♪ Four ♪
Brenden woke the next morning, part of him praying he’d open his eyes and Allex would still be the woman in his arms. So many times he’d dreamed he was lying with her again, back in the flat in London, but he’d wake to find Jordan or some other woman in his arms. It always created a crashing disappointment and half the time was what led to the depression. He felt a hand on his cheek, and willed himself to open his eyes.
When he opened his eyes, he was staring into her beautiful blue eyes. The feeling it created propelled him to kiss her deeply, his overwhelming joy at finding her there finally taking over for a few minutes. When their lips parted, she smiled at him.
“Good morning to you too,” she said blithely.
Brenden chuckled. “You just have no idea how often I’ve longed to wake up this way,” he said, his eyes staring down into hers.
Allex was reminded of how straightforward he always was with his emotions. There was no having to guess how Brenden O’Malley felt about you, or anything for that matter. Ask him, he’ll tell you.
“The funny thing is, Bren,” she said, smiling softly, “I was lying here thinking the same thing before you woke up.” She shook her head, sighing. “I dreamed of you so often, there were times when I didn’t want to wake up because I didn’t want to leave your arms in my dreams.”
“So don’t leave them,” he said softly, his lips near hers again, his hand caressing her cheek.
She didn’t have a chance to respond, which was a good thing since she had no idea how to respond. He kissed her and a moment later the phone rang. He ignored it at first, continuing to kiss her. Finally it was obvious whoever was calling wasn’t giving up. He gave a growl of annoyance and reached behind him to pick up the phone.
“’Lo,” he said into the phone, his eyes going back to Allex.
She watched him.
“Daddy, it’s me,” Tabitha said on the other end of the line. “I hate to do this but I need you to come down to the office, we have an issue with the first tour date and I need you to help me get resolved. I’m really sorry … Is Mom still there?”
Brenden began to chuckle, which easily answered Tabitha’s question.
“Will she wait?” Tabitha asked then, a smile in her voice.
“You’d better hope so,” Brenden said, winking at Allex.
At the studio, Brenden noticed, to his annoyance, that Devlin was once again not where he was supposed to be. They needed to be working on final pieces for the album. Devlin had the biggest chunk of work to do and he was still out.
“Any word on Devlin?” BJ asked Tabitha as he walked into his office.
“No,” Tabitha said, shaking her head sadly.
BJ’s lips twitched in irritation, but he wasn’t willing to deal with that problem now. He had Allex waiting at home for him, and he wanted to get back there before she decided to leave. The last thing he wanted to handle was his MIA guitarist. He sat down at his desk and went about trying to smooth out the arrangements that were causing Tabitha such a headache.
Two hours later, Brenden arrived back home. As he walked into his house, he heard music upstairs. He grinned as he recognized one of his early albums. He walked upstairs, heading for his bedroom. Sneaking a peek around the door he saw her sitting in the middle of his bed, her eyes closed moving her head to the music.
He walked in as quietly as possible and leaned down to kiss her neck, making her jump. She laughed when she saw it was him.
“Damn, you caught me,” she said, grinning.
“Uh-huh, checking up on me, eh?” he asked, moving to lie on the bed in front of her.
“I took the liberty of bugging your staff and asking where the rest of your CDs were kept. They were very helpful.”
“They’re like that for pretty women,” he said, winking at her.
“Oh, I see,” she said, grinning.
She put her hand on his stomach, her look serious. “You are an amazing artist, Bren, I have to tell you that,” she said sincerely.
He stared back up at her, putting his hand over hers on his stomach. “That’s better than any Grammy I’ve ever won,” he said.
“What?” she asked.
“Hearing you tell me that,” he said. “You have no idea how many of these songs I wrote with you in mind. So many …”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “Tabitha told me your secret.”
“My secret?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, smiling sadly, “that every time you refer to ‘the dream’ in your songs you’re talking about me.”
He nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. “So she ratted me out, did she?”
“Oh yeah,” Allexxiss said, “but she was doing it for a good cause.”
“What cause was that?” he asked.
“To convince me that I had indeed meant a great deal to you, and that you loved me,” she said softly.
He sat up, his eyes staring into hers. “That I still do,” he said softly.
Allexxiss stared back at him for a long moment, unable to find her breath, let alone anything to respond with. Her lips trembled. Brenden saw it, and he knew that she was torn. He knew he should push, to get her to commit to him again, but he didn’t have the heart. He’d done that to her before, and he wasn’t going to make that same mistake again.
To save her from answering, he leaned in, kissing her softly at first. Her arms wound around his neck, and he took that as his cue to deepen the kiss. She didn’t want to talk, she wanted to be with him, but she didn’t want to deal with any of the major issues. He’d accept that for now, but not forever.
He made love to her again, bringing her to dizzying heights, as he brought them both to release, he whispered fervently against her ear.
“You belong to me, Lex. You will always belong to me … no matter whose ring you wear … You were made for me … and I was made for you. You’re mine.”
“Yes, God, Bren, yes …” she moaned against him, knowing he was right, but she didn’t know how they were going to proceed in this relationship.
Afterwards, they didn’t discuss what he’d said, or her response. He lay holding her close to him stroking her skin. She touched the wedding band on his right ring finger. He glanced down, seeing her finger rubbing over the metal.
“I moved it,” he said softly, “but I couldn’t bring myself to take it off totally.”
She nodded, moving her head to nuzzle his neck, kissing his skin. He sighed happily. He knew eventually the world would invade their lives again, but in that moment, he was feeling extremely sated and happy. Reveling in it was all he could do.
They were silent for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts. He spoke first breaking the silence. “How long is he gone for?”
She glanced up at him, wondering if he was irritated but he didn’t look it.
“Until next Monday.”
“Does he call you at the house?”
“No, on my cell … why?”
“Stay with me this week,” he said, his lips against her hair.
“Bren …” she began, thinking of all the things she was supposed to do this week. He was asking for four days, it was only Thursday.
“Lex,” he said, his tone deep and soulful, “stay with me.”
“But …”
“Stay,” he interrupted, kissing her temple, “please?”
She sighed. “I’m sure you have things you have to do this week, don’t you?” she asked, wanting to remind him of his responsibilities too.
In answer to that, he reached over and pressed the intercom button. A young man’s voice came on the line.
