I know the smell and when I open my eyes, I know the pain. The reason I'm laid up is the bull, I remember that much. My eyes go wide when I remember Will. Will and the damn bull. God he was stupid. I hope he's okay. He has to be okay. I saw him on the other side of the pen. He was safe. Unless he jumped back in like he was trying to...
"Kinlee?" It's the first word out of my dry mouth and I try to turn my head, but I can't. I'm completely immobile.
"Shh, I'm here, Bo. I'm right here." She leans over me, her hand resting on my cheek and she smiles, her eyes glistening with tears. "Hey, baby."
"Will?" I ask, my heart racing.
"He's fine. He's going to be just fine. Don't worry about him now." Her hand gives mine a gentle squeeze.
I exhale and close my eyes. This is a bad déjà vu. Except it's actually happened. I've been in this situation twice.
"What'd anyone say, Kinlee? Have you talked to a doctor? What'd they say?" I start to panic because the first time I went through this, I was told I wouldn't function the same again, but I was defying that odd. And right now, I can't move. The only thing I can feel moving is the fingers on my left hand.
"Baby," she whispers, then glances up before smiling back down at me. "Maybe you should rest for a bit, until the doctor gets in here."
"I'll let them know you're awake," Brandt's voice comes from the other side of the room.
"Shit, Kinlee," I whisper and can't even move my arms to cover my face to hide the start of tears I shouldn't be crying. They're not pain, they're pity. I'm pitying myself right now. I've already gone through this.
"No, no, Bo, hey. You're alive. You're gonna be just fine." Kinlee swipes away the tears and her trembling hands cup my face gently, her eyes locking on mine. "You're strong and stubborn, Bobby Hart. Whatever that doctor tells you, just remember that, okay?"
I turn my head the slightest to kiss the palm of her hand. "I love you."
"I love you so much, Bo," she whispers. "We'll get through this."
My eyes dart to the door and Brandt's walking in with a doctor behind him.
"Mr. Hart." The doctor smiles and heads toward my bed with a stack of papers in his hands. "How are you feeling?"
"Like an invalid, doc. When can I move? When can I get out of here? Give me something good." I move my hand the miniscule amount I can, hoping Kinlee sees, and it only takes her a second to grab it.
"It's not good. You broke your back again. We flew in Doctor Ruth, the original surgeon and combined we worked some magic but only time will tell. But you're going to be in this position for awhile. You’ve got extensive nerve damage and I don’t have hope for the right half of your body. My bet? You probably won’t ever walk again. Maybe with some help. This is the price we pay when fighting with bulls, Mr. Hart. I'll be back by this afternoon with Doctor Ruth. Get your rest. Young lady." He turns to Kinlee. "Make sure he gets his rest. You died, Bobby." He looks at me with a scowl. "You're lucky we know what we're doing here."
"What?" I shift as much as I can but the right side of my body ain't helping nothing. The doctor's gone, but my eyes find Kinlee. "Why'd he say that?" I look at Brandt. "Someone better damn tell me why he said that!" I blurt and wince from getting too worked up.
"Calm down, Bo." Brandt says, glancing at Kinlee. "I'm gonna grab some coffee for us and leave you to this." He pats my bed before he heads out of the room and Kinlee is watching me with worry written all over her face.
"Um... So where to start." She sighs and sits, taking my hand again. "Your surgery was nine excruciating hours. We're at Mercy, in the city. They had to fly you in." She clears her throat.
"Kinlee, he said I died," I grit out. "I don't want all the details right now, darlin', I just want to know what the fuck he's talking about. He obviously ain't got the time of day for me right now." I grit my teeth thinking about the money I will spend for this and can't even get the common courtesy of talking to a doctor for more than five seconds.
"You flatlined on the operating table, Bo," she whispers. "Almost two full minutes. I just found out a couple hours ago. They told me there were complications." She pauses and shakes her head. "I was so scared I'd never see you alive again."
Holy shit. I literally died.
I start to rasp out a chuckle that hurts like hell. "That bastard tried to kill me." I grin, though there's nothing funny about this. "I'll get rid of the bull," I mutter, knowing she's gonna damn well make me even if I don't want to.
"Nothing about this is funny, Bo." Her eyebrows furrow and she pulls her hand from mine, shoving her hair out of her face. "When I found you out there, twisted and not responsive? I watched my worst fear play out right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything to help you. Then you died on that table. That's...not funny. That's terrifying."
"I told you I'd always come home to you." I close my eyes.
She sniffles and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "You saved Will's life. Thank you. I'm sorry my brother's brain-dead at times, but thank you for putting your life on the line to save his."
