Chapter Thirty

Memories

Garrett

The bathroom and kitchen addition is a hit. Right now, we have a tub that looks like a very oversized, galvanized bucket without the handle. The two sinks sitting on what is now the counter are smaller versions. Hanging over both are detachable showerheads that Brand thinks are amazing.

The kitchen is extended out there, too. I wanted an island, a place to sit and chat, eat breakfast, make Christmas cookies and jam with Juliana and our children. I’m going to pour concrete countertops in both the kitchen and the bathroom after we pour the heated floors in them both. The water, the floors, and the house will be heated by an outdoor wood furnace. Hell, someday I want a pool to be heated that way, as well.

Watching Brand swim has been amazing, but watching Juliana hold her breath when he goes under until he pops up again causes me some fucking anxiety. I hate that she worries.

Gray and I have it all talked through, and no, it won’t be like Gage’s place; it will be ours—mine and hers. This shack is going to be home. Home to her and I, Brand, and the little one already planted deep inside her.

I paid attention to what caught her eye in those magazines, and I liked the feel of most everything. What I am on the fence about, I will cave.

I am dog-ass tired, but when Brandon and Juliana both fall asleep, I decided to watch the video diary Juliana made for me. She didn’t want Brand to see it. Now I know why.

While I was out fucking, drinking, and snorting my hurt away most of the time, she was trying to be so fucking strong for Brandon, and yes, for me, too.

In some of the videos, the screen will go black. I figured out she was hiding the phone she recorded on when Gage walked into the bathroom or bedroom. It’s more than obvious they had no relationship whatsoever. It was more of a partnership, and a bad one at that. Both marriage and partnership were cold, but cordial.

Part of me is relieved, while the other half is angry at myself.

The emotions and the fucking highs and lows going on inside me while watching are maddening, but I want to know everything, and she clearly wants me to, as well. So, I watch.

The lows are gut-wrenching, but needed. The one that breaks my heart the most is the one from the hospital room—the day she gave birth to Brandon. She is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, crying.

“You should be here to see him. You should, and you’re not here.” She wipes away her tears and tries to catch her breath, hiding the sobs, but she can’t. It’s hell to watch her, and I find myself wiping away tears, as well. “He’s beautiful, Garrett, he is. He’s not branded. He isn’t. Did you see him? The pictures of him? He’s my son. Mine. He’ll be happy, Garrett, he will, and you’ll miss it. You’ll miss it all.” More sobs. “I should hate you for telling me you love me. Hate you for saving me from them. Hate you for leaving me. I should, but I can’t look at him and feel that way. He’s from love, not pain. He’s from the happiest time of my life—time with you. He isn’t nothing. He is everything that has ever been good in my life, and he would have been yours, too, but you ran.

“You ran and left me. I know now why you never brought me around your family. I’m not good enough. You may be right, but he is. He is, and he deserves to sleep peacefully, safely, never go hungry. I will make sure of it while living a lie, one you forced me to tell. I do hate you, I do. You left me, him, us. I hate you.” She cries into her knees for what is only seconds, but seems like hours while I watch it. She then looks up, shaking her head. “I wish that were true. I wish it were, but I can’t. I just can’t. I love you. I do, and that and this lie...makes me pathetic.”

The highs are beautiful and wanted.

His first steps.

“I heard you are out west, and that you’re doing okay. I’m happy for you. God, I hope you’re happy. I truly do. But look what you’re missing. Look at our son.”

Somehow, that scale—the highs and lows—the ones that shouldn’t be tipped in my favor since I certainly didn’t deserve it to be, are.

“Twenty-five lifetimes to make it all up to them, and I will.”

When I walk into the room, she is awake and staring at her ring.

“You need anything?” I ask, walking over and kissing her forehead.

She smiles. “This is too much.”

“Nothing will ever be too much.” I sit down next to her and look at the ring. It’s a four carat, six prong solitaire. The platinum band makes a unique infinity sign and has tiny diamond chips in it.

“It’s beautiful.” She continues to smile while looking at it.

“Nothing compared to you, our love, our son.” I put my hand on her belly. “And this one.”

She looks away from the ring, still smiling, and adds, “My fiancé.”

“That needs to change soon.” I smile as I rub her belly, and she puts her hand over it. “How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted.”

We are up bright and early since Brandon insists that we go make pancakes for the Steel family. I know he has a mission that involves his first crush—Bell Steel.

Standing at Gage’s kitchen counter while Brandon tells me what to do at six-thirty in the morning makes me smile. There is going to be years and years of this, and I am more than ready.

He’s like Gage—direct when he has a task at hand. Very verbal with direction. Near short, actually.

