex canted her head. “Why do you make that face?”
“I just thought … well, that you …” Tabitha stammered as she remembered that her mother had told her that she’d avoided any news about BJ.
“That I what?” Allexxiss asked, easily sensing that Tabitha was vacillating about Jordan Tate for whatever reason.
Tabitha sighed, shaking her head, knowing she needed to tell the truth now and regretting the hurt she might cause. “Dad’s dated her off and on for a while now. I was thinking that you probably knew, and that I shouldn’t bring her up, but …”
“But you realized too late that I don’t read up on your dad?” Allexxiss said, realizing what her daughter was worried about.
“Yeah,” Tabitha said, frowning.
“Well, don’t worry, I’ve done a little reading on Mr. Sparks recently and I was aware of Jordan Tate’s relationship with your father.”
“Oh,” Tabitha said, blowing her breath out in a whooshing sound, “okay, good.”
Allexxiss sighed. “Another reason not to go see him. He’s dating them awfully young these days. I couldn’t compete with that if I wanted to.”
“He was seeing her, but he’s not anymore. They’re just friends now,” she said, realizing how that sounded.
“Right,” Allexxiss said, “so were Marilyn and JFK …”
“Seriously, Mom, Jordan is actually really cool.”
“I’m sure she is.”
“You’re jealous.”
“I am not!”
“You’re so jealous you’re practically ready to chew nails right now,” Tabitha said, making an I told you so face.
“Don’t start with me, young woman,” Allexxiss said, narrowing her eyes at her daughter.
“You’re jealous, jealous, jealous,” Tabitha singsonged.
Allexxiss brandished her brush at Tabitha. “Don’t make me spank you, little girl.”
“You just come try it, sister,” Tabitha said, grinning.
“I’m your mother, damnit, have some respect,” Allexxiss said, grinning now too.
“You’re jealous, jealous, jealous!”
Allexxiss lunged at her, and Tabitha screeched running past her into the bedroom and jumped up on the huge bed. Allexxiss ran after her, jumping on the bed too. They wrestled around with Tabitha ending up on Allexxiss’ lap, with Allexxiss whacking her butt with the flat back of her brush. Tabitha laughed harder.
“Too weak to even hurt me,” Tabitha said.
“Brat!” Allexxiss said. “You’re a brat, that’s it. Your father has raised a brat.”
Tabitha sat up, grinning. “Yes, but he also raised me smart enough to recognize jealousy when I see it, and you’re jealous.”
Allexxiss sighed, throwing herself back on her bed, her blond hair fanning out around her.
“Jealous as hell,” Allexxiss said, sounding depressed about that fact.
****
Brenden sat in the semi-darkness of his bedroom. He left his door open, knowing he was alone in the house. Tabitha had wandered by hours before telling him she was going to see “Mom” and maybe grabbing some dinner with Jordan. Of course, he hadn’t really heard much after the utterance of “Mom.” The mere thought of Allex sunk him a little deeper into the depression he’d been fighting off since seeing her again.
In a need to feel like he’d accomplished something, he got up and pulled out the jewel case containing the CD of Sparks’s new album. This was a semi-final cut. He usually listened to the final cut for a few days to see if he liked everything about it, or if he felt it needed any more edits. He already knew there were a couple of spots he wanted Devlin to retake and some spots he wanted to redo on the vocals. There had been plenty of times when the albums had sat for literally a month or two waiting for his final seal of approval, and then another six months in edits because he hadn’t liked what he heard. That was just the way Brenden did things.
Putting the CD into his sound system, he picked up the remote and went back over to his bed. He sat with his back against to the headboard. He raised the remote and hit the play for the CD. A few seconds later music filled the room. He leaned his head back, letting the music flow over him.
Tabitha walked into the house, looked around, and heard the music. She turned, motioning to Allex. Allexxiss got out of the car, and just knew this was a bad idea. She’d let Tabitha talk her into this. It had taken an entire day’s worth of emails and calls to do it, and yet she was still sure she was going to regret it. Walking into Brenden’s home, however, was an experience she wouldn’t soon forget. She stared around her in awe. He had an incredible home. It was hard to fathom that this was the same man who had lived in a shabby flat in London eighteen years earlier.
“Wow,” she said simply.
“Your house is as beautiful,” Tabitha said, surprised by her mother’s apparent amazement.
