CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
We're all messed up
Theo
“We had a small setback,” Dr. Butler said to me as I stood outside Felicity’s door. I had expected to see her this morning, but when I arrived, they told me I had to speak with him first. She sat in the middle of her bed, looking out the window, her legs tucked into her chest.
“What kind of setback?”
“She’s not being honest with herself. For some reason she has been able to come terms with living a lie for the last six years, but she cannot accept her condition nor does she want to talk about anything. For someone to be in that deep of a hallucination and not want to talk about it afterwards… it’s not healthy, and no medicine can fix that.”
“So what do you want to do?”
“Keep her for another three weeks with minimal contact from you or anyone else until she’s ready to face herself.”
Sighing, I nodded and crossed my arms. “You all said the fact that she hadn’t hurt herself or others on top of maintaining a stable life while off medication proves that all she needed was to start focusing on getting back on the meds for the hallucinations.”
“Mr. Darcy, it’s been six years. We started her treatment three weeks ago. We have no idea how it’s truly affecting her—”
“That’s right, she’s been alone for six years. Do you really believe keeping her locked away here, with no one she knows, is the right call?”
He frowned, pushing his glasses farther up his bent nose. “We can’t keep her here since she only volunteered to stay for three weeks. But I believe you should advise her any way you can to take this more seriously and to stay a bit longer. You can go in.”
I was torn. On the one hand I wanted her to come back with me. But on the other, I didn’t want to hinder her from getting the help she needed.
Pushing open the door, I stepped into the room. She didn’t look at me, though. She just kept her eyes glued on the ocean outside her window. Moving to the bed, I sat down beside her.
“Felicity?”
She turned to me, her whole face brightening, and she reached out and cupped the side of my face. “Please tell me you’re really here?”
Placing my hand over top of hers, I nodded. “I’m really here. Miss me?”
She leaped into my arms, hugging me tighter than I thought possible.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Oh, please tell me you’re getting me out of here today.”
She looked so happy all of a sudden. “I was hoping to.” The moment I said those four words, the smile on her face died.
“Was is past tense,” She replied, brushing her hair behind her ears. “Meaning you no longer want to?”
Squeezing her hand, I held it tightly. “I want to, Felicity. I really do, but your doctor doesn’t think you’re ready.”
“He’ll never think I’m ready.” She groaned, annoyed. “Theo, I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t. I feel like I’m dying and no one can hear me. I’ve taken my medicine. Mark and Cleo are gone! I’m not crazy, and this place isn’t for me. Every part of me is telling me to leave. Please don’t make me stay. Please.”
I wanted to trust her. I wanted to believe she was ready. But I kept remembering how broken she’d been in my arms, sobbing in front of her storage closet.
“Felicity—”
“I’m leaving today. Should I get a taxi?”
I shook my head. “Pack up. We’ll leave when you’re ready.”
She grinned, getting off the bed and pointing to the bag beside her. “I have everything I need already. I’ve been waiting for you.”
God, I hoped we were making the right choice.
Felicity
11:25 a.m.
Dr. Butler was not pleased in the slightest with us leaving after I got my medication and prescription. He kept trying to talk me out of it up to the moment I signed my release. It felt like déjà vu.
“Mark, I swear, move over!” Cleo hissed.
“There is nowhere to move to!” he hollered as they both tried to squeeze into the front seat, Cleo on his lap.
I did my best not to respond. Part of me hoped they would just go away. But the more I ignored them, the dumber they seemed to become, like they were trying anything at this point to get me to notice them.
“Felicity. Felicity?”
“Huh? Yes?” I faced Theo, who was watching me carefully. “Sorry, I’m just happy to be free now. What were you saying?”
“I asked where would you like to go. Back to your condo—”
“No,” I replied. Going there would make me remember everything all at once, how I used to talk to myself, thinking it was to them. Drinking wine and laughing by myself in front of the television. It was too depressing. I had somewhere else in mind. “Do you mind if we stop at the beach?”
“Nolan,” he said, and the car turned left toward the waterfront. Winding down the window, I stuck my hand out. “I missed the ocean so much, and the funniest thing is I didn’t even go that often.”
“There was a beach at Crossroads. Why didn’t you go then?”
“I was on suicide watch my first week there. The second week I could barely get out of bed because of how the drugs made me feel. The third week it was counseling, and someone was always hovering. No matter how nice the rooms are, or how great the view, a prison is still a prison,” I replied. I didn’t want to talk about Crossroads, but I guess I couldn’t just have a breakdown and come back like it had never happened.