I look back to see Juliana smirking at me. Then her nose goes back down to the Country Home magazine. I get why she reads them. She wants to do things right. She wants to learn because she didn’t have all those millions of lessons we got from Mom or Mags. I always get why it may have pissed Gage off. Hell, I want to throw them out, too, but not because I think she’s only interested in material shit like he did, but because I want her to live it.

When she’s healed up, I will make damn sure she does. I want Juliana undiluted and untouched by worry of what others think. Lived that way for years—both of us. Sometimes because we were hiding shit, and other times because we were feeling shit. Hiding and feeling aren’t living.

I look up when Gage walks in.

“Morning,” he says.

Brand lights up. “Morning, Da-Gage.”

Gage laughs and walks over, lifting him up and hugging him tight. “Da Gage sounds like a rapper name.”

“It’s still a little weird,” Brandon tells him, hugging him tightly.

“Getting better every day, though, huh?”

“Yep.” Brandon pulls back and looks him in the eyes. “I love you.”

“You better.” Gage pecks him on the cheek then sets him down. He looks at his hair, smirks, and shakes his head. “Times are changing, Brand. You’re growing up faster and faster every day. Gotta be all the fresh air.”

“You gotta see the cabin.” The excitement in his voice is evident.

“Was down there for a few hours yesterday. Will be again today. Garrett...” He pauses. “Your dad is one hell of a foreman.”

I hold up the spatula and point it at him. “Learned from the best.”

He nods then looks over at Juliana. “Feeling better today?”

She nods. “Yes, thank you.”

He looks back at me. “So, you need to get that wedding planned soon if you’re going to do it this summer. Phoenix and I are getting married in September.”

“You are?” Brand asks with excitement.

“Sure am.” He winks at him.

“Cool. So cool.”

Juliana smiles. “Congratulations, Gage.”

“Thanks.” He nods.

“Congratulations,” I tell him then look over my shoulder at Juliana. “What kind of wedding do you want?”

She shrugs. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Sure as hell does,” I tell her on a laugh.

“Then I guess right over there at the cabin. Us, your family. Quick and easy.”

“Nothing about the two of you has been quick or easy,” Gage says before popping a piece of bacon in his mouth.

“Everything from here on out will be,” I tell him.

“Reception at Carlain’s Bar?”

I look back again to see Phoenix is walking into the kitchen.

“That’s what I want, but my parents are insistent on a big overpriced, overdone, Cinderella type event.” She sticks her finger in her mouth and fakes a gag.

“That sounds fine,” Juliana says, still thumbing through her magazine.

“Are you going to ask me to be your maid of honor?” Phoenix asks, serious as shit.

Juliana looks up, and as their eyes meet, they both start laughing.

“I mean, I have so many friends—I’ll have to see if I can squeeze you in—but if you insist.” Juliana smiles at her.

“Do you think there’s a place to rent a friend?” Phoenix jokes. “I have Mandee, but Gage has brothers and friends. The groomsmen will outnumber the bridesmaids, and that will not be okay in my mother’s eyes.”

“We could check into it.” Juliana laughs at her.

“Or, we could just do each other a solid and stand up for each other,” Phoenix suggests.

Juliana laughs. “Can you imagine what Kat will think?”

“She thinks you’re the ultimate woman, truly,” Phoenix tells her. “Plus, we really don’t need friends when we’re about to become sister-in-laws.”

“You’re being serious?” Juliana asks.

“Yes.”

“Oh...Oh, wow. Then...okay. I guess I’d be...honored.” The shock and sweetness in Juliana’s response is fucking beautiful, just like her.

“And I’ll be in yours.” Phoenix puts out her hand.

Juliana swallows back a tear and shakes her head. “You don’t have to.”

“She’s offering,” I tell her. “Take it, Juliana. We’re family.”

She nods. “Thank you.”

“Where’s Grayson?” Xavier Steel asks as he walks into the kitchen, kid in tow.

“Couth,” his wife Taelyn says like it’s a reminder.

He looks at her. “Need trumps all. We need him, Irish.”

Xavier and Taelyn own a music production company. They manage, record, and make stars out of people they think have talent. They aren’t wrong. The band Steel Total Destruction tops charts in the rock and roll industry.

“He’s not Rock X,” Gage tells him.

“He’s also not interested in being on the road or big stages in front of all those people,” I add.

“He needs to be,” Xavier tells us.

“Just started singing in front of people, man.” Gage hands him a cup of coffee and nods to the door. “Feel free to ask him.”

I look over as Gray walks in, sets his guitar down by the back door, and toes off his muddy boots.

“Damn, Grayson, you fall down?” Xavier looks at Gray, who has mud up to his knees and his hair is drenched.

“Nah.” He shakes his head and drops his pants. “Hung out in the woods for a little bit.”

A little bit means Gray spent the whole fucking night alone. Probably had a small camp fire, his guitar, and a shotgun close by.

“Damn, you got the body, looks, talent. Gray, I want you to be part of Forever Four,” Xavier tells him like it’s a done deal.