"You three will always come first." I'm trying to stay awake but I'm losing the fight. "You'll stay?" I mumble, not able to open my eyes to look at her.
"Always," she whispers.
I wake up to laughter downstairs and smile hearing the twins. I was in the hospital for weeks, doing more damage than good because I hated it there. The second we got home, I felt as if I had an actual chance at recovery. There's still no feeling on my right side and doc said there probably never will be again. With the way things have been going, I'm starting to believe him. And I'm starting to think I won't ever be walking again.
The kids' happiness makes me know everything's alright, until I hear a voice I don't recognize. I ring the god-forsaken bell Kinlee left. I try not to use it but sometimes there are no choices. I hate beckoning her like this. I'd rather use my voice, but screaming ain't the best for my condition. Not to mention, she's not my damn nurse...even though that's what she's become.
She walks into the room, hair on the top of her head, tiny little shorts and tank top, smiling bright. "Yeah, babe?"
"Who's here? Garrison Kenshaw?" I ask, wondering if it's Brandt's dad, but it doesn't sound like him.
"Garrison? No, Chase stopped in to see how you're doin'. He's staying for breakfast." She sits on the bed next to me and checks the pad of paper on the nightstand. "You're almost due for more pain pills. How ya feeling?"
"I'd sooner expect Garrison in my house over Chase Haring," I snap. "I'm glad y’all have someone to fill my empty spot. I don't need pills right now, thank you." I'm pissed he's in my house with my girl and her siblings. Sitting at my table where I should be but I can't even move my head without help.
"You're mad that my friend...our friend...came to check on you?" She huffs, letting out an annoyed laugh.
"I ain't mad, Kinlee. Go get back to breakfast." I close my eyes, really wishing I could roll without help.
"You're pissed, Bo," she whispers. "And that's not fair. Chase worries about you. About all of us." Her hand rests on my arm. "If it were Jo would you be reacting this way?"
"Have you ever fucked Jo?" I quietly snap, glaring at her.
"If I said yes..?" She smirks then laughs. "I don't walk around holding a grudge against everyone you've fucked, Bo. And Chase and I are nothing more than friends."
"That's a good thing because Cassidy Jude is comin' into town. She's the nurse that helped me with my previous injury. We dated awhile afterward. She wants to stop in." I haven't talked to Cassidy since I broke up with her at a horse race. But if Kinlee don't see my point, I'll have to take it up with Chase.
I don't care he's her friend. I care the last time I saw the guy he was starting trouble with me just because he wanted to and now he's showing up concerned. He's concerned alright. Concerned where he don't need to be concerned.
Her eyes narrow at me and she moves her hand from my arm. "Talking to an ex just to spite my friendship with one of my closest friends isn't right, Bo. That's just mean spirited. Chase means no harm. It's actually nice having someone in this house that isn't being a dick to me just for trying." She pushes off the bed to stand. "I'll bring you more meds before the pain gets outta control."
"Maybe you should head to his house if I'm a dick," I mutter. "Heads up would have been nice, Kinlee. That’s all I'm asking while I'm laid up in bed unable to know what's goin' on beyond that fuckin' door."
"I didn't know he was comin' over till he knocked on the front door, Bo," she hisses. "Maybe you should stop talkin' before you dig yourself a hole so deep you can't get out of it." She walks out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
I'm already in a fuckin' hole I can't get out of. And I'm not sorry I'm pissed he's here. He's concerned enough he's cozying up to them, but don't make his presence known in my house. The asshole's got my number. And apparently she gave him my address.
When she returns ten minutes later, she has pain pills and milk. "Come on, let's sit you up so you can take these." She sets the pills on the table and rests her hands on her hips, staring at me like I'm useless. Or maybe that's just what I think. "I'm sorry, Bo. I hate you feel that way about Chase, so I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. I wish you understood our friendship more."
"I don't need to understand nothin' more, Kinlee." I'm no help whatsoever as she gets on the bed and starts moving me to a sitting position. With her help, I can sit up, but I can't get into the position on my own. "I grew up with him. I know who he is, what he's about. I don't want to hear nothing else about it. Thank you for these." With my left hand, I take the pills from her palm, almost dropping them.
"You're welcome," she whispers, setting the cup on the nightstand after I swallow my pills. "Try to rest, okay?" After helping me lay back down, she pushes her lips to mine. "I love you, Bo."
I move as quick as I possibly can to grab her arm and look into her eyes. She means the damn words and I don't know how. How can you love a useless man?
"I love you too." I glance toward the open door when I hear the twins' laughter before the front door slams. Maybe they took Chase with them. I'm sure they prefer his company over mine lately.
