Chapter Twenty-Five
Dax couldn’t sleep. As loath as he was to leave Kyra, he couldn’t just lie there beside her with the splinter of his heart cracking in his head.
As painful as it was for him, he really did understand Kyra’s decision—what parent wouldn’t? But it hurt in a way he’d not expected. There was a moment, a very brief and panic-inducing moment, when he’d almost blurted that he wanted to marry her no matter what. But he caught himself, and he didn’t say it, because it wasn’t exactly true. There was a part of him that was relieved that he wasn’t swearing to honor and cherish until his dying day a woman he’d known a little more than a month. He wasn’t certain about anything about the two of them, other than he believed he did love her, and he loved Ruby, and he was devastated by this sudden turn of events.
He returned to Number Three early the next morning. He was leaving, but not without speaking to Ruby.
The coconut was eating cereal, her feet swinging beneath her chair. Kyra was cleaning up the kitchen and tried to smile, but her expression was full of painful chagrin.
“Mind if I have a word with the coconut?” he asked.
Kyra pressed her lips together and glanced at Ruby. “I haven’t—”
“I know,” he said quietly. Ruby didn’t know about her surgery. She didn’t know anything other than she hated going to doctors’ offices and she liked Barbies and dragonflies and Otto. “I’ll be careful,” he said.
Ruby looked up at that.
“Come on, Coconut,” he said and held out his hand. “Otto and I want to throw some rocks in the lake.”
“You do? You never want to throw rocks in the lake,” she said, wide-eyed.
He couldn’t imagine not seeing those big blue eyes every day, and looked away. “Well, I do today.”
“Awesome!” Ruby said. “Can I, Mommy?”
Kyra’s lips were pressed together again, as if she was trying to hold back words. Or a scream. Dax wouldn’t have been surprised by either. She nodded.
At the lake, they threw some rocks, and Ruby howled with laughter each time Otto dived into the lake to try to catch one before it sank, then paddled back with eager anticipation of the next one. “He doesn’t know they sink,” she said, her voice full of incredulity.
“He’s no genius,” Dax agreed.
Ruby waited for Otto to reach the shore, then squealed when he shook his coat off next to her. She threw another rock.
There was no way to make this easier, so Dax blurted, “So listen, Coconut . . . I want to tell you something.”
“What?” She threw another rock.
“I’m going away for a while.”
Ruby stopped throwing rocks and turned around to him, her legs braced apart, her long braid hanging over her shoulder. She peered at him through the rims of her blue glasses. “Where?”
“Vacation.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been working hard and I need a break.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I need time off from working.” What he really needed was time off from life.
“Why can’t you not work here? You can play with me. That’s not working.”
He smiled and tugged on her braid. “I need to go away, Coconut.”
She studied him with a shrewdness that belied her youth. “Are you mad at Mommy?”
He arched a brow in surprise. “No. Not at all.”
“Then . . . don’t you like us anymore?”
Dax didn’t know how it had moved so quickly from his taking some time off to questions about his feelings for her and her mother, but he was suddenly asea, swimming for any hold. “Like you? Listen, Coconut, I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told another little girl. I love you. Do you understand? I love you. So don’t ever let me hear you say I don’t like you, okay?”
“Then why are you going away?” she asked, and her bottom lip began to tremble.
Jesus. “Because sometimes things change, Coconut,” he said and reached for her hand. “I wish they didn’t have to change, but that’s life, kid.” He roughly pulled her into his embrace, unable to look into her face and see her disappointment. She smelled like lake water and honey and sunbeams. She smelled like summer and brightness and love.
“Are you going to take Otto and Jonathan with you?” she asked, her breath warm against his neck.
“Yeah. Someone has to feed them, right?”
“But . . . are you ever coming back?” she asked, her voice full of tears now.
Dax felt himself on the verge of breaking in two. “Yes, I’m coming back, Ruby—right here. I’ll be right here.” His voice was hoarse with emotion. God, but he loved this kid, and as tears began to cloud his vision, she began to squirm. “I can’t breathe,” she said very dramatically.
He reluctantly let her go. He let the coconut go.
Ruby seemed to accept the news and began to look for more rocks, chattering about how many of them there were. After she’d thrown a few more, he reluctantly returned her to her mother.