“Yes, Tabitha,” Allexxiss said, still looking around her, “but I came from money, so having a house like mine isn’t an accomplishment. But for Brenden this is a complete change and it’s incredible.”
Tabitha heard the pride in her mother’s voice and she knew she’d done the right thing in talking her into this. She knew that her father was hurting a lot. In fact, she was fairly sure he was headed into a deep depression. The way he’d reacted seeing Allexxiss the previous week, she knew it was making him wish for other things, another life. Tabitha had a feeling that the one thing that would save him from this depression would be Allexxiss. She also knew that Allexxiss needed to see Brenden and talk to him.
“What is that?” Allexxiss asked.
“What?” Tabitha asked.
“That music,” Allexxiss said.
“That’s Sparks,” Tabitha said, remembering then that her mother had never heard any of her father’s music. “Come on,” she said, taking her mother’s hand and leading her up the stairs and toward Brenden’s suite of rooms.
Allexxiss listened as they got closer; his music was, to say the least, haunting. She felt affected just by it. As she drew closer, he began to sing in the song. She stopped dead in her tracks.
“That’s Brenden singing?” Allexxiss asked, her voice halting.
Tabitha nodded, seeing that her mother was stunned.
Allexxiss leaned against the wall outside his bedroom and listened. His voice was incredible. The tone of it was so rich, very deep in parts, to the point of being a vibration along her nerve endings, other times raised in pitch to the point of a shattering effect. She could feel everything he was saying, and she knew then why he’d won so many Grammys. He was incredible. There was no other way to describe it.
His style was definitely rock driven, with rich guitar riffs, and drum cadences. There was no doubt about his style, but his voice lent such a different quality to the music. Another singer may have yelled into the microphone drowning out the mixture of melodic guitar playing, and synchronized rhythm guitar backing it up. Brenden’s voice seemed to weave around both, blending with it, enhancing the music, rather than playing against it, or over it.
The song changed and Tabitha recognized the one that began next. Glancing around Brenden’s open door, she saw what she expected. Her father sitting on his bed, his eyes closed, his fingers moving in time to the piano in the song, singing with the music. It was a deeply moving ballad that he sang solo. The only accompaniment was a piano. Tabitha pulled Allex forward, pointing to where her father sat.
“Watch and listen,” she whispered to her mother.
Allex froze at first, thinking that Brenden would see her, but she could see that his eyes were closed. She watched his fingers playing an invisible piano and listened to the song. The lyrics talked about having originally started out believing in “the dream,” knowing that he could make it. They talked then about how growing up meant growing out of “the dream” and having to learn to live without it. At one point, his voice raised so many octaves and with so much feeling on the simple word, “Why?” it was impossible not to be affected by it. Allexxiss felt tears sting the backs of her eyelids. The lyrics went on to talk about having waited his entire life for this, and now that he had it, it wasn’t what he thought. The line “Is this all there is? ’Cause I thought there’d be more …” dragged at her. She knew what he meant; it was how she felt a lot of the time too. Her acting didn’t fill the void in her life left by him.
Allex allowed herself to be mesmerized by his voice. It was one more thing to love him for. She could see his dedication to what he was doing; every word emoted on his face. She could see he felt everything he was singing. She felt it too.
“He means that, doesn’t he?” Allexxiss whispered to Tabitha.
“Yeah,” Tabitha answered, “he has meant it a few times.”
Allexxiss looked back at her daughter for a long moment then nodded. She needed to do this. She took a deep breath and walked into his bedroom. She stood there as the song faded and when the last note had finished, she spoke.
“Brenden?” she said softly.
His eyes opened, then widened as he saw her standing there. He stared at her as if trying to decide if she was real or not. Her lips parted, wanting to say something but afraid to. She was trembling from head to toe. She had no idea what she’d do if he told her to get out. With that in mind, she shook her head slowly, as if telling him not to say anything. They stared at each other for a full minute, neither of them speaking.
Brenden couldn’t think of anything to say. His mind was still on the song he’d just finished, and to hear her voice and open his eyes to see her standing there was unreal. He was sure he was dreaming. He put his hand out to her.
“Come here,” he whispered.
