Chapter Five

Why Do I Feel…?

Gage

I watch her walk up the driveway and know I fucked up. I should have left it alone this morning. Shouldn’t have even shown my face. I knew last night when I left the bar that shit was going to happen. Brought it too close to home too fucking soon.

That fucking song she was singing is all sorts of wrong. It’s different for girls because they feel too much, get lost in their misery, hang on to shit that wasn’t theirs to begin with. A man fucks you up, you walk and don’t look back. You fuck a man up, he does the same. Unless he can’t, because you are forever bound. But you keep your shit separate. You get over it and move on.

I pull off my hat, run my hand through my hair, and sigh.

Great advice, fuckhead, I scold myself because I’m still living my shit. Got to for Brand. Blood is blood.

Not everyone is all fucking twisted up in the shit like I am.

She has no kids. I know that and everything about her from her application. College graduate, parents still together, siblings, and no marriages. Hell, I looked at her social media shit, too. Not one fucking picture with a guy, not even a damn prom picture.

So, what the hell is she so anti-man for? She isn’t. She just thinks she is. I know damn well how I make her feel. I feel the same way.

Fucking is fucking. And her and I, we should be fucking, not mowing the damn lawn.

I park the tractor in the barn and walk up to see Mags, hoping maybe Phoenix is on the porch with her.

She’s not.

“Got my coffee, Mags?” I ask, trying not to notice the music playing from the cabin next to Mags, or Phoenix singing along.

“For you, my boy, anything,” she says, handing me a cup, and then unscrewing the cap to her thermos.

“Sure it’s just coffee?” I joke.

She laughs. “Never could drink with my three boys running me ragged.”

“We were a handful, huh?” I grin then take my first sip.

“You, never. Your brothers, a different story,” she says, sitting down in the glider I built for her last year. “Sit. Let’s talk.”

I sit.

“You doing good up here, Mags? I mean, it’s gotta get lonely when no one’s around.”

“You and I both know that, with or without people, this place is good for your soul.”

I nod, taking another sip of the steaming hot black coffee.

“How’s that boy of ours?” she asks as I swallow the strongest coffee on the freaking earth.

“Trying to back off,” I tell her, which is true.

“You think that’s what he needs?”

If anyone but Mags asked me that, I would walk. I know it’s out of concern for him and for me.

I shake my head. “No, Mags, been a dad to Brand for five years now; everything’s fucked up.”

“He needs you strong, Gage.” She squeezes my forearm.

“Doing the best I can,” I tell her. “Letting him and Juliana fix the broken between them.”

“And here to fix the broken in you?”

I give her a sidewise glance, and she pats my knee.

“He’ll understand when he gets older.”

I nod, knowing she thinks it’s true. Honestly, I don’t want to get into it.

“He’ll know you did it all for him.”

I toss back the coffee. “Yeah.” Then I stand, and so does she.

“Gage, you’re a good man.”

I nod. “Gotta be, right?”

She smiles sadly at me. “You were born to be. You had no choice in the matter.”

I take in a slow and hopefully calming breath, and she jabs me with a sucker punch.

“Are you and your mother talking?”

I know she of all people knows the answer to that, just like I know it’s a nudge to get me thinking.

“We’re all taking a break, Mags.”

“She loves you, Gage.”

“Yeah, well, she has a hell of a way of showing it. She knew Jules’ secret and kept it from me.”

“She didn’t do it to hurt you, Gage. You and I both know that about her.”

“Doesn’t much matter. I’ve been daddy to the boy for years. Come to find out, I’m really not, and she knew.”

“It hurts.” She follows me down the porch steps.

“Hurt is putting it mildly. That boy is my fucking heart,” I say, feeling the tension build. “Gotta go, Mags. Things to get done around here before heading back to reality.”

“Gage,” she calls out, and I stop and turn around to face her. “She loves you. She fell in love with that little boy, too. We all did. He is your boy.”

I nod. “Yeah, he is.”

Standing on the back porch, I look out over the lake and toss back a whiskey, hoping it takes the edge off.

Brand wants a damn horse, which means he will get a horse. Hell, he will get a dozen. First, though, I needed to fence in some pasture.

Should be happy that I got done what I did today. Lots of mowing, lots of area to plant all the shit Mags will love. It’s a good start.

I stand up straight off the railing and look up at the stars. Can’t see them in the city from my apartment.

I don’t know how long I stand looking up at them, but when I look at my watch, it’s past ten at night, and although I should be exhausted, I’m not. Although I should climb my ass in bed instead of throwing on some clothes, I don’t.