“Yes, sir?” the young man asked.
“Andy, I need you to clear my schedule for the next four days,” he said, glancing at Allex to see her pale.
There was shocked silence for a moment. “Everything, sir?” Andy practically squeaked.
“Everything, Andy.”
“You have a pre-tour meeting with—”
“Everything, Andy,” Brenden repeated.
“Yes sir,” Andy said, obviously dreading having to do just that.
“Thanks,” Brenden said, winking at Allexxiss.
He let go of the intercom button and slid his arm back around her, pulling her close again.
“And you think it’s that easy for me?”
He raised an eyebrow at her. “You want me to call him back and have him list all the things I had going this week?”
“No,” she said, making a face, “but Bren …”
“Four days, Allex, it’s not too much to ask.”
She stared back at him for a long moment. It was a lot to ask, but she could see that he was committed to the idea.
“You know you want to,” he said, grinning, “just give in and be bad for a change.”
After a moment, she shook her head. She reached over him and down to the floor for her cell phone.
“What is it about you that makes me lose all concept of responsibility?” she asked, as she dialed her assistant’s number.
“Hi, Tammy,” she said, giving Brenden a foul look, as he grinned triumphantly. “Look, I need a really big favor,” she said, her tone it’s most convincing. “I need you to clear my calendar for the next four days.” She winced as the other person obviously came unhinged. “No, no, everything’s fine, I just … I need some time for me, and, well, I just … please Tammy?” She listened to the other person, biting her lip, just like Tabitha did when she was unsure. Finally she smiled brilliantly. “Just for that, I’ll make sure you get a raise this year and a really big Christmas bonus.”
She hung up a few minutes later, giving Brenden a so there look.
“Happy?” she asked haughtily.
He pulled her down to him, kissing her again. “Not as happy as I’m going to make you over the next four days,” he said, confidently.
She laughed as he started kissing her neck, his hands pulling her to him.
“You’re just going to wear me out, is all,” she said, smiling all the same.
They spent the next four days thoroughly enjoying each other and getting reacquainted. Late on their second night together, she told him about what had happened to her once she got back to the States. As she had thought, he blamed himself to begin with.
“Brenden,” she said, snuggling closer to him. They were lying on the couch in his den. She leaned her head in kissing his shoulder. “You didn’t cause it, the postpartum and the loneliness did that. You can’t control everything. You did the very best you could at the time. And you raised our daughter to be a beautiful, confident, intelligent young woman.”
“We could have raised her together,” he said softly.
“That wasn’t how things were meant to go for us, Bren,” she said, softly. “I think things were meant to be this way for us. Now we’re on a level playing field. You’re successful, you have everything you ever wanted, now you don’t feel like you’re the pauper, while I’m the untouchable princess,”
“Yeah,” he said, grinning, “just the married princess.”
She rolled her eyes, dropping her head against his chest. “You can’t expect fate to be perfect, Brenden James,” she said, laughing softly.
“She could screw up a little less often,” he said, making a face.
“True,” Allexxiss agreed.
By this time, she’d told him about Max’s philandering with his assistant and God knew who else. Brenden’s response had been, “Good then you won’t have the guilts with screwing around with me, right?” She’d shaken her head, rolling her eyes at his logic.
The third morning they were together, Allex woke to an empty bed. She sat up, looking around and listening for him. She didn’t hear anything. She glanced at the clock; it was seven o’clock, still pretty early.
She saw a dark blue bathrobe lying on the end of his bed. It wasn’t there the night before, so she assumed he must have put it there. She put it on. It was huge, but she tied it tight around her waist and then walked out of the bedroom.
It took some searching, but she located him sitting at a computer in an office at the other end of the house. He was wearing headphones, his head moving to the music that he was obviously listening to. As she walked in, he glanced up and winked at her. She smiled back at him and sat down on the black leather armchair next to his desk. Looking at the screen, she saw something that resembled an equalizer. He was adjusting levers using the mouse and keyboard. She watched, fascinated. At one point, he pulled up another program and typed in a number of commands. It brought up the graphic of what looked like a stage. He tapped on the keys, changing lights and moving things around.
After a while, she tucked her legs up under her on the chair, and put her chin down on the arm as she watched him. He glanced over at her a few times, but for the most part concentrated on what he was doing. By the time he saved what he’d done, Allex was dying to ask what he was doing.
“What is that?” she blurted out as soon as he’d taken the headphones off.
He grinned, surprised at how patient she’d been.
“C’mere,” he said, holding his hand out to her.
She took his hand and he pulled her onto his lap. As he put his arms around her, he unplugged the headphones from the computer. Then he ran the program.
The screen went black, then a line appeared, and out of that line grew the framework for the stage. Piece by piece the stage was built on the screen. Lights were placed, turning on and off as if being tested. Then little nodules were inserted in two places. Before she could ask what they were, she saw what looked like tiny mirrors being placed. The next thing she saw were laser beams reflecting off each of the mirrors, bouncing everywhere and then tuning in to create a kaleidoscope above the stage. Allex watched fascinated.
“That,” he said as the stage once again lit up, as if for a show, “is the stage design for the tour we’re getting ready for.”
She turned to look at him, her eyes wide in amazement.
“You designed this yourself?” she asked.
He nodded. “I like to know what I’m going to be standing on,”
“Yeah but …” she said, shaking her head in wonder as she looked back at the simulated stage. “Wow,” was all she could think of to say.
Brenden grinned. “Didn’t think I had it in me?”
“I don’t seem to know what to expect from you, Mr. Sparks,” she said, turning around to face him.
He put his arms around her, one hand at her back, the other at the base of her neck. He kissed her lips hungrily and she responded instantly. His lips left hers, trailing down her neck, and she closed her eyes, leaning back to give him open access to her neck. She felt his hands part the robe, and his lips trail down her skin. Shuddering at the feel of his lips closing over one nipple, she put her hands in his thick hair, holding his head there. She cried out in surprise and excitement as his teeth bit her just slightly, then he slid his tongue over her nipple again. She held his head, her hands pulling at his hair, willing him to continue.
To her surprise, he lifted her off his lap, and sat her on the desk in front of him, pushing the flat panel monitor back. He untied the robe and parted the sides of the material. His hands smoothed over her skin, almost reverently, as his mouth grazed over her nipples again, his hands doing a lot of damage of their own to her self-control.