His good-bye to Kyra had been said last night for all intents and purposes, and neither of them seemed to want to rehash it. Dax tried to think of what else to say, but his heart was so full of many conflicting emotions that it seemed as if his brain was unable to function effectively. He could only gaze at her, imprinting her on his mind’s eye.
Kyra shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “I feel like someone died.”
Dax nodded. “Yeah,” he said. He felt worse than that. Like he was the one who’d died.
“How long will you be gone?”
He shrugged. “I’m going to spend some time with Jonathan. Then maybe do a little fishing.”
She nodded. She came down off the porch steps and walked right up to him and wrapped her hands around his. “I’ll call you and let you know what’s up.”
“That would be great,” he said. “I’m going to worry about her. And you.”
“Dax . . . I can’t thank you—”
“Don’t,” he said sharply. The last thing he wanted to hear from her was a thank-you for loving her daughter. For loving her. His heart was cleaving for a second time, and he didn’t want to be thanked for it. “Take care of yourself,” he said and kissed her forehead.
And then he retreated. His heart went back into its box and slammed the door shut. He untangled his fingers from hers. “See you,” he said and turned his back on Number Three.
The sixty feet back to Number Two were the hardest and longest walk of his life.
After a couple of days holed up in a hotel in Teaneck so that he could spend some time with Jonathan, Dax ended up in Montauk on Long Island, where he hired an old salt to take him out on Fresh Pond for three days in a row to fish. Dax didn’t really know much about fishing, and he sucked at it. Worse, Otto kept jumping out of the boat and disturbing the waters. Dax had to haul him back into the boat and leash him.
When the old man—Kirk was his name—figured out that Dax wasn’t going to carry his end of the conversation, he turned to philosophy. Each day, he launched into a new lecture: Politics. Obamacare. Russia. On the last day of Dax’s beach rental, old Kirk decided it was time to wax philosophical on affairs of the heart.
“Had more than one guest out here nursing a broken heart,” he said. “You know the best way to get over it, don’t you?”
Dax said nothing.
“You think I’m going to say fishing, but I’m not. I’m going to say a man’s broken heart is mended when he jumps back into the pond. Not this pond, of course, but the lady pond. The thing about guys is, we’re adaptable. Sure, we get attached, but I tell you what, when a good pair of tits and a fine ass come along, we can get over it. You know what I mean, there, Dax?”
Dax said nothing. As Kirk appeared to be single, and by the look of things had no prospects, Dax didn’t think he was qualified to give advice. And besides, he wasn’t finished brooding yet.
“Now, I don’t know your problem, but I’m pretty sure that piece of advice would help you out. Lady pond, or, if you prefer, the boy pond. Whatever floats your boat—don’t make me no difference.”
Dax said nothing.
He was trying not to hate himself too much. His heart had untangled itself, and he realized he could be such a goddamn fool sometimes. There was a part of him that had felt a little out of control with his sudden marriage proposal, and once she’d ended it, he had scurried like a rat back to square one, where he felt safest. But nothing worth having was easy, was it?
After much reflection—too much reflection, maybe—it occurred to Dax that he might have done a little less we’ll develop our relationship over time talk and a little more I think I’m falling in love with you talk with Kyra. The problem with that, he’d figured out, was that it was hard to admit as much to himself. There was a part of him that felt insecure, and feared that if he put his heart on the line like that, it would be broken again.
Yeah, well, he hadn’t put his heart on the line, and look how broken it was now.
After a few days of Kirk’s never-ending stream of advice, Dax headed back to Lake Haven.
Number Three was empty, as he knew it would be. Kyra had texted him the day they left. I wish you were here to say good-bye. Ruby has been asking about you.
That got him worse than anything.
Now that Dax was back in East Beach, the place felt ridiculously empty and secluded without Ruby nosing into his business. Without her mother slamming doors and waving across the lawn. Even Otto seemed depressed. He would go from one door to the other and lie down with a heavy sigh, his gaze fixed on something outside.
Dax started working on the coffee tables for the resort, but in his spare time he was making something else: a Barbie mansion. The front came off, and inside there were built-ins, a model kitchen, and bathrooms. Five Barbies could live in this house at once. It was probably too big, but he figured that many Barbies needed their space.
One afternoon, Otto started barking, and Dax walked to the door to see what the commotion was about. A family with canoes strapped to the hood of their enormous SUV was unloading at Number Four. It looked like they had four kids, maybe five.
