I’ve never been a hateful person. I couldn’t even hate the bull that ruined my career, but this man I’ve become is nothing I’ve ever experienced. I keep waiting to snap out of it, but every day I wake up angrier and angrier. Every time I try to analyze who I’m angry at, all signs point to me. I tried to be angry at the bull. It’s a fucking animal. I tried to be angry at Will. He’s a fucking kid and never meant for this to happen. The only person I can be angry at is myself. It feels like the old me was never revived when the doctors said I died. When I woke up in the hospital, I felt different, but not until I spent weeks in bed did the difference finally surface as hate. I can’t stop the anger from suffocating me. It’s like tar is coating my insides, not only making my body useless, but my brain. There’s no end in sight for this. Not even when Kinlee shows up do I feel anything but hatred. Every time she leaves, it makes me hate even more. I hate the look on her face. I hate the way she begs me to talk to her. I hate she won’t listen to me when I tell her to move on with her life! I fucking hate it!
A knock comes across my door and I sigh. I hate this staff too, but I’d rather see them than someone I know. I’d rather let them down daily than the people I cared about most.
“Come in!” I practically growl, annoyed someone’s bothering me.
“Bo?” Wendy’s voice carries through the room, then her head peeks around the corner and I close my eyes, waiting for Kinlee to come marching in here.
I hate seeing her too because it reminds me how good I had it before this shit happened to me. She’s beautiful, smart, strong, funny, and I fucking hate it.
“Hey. How you doin’?” Wendy asks. I haven’t seen her since I left home and I didn’t want to.
“What’re you guys doin’ here, Wendy?” I huff.
“Actually…” She sits down and I look at her, waiting for her to get to the point. “It’s just me. Kinlee doesn’t know I came,” she whispers and I furrow my brows.
“Get your ass home, right now,” I snarl at her. “How’d you get here? I know you didn’t fly, and it’s a fifteen hour drive!” I’m so pissed I almost fight to get out of this bed and throw her out the door. Stupid ass kid!
“Obviously I drove, dumb ass,” she snarls right back and my eyes go wide. “I’ve heard about how mean you’ve been, but I didn’t believe it.” She stands and marches toward me, her finger pointed at me. “I don’t know what happened to you, but we’re family, and you can’t just push us out of your life, Bo. No matter how hard you try. You’re stuck with us. Ryan just drove me fifteen hours so I could tell you that and you’re gonna listen. You’re gonna understand everything I tell you, and you can do what you want with it. I don’t give a shit if you and my sister stay together, but you’re not getting rid of me and Will! We love you and Will won’t stop beating himself up over what happened. He thinks this is all his fault—”
“It’s not—”
“I know that! He doesn’t ‘cause you just up and left and you won’t take anyone’s phone calls. I will give you three days, Bo Hart, and if in three days you don’t call my brother and tell him you didn’t abandon us because of him, I will whoop—”
“I didn’t abandon you,” I groan.
“Yeah right! What the hell do you think you did leaving without telling any of us?”
“I’m letting you all get on with your lives so it can be as normal as possible! You can’t have me around because, you listen to me, Wendy Jones,” I snap and point my finger at her, but my arm doesn’t lift from the bed because I don’t have the energy. “Taking care of me will not help you kids live a normal life. I’ll be damned if Kinlee is gonna be burdened with taking care of me the rest of her life.”
With her arms crossed, she stares at me. Her lips are clamped tight and she looks pissed, but after a few minutes, everything on her loosens. “You’re hurting her, Bo, and I understand that. But why do you want to push me and Will away?”
“I don’t, Wendy. Goddammit, I don’t,” I huff. “But what other choice do I have? I can’t let Kinlee go if you guys keep reminding her about me. She needs to forget me.”
“Then she can, we don’t have to. I want my sister to be happy too, Bo. I think she’d be happier being with you, but maybe you’re right.” She huffs and sits back down.
“I am right. You’re too young to understand.”