She literally stopped breathing when he went down to his knees in front of her, parting her legs. She was sure she was going to go up in flames right then and there. She was also sure her subsequent screams of pleasure could be heard throughout the house.
Afterwards he pulled her back onto his lap, kissing her deeply. She kissed him back, still trembling from the orgasm he’d just given her. Slowly but surely she gained her breath again, and then she made a point of repaying him in kind for what he’d just done to her. She was thrilled when his hands grasped at her, pulling her up to lift her and slide her down on him. The excitement of making him that crazy had her reaching her climax with him once again. He was an exciting lover, there was no doubt about that. Things could get interesting she thought as she lay against him listening to his heartbeat, still sitting in his office chair.
By the time Sunday night came, he was already talking her into staying the night.
“Brenden!” she said, trying to get out of bed. He kept kissing her every time she tried, distracting her and keeping her there longer.
“You may as well just stay,” he told her, glancing at the clock. “It’s already ten.”
“Jesus! Brenden James O’Malley, you are an evil fiend of a man!” she said, trying once more to get out of bed.
He moved down her body, kissing her skin, touching her, caressing her.
“God … Bren …” she said, halfway between a moan and a sigh.
“Do you realize that no one else is allowed to call me Bren?”
She looked down at him, innately pleased by that for some reason.
“Do you realize that no one else ever calls me Lex but you?”
He moved back up to kiss her lips deeply. He slid his tongue over her lips to part them, sliding it inside, to move sensually over hers.
“Stay the night, Lex, please,” he said, against her lips.
She knew she was lost already. She never could keep her wits about her when he kissed her like that. The man was beyond dangerous with his incredibly fit body, and sensuality to rival any sex symbol, Don Juan, or player supreme alive.
“God, you’ve got me so addicted to you again, Bren …” she murmured against his neck as he slid his body inside hers again.
“That’s exactly where I want you,” he said, his voice deep and husky.
She gave in, enjoying him again and again that night. Neither of them slept at all. She finally left at nine the next morning, going home and sleeping the entire day. Later that night, she lay in bed next to Max, missing Brenden so much she felt like dying. She knew she needed to find a way to be with him. She had to.
****
Devlin sat on a bench staring out at the ocean. His sunglasses hid his usually bright blue eyes effectively. He was wearing faded jeans, gray leather boots, and a gray T-shirt with a white shirt over it. His shoulder length sandy-brown hair blew in the breeze as he cupped his hand in front of his lighter, lighting his fourth cigarette in the past fifteen minutes. He looked like the consummate rock star. Relaxed, smoking, with his shades on; nothing on the outside gave away the turmoil inside, save for the shaking of his hands when he wasn’t careful to control it.
Tabitha watched him looking pained. She could see a change in him. He’d lost weight, his hands were shaking, and he was smoking like a train. Devlin only smoked when he was on edge, otherwise his consumption had always been light, compared to Brenden.
“So, you asked to meet,” he said, his tone mildly irritated. “What is it?”
“I just,” she began, not sure of what to say, “I want to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” he said far too quickly.
Tabitha looked at him for a long moment, so long that he glanced at her, seeing the doubt etched on her features.
“What?” he asked, sounding too defensive. “Don’t I look okay?”
“I wouldn’t know,” Tabitha said, her tone stronger now. “You haven’t bothered to take your shades off yet.” She didn’t believe him for a second and he knew it.
“It’s bright out here,” he said, indicating the beach, “and I have a headache, is that okay with you?”
Tabitha clamped her mouth shut. She wanted to beg him to talk to her, beg him to stop whatever he was doing. But she could see begging wasn’t going to help.
She sat back, looking out at the beach. She missed him so much. It felt wrong to her to be so distanced from him. He has always been the one stable thing in her life, the one person she could always count on. Now he was just gone, like he never existed. It hurt her more than she wanted to admit even to herself. It was like he’d just abandoned her. Why? She wanted to ask. The question churned in her head, but she knew she couldn’t ask it. She wasn’t sure what kind of nasty response she’d get from him, but she didn’t want everything ruined to the point of never being able to get past this. They had to get past this, they had to.
“Devlin, are you doing drugs?” she asked.
He snickered, his lips twisting in a wry grin. “Another mother in the Sparks family,” he said sarcastically.
“No,” Tabitha said, getting mad. “I care about you, and I want to know what you’re doing to change you into someone I don’t even know.”
He turned his head to look at her, and after a few long moments, he shook his head, looking back at the ocean.
“Yeah, I’m doing drugs, so what?”
“Devlin,” she said, her tone aghast, “why? You’ve never done this stuff before. Why now?”
He laughed again, shaking his head ruefully. “Little girl, I’ve done way more than you’ll ever know.”
She looked stunned, then shook her head. “Not while I’ve known you,” she said confidently.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he told her. “I just hid it much better than your father ever bothered to.”
She opened her mouth to deny what he was saying, but shook her head instead, looking away from him. Tears misted her eyes. She couldn’t believe this, he’d done drugs that whole time too?
“No, Devlin, you can’t tell me that,” she said. “I know you were sober when you were there with me,” she said, referring to all the times Devlin had been there to pick her up from school, or from wherever else, whenever her father had been indisposed.
“Yeah, when I was there with you, Tabitha. But not always in between times,” he said, shrugging. “Someone had to be the sober one between me and Beege, I was it.”
“But …” she said, as she thought of the times when he’d been there for her.
There had been times when he’d looked like hell, when he looked like he’d just dragged himself out of bed, or the gutter or wherever to be there with her. As a child she’d never noticed, but in later years, she just assumed he’d been working so hard. God! She’d been a fool her whole life?
“I don’t believe this,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t believe you’ve lied to me this whole time.”
“I never lied to you, Tabitha,” he told her calmly. “You never asked, I never told you.”
She swallowed convulsively, willing herself not to cry. This was just too much.
“Were you a serious partier like Dad?” she asked, needing to know.
“No,” he said, “I never got into it that heavy, or neither of us would have been useful to you.”
“Is that why you’re into it so heavily now?” she asked, nailing him.
His lips curled in annoyance, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses. “It’s my life, Tabitha. I have a right to live it.”
“And if I need you again?” she asked, verging on tears.