I walk into the bar. It’s crowded again, but tonight, I see a reason, aside from the fact that I’m sure more than half these men want, the same thing I do—her. There’s a band playing, a country band. Not my normal type of music, but it works here.

I look away from them and toward the bar where I see Phoenix look up, and our eyes meet.

Walking over, I push my way through the crowd toward her.

She nods. “Date tonight?”

“What are you offering in return?” I ask, knowing it will trip her up.

“Excuse me?” She tries to act like she’s pissed, but she’s lost that bite when it comes to me.

“If I take you on a date, you gonna put out?”

“Wow.” She shakes her head. “You need some help with your game. You’re batting oh for three, Gage.”

I like the way she says my name. Not sure why, but I do.

“So, me asking a straightforward question is wrong? I’m supposed to play games? That shit actually works for women like you?”

“Women like me?” she says defensively.

“Sexy, smart, pissed off at the world for something some dick did to you. Probably lied, possibly cheated, but definitely was a fucking idiot for letting you get away. That’s what you need? More bullshit laced in pretty words and false intentions?”

Her eyes widen a bit, and then she fires back, “You have no idea what I need.”

“You want roses, flowers, promises of forever, I ain’t got any of that in me. I will tell you that if I’m fucking you, no one else is. If you’re fucking me, I would expect the same. I’ll tell you that you won’t be going out with dicks like that”—I point to the same asshole who sits in the same barstool every time I have been in this damn place—“who stares at your tits for hours on end.”

She pushes my hand down. “Will you please quiet down?”

“Why, when you know, and I know damn well that—”

“Mandee, he’s yours for the night,” she yells to the other bartender.

“I want you,” I tell her.

“You’ve made that clear. I’m not interested. I’ve made that clear.”

“Everything okay?” the girl she calls Mandee asks as she walks over and stands beside her.

“Everything will be,” Phoenix says as she walks away.

“What can I get you?” Mandee asks.

I look at Phoenix, who’s looking at me, but she looks away quickly.

“Jameson,” I say as I sit down at the stool recently occupied by one of the patrons.

I turn the stool and look at the dance floor that is packed with couples dancing close.

I guarantee most of the men out there are whispering drunken promises to a girl who’s eating up their lies. She wants to be that girl, or at least she thinks she does. She’s fucked up, too. In reality, both of them want the same damn thing. The skin on skin closeness leading to the feeling of a release, in hopes that, in that release, they find something more, something that lasts, something they can build a foundation of forever on.

All of it starting with a lie will fail.

I glance back at Phoenix, and she looks down again.

Didn’t take her as a girl who wanted a fucking lie. Couldn’t muster one up if I tried.

Lies ruin lives, destroy futures, and wreck families.

I fucking build things. Take pride in what I do and who I am. I take pride in my word.

“Your drink,” Mandee says from behind me, and I turn around.

“What’s her deal?” I ask as I pull my money clip out of my jean pocket.

“Um...” She looks toward Phoenix, and then back at me. “She’s my best friend.”

“But what’s her deal?” I ask, handing her a hundred.

She looks down and smiles, her brown hair falling in her face. “She’s strong, and she makes me stronger.”

I nod, wanting her to keep going, wanting to know more.

“I was in a bad relationship.” She frowns. “Really bad, and she helped me.”

“That’s a good friend,” I say because it’s true, and because I want to keep her talking.

“She knows what it’s like, you know, to be hurt. And look at her. She doesn’t give up. She’s still moving forward.”

There is an innocence about this girl, a sadness, something broken.

“Phoenix.” She smiles. “She doesn’t need anyone to watch out for her. She doesn’t hide or let anything hold her back. She’s going to do something great with her life. Something she wants to do, not what’s expected of her.”

“And you?”

That shocks her, and she looks up. “Well, I’m...I’m...” She stops and shrugs.

“You’re gonna be fine. Gonna do great things, too.”

“That’s what Phoenix says.”

“You gotta believe it, too.” I toss back my drink and stand.

“You want another one?” she asks.

“Nah, I’m good.” With that, I walk out of the bar and don’t look back.

I wake up and walk out onto the deck. The sun is rising. It’s a new day.

I left the bar last night, having decided that I’m done trying to get with Phoenix.

Mandee was an eye opener. She thinks Phoenix is strong, good for her, but I call bullshit. She’s every bit as fucked up as the girl who hides behind her hair and has a hard time even looking into someone’s eyes when they talk to her.

I hear my phone ring from my bedside table and walk back in the house.

“Hello?” I answer.

“How’s it going, man?” It’s Zandor, my high school best friend who I have kept in touch with for years.

“Beautiful up here,” I tell him as I walk back out onto the deck.

“I’m talking about getting back on the horse.” He laughs.