After making sure my pillows are situated so I'm comfortable, she smiles at me, but I don't bother with a reaction. "I'm gonna go clean up before they get back inside. The four of us have a movie afternoon planned."
Them kids don't want to be trapped at my side forced to watch a movie. They want activity and fun. She heads out, leaving the door cracked this time and I close my eyes trying to fall asleep. Trying to ignore the fact that man's in my house and I'm stuck in here like an invalid.
"I think maybe you should head out, Chase," I hear Kinlee say, and my eyes fly open.
"I just got here a little bit ago," he retorts.
"I know..." Her voice is muffled then I hear, "Next time you should call first too."
"I never called before." He chuckles and I would love to punch the smug look I know is on his face right now. "Sunday breakfast."
"Chase, it's been months since we've had a Sunday breakfast. And that was at my house. It's different now," she says, trying to whisper but her voice travels more than she thinks it does. I move slowly for my phone, trying not to roll out of this damn bed. When I grab it, I'm not in the most comfortable position anymore, but I'll deal with that later. I pull up the security camera app and find which room she's in. There are only a few cameras around the house, all pointed at the doors to get in and out, and I find her in the kitchen at the back door with the asshole.
"Different how? I don't think Bo moved you in here thinking this is his house you're living in. When you move in a girlfriend, the house becomes one." He's right there. "At least that's the kind of love I'm used to. Maybe you don't belong here, Kinlee." But completely wrong there.
"Don't tell me where I belong, Chase. You know exactly what I'm talkin' about. Bo's laid up in bed, we got shit everywhere because the kids don't pick up after themselves. I'm exhausted and burnin' both ends rapidly. I'd just like a text or a call first, making sure it's all good. Common courtesy, that's all."
"You know I've never really been courteous." He chuckles and that's the damn truth. "Next time I'll call. Tell Bo I said take it easy. And maybe I'll see you again one day," he mumbles in a sulky tone. He's got the right idea with the wrong words and that's why I don't want him here.
"Why's it sound like you're plannin' on never seeing me again? I thought we were better friends than that. But the minute I ask for a warning before you show up at my house on a morning when I haven't had time or energy to shower you suddenly twist it like I'm sayin' I never want to see you again."
If I could move, I'd be up and throwing him out the door for upsetting her. I've already pissed her off, he don't need to set her over.
"Come on, Kinlee. Ever since Bo came back, you and the twins haven't had much time for anyone else. I get it. No hard feelings. You're still my best friend. Always will be." His muffled voice sounds like he's hugging her and I almost roll off the bed...but I'd never get back up.
"Yeah, sure," she mumbles. "I gotta get this place cleaned up. I'll talk to you later." She pulls the kitchen door open and looks down like she can't face him while kicking him out.
"Maybe you should take into consideration your future, Kinlee. You're not a housewife. You don't always have to take care of everyone else." His yelled words carry and she shoves the door closed right after he steps out onto the deck.
I close my eyes and grit my teeth, until I hear a strange noise drift up the stairs. I focus on the screen of my phone and see her hands are clamped over her mouth while she tries to muffle the sounds of her crying. She's in full-blown tears over that asshole! I'll kill him if I can ever walk again! I wish she would realize he ain't worth her damn tears! Fuck, it's so frustrating I can't even get out of this bed to go to her! When she leans against the wall and slides down it, dropping her head, I can hear her whispering but can't make out what she's saying. I really shouldn't invade her privacy, but I gotta know what she's saying. I turn the sound up on the camera and hold the phone close enough to my ear that I can still see her while she's breaking down. I can faintly make out what she's whispering.
"It's gonna be fine," she whispers to herself. "So fine. Perfect. He'll be fine." I watch her rub her face and swipe at her cheeks before letting her head fall back against the wall. "Or it's not and this is about as good as it's gonna get," she cries, covering her mouth with her hand again.
I close my eyes. This is only going to get worse. Chase was right about her future. This ain't a future for her. Moving me, adjusting me. Helping me to the bathroom and cleaning up after me. I need a trained nurse, not my girlfriend to act like one and wreck herself over it. I open my eyes and on the screen I see her get to her feet, pulling her phone from her pocket. It’s probably Chase calling to apologize and that pisses me off too. He was right and now he just needs to go away.
"Hey, Jo," she says, mussing with her hair as she leans back against the doorframe. "No, everything's good." She squeezes her eyes closed and pushes her lips together. "I promise, it's fine.” Her face twists before she lets out a quiet sob. "He's upstairs. And I don't know what to do for him anymore. I'm trying. I love the man, but he's been so angry lately. He's not the Bo that he was before the accident and I'm starting to worry we're never getting him back."