Again, he grinned sarcastically. “You don’t need me anymore, Tabitha, you have your father back now, and you’re an adult. My knight-in-shining-armor days are over.”
That did it, the tears started before she could stop them. She turned away from him, dying inside from what he’d just said. Devlin closed his eyes behind his glasses, forcing himself not to move, not to comfort her, a reaction that had been almost instant.
Tabitha longed to feel him put his arms around her again, like he’d done so many times over her life. But he didn’t. She forced herself to stop crying, wiping angrily at her tears with the back of her hand. She turned to look at him, and saw him lighting another cigarette, his hands shaking more than they had before.
“Are you high now?” she asked.
He took a long drag on the cigarette, his eyes looking straight ahead.
“Not high enough,” he said honestly.
Tabitha nodded, though wasn’t sure what he meant. She assumed he meant not high enough to deal with her. She stood, looking down at him sadly. He glanced up at her, and had to look away instantly. Seeing the pain on her face was more than he could handle. He kept his face emotionless though, he’d gotten good at hiding over the years. In fact, he was a pro at it now.
Tabitha gave him a long look, as if studying his features, memorizing them. Finally, she nodded sadly.
“I’ll always love you, Devlin McGregor, for the man you pretended to be all these years. I’m sorry that you never thought I could handle anything but that charade. Then again, maybe you were right, maybe I couldn’t. I don’t know who you are anymore but I do know that I don’t like who you’ve become.” She paused to swallow against the tears welling up in her throat. They came sliding down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she said again, then turned and strode away from him.
Devlin sat rooted to the spot. He had no idea how long he sat there. It was dark by the time he got up and walked to his car. Once in the car, he sat staring for a long time. He lowered his head to the steering wheel, and gave in to the urge to yell. He felt so sick he could barely stand it. He felt an all-consuming need to get away from everyone and everything. It was eating him up inside. He hated himself more and more every day, feeling like he’d always been a fake, even with his music … Was that what he was? A fake? A liar? He didn’t know.
****
Brenden and Allexxiss were out together. It was a risk, and they both knew it, but they did it anyway. They were going down to San Diego together. Brenden had wanted to get away for a few days. Still having a very difficult time dealing with the arrangements for the upcoming tour, and the album, and also with Devlin’s sudden absence, he needed a break. So he’d asked Allex to go with him for the weekend. Brenden had rented a car, a Volvo, something “non-descript” but with power. He didn’t want people noticing a flashy car. For the most part, it did keep people from noticing them.
Once they were out of Los Angeles, Brenden put the car into overdrive and put his foot down.
“You and speed have a thing, don’t you?” Allex asked, smiling.
“You could say that,” Brenden said, grinning as he glanced over at her.
Allex shook her head, leaning back in her seat, and enjoying the feeling of just being with him. It struck her often how good it felt just to be in his presence again. It was like the feeling of being complete. It was just right. Every minute that she spent with him, she did her best to absorb everything. She watched the way he drove, the way his profile looked. She looked at his hands, the way his silver rings looked on his hands. The way his rich auburn hair looked in the sunlight. The warmth in his eyes when he looked at her. Everything about him was so compelling to her.
As she watched him, he grinned and turned the radio up, looking at her.
“Is this you?” she asked, glancing at the radio.
“Yup,” he said, nodding.
She’d long since found out that she hadn’t heard all of his music that day at his house. He’d only had half of his albums there. He’d told her he’d make sure she had all of them eventually. So she was constantly hearing songs that were his now. She could see how Tabitha had been stunned that she’d never heard any of his music. He truly was everywhere.
Allexxiss watched as he sang along, holding a note for an extraordinary amount of time, seemingly without effort.
“Is that hard to do?” she asked when there was a pause in the lyrics.
“What?” he asked, glancing over at her.
“When you hold notes like that,” she said.
He considered the question, shrugging. “It can be,” he said. “I like to stretch my range as far as I can take it, so a lot of times it’s hard.” He pointed to the radio. “This song is an old one, so I didn’t really use my range as much in those days. I didn’t even know what I was capable of back then.”
“And you never had any training?” she asked, having heard that from Tabitha.
“Nope,” he said, grinning, “just lucky.”
“I guess,” she said, smiling.
When that song ended another began, and he shook his head.
“What?” she asked.
“Must be a Sparks-fest,” he said, grinning.
“That’s you too?” she asked.
“Yup,” he said again.
In the end, a number of his songs played on the radio.
“Jesus, did I die and not know it?” he asked. “I feel like they’re playing a memoriam of some sort.”
Allexxiss laughed. “If you died, so did I.”
“As long as I went with you, then I’m okay,” he said, reaching over and touching her cheek.
She smiled at him, he always had a way of making her feel so good. The next song was very darkly toned, surprising Allexxiss. She caught Brenden looking over at her a few times, sensing that he was watching for her reaction. She heard what he meant by using his range, the song had very low parts, where his voice was almost a growl. Other times it would be raised as if attempting to shatter glass, with such an anguished edge it brought tears to her eyes involuntarily. His voice seemed to know no bounds. It was truly amazing.
When the last guitar chords died, she looked over at him.
“Was that from the forbidden album?” she asked, grinning.
“The forbidden album?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, one that Tabitha told me I should never listen to,” Allex told him.
Brenden laughed out loud. “My ever loving daughter,” he said, grinning. “She didn’t like that one as much as the rest.”
“Why?” Allex asked. Tabitha had already told her, but she was curious as to what Brenden would say.
“She says it’s too dark, too angry,” Brenden said, reaching for and lighting up a cigarette.
Allex nodded. “Why is it so angry?”
He looked over at her, his look measuring, then he shrugged. “It was two years after you’d come to LA and not contacted us. I was pissed,” he said simply.
Allex looked back at him. It really was refreshing to have a man who didn’t play games with emotions or words
“I’d like to hear it,” she said softly.
“I don’t think you’d like it,” he said cautiously.
“Why?” she asked.
“Tabitha’s right, and it’s pretty dark and graphic,” he said.
“Graphic?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he said, “it’s got a lot to do with drug use, anger, violence, hate.”
“But it’s you, Brenden,” she said. “It was you then, and I’d like to know what you were feeling.”
Brenden thought for a moment, then nodded his head, looking resigned. He reached behind him, pulled out his CD case, and handed it to her.