Without hesitation, she walked over to the bed and sat down. His hand reached out to touch her cheek, as if reassuring himself she was real. Then his hand slid behind her neck and he pulled her to him. She put her face to his neck, her arms winding around him in near desperation. He hugged her close, holding her tight. She took gasping breaths as she did her best not to cry. It felt so good to be held by him again. It felt like she’d just come home. That thought made the tears start and he tightened his hold.
“Shhh, don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry,” he said softly against her hair.
Allexxiss held onto him, willing herself to stop crying. Eventually she just lay against him, reveling in his warmth and embrace. She felt his hands stroking her hair, just as he had eighteen years before whenever she was upset.
Brenden had his eyes squeezed shut, praying he wouldn’t wake up from this dream and she’d be gone. He opened them to see Tabitha standing in the doorway. Their eyes connected and she smiled happily with tears in her eyes. He nodded to her looking so deeply fulfilled that Tabitha felt like her heart would burst. She’d never seen such a look on his face before. She closed his bedroom door quietly and walked down the hall
Allexxiss and Brenden lay together for a long time, just absorbing the feel of being together again. Neither of them wanted to speak for a long while. At one point Allex lifted her head looking up at him. He had his eyes closed and when he opened them, their eyes connected. Like a magnet drawing them together, his head moved toward hers. His lips touched hers and there was no stopping the fire that ignited. She tried to pull back, simply because she knew this was crazy, but his hand buried in her long hair held her to him. Before she could think to do anything, her body was responding to the strength of his kiss. Moaning softly in her throat, she gave in, wrapping her arms around him.
They kissed for what seemed like hours, his lips coaxing gasps and moans from her. His hands caressed her reverently, making her writhe. Her skin became so heated, she was sure she was going to burst into flames. As if he knew what she was thinking, he pulled her shirt off her, his hands touching her bare skin.
“Oh God, Bren …” she moaned against his neck.
Her excitement only incited him more. His lips left hers as he kissed down her neck, with her hands laced through his hair. He kissed all the way down to her breasts, then paused. Her hands grasped at him, begging him to continue. His hands glided over her skin, down her torso to her shorts. He pushed them down, his mouth hovering over her skin. Allexxiss was beside herself and she cried out when his mouth closed over her nipple and his fingers slid up her inner thigh touching her with such confidence.
“Bren, Bren,” she chanted in a passionate whisper.
Within minutes, he was bringing her to release. She cried out over and over, her hands in his hair. Just as her body subsided, he moved up and over her, sliding his body inside hers. She moaned loudly, grasping his shoulders as they both discovered she still fit tightly around him, like she’d been made for him. That thought made Brenden feel better than anything she could say to him. She was still his. She still belonged to him. No one was for her what he was, no one else ever would be.
He made love to her, taking them both to overwhelming heights of passion, then bringing them both back down again. His lips moved over hers sensually, reminding her constantly of the loving, intense man that he had been years before.
Afterwards they lay together, neither of them speaking. They just enjoyed the moment of completeness between them. Allexxiss was the one to break the reverie. She looked up at him and reached out to touch his cheek before she spoke.
“Let’s get something straight, Brenden,” she said, keeping her voice soft purposely. “You didn’t ruin my life, until you kicked me out of yours.”
He looked down at her, then nodded slowly. He kissed her forehead, his hand holding the back of her head.
“I’m sorry,” he said against her skin. He shook his head. “Allex, deciding to call your parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But you were dying Allex, I could see it.” He closed his eyes. “And knowing that I caused it …” he said swallowing convulsively.
“But you didn’t, Bren, it was postpartum. I found that out when I got back to the States. It wasn’t your fault at all,” she said, caressing his cheek, her eyes searching his. “I didn’t even remember any of that time, until Tabitha told me what you’d said about it.” She shook her head sadly. “God, Brenden it must have been so awful for you, I’m so sorry you went through all that.”
“I didn’t mind doing it, Lex, I just wanted you to be okay. After three months though, you’d lost so much weight, I was terrified. I was just trying to hold everything together, and I felt like I was going to lose you either way. I figured at least with your parents you’d go back to having the life you’d been born to, ya know?” He was pleading for her to tell him he’d done the right thing.
She looked up at him for a long moment. “All this time, I’d convinced myself that you had become bored with me, that you didn’t want me or Tabitha anymore,” she said, her tone self-castigating. “And here you were killing yourself to try to take care of both of us the best way you could. I’m so sorry, Brenden, for everything.”