“No I’m not,” she snickers. “I get it. You guys can’t be a normal couple when Kinlee’s too busy trying to be your doctor. I’m not stupid, Bo,” she spits at me and I smirk. These damn kids are too smart. “You can dump my sister, but you can’t dump us.”
I huff. “Wendy—”
“No, you listen, Bo. I came too far not to tell you how I’m feeling. If you don’t want us telling Kinlee we’re still talking to you…fine.” She frowns. “But you can’t just throw us away like we’re trash. You pushed your way into our lives. Practically barreled your way in. You made us all love you and we looked up to you like a brother. You became a parent figure to us, Bo. Now you’re just gonna ditch us? Ha! Think again, asshole! And you are an asshole. God, I’m so angry at you,” she growls. “But I still love you and so does Will. You better take care of this with Will too. I mean it. You and my sister have your own problems to figure out between the two of you but if you think I’ll let you hurt my twin like this, you’re dead wrong.” The way she looks at me when she says dead wrong makes me bark out a laugh. I love these kids and they’re not trash. Neither is their sister, which is why I need her to move on.
“Come here.” I can barely lift my left arm but I try. “You’re a feisty little shit.”
“And don’t forget it, Bo Hart.” She throws herself onto my chest and gives me the most painful but best hug I’ve had in a while. “I love you and I don’t want to hurt my sister so I won’t tell her anything until you’re ready, but you’re not getting out of this or I’ll make sure I become a prostitute in a big city, and Will ends up in prison for burning down a building. You got it?”
Another laugh bellows from me and it hurts, but I try to squeeze her tighter. As much as I think I hate everything, I’ll never hate these kids.
“I have to go. Ryan’s down in the car and we have to be back Sunday by noon or Kinlee will find out.”
“Where the hell’s Will?”
“He won’t leave Kinlee’s side.” She moves away from me and crosses the room toward the door. “He thinks it’s all his fault that you broke up with her.”
“It’s not,” I snap.
“Well tell him, not me.” She moves to leave.
“Wendy,” I bark. “You better call or text every few hours to check in. Dumb kids driving fifteen hours,” I huff.
“Unblock my number then, ya big stupid. Love you, Bo.” The door closes behind her and I shut my eyes.
I don’t know what I’m feeling but the longer I lay here, it only takes an hour for emptiness to fill me again. I do care about them kids. And I don’t know why, but I believe her when she says that if I push them out, they’ll end up floating up shit’s creek. It’s not them I need to convince to move on, it’s their damn sister. The only way I know to convince that woman of anything is by forcing it, so I’ll continue to force the coldness if she comes here. One of these days she has to crack and move on. I love her more than anything and that means setting her free from a life of hardship. I can’t do that to her and there’s really no hope for me getting any better. I’ve already been here four months and I’m still not moving any more than the first day I arrived.
Wendy makes good on her promise to check in every few hours. Her texts are all the same: “I’m still pissed at you, but we’re safe.” And they all tell me exactly how many miles she is from home. I respond ‘Thank you’ to them all because there’s not much else to say.
Wendy said she’s giving me three days to make things right with Will, and I intend on waiting all three days before making that call.
I call him when I know he’s at school because I don’t want to take the chance he’s with Kinlee. It’s his lunch hour so I know he’ll answer.
“Why the hell are you calling me?” he snarls into the phone.
“You at school?” I clear my throat.
“Fuck you, Bo, what do you want?”
I grit my teeth and if I could reach through this phone I’d…nothing. I’d do nothing because I threw him away like trash.
“To apologize. To tell you this isn’t your fault. To explain to you that your sister deserves a hell of a lot more than I can give her and that’s why I left.”
“You don’t get to decide what my sister needs!” He huffs and the chatter surrounding him gets quieter, so I wait. “Bo, when’re you coming home? Kinlee’s a mess. And Wendy thinks you're dead.”
I roll my eyes because he’ll never admit to his own feelings toward a situation. The kid’s strong and always looking out for his sisters, but he needs to show people he has feelings and opinions on things too.