“It’s called ‘Dead of Night.’ It’s all black with blood-red writing.”
“Blood red?” she asked, eyebrow raised.
“Yup.”
She found the CD and put it in. Even the beginning of the album gave her chills. It was indeed very dark. The lyrics talked about mainlining, and giving into the Devil. Brenden sang along, smoking the entire time. “Does it bother you to hear this?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Nah,” he said, “I like all my stuff. I won’t put it out if I’m not proud of it. This,” he said, gesturing to the player as the next song wound up in guitars, “is a major departure from my usual stuff, but it’s still me, and it’s still rock ‘n’ roll.”
Allexxiss nodded, thinking about the movie she’d wanted to produce. It had been a very different role for her to play and she wanted it more than anything. She wanted to “stretch her range” like Brenden stretched his. It irritated her no end that she was in a holding pattern trying to get it backed again. No one else was brave enough to go against Artisan Pictures.
She sat back, listening to Dead of Night and began hearing similarities in the music and mixing to the ideas she’d had on the script for The Living Edge. When the last song ended, she looked over at Brenden.
“Have you ever done a soundtrack?” she asked him.
“A wot?” he asked, totally taken off guard by the question.
“A soundtrack for a movie,” she said. “I’ve got this movie I’m trying to produce, and I need a good edgy soundtrack for it.”
Brenden looked cynical. “I’m not really into stuff like that, love.”
“But you could be, right?” she asked. “You arrange all your own stuff, don’t you? I mean you and Devlin do, right? I’d be looking at using Sparks as a whole …” she said, thinking about the possibilities.
“I dunno,” he said, shaking his head. “What’s this movie about?”
Allexxiss proceeded to tell him the entire plot to the movie. Taking her time to make sure he understood every aspect of it. By the time they pulled up in front of the Hotel Del Coronado, he was nodding.
“Might be something we could do,” he said, liking the idea of working with her on something she loved, while doing something he loved.
“You think so?” she asked, excited at the prospect.
With Sparks behind the movie, she knew she could sell it to anyone. Sparks was a big, big mover in the industry. Everyone knew that.
Brenden nodded, grinning at the excited light in her eyes.
“So when does this movie start? ’Cause I have a three-month tour coming up here …” he said.
“Well, I have to get backing again, first,” she said.
“Again?” he asked as they got out of the car.
“Yes, Artisan backed out on me,” she said, making a face.
“So, what does ‘backing’ a movie involve?” he asked.
“A lot of money,” she said, sighing.
They walked into the hotel, and stopped talking about the movie. Eventually he got out of her how much money they were talking. At least $30 million.
“I could probably get the label to back it, especially if Sparks was involved in the project,” he said while they sat at dinner that night.
“Are you serious?” she asked, looking stunned.
“Yeah,” he said. “Half of it would end up being my money, but yeah, I don’t think that would be a problem.”
“Half?” she asked breathlessly. “I couldn’t ask you to do that, Bren,” she said, shaking her head.
“Why not?” he asked. “You told me it’s a movie that can’t lose.”
“And you trust me?” she asked, looking exasperated.
“Yeah,” he said, grinning, “go figure.”
“Bren …” she said, shaking her head, her eyes shining. “I didn’t tell you about this to get you that involved, I just thought—”
“I want to be involved,” he said, cutting her off.
She bit her lip, her eyes shining with excitement. She was sure that the movie would do well, she was sure of it, so he wouldn’t lose money. Hell, if he did, by some chance, she’d pay him back with her own money. She couldn’t believe this might actually happen.
They spent the rest of their trip talking about ideas for songs and the like. Brenden had to buy a notebook so he could start writing down all the ideas he was having. Allexxiss lay in the bathtub on the second night, while he sat on the counter in the bathroom writing down notes.
“You know, this tub is big enough for two …” she said, smiling at him.
“Is it now?” he asked, his accent making him sound very proper suddenly.
“Uh-huh,” she said, giving him a seductive smile.
“And how am I supposed to resist that?” he asked as he put his notebook down.
He got off the counter, and quickly took off his shirt and jeans. In minutes, he was stepping into the tub behind her. His hands slid around her waist and pulled her back against him. His lips found her neck, touching her skin sensually.
“Oh Bren …” she whispered huskily.
“Mmmm …” he murmured against her neck, his hands sliding over her skin.
Within minutes, they were making love in the huge bathtub, then again in the bed. They fell into a warm comfortable sleep afterwards, his body wrapped around hers from behind.
The Monday after they got back to “civilization” as Brenden termed it, he had the papers drawn up for Badlands Records to back The Living Edge. He had them messengered over to Allexxiss with a dozen long-stemmed red roses. She received it at that house, smiling happily at the thoughtfulness but knowing she’d have to keep the roses somewhere so Max wouldn’t question them too much. She finally put them on the dining room table, simply because they matched the decor, so didn’t look too out of place.
Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for Max to find out what company had backed The Living Edge, and he was furious. He’d purposely killed the project to keep Allexxiss in check. She was getting too power hungry and he wanted to make sure she knew her place. Now the project was backed by the same record company Sparks had his contract with? It was too much of a coincidence for him. Max set a private investigator on Allex the next day. It didn’t take long for Max to get the evidence he needed to prove that she was seeing BJ Sparks again. That further infuriated him, but instead of confronting her, he leaked it to the press.
The headline read, “The Sparks Will Be Flying!” It showed a picture of Brenden and Allexxiss kissing at his house out by the pool. It talked about how BJ Sparks had been nothing but a lowly bartender in England when they met, and how Allexxiss had gotten herself pregnant at the mere age of sixteen. It painted Max Putnam as the man that had rescued Allex when Sparks had thrown her away, “like trash,” Max was quoted as saying. Now here they were, putting together millions of dollars in deals, and leaving her poor husband to look like the fool.
Brenden read it, and merely raised his eyebrow at the “thrown away” comment. As far as he was concerned, this would push things to happen the way they needed to. Allexxiss read it sitting in her dining room, glancing at the red roses. She had to calm her stomach as it tightened threateningly. Max was at work, so she ran upstairs and changed clothes, then drove over to Brenden’s.
As she walked into the house, she saw him standing on the landing upstairs.
“Did you see it?” she asked.