“Don’t be,” he said, his tone becoming stronger. “You gave me Tabitha, and without her, I never would have made it this far.”
Allexxiss smiled. “I’ve been brushing up on my magazine reading,” she said, “and I’ve seen how often you mention your daughter. Even telling one magazine that she’s your entire world.”
“She has been,” Brenden said. “She was what I had left of you.”
Allexxiss smiled sadly, tears misting her eyes. She couldn’t believe she’d ever thought he didn’t love her.
“I just heard you sing for the first time.”
“Hadn’t heard me before this?”
“Uh, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t read anything about you, listen to your music, or watch the tabloid TV shows that talked about you incessantly, none of that.”
He nodded, giving her a pointed look. “Funny, I’ve seen all your movies.”
“You have?” she asked, biting her lip and smiling happily.
“Oh yeah,” he said, nodding, “besides the fact that your daughter is a bit of a fan of yours, I wanted to see you again.”
“Explain this to me, if you still wanted me so much, why didn’t you ever try to contact me?”
He looked back at her for a long moment, realizing this was bothering her a lot. She really had convinced herself that he never really loved her.
“Allex, I’d given you up, gotten out of your life, so you could get your life back. All that suffering on both our parts and our daughter’s would have been for nothing if I’d just given in and gone hunting for you again. I couldn’t do that to any of us.”
She nodded understandingly. He had no idea what her life had become after she’d left England. She didn’t know if it was even fair to tell him. It would probably make him feel worse. It was bad enough he felt responsible for ruining her life in the first place. Him almost being the cause of her taking her own life would be too much. So she kept that silent.
They talked long into the night, discussing things that were going on in their lives. He lay next to her, his arms wrapped around her, his fingers stroking her skin. Quite often during the conversation he’d lean in and kiss her cheek, her temple, her lips, or whatever he was closest to at the time. Allex reveled in it. She remembered quite well, this side of Brenden James O’Malley. It was what had made her fall so deeply in love with him. He was always so expressive. If he felt something, he showed you, one way or another. Sometimes with a kiss, other times with words, other times with an action, or a note.
“So,” he said, at one point, “what about this guy you’re married to?”
Allex looked back at him for a moment. His tone had been very conversational, but she could sense his tension.
“Max,” she said, supplying his name. She shrugged. “I’m not in love with him,” she said, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t let myself love anyone like I loved you. It was too hard, you know?”
He nodded, his eyes narrowing slightly.
“So why did you marry him?”
“Honestly, because I thought that at least if I could have another baby, maybe I could get back some of what I lost with losing you and Tabitha.”
He looked at her, surprise evident on his face.
“You have another child?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I found out way too late that Max doesn’t want any kids.”
“Why not?”
“They’re a financial burden,” she said, making a face.
“Ah.”
“In fact, he was more freaked about the idea of Tabitha wanting money from us, than the fact that I had an eighteen-year-old daughter.”
“He didn’t know you had a daughter?”
“No. Most people don’t know,” she said, frowning. “My parents didn’t tell anyone, they just made it sound like I’d screwed up badly in England. That was it.”
He shook his head slowly.
“What did you tell them when you called them?”
“Who?” he asked. “Oh, your parents?”
“Yes.”
“I told them that I thought maybe your father had been right, that I had been wrong to beg you to stay with me, and that although I loved you very much, I couldn’t handle seeing you the way you were, and that you were very unhappy.”
Allexxiss nodded, smiling ruefully. “Well they kept part of the truth, anyway.”
“What did they tell you?” he asked, his tone suspicious.
“My father said that you told him you just couldn’t handle me anymore and that they should just come to England and retrieve me,” she said, rushing through the hurtful words as quick as she could.
“Bastard,” Brenden said viciously, “how could he do that to you? Jesus, I know he hated my guts, but to hurt you like that? Why? What was the point in that?”
“The point was so I realized how foolish I was to ever go against their wishes. That way, I never repeated such a folly again,” she said, looking disgusted.
“And did they win?” he asked expectantly.
She looked at him for a long moment. “I guess in a lot of ways they did. I never tried to contact you because of what they told me, and because of what I came to believe. I should have trusted my heart,” she said sadly, shaking her head.
He leaned down, kissing her lips softly, his hand drawing her closer to him. He continued to kiss her until she forgot her sad thoughts and could think of nothing but him. They made love again, and fell asleep with their bodies still intertwined.