“I’m not coming home, Will. I can barely lift the phone to my ear. What the hell good am I gonna be at home if I can’t even move, man?”
“Yeah, but what’re the doctors saying? Like you’ll be walking soon?”
“No.” I laugh. “Hell no. There’s no hope for me to walk again.” I’m not going to go on and tell him how it’s me that doesn’t have the drive to even try.
“Bo, what’s the plan? You’re hurting my sister and I’m trying not to want to kill you, but you’re not making it easy.”
I smirk. “My plan is I’m staying here and I broke up with your sister. I want her to move on with a good man that can take care of her. I can’t care for her anymore and she needs someone that can.”
“That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. You’ve got enough money to buy whatever care she needs.”
I roll my eyes. “Your sister don’t want my money, Will, she wants a man, and I’m barely a man anymore. I’m an angry brain in a pissed off body. I called to tell you not to be stupid and think this is your fault. Nothin’ you did was your fault. I should have never had that bull on the farm. If I hadn’t gotten it, none of this would be happening. There’s nothing you could have done differently that would make me stay. But I need a favor from you.” When he snickers like it’s a fat chance, I grind my jaw. “Listen to me, Will, and I’m serious. Your sister needs to move on. I want y’all to stay in the house as long as you need to, but I’m not ever coming back to town to be her boyfriend again. If I could keep Kinlee as a friend, I’d probably be talkin’ to her, but she won’t accept that. She wants to be my girlfriend and nothin’ less, so it ain’t gonna work. But me, you, and Wendy, we can still talk. I care about you guys. I love you guys and I’m going to take care of you with my money until I can’t anymore.”
“You don’t love Kinlee no more?” he asks like it’s breakin’ his damn heart.
“I do. I’ll always love that woman, but we ain’t gonna work anymore. You wouldn’t like it much if you couldn’t treat the person you’re with like you love them. I don’t have much love to give anymore and your sister deserves more than a shitty life of lookin’ after me. Don’t you agree or are you too dense to realize she ain’t my caretaker?”
“Screw you, Bo. I realize it. I realize a lot more than you think I do.”
“Then you know this is the right thing to do.” I close my eyes, hating that’s the truth.
“I don’t know. She’s pretty upset.”
“She’s upset now, but in a few months, she’ll be okay. She’s strong and she’ll get through anything. Ain’t that the truth?” I ask sternly because he better realize that about his sister. She’s the strongest woman he’ll ever know.
“Yeah, that’s the truth.”
“Get back to school, Will.”
“Bo, wait. So, that’s it? You ain’t gonna talk to us no more?”
“If you and Wendy want to stay in contact with me, you can’t tell Kinlee. If she knows you’re talkin’ to me, she won’t move on. Your sister’s stubborn as hell and it’s best if I just ignore her all together.”
“Why?” he scoffs.
“Because love’s hard, Will. And to get over it, you gotta sometimes shut it out of your life. You’ll understand one day.”
“I know what bein’ in love is like, Bo,” he bites back. “Stop treating me like a baby.”
I cock my eyebrow and mentally sort through everyone the kids know that me and Kinlee knew about. Will’s never brought up anyone that he might be in love with, but I’m not gonna doubt the kid.
“So you get it then?” I clear my throat.
“Yeah. It’s kinda stupid but I get it.”
When I hear the bell ring, I know it’s time to end this conversation. “It’s up to you if you want to keep in touch, Will, but don’t hurt Kinlee by letting her know.”
“Yeah, alright.” The line goes dead and I’m not sure I’ll be hearing from him again. I’ll let him make the choice.
Kinlee comes every month, seems like on the same day of the month too. Picking up on her patterns, I avoid her. I stay down in the basement of the building. I had to make a friend to get this privilege, but he’s just as hateful as me so it’s easy spending time with him, complaining about everything. I get around in a wheelchair now and the anger that makes me feel almost made me wheel myself into traffic one day. I know I should be grateful I’m alive, but I’m a sorry son of a bitch and can’t help but feel it would be better if I hadn’t lived.