Brenden nodded. “I saw it,” he confirmed, walking down the stairs.
“How did they get that picture?” she asked, shaking her head.
“How do they get any picture?” he replied, taking her hand and pulling her to him. He hugged her, kissing her temple.
“Are you okay?” he asked, sensing that she was shaken.
She nodded. “I guess I just wasn’t ready to handle this yet.”
He pulled back and looked down at her. “Tell him it’s bullshit, that we’re simply friends and that they got a compromising picture.”
Allex looked back at him for a long moment, surprised by what he’d just said. She knew he wanted her to divorce Max and be with him, but he had never pushed. Now he was saying to lie about them? Then she realized he was giving her an easy out, a way to get out of the confrontation with Max that she was terrified to have.
“No, Bren,” she said, shaking her head and looking up at him. “I want you, and this is just going to have to be the way that I tell him I want out.”
His eyes searched hers. She could see he wanted to know that she was really up for this battle. She looked back at him, her most determined look on her face. Still he read the doubt in her eyes. Allexxiss had never been good at confrontations. It was why she’d never confronted him years before when she thought he was cheating on her, and it was why she hadn’t confronted Max for cheating on her. Especially as she was now cheating on Max as well. It seemed like an equal trade off to her.
Part of her had hoped that Max would ignore the paper, knowing what he was doing, and figuring everyone would shrug it off as just another tabloid ploy.
However, that hope was resoundingly squelched that night. She was sitting at her desk in her office at the house. Max walked in and threw the paper on her desk.
“You want to explain this one?” he asked, his voice angrier than she’d ever heard it.
She looked at the paper for a long moment, her eyes focused on the picture of her and Brenden, and tried to draw strength from that.
“I love him,” she said quietly.
“Who the fuck cares, Allex!” Max yelled.
She winced at his rage. She had hoped hearing that would have allowed her to segue easily into asking for the divorce. Drawing a deep breath, she turned to look at him.
“Max, I want a divorce,” she said, her tone as even as she could keep it, even though her insides were trembling terribly.
Max narrowed his eyes at her. “That’s not going to happen, Allexxiss,” Max said, his tone so chilling that Allex gasped at the sound.
“Max—” she began, but he cut her off almost violently.
“It’s not going to happen, Allex! You belong to me, do you understand that? You’re my property, mine!” he growled. “No fucking bar rat is going to take you from me. I don’t care what the piece of shit calls himself now! You’re my wife and that’s not going to change, ever!”
Allex backed away from him, seeing the anger blazing in his eyes. It was almost maniacal and it scared her.
“Max, please, you just—”
“No!” he bellowed, making a cutting gesture with his hand. “You listen to me, Allexxiss, and you listen very closely,” he said, backing her up against the desk, towering over her, his hands down on the desk on either side of her. “You will break it off with Sparks and I better never hear another word about him or that brat of his, or I’ll ruin you, do you hear me? I’ll ruin you and I’ll ruin him right along with you. You’ll end up back in the hovel in London he came from, where he belongs. Do you understand me?” he growled.
Allex stared back at him, trying to decide if she should believe him. She knew Max had a lot of power in Los Angeles. What could he do? Could he get Badlands to fire Brenden? What if that happened? What if he could ruin Brenden? She couldn’t bear that. She’d be able to live with him ruining her own career; it was marrying Max that had given her the career in the first place. She loved Brenden enough to give up her career. But she couldn’t let Max ruin Brenden. He’d worked too hard to get where he was. And ruining Brenden would ruin Tabitha too. It would put them both in the poor house. Allex couldn’t handle the idea that with one selfish act, she could ruin the lives of the two people she loved the most. It was time for her to make a difficult decision. Brenden had made it years ago to save her, and now she had to make one to save both him and their daughter.
Slowly she nodded to Max, who was still waiting for an answer.
“I have someone watching you all the time Allex. Don’t think I won’t know if you contact him again. It’s over, as of right now,” Max said.
Allex’s eyes widened, then she lowered them, nodding to him. She walked away from him, walking up to their room and closing the door quietly. She sat down on the couch in her walk-in closet, refusing to cry, lest Max come in and find her doing so. She just sat and stared, sure she would just stop breathing at any time. Her heart was shattered, and she didn’t even begin to know where to pick up the pieces. It was over, her dream of being with the man she loved, was over. She couldn’t believe it, and she couldn’t breathe.
****
For two days, Allex didn’t call. Brenden knew something was wrong. He was on edge and snapped at everyone around him. Finally, on the morning of the third day, he saw the papers. “Ramsey vacation’s in Jamaica with her husband.” The rest of the story talked about how in love she was with her husband, “motion picture executive Maxwell Putnam” and now there were rumors about Ramsey expecting …
Brenden gave a frustrated yell, throwing the paper across the room. He picked up his coffee cup and launched it across the room, then upended the kitchen table in his fury. Tabitha walked in about then.
“Dad!” she yelled, over his cussing.
Brenden turned, looking at her, panting as his adrenaline pumped.
“What is it?” she asked, a cold fear gripping her heart.
Brenden looked back at his daughter, as it started hitting him. She was gone, Allex was gone again, out of his life. Had she used him? To get her movie contract? To make her husband jealous? What? Why? his mind screamed. The fight left him then and he blinked slowly and walked past his daughter out of the destroyed kitchen. Tabitha stared after him, not sure what to do. She looked around the kitchen and noticed the paper lying in a heap. She picked it up and read the headline.
“Oh my God …” she breathed, knowing what had sent her father into a rage.
She read the story with tears in her eyes. Her thoughts were like her father’s. The question “Why?” kept coming to mind. Why would she do this? Why would she do this to them?
Tabitha left her father alone that day, assuming he needed some space. She called some friends and went to hang out with them for the day. When she returned that night, she went to see her father, wanting to assure herself that he was okay.
She walked into his room, and knew before she even saw him that he wasn’t okay. The room was dark, there was no music, no sound. She saw him lying on the bed, still fully clothed, even with his boots on. He was lying on his side, holding something in his fingers.
Tabitha walked over to the bed and saw that he was holding his wedding band. His eyes stared unseeing at the ring he was turning around and around between his fingers.
“Daddy?” Tabitha said, her tone worried.
Brenden didn’t even flicker.
“Daddy!” she called out, louder this time.