She's right, the old me is never coming back. I'm never going to walk again! I'll never be able to move half my body again! I don't even know if my fucking dick works anymore because the thought of intimacy with her makes everything hurt. She won't even fucking look at me like I'm anything more than a patient. Like she'll break me if she touches me wrong.
"I don't know how he feels. He won't even talk to me. I know he's mad about it all. I know he hates the situation, but he's not been in a talking mood lately. It's just hard. And I'm not giving up on him, because I love him. But...I'm tired. I'm tired of not being looked at like his girlfriend. I mean, I'm happy he's alive. I wouldn't have made it if he hadn’t come out of surgery, but playing nurse and turning into his caretaker... God, I sound like such a bitch."
I put my phone down and lean my head back. This isn't a life for her anymore. I’ll be damned if my girlfriend is going to be held back by being my caretaker.
Only a few minutes later, my phone rings and it’s Jo. I take a deep breath before answering.
“Are you walking yet?” she asks when I answer. My silence makes her chuckle. “Too soon?”
“What’s up, Jo?”
“Seriously, how are you feeling?”
“Useless. Crippled. Paralyzed. Dead.”
“Well then.” She clears her throat. “How’s Kinlee?”
I want to tell her to cut the shit, that I know they just talked, but I don’t bother.
“Kinlee? Who’s that? Oh, is that my nurse? She’s good at her job. Seems that’s about it anymore.”
“Bo.” She huffs.
“Jo.” I mock her.
“So why don’t you hire a damn nurse?”
“She won’t let me,” I growl. “Jo, I’m not much up for talking.”
“Hey, I’m never up for talking but people make me, so I’m going to do it to you.”
“Jolene.” When I use her full name, she gasps and a small smirk pulls at my lips.
“Seriously though. Why don’t you hire a nurse? It’ll make you feel better your girlfriend isn’t your caretaker, and it’ll relieve Kinlee some.” We sit in silence for a few minutes. “Hello?”
“I’m gonna go back to Mercy Rehab.”
“Probably not the same kind of rehab I’ve been to, but that’s not a bad idea.”
I snort a chuckle and shake my head. “Jo, please. I gotta go.”
“Whoa, whoa, hang on. What’s Mercy? Is that where you went for your back the first time?”
“Yep. It’s a fucking resort compared to this shit hole.” I look around my bedroom. God, I loved this fucking room, especially once Kinlee made it homier, but I can’t stand this house anymore. I can’t stand this town. These people. I can’t stand myself and I wish I hadn’t pulled through.
“Bo, why’re you so fucking angry?” she asks like I don’t have a right.
“Once something like this happens to you, get back to me.” I almost hang up but I grit my teeth and close my eyes.
“You know what? You’re not the only person in the world, Bobby. You’re not the only person that’s been dealt a shit hand and has had hardships. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It makes you suck really bad. You do need to go to that center and when you come back, make sure you’re Bo, not this asshole. Kinlee’s had enough shit in her life to deal with. She doesn’t need to deal with your shitty attitude too.”
“You’re absolutely right. Nice chat, Jo.”
There's only one way to get through to Kinlee. She wouldn't let me hire a nurse even if I begged her. She says this brings us closer, but this is not how I want to get close to my girl. I'm all for her bathing with me. Washing my body. But not in this way. The first time she had to do it, I knew we'd probably never have sex again. You can't come back from this. She's the person I trust most. She knows more about me and my body than anyone else, but my dignity is no longer intact after this. This doesn't make us closer. It just makes me hate this life even more. Makes me hate myself, and I can picture continuing on like this and eventually hating her.
I was supposed to care for her! Not the other way around. If roles were reversed, I'd be there, but I guess this is where I'm a sexist prick. I was put on this earth to take care of that girl in any way she needs, not the other way around. I'm a man and pride is a bitch, but it's something I hold onto strongly.
“No wonder the girl’s having a hard time staying sane. You’re a mean son of a bitch.”
“And you haven’t even met my mama, but you got that right. I have to make a call. Kinlee needs her hair done, she’s looking tired.” I bite my lip and close my eyes when Jo gasps. It hurt once it was out of my mouth but Kinlee needs to take care of herself and she's running on fumes anymore. “I’ll text you after I make this call. You’ll fit her in, won’t you?”
“Yeah, Bo. For her, I will. I gotta go.” She hangs up, almost sounding like she was in tears but Jo don’t cry much about anything. I can’t imagine me being a dick to her made her cry. She probably feels bad for Kinlee, and so do I. That’s why I’m doing this.
My hand shakes while I search the number on my phone. Probably because it’s my left hand and it’s tired from being used so much. I look down at my right hand. Useless piece of shit.
“Thank you for calling Mercy Rehabilitation Center, how can I help you?”