I know better.

“I’m all set, but appreciate it.” He nods, stepping out of his jeans and folding them up.

“Got another country singer. You’d make one hell of a tour team,” X tells him as he walks past him, head down. “Think about it, Gray. You could be a star.”

Gray nods and looks back. “Don’t want to be a star; just want to be, you know?”

Just like that, he’s gone.

“We have a Finn Beckett situation on our hands, Irish,” he tells his wife. “You gotta make that happen.”

“If you think he’s like Finn, then you know it’s not gonna be easy. It’s not gonna be tomorrow, either, and you need to gain his trust. Can’t Billy him into it.”

“Billy him into it?” Phoenix asks.

“Billy Jeffers, musical genius, pure talent. Man hated me.” Xavier laughs.

“Because you popped him in the nose when you met him,” Taelyn says, laughing with him.

“Thought he was trying to get in your—” He stops and looks at his son then Brandon. “Thought he was trying to steal my girl.”

“No, he was just helping her on a senior project, like I told you.” She rolls her eyes.

“Sematics.” He shrugs and looks at Gage. “How do I make this happen?”

“Gray isn’t your man,” Gage tells him. “Doesn’t want to shine. Wants to blend, breathe freely, and live.”

“He gets all that out of him, he’d breathe better,” Xavier tells him.

“Gets what out of him?” Gage asks sternly, protectively.

“Emotion. Raw emotion in his voice. Raw talent in his fingertips,” Xavier explains.

“You’re barking up the wrong tree, X.” Zandor laughs, walking in with his wife. “Falcons fly by all that raw emotion. Can’t be held down or swayed. They do their thing.”

The rest of them begin to trickle in. Brand is by my side, flipping pancakes and looking back every time a new booming voice fills the air.

“You gonna do this here?” I whisper, knowing he’s got that necklace and the girl on his mind.

“They’re leaving soon; I have to.”

“Don’t stress it, bud.” I rub my hand over the top of his head. “You’re planting a seed. Gonna let it grow over the years. Nothing to be nervous about.”

He smiles and nods. “You’re right.”

I’m glad he thinks so.

I wink, and he blinks back. Fucking amazing kid.

“You bitches have done it now.”

I look back to see Kat walking in, pushing between Phoenix and Juliana. She drops a pile of magazines down on the island.

“Well, good morning, Kat.” Phoenix laughs.

“No. No, it’s not a good morning. My unicorn, my perfectly content man, has turned into your mother.”

I know Phoenix’s parents are here, but they’re in the cabin a lot, doing God only knows what.

“Oh, boy,” Phoenix says.

“Yeah. So, apparently, we have to get married. Look at this shit.” She waves at the pile of wedding magazines. “I don’t do white. I do black. I don’t wanna deal with this. I need a damn drink.”

“How about a Halloween themed wedding?” Juliana suggests.

Kat looks at her, emotionless. “Is that a witch joke? You think I’m a witch because I—”

“Bitch, maybe.” Juliana laughs, and everyone goes quiet.

I watch the way Kat looks her over.

After a few seconds, Kat says, “Don’t care what you call me. You’re my woman crush.”

Juliana laughs. “Don’t care what you think of me. I’m happy.”

“Right? Seriously, why do people want to crush happiness with white dresses, flowers, and a need to change someone?”

“Might muzzle you if I could, but I wouldn’t change you. That’s not what this wedding thing is about,” Ricco says as he laughs, walking in.

“Then why?” Kat nearly pouts...nearly.

“I’m gonna knock you up. Want to be married this time.”

“Oh no, you aren’t.” She points at him. “You can keep that thing away from me if that’s the plan.”

He walks up behind her, wraps his arms around her, and whispers in her ear. She laughs at whatever he says.

“Don’t care how fascinating it is. You’ll keep it in your sock, Ricco.”

“Gonna have to change your name to sock, then.” He kisses the back of her head then walks away.

Jase comes flying into the kitchen, skidding across the floor, like a scene from that movie Mags and Mom used to watch, Risky Business.

“I need a fucking ambulance, some towels, a motherfucking OBGYN, a damn—”

“What the hell is going on?” Xavier asks.

“Carly, damn her. She’s gonna pop in that freaking cabin. Didn’t tell me she was in labor.” He’s a panicked mess.

“I’m fine.” Carly walks in, holding her two girls’ hands. “Just relax, Jase.”

“You were told to keep your ass in that bed.” He points at her.

She laughs then stops almost immediately.

“What do we have going on in here?” Mag asks, entering the kitchen.

“My wife is as stubborn as a mule,” Jase snaps.

“Jase,” she says quietly, but he doesn’t hear her.

Juliana gets up and moves across the floor on her crutches. She says something I can’t hear because Jase is still flipping out.