“I don’t know why they wanted to keep you longer. You’re perfectly rational to me,” Mark said up front.
“You really hated it,” Theo whispered, and the tone of his voice got me to face him. He was looking at me with a blank expression on his face, as if he wasn’t sure how he felt.
I found it interesting that he always kept such a calm and cool demeanor about things. Like nothing threw him off his game. “Yeah, I hated it. But I needed it. I just don’t want it to become all that’s left of me.”
“We’re here, sir.” Nolan parked the car.
Unlocking my seatbelt, I didn’t even wait for either of them, grabbing my pack and jumping out of the car.
“Freedom!” I yelled, throwing my arms in the air before pulling off my flats and running down to the beach. The sand broke underneath the weight of my feet, going between my toes.
I was racing to the water when Theo reached out and held on to me.
“Felicity, be careful and don’t go too far.”
I saw the same worry, fear, and even pity in his eyes I’d seen in the staff at Crossroads.
“Let go of me.” I pulled away, brushing my hair back. “You thought I was going to hurt myself.”
“Felicity—”
“I know that look, Theo, believe me. It’s the one I’m running away from. It’s the one everyone keeps giving me, the she’s insane look. But I—I just want to be Felicity and spend one normal day at the beach with the guy I like. If you’re going to be here, please be that guy and not another doctor. Please.”
He pulled a phone out of his pocket when it rang. “Your phone broke. I’m sorry. I know it was important to you. It’s back at your house. I got you a new one. Rosemary has been trying reach you.”
“It’s the last present my dad gave me. I think I held on to it because I was holding on to him. It’s good it broke,” I lied, taking the phone from him and sliding the green button. Rosemary popped up in a video chat.
“Oh my god, I’ve missed you! Are you all right?”
Smiling, I waved to her. “I’m fine, and I missed you too. I even missed Manny.”
“Yeah, I kind of miss his bitching too.”
“What do you mean? Where are you?”
She moved the camera around for me to see. “Hawaii.”
“With a certain petty officer I used to know?” I grinned and so did she, turning the phone so I could see the dark head of hair on the pillow beside her.
“Rosemary Jones!”
“I know!” She got out of bed and went out to the balcony. The first thing I saw was the trees, the green bright trees, and I heard water rushing behind her. It reminded me of when Theo and I had gone to Ambler.
“You look so happy, Rosemary, and it makes me happy for you. I’m glad you called because I wanted to say sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
Taking a seat on the sand, I bit my bottom lip to keep from crying, something I did a lot lately when I thought of everything that made me feel this way.
“Felicity?”
“Looking back, I wasn’t a good friend,” I said to her. “Hell, I can barely be considered a friend. I’ve always only thought of me. I’m sorry for being so selfish. Thank you for being you, I guess I’m trying to say.”
“Just because we weren’t braiding each other’s hair doesn’t mean we weren’t friends. I could give you a thousand examples of how you’ve help me without even thinking about it. Besides, I wouldn’t have had to the guts to come to Hawaii if it weren’t for you. When I get back, why don’t we have our very first girls’ night?”
“Sure. Just don’t come back too soon. Enjoy Hawaii.”
She was about to say something when someone called her. “I’ll call you back later! And oh… Theo is pretty amazing.”
“I know. Bye.” I waved once more before hanging up. I noticed email had been set up. Clicking on it, the very first thing I saw was his name, Theodore Darcy, over and over again in my inbox. Scrolling down, I went to the very first one.
Date: Wed, June 14th
Subject: The sun
Felicity,
I have no idea what I am doing or what I should say. I keep asking myself, how did I get her? What was it that made it impossible for me to get you out of my head even from the beginning? The answer, well, it’s complicated. At first it was your music. The moment I heard you play, it felt like someone else understood everything I couldn’t say out loud.
I have a decent family.
I have a job I truly enjoy and get paid more than some people could ever dare to dream, yet I felt empty all the time. It makes me feel guilty. There are people living far worse lives than me. There are people out there truly suffering. What right do I have to be depressed?
I was frustrated with myself and the world around me.
Then suddenly you appeared in my life, and you were like the sun. You made everything brighter. Everything seems at little darker when you’re gone.
Theodore Darcy
CEO Darcy entertainment
Date: Sat, June 17th
Subject: Mrs. Beauchamp
Margaret,
Today I got a copy of the scene from our movie debut in North Carolina. It’s safe to say you would look beautiful in any decade. You did an awful job sewing that handkerchief, but I think it actually made the scene more charming. Truth is I miss Ambler. It felt like everything was perfect there. Part of me wishes I could turn back the clock and stay in the moment. What do you think would have happened if we hadn’t come back?