“You mean that fuck app you talked me into?”

“That’s exactly what I mean. You fucking everything that walks like when we were in high school?”

“Had a couple meet-ups.”

Silence, and then a sigh. “Falcon, you’re a fucking stud, man. If you’re having a hard time getting it up, I heard there are pills and shit.”

“Steel, next time I see you, I’m gonna nut punch your ass.”

“That bad? I mean, I’ve heard some stories...” He chuckles. “Profile pics are from ten years ago and shit.”

I don’t say a word.

“You got a fucking tranny, didn’t you?” He laughs his ass off.

“Nut punch with a fucking ball bat,” I sneer.

“You at least fucked her face, right?”

“I’m thinking a fucking sledgehammer now,” I warn.

“Jesus, man, throw a guy a bone.” He cracks up now.

In the background, I hear whispers and know it’s his brothers.

“No, man, he got a tranny,” he tells them.

“The fuck I did!” I yell at him. “You better make damn sure they know that’s shit, Z.”

“You’re on speaker, man. We gotta hear this from the horse’s mouth.” It’s Cyrus.

“You assholes run a billion-dollar business and got nothing better to do than sit around that boardroom like it’s fucking story hour?”

“Nope, not one thing.” It’s Jase. “Tell us about the tranny.”

“There was no fucking tranny, assholes. Just three women and a cockblock.”

“All at once?” Xavier pipes in.

“Shut up, X. Falcon’s gonna tell us the story. Three chicks and a cockblock. That anything like Goldilocks and The Three Bears?” Zandor laughs.

“Let it go,” I warn.

“Once upon a time, there was a hot fucking Jersey stud who yielded a golden fucking hammer. His name was Falcon,” Zandor starts.

“Oh, here we fucking go,” Xavier mutters.

“Enough, Zandor,” I tell him.

“He hadn’t eaten porridge in a long-ass time, and he forgot how damn delectable it was,” he continues, ignoring my warning.

“I remember what pussy tastes like, you fucking asshole,” I almost laugh...almost.

“Yeah, but he forgot that some pooty porridge is too hot.” He chuckles.

“Or too fucking loose,” Jase adds.

“Or too fishy,” Cyrus pipes in.

“Fuck, that’s nasty. You wanna pull back, run from that shit. But at porridge tasting point, you’ve already promised your dick a nice, warm pussy. There is no retreat.” Jase snickers.

“Yeah, Falcon, you just gotta be strong, man.” Xavier is dying now.

“The fuck you do! Pussy ain’t supposed to taste like fish,” Cyrus says in disgust.

“Yeah, but if you’re eating a pussy that’s fishy, you know that chick is about to give up anything ’cause you haven’t run the fuck away like the others,” Xavier chimes in.

“Two words,” Zandor says, serious as fuck. “Fake. Chow.”

“You fucking assholes done yet?” I ask.

“No, man, just getting started,” Zandor says on a laugh. “Unless you’re gonna tell us what’s up.”

“Fine. There’s this girl who seems to be around every damn corner. Three times I’ve been out, three times she’s cockblocked me.”

“Keep going, man.”

“Ends up she’s a tenant here,” I say, leaning back against the railing.

“Nice, man. She an easy bake?” Xavier asks.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Hot and ready?” he answers.

“She’s fucking hot, but nowhere near ready.”

“Bekah needed a preheat,” Zandor tells me. “Fucked her good, and she tried to push me away. They always come back to good dick, Falcon, always.”

“Have you fucked her?” Jase asks.

“No.”

“You tell her straight up you want in that box?” Cyrus asks.

“Yes,” I grumble.

Silence.

“Trust me when I tell you that Phoenix isn’t your typical woman.”

“Phoenix and Falcon. I love that.”

Oh, fuck no. It was Carly, Jase’s wife.

“What the hell? Am I on speaker for all of Steel?” I’m pissed.

“Just us,” another female says. “Hi, Gage.”

“Who the hell is that?”

“That would be mine.” Zandor chuckles.

“Maybe the boys need to take a trip to see you. I mean, until we met the rest of them, we couldn’t really understand our Steel men.” There’s a pause. “It’s Taelyn.”

“Jesus Christ,” I grumble.

“If it helps any, I was glad Cyrus was honest with me. Oh, this is Tara.”

“Kind of figured that,” I reply, annoyed as fuck.

“Right.” She giggles. “Still, maybe we can help convince her you’re a good man.”

“No disrespect, Mrs. Cyrus, but I don’t want to wife her, just let off some steam.” I clear shit up really quick.

“Uh-huh,” several of them say.

I need out of this call.

“Hey, Zandor, nice fucking talk, you dick.” I hang up.