Again, he didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t look at her. She sat down on the bed, and touched his arm.
“Please don’t do this, Daddy, I need you, please?” she asked tearfully.
Brenden said nothing; he continued to stare straight ahead.
She lay down, putting her eyes on the same level as his and stared right into his eyes.
“Daddy, I need you, please don’t let her do this to us,” she said, tears falling from her eyes. “Please, Daddy, please …”
Brenden still didn’t look at her. He only closed his fingers over the wedding band. Tabitha watched horrified as he crushed the band between his fingers, his teeth clenching as he did, his eyes flickering with the effort, but never seeing her.
Tabitha lay next to him and cried, terrified of what would happen. She’d seen his depressions, but she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this one could kill him. She knew he wouldn’t do anything to help himself this time. Tabitha spent the night lying next to him, her hand on his arm, so she’d know when he got up. He didn’t. The next morning, he’d closed his eyes, and was sleeping, but she was sure it was just a way to escape. She was right and he slept for the next three days. She was desperate by the fifth day. She knew she needed to break him out of this depression somehow. She had to do something.
****
Devlin sat on his bed, his head leaning back against the wall, his fingers moving in time to the guitar on the radio. He wore jeans and nothing else. A woman was asleep on the bed, obviously naked, but he didn’t pay her any attention. He’d actually been surprised she’d stayed the night. He very vaguely remembered picking her up in the bar last night. He remembered even less about their encounter. Good, going for AIDS now too? his mind asked him.
He was stunned when Tabitha burst into his room.
“What the?” he started to ask.
“Devlin, I need you!” she said, her voice a plaintive wail.
“Tab,” he began, shaking his head.
“I need you!” she yelled, tears springing to her eyes. “Daddy needs you.”
“What happened?” Devlin asked, feeling the hairs stand up on his arms at the tone in her voice.
“She left him,” Tabitha said, shaking her head. “She left us,” she said, then the tears starting then.
She stood crying, unable to control the tears anymore. Suddenly Devlin was there, holding her, telling her it was okay. He held her to him, his hands stroking her hair, like he had for so many years. His voice was soothing, like it had always been. She’d been afraid to go to him, but desperation had made her willing to try anything.
An hour later, Devlin walked into Brenden’s house and up to his room.
“Okay, Sparks, let’s go!” he bellowed, walking over to the bed.
Brenden didn’t move, his eyes were open now, but he didn’t respond to Devlin.
“Get up, Sparks, we’re not going to play this one again, you got it?” Devlin said harshly. “Get the fuck up, now!”
He shoved Brenden, jarring him enough to make Brenden fight back involuntarily. His arm came up, blocking and throwing aside Devlin’s arm.
“Not quite what I wanted there, Beege. Get your ass out of that bed, now!” Devlin yelled.
Tabitha winced every time Devlin yelled, but she knew that if anyone knew how to get to her father, it was Devlin.
Brenden’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you have some needle to cozy up to?” he growled.
“Nah, not doing needles man, too much evidence,” Devlin said, his own eyes narrowing. “Now get the fuck up.”
“Go away, Dev,” Brenden said simply.
“Right, sure, no problem, as soon as you get your lazy ass up out of that bed, I’ll go away,” Devlin said, his tone sneering.
Devlin’s eyes shifted to Tabitha then, apologizing for what he was about to say.
“Or are you going to let some dumb cunt get the better of you again? Wait, this is the same one that fucked you over before, right? Don’t learn too fast do ya, you stupid limey.”
In a flash, Brenden was up and throwing a punch that threw Devlin three feet, and up against the wall. He sunk to the floor.
“Daddy!” Tabitha screamed.
“Whoa, whoa!” Devlin yelled, holding up his hands as Brenden came at him.
“What the fuck do you know?” Brenden yelled. “What the fuck would you know about loving anyone? You’ve never fucking loved anything but your guitars, you stupid fucking kid, you don’t know anything!”
Devlin looked back at Brenden as he slowly got to his feet, his hand massaging the already darkening bruise at his jaw. He could taste his own blood too, Brenden could definitely hit. But Devlin could see Brenden was already losing his fight again.
“Tabbie, call the doctor,” Devlin told her.
She nodded, still terrified at what she’d just seen, but reached over to pick up the phone.
Brenden sat down on the bed, looking defeated again.
“She’s gone, Dev …” he said, his tone dead.
“I know, man, I know,” Devlin said, moving to kneel in front of his friend, “and we’ll get through it, okay?”
Brenden looked at Devlin, his eyes so sad it hurt Devlin to see it.
“I’m sorry,” Brenden said, seeing the mark he’d left on Devlin.
“S’okay,” Devlin said, wincing as he grinned. “Good to see you still got it in ya.”
Brenden didn’t even crack a smile. Devlin glanced at Tabitha who had just hung up the phone.
“He’ll be over right away,” she told Devlin.
She climbed onto the bed and hugged her father from behind.
“I love you, Daddy,” she said softly. “Please stay here with me.”
Brenden’s eyes closed at her plea. His hand reached up to touch her arms that encircled his shoulders.
The doctor came and made sure that Brenden was well on his way to recovery. He gave him a few shots, and gave Tabitha enough meds to make sure that Brenden didn’t slip back into his depression. Tabitha knocked on the door to the guest room, and Devlin told her to come in. She walked in, seeing him sitting on the bed.
“How is he?” Devlin asked.
“He’s okay,” Tabitha said, looking down at him, “the doctor says this was a bad one though.”
Devlin nodded, knowing that already. It had taken a lot to get Brenden to respond this time. Tabitha sat down on the bed, facing him, her eyes going to the almost-black bruise on his jaw.
“Does it hurt a lot?” she asked softly.
“Not as much as my head does right now,” he said quietly.
“Are you okay?” she asked, seeing that he was holding his head as still as he could.
He smiled wanly. “This is what we call withdrawal, honey.”
“Oh, Dev …”
“It’ll be okay,” he assured her. “I’ve got some experience with this.”
“Some?”
“Years’ worth,” he said.
“What happens?” she asked curiously.
She’d always been kept away from her father when he was going through withdrawals. There had been a couple of times, when she was younger, when she had been sure she’d heard her father screaming at the top of his lungs. Everyone had told her that she was just imagining it.