Ernest Beauchamp, a man with too many regrets
Date: Tues., June 20th
Subject: God, I hate Mondays.
This morning I could have sworn I heard you call me, and I rolled over and sure as hell I fell of my bed. I lay on the ground completely stunned before laughing at myself. As you can see, I’m not at all as put together as I seem. In fact, I think on the inside I’m a total mess. Today more than any other day. Today was my mother’s birthday. But I’m pretty sure my birth father thinks it’s mine because yet again this year I got a gift from him. He’s in Bangkok. So he sent me one of those large hats the people use to block the sun. I’ll save it for you to figure out what to do with. I was tempted to fling it out the window.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing all right and at least finding one thing to laugh about, even if it’s yourself. No one out here is really any better than you in there.
I wonder if that’s comforting news?
Theodore
“Mind if I sit here?”
Theo stood beside me with his shoes off, his feet buried in the sand.
“I don’t know, my boyfriend could get jealous.” I smirked when he sat down.
“Really, a boyfriend? You sound serious about him.”
Rolling my eyes, I nodded. “Yeah. I keep trying to walk away from him because he’s a little too perfect for me. I keep wondering, what if I screw up his life as much as I’ve screwed up mine? I’m also scared of what would happen if he realizes this and leaves. So I do what I do best and run. But he’s a runner, so he always catches up to me.”
“He sounds serious too. What does this guy look like? Handsome? Tall? Highly intelligent—”
“Now you’re just fishing for compliments!” I laughed.
“You can’t blame a guy for trying.” He grinned.
Placing my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes, exhaling deeply. “You’re one of a kind, Theodore Darcy.”
“That’s the second time you’ve said that.”
So he’d heard me the first time. “I meant it both times.”
Theo
Placing the blanket over her, I turned off the bedside lamp. I headed out of my bedroom as the front door to my penthouse opened and Arty came in, still holding his motorcycle helmet.
“When I gave you the access code, I didn’t me for you to come over whenever you felt like it,” I told him, rolling up my sleeves.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he snapped at me. “Why in the hell would you say those things to Mom?”
“Don’t yell. Felicity is sleeping—”
“Who gives a fuck about Felicity—”
“I do, and if you can’t get over that, it’s best you leave now,” I replied. “What is wrong with you? Why are your eyes—Arty, you better not be on that shit again.”
“You’re worried about me?” He laughed, shaking his head. All of him looked like he was shaking. He was pale and sweaty. “Don’t fucking worry about me! Worry about yourself! You’re the one who’s dating an insane chick. Like certifiably insane. I’m talking about the Mom you know, the woman who raised you for over twenty years! You’re her golden boy, right? Then why did you bring her to tears yesterday when you ripped her and Dad a new one?”
“Arty, I’m not doing this with you. Not when you’re like this. When you need help—”
“I’m fine. I just want to understand how you met a woman who came to a party looking for a sugar daddy, who turned out to be crazy, and then decided she was the most important thing to you? Screw your family. This girl, yeah, she’s the one? Mom was worried—”
“Lorelai was worried about her image! The Darcy image, the same thing she has been worried about since the day I came into this family. What do you want me to do? Go back and apologize for telling her the truth? I don’t care—”
“You should! Who the hell are you right now? I get it. All your life you’ve been the brooding, silent, suffering Theodore. You’re pissed at Mom for looking down at people when you do the same goddamn thing to her and all her friends for being rich.”
“It is not the same,” I snapped, closing the gap between us. “It’s not the money that bothers me, it’s the contempt she and you and everyone else seems to have toward people who aren’t in the same tax bracket. If you call her crazy or insane one more time, I will knock your teeth in.”
“Screw you, Theo. If you don’t want to be part of this family, fine. Just remember pity isn’t love.”
“Funny, the last person you were in love with was Violet, wasn’t it?” I said, and his eyes widened. “You think I didn’t know?”
He clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t know what you think you know, but you’re wrong. If only you were as dedicated to her as you are to Felicity. She just wasn’t damaged enough for you, was that it? Or aren’t you using Felicity as penance for the fact you weren’t with your mother as she died?”
“Get. Out,” I hissed through my teeth.
“You disgust me. You’re not even a man and you’re insane—”
Like I’d promised, I pulled my fist back smashed it into his nose. He stumbled back, gripping the bridge of his nose before wiping the blood from it.