Kinlee throws me off this month and shows up on a different day and the second she walks into the room, my heart drops to my stomach. I don’t feel much most days, but every time I see her, it hurts like hell. Love is hard as hell and her not giving up after eight months is more painful than the damn accident. She’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, even when she looks tired, but I’ve done a good job hiding how much it hurts me to see her. It’s easy to pretend I’m completely empty because I have reminders all around this room that I am. A wheelchair. Minimal switches for electronics because it’s easier to flip one switch than multiple. A bed with rails. Wide open spaces so I can get around. Crutches for when I want to try and get up, which will be never. I’m okay wasting away in bed.
I’ve lost almost sixty pounds. There isn’t an ounce of muscle on my body anymore. I figure if I keep this up, I’ll be dead within the year. I’m not starving myself, but I’m not hungry and I only eat on the rare occasion I am. The facility has already threatened to kick me out, so I do the bare minimum to make sure I can keep my spot that protects me from my old life. I’m such a coward. Such a piece of shit. This is why I have to keep pushing Kinlee away. There is no trace of the man I used to be and still I wait daily, but he’s never going to surface again.
She sets a dish in the small refrigerator then starts moving around the room, picking up after me. I don’t move from the bed and watch her for almost three hours. I tried to sleep but I’m so scared of what the hell she’s doing, I’m not sure how to react. She hasn’t said one word to me. She’s even taken a phone call and acted like I wasn’t in the room. There’s not much for her to clean because there’s not much I can get into but before she finishes, she’s broken a sweat and the place smells like lemon.
She walks to the bed and I flinch when she leans toward me, but she kisses my forehead then leaves. She’s gone. And she doesn’t come back. It’s cruel of her to keep doing this to me but I’m sure she doesn’t see it like that. Strong-willed women are a Godsend and a curse. Kinlee Jones is still the strongest woman I know.
The next month she comes, she won’t stop screaming at me. She’s bawling and demanding answers. Every time she moves like she’s going to hit me, I don’t flinch. I’d let her beat the hell out of me. I have to remain stone for her. This is for her and eventually she’ll break. Eventually she’ll let go, but that doesn’t make this any easier.
When she’s exhausted and there’s no more fight in her, she curls up at the foot of my bed and cries herself to sleep. I watch her sleep, even though I’m telling myself to flip the switch and turn off the lights. She looks peaceful for once and this is one of my stupidest moves, but I slowly shift until I can reach her and I lift my left hand to feel the wisps of hair that fell from her messy bun. She whispers my name and I freeze, mentally kicking myself for doing this. She’s going to think there’s hope for us when there’s not. It takes a few minutes for me to realize she’s calling my name in her sleep. When she whimpers and says, “You said you’d always come home to me,” I feel my chest constrict and tears fill my eyes. I can’t do this to myself. She needs to stop doing this to me!
I move as fast as I can, which isn’t fast enough and I drag myself to my wheelchair. Usually it’s next to my bed, but Kinlee moved it to get in my face while she screamed at me, expecting me to talk to her. When I get myself situated thirty minutes later, I get the hell out of here. I use the key my basement friend smuggled me and I stay down here the rest of the night and well into the next day in hopes she’s gone when I go back to my room.
When the year mark hits, I’m facing eviction. I guess money doesn’t buy everything and these people actually expect me to make some progress, so I start meeting their demands of rehab daily. With no muscle mass, I can’t do half the exercises they want and so the assholes put me on a strict diet. When I don’t comply to their six small meals a day they convince the nutritionist that I need to be tube fed. I may weigh less than I have since I was fifteen, but I fight like hell when they try to put the tube in my nose. My fight wins and given it’s the first fight I’ve put up, they lay off. And given that fight felt good as hell, I give in to their new diet for me. If I keep losing weight, I will die. I don’t want to die, not like this. I’ve had some dark thoughts, but I’d never kill myself.