“It ain’t pretty, honey,” Devlin assured her.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” she asked.
“It’s not fun,” he told her.
“Can I help you?” she asked, feeling responsible suddenly.
He shook his head, wincing at the movement. “I need to do this alone,” he said.
“But Dev,” she began.
“Tabbie, please?” he said, his tone a desperate whisper. “Let me spare you one more reality right now, okay?”
Tears sprang to her eyes at what he said. She knew he was doing his very best not to let her see how much pain he was in. She got up and reached out to touch his cheek, her eyes showing her sympathy.
“Go, babe,” he said quietly.
She nodded, then walked out quietly closing the door.
When she woke the next morning, she wandered down the hallway to check on her father. He was sleeping peacefully still. She walked down farther to the room Devlin was in. She glanced into the room and saw that he was out of bed. She stepped into the room and heard the most horrible retching. She listened, wincing at the sound of it. It sounded like he was dying. In between the sounds of retching she could hear him gasping in pain. When the sounds finally quieted, she meekly walked to the bathroom doorway. Devlin was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees. He looked absolutely gray.
“Get out, Tabitha,” he told her, his tone low, but definitely not one to argue with.
She hesitated.
“Get out!” he roared.
She jumped at the sound, and ran from the room. She’d never heard him yell like that before. Just as she closed the bedroom door, she heard him throwing up again. She knew that yelling had caused him to throw up again, and she felt bad that she’d caused that. So she stayed away from him for the next twenty-four hours.
The following morning she once again checked on her father. He was sitting up, but still looking pretty shell-shocked. They talked for a few minutes, but it was obvious he wasn’t up for conversation. She was just happy to see him looking a lot less comatose.
Next, she padded down to the guest room. She stopped and listened at the door for a moment, then opened it quietly. She heard music playing and, looking to the bed, saw Devlin sitting up against the headboard. It was still half-dark in the room, but she could see he looked better.
“Devlin?” she called softly.
He looked at her, and she held up the bottle of water she’d brought for him. She was sure with as much as he’d thrown up he would be dehydrated. There was a moment’s hesitation and then he held out his hand. She walked over and handed him the bottle. He took it gratefully and drained half its contents.
“Thank you,” he said, nodding. “I needed that.”
“I thought you might,” she said, grimacing at the thought.
“Tab,” he said gently, reaching out to her.
She sat down next to him on the bed, looking at him.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he told her.
She shook her head. “I heard what it did to you, so don’t apologize.”
He made a sound somewhere between a groan and a chuckle.
Her eyes searched his face. “Are you okay now?”
He shrugged, nodding. “For the most part, yeah,” he said.
“For the most part?”
“I’ll still have the shakes for a few days,” he said, holding his hand up. It shook with a mild tremor. “But so long as I don’t have to perform brain surgery, I’ll be okay,” he said, winking at her.
She laughed softly, amazed at how easily he could take what he’d just gone through. It occurred to her then he was used to it.
“You’ve done this a lot, haven’t you?” she asked, voicing her thoughts.
He looked back at her for a long moment, then nodded. “Yeah, I have.”
She looked pained. “Is it always this bad?”
He thought about it then shrugged. “It’s never good, but it’s not always as bad as this. I’ve been binging for a while now.”
Again, she grimaced, not liking to hear him talk like he was, but knowing that it was reality.
“And you went through that constantly for me, didn’t you?” she said, her eyes searching his. “The withdrawals.”
He didn’t answer at first, then nodded. “For you and for Beege, yeah, but I wanted to, Tab,” he told her gently.
She shook her head. “I just don’t know how you did it, Devlin, going through that so often. I mean, people spend months in hospitals getting off drugs …”
He grinned. “I didn’t have the luxury of months, babe, when you have to come down, there’s an easy way and a hard way.”
“And you always did it the hard way, didn’t you?” she said, her look pained again.
He nodded. “Yeah, but,” he said, grinning, “at least I know I can do it, right? In the event of a real emergency, give me two days and I’m good to go,” he said, winking at her.
“Stop it!” she said, giving him a narrowed look. “Don’t make light of what you’ve done, Devlin. Not many people could do it, and still more wouldn’t do it for someone else even if they could.” She put her hand to his cheek, looking into his eyes. “Thank you for being here for me again. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
He looked back at her, then took her hand from his cheek and pulled her into a hug. She settled against him, much as she always had for years.
“You’re welcome, Tabitha,” he whispered against her hair.
“I’m sorry I was so rough on you that day at the beach, Dev,” she said sincerely. “I had no idea what you’d gone through for me, and still didn’t until I witnessed this,” she said, gesturing toward the bathroom.
“Yeah,” he said, grimacing, “my fall from grace is complete now.”
She pulled back, looking up at him, but not leaving the circle of his arms. “No, Devlin,” she said sternly, “this showed me that you’re still the same man I always loved, and even more superhuman than I ever thought.”
“I’m not superhuman, babe,” he told her seriously.
“Yes you are, to me, Devlin,” she said, her eyes staring up into his. “More than once you’ve put aside your own life, your own needs and even endangered your own well-being to be there for me. Someone that’s not even your own flesh and blood. That, to me, is heroic. I don’t care what you say.”
Devlin looked back at her, then grinned. “Do I get a cape?”
“No,” she said, smiling mischievously. “You only get yellow tights.”
“Ugh, I think I’ll stick with being mortal, thanks.”
“Yellow not your color?”
“More like green lately,” he said, grinning and nodding toward the bathroom.
“Ewww!”
“What was that about the myriad of colors one can throw up?” he asked. “I think I created a couple of new ones.”
“Oh, Dev …” she said, looking worried again, touching his cheek. “You should try to eat something.”
He shook his head. “Oh, no, I don’t think so, not just yet.”
She reached down touching his stomach. “My God, Devlin!” she exclaimed. “You’ve lost so much weight,” she said, shaking her head.
“I’ll be okay, I can bulk up in no time, not to worry,” he said, touching her cheek and smiling at her.
“Is that like fattening you up for Thanksgiving dinner?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Yeah, and I’m the prime turkey,” he replied, grinning.
She laughed, shaking her head, then pinned him with a look.
“I’m glad to have you back, Devlin,” she said softly. “I missed you so much.”
He looked a little pained, then nodded. “I’m glad to have me back too.”