“I warned you, didn’t I?”
“You son of a bitch!” he muttered then charged at me. He got one good punch at the side of my face right next to my eye, sending us both backward over the couch. Flipping us over, struggling on the surface of the couch, we landed back on the glass. However, I didn’t care. I pinned him to the ground and he struggled, grabbing my arm as I held on to his throat.
“When have you ever been able to beat me, Arty? Huh?”
“Theo! Let him go,” Felicity yelled, running up behind me and pulling on my arm. “Look at his face! He’s turning blue!”
Urgh! Getting got up off him, I put as much space between us as possible. “Get out or I’ll throw you out, Arty.”
Felicity tried to help him up, but he smacked her hands away. I was tempted to go back and smash his head off. Felicity took a step back, blocking my path.
“This is all your fault.” He sneered at her, snatching his helmet on the way out.
“It’s always someone’s fault, Arty, never yours!” I yelled. The door slammed. Running my hands through my hair, I took a deep breath. Damn him! Reaching into my pocket, I took out my phone. “Nolan, my brother just left. He’s impaired—yes, thank you.”
“Your hand is bleeding.”
Felicity returned from the kitchen with a first aid kit. I looked down at my hands and sure enough, they were bleeding from the broken glass.
“Sit,” she commanded, opening the box.
“I’m fine—”
“It’s either me or a doctor, Mr. Darcy, but you really need to get the glass out.”
Sitting across from her, I leaned against the windows that overlooked the city.
“How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it, I think,” she replied, staring closely at my hand with a pair of tweezers between her fingertips. “I was just going to ignore it when I heard the glass break. Good thing too, because it looked like you were going to kill him.”
I might have.
“This is what Arty does. He gets better, then he gets worse, then he finds me and we fight, and then he tries to pick the pieces of himself up all over again. I’ve tried to help him, but he doesn’t want that, he just wants to fight me. No one else, just me.”
“I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad that you make it your mission to try and save everyone, not just me,” she muttered, and I winced at the glass. “Sorry.”
“I’m not trying to save him. I’m trying to….” I drifted off because in a way, I was seeking to save him. I wanted him to move on from whatever it was that was hurting him so badly. “Don’t compare yourself to him. With you, it’s not like….”
“It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose. I didn’t make myself this way.” She smiled, finishing my thought, and I nodded. “I don’t think Arty is trying to do it either. I knew an addict once, and he said drugs are the doors to wonderland. Nothing seems real, but everything is beautiful in that one moment, and it becomes a fun escape until you want to leave and you realized you’re trapped.”
“What happened to him, your friend?” I asked as she dabbed the alcohol on each one of my scars gently.
She paused and glanced up me. “He’s somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wife and son. He made it out of the rabbit hole and now works as an illustrator, which is great because when we worked at Disney, he was an awesome Beast.”
“So you’re saying while you worked at Disney, crushing young girls’ princess dreams, the Beast was working through his drug addiction?” I tried not to laugh. The happiest place on Earth didn’t seem that happy anymore.
“What can I say, everyone is a little bit messed up.” She rolled a bandage over the palm of my hand.
“Did they teach you this at princess training?”
A sad smile spread over her lips. “My mother used to break things when she got upset. I learned watching her nurses help her.”
“I went to see your dad,” I said, and she didn’t stop working on my hand. It was almost like she didn’t hear me.
“Let me guess. He told you couldn’t watch me end up like her?”
I nodded.
She sighed and finished with my hand. “I remember him telling me that over the phone. He told me he loved me so much he couldn’t bear to watch me suffer, and if I needed anything to call, but I should just stay at Crossroads.”
Now I wished I had hit him when I’d had the chance. I rested my head on her lap. She ran her hand though my hair.
“Growing up, I felt bad for not being by mom’s side when she was sick. But I don’t want you to think that’s why I’m here with you.”
“I know. I trust you. I don’t think I love you, I know I do,” she confessed, and I stared at her completely shocked, fighting the grin on my face.
“Say it again.” Reaching up, I cupped her cheek.
“You couldn’t just let me slip it in there?”
Shaking my head, I grinned. “Sorry. I’m going to make a big deal out of it.”
She made a face but then smiled. “I love you, Theodore Darcy.”
Rising to my feet, I reached down, not caring my hand ached, and lifted her off the floor. She wrapped her arms around my neck, a grin on her face.
“It’s been a while, you think you can still keep up?”
“I’ll manage,” I said, flipping her over my shoulder and smacking her ass. She giggled, twisting in my arms.