Dax looked at Otto. “Just great. How long do you think it will be before one of those snot-nosed munchkins is over here?”
Otto wagged his tail with great delight. He obviously hoped it would be very soon.
On his wall, Dax had a calendar where he marked the days leading to Ruby’s surgery. He’d texted Kyra to ask about it. Week after next, she’d texted back. There was a bit of a hang-up with red tape over insurance, but it’s worked out now. Ruby started school. She loves it.
He’d studied that text, debating his next one. How are you? he finally texted.
Hanging in there. You?
He was miserable, that was what. He was walking through each day in a fog. Hanging in there, he texted back.
He thought about calling her and having a conversation, but he couldn’t trust himself not to lose his composure, and besides, she had enough on her plate without having to cover old ground. He told himself the less he knew about Kyra, the more control he had of his emotions. But God, did he miss her. He missed them both so badly that sometimes it was a physical ache, like a flu in his bones.
Dax was grateful to the McCauleys for not mentioning the disastrous end of his short engagement. In fact, they didn’t mention Kyra and Ruby at all, as if they sensed the mere mention of their names might cause him to combust.
Dax mentioned his need for a bigger workspace, and Mr. McCauley told him he had a barn on some property nearby. After looking at it, Dax made a deal to convert it into a new, larger workspace than his shed.
“Does this mean you’re going to stay on at East Beach?” Mr. McCauley asked.
He wanted to move to Teaneck to be near Jonathan, and had even gone so far as to look at some properties online. But something was holding him back—he’d told Ruby he’d be here. Right here. And until he knew in all certainty they weren’t coming back, he was going to stay here. “Maybe,” he said. “For now, anyway.”
“Well, that’s fine with us,” Mr. McCauley said. “We’ve taken a liking to you, son.”
Wallace and Janet, however, were much less sympathetic when they learned the wedding was off.
Oh, but they went on about it. “What were you thinking, anyway?” Wallace asked. “I thought we were going to have to straitjacket you to keep you from being stupid.”
“Do you want me to call Heather?” Janet asked.
And all sorts of nonsense that Dax ignored.
The only bright light in his life was Jonathan. His son was smiling now and holding his head up. “He’s strong,” Dax said proudly to anyone who asked. He loved that baby fiercely and would have walked across hot coals for that kid.
On one particular visit, he was lying on the floor with Jonathan, studying the baby’s perfection as he lay on the floor on his belly, surveying the world around him.
“Are you okay?” Ashley asked.
Dax looked up in surprise. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I just know you, and I know how you must feel right now.”
He’d had to tell Ashley about Kyra and Ruby, of course, because he’d opened his fat mouth and let her in on his personal business. Ashley had been sympathetic to the demise of his hastily arranged, and hastily abandoned, wedding. “I’m fine.”
It was a lie. The truth was that he couldn’t stop thinking about Kyra. It had been a few weeks since they’d left, and his heartache wasn’t getting better.
“You don’t seem fine, Dax. You seem so sad,” Ashley said.
Good God, were they really going to have this conversation? “Ashley, please—let me just enjoy my son, okay?”
Ashley sighed as if she were dealing with a recalcitrant child. She shrugged.
“If it were me,” Stephanie said from her throne at the kitchen table, “I’d go get her.”
Dax rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know what you would do, Steph. You went and got my wife, remember?”
“No, you’re not hearing me, jackass.” She stood up and walked over to where he was lying on the floor with Jonathan. “If you love her, and you want her, then man up and go and tell her so.”
“Have you heard anything that’s been said the last two months?” he snapped. “She’s in Indianapolis so her daughter can have brain surgery. Brain surgery. It’s not the time or the place for that.”
“Yeah, and why not?” Stephanie answered smartly. “You act like she’s in China behind the Great Wall and you can’t get to her. If that’s who you want, Dax, you have to fight for it. Don’t be a pussy.”
“Steph!” Ashley protested.
“Thanks for your sage advice,” Dax muttered.
But that afternoon, as he drove back to Lake Haven, he had to agree that maybe Stephanie was right—which annoyed him to no end, but still.
He figured he’d wallowed in his despair long enough. He didn’t want to live like a sad-sack shut-in all his life. His feelings for the Coconuts hadn’t changed, and maybe the wedding had been a bad idea, but it didn’t change his feelings. He loved those two.
Maybe it was time to make a stand. But no matter what else, Dax decided his self-pity was coming to an end.