Chapter 16
Brody
I hear something in the distance and it is drawing me out of my comfortable spot. It’s loud and it won’t stop. I just want it to stop so I can go back to the dark place. The place with no worries and the rest my body needs right now. My eyes blink open and I listen for the noise. It was just there but now there is silence. Then I hear a tapping at my window. What in the hell is going on? I grab my gun under my pillow and go towards the window and pull back the curtain. “Open up your damn door. I have been calling your phone and banging on your door for thirty minutes.” I look at Rebel again and wipe my hand down my face hoping it will wake me up a little more. I let the curtain fall and walk out of my room to the living room to open the front door. “About damn time. What did you do, crawl in bed and die? We need to get to the county jail. Kaden has Charity there. That woman just walked the hell in there to give back the gun she took and the money to pay for the other things she took. I thought for sure that we would never see her again. I guess she is a woman of her word.” I knew Charity would keep her word.
“Let me change and I will be ready. This time that woman is not getting out of my sight.” I turn to leave the room and I hear Rebel’s phone go off. I hesitate, waiting to see if this is about Charity. Rebel looks at his phone. I am guessing it was a text alert. A frown comes across Rebel’s face.
“Change of plans. Gracie just received a call from ETMC in Tyler and they just admitted Jilly” Rebel looks at up at me. “I thought she was at thing for women, a retreat or something. I am going to go and pick up Gracie at the clubhouse, so we can ride together. Can you tell your folks? Gracie is trying to get in touch with Kaden. The woman that called Gracie said we need to get there as soon as possible.”
“Go. I will be just a few minutes behind you.” My mind is trying to remember the last time I spoke with Jilly. We have been so busy with trying to find the Hell Keeperz MC and to tell the truth, Jilly and I didn’t leave things between us on the best of terms. I know I have been avoiding her calls and text. I have not been a good friend. I am never a good friend or cousin to Jilly. I just don’t know how to make our relationship work without the strain. Jilly and I are not blood related. I was adopted but the love that my mom and dad showed me is the only true love that I have ever felt. My DNA parents had none left for me. They loved themselves. I am not bitter or angry about it anymore. I realize that if they had not been the way they are that I would never have had Charlie and Gladys in my life. I would have never felt the unconditional love that they gave me growing up. Jilly may say that I am letting a piece of paper stand between us but when the Samms adopted me, I adopted them too, and I know how lucky I am to have their love and their respect, and I would never step over a line that they could never forgive me for. I wasn’t raised that way. I am brought out of my thoughts when I hear my front door shut. If Rebel said anything to me before he left I didn’t hear it, but I am sure that Rebel is lost in his own thoughts of regret. I go back to my room and grab the first pair of pants that hit my hands and take off the sleep pants I have on. It only takes a few more minutes for me to be dressed and ready to go. I grab my wallet and phone. I step in the bathroom and take care of my morning ritual, without the shower. I should call Dad, but I think this should be done in person. I am out the front door in five minutes and get in my truck, so I will not need to come back to my house. I park in front of the house and send a quick text letting them know I am going to be beating on their front door in the next minute or two. I get out of my truck and walk towards the house, but Dad opens the door before I ever make it to knock.
“Kaden called just a few minutes ago. Mom is grabbing her sweater and we will be ready to go. Do you know what is going on? I thought Jilly was gone for a while. She came over and told your mom that she would be gone for a month at least, visiting friends and then going off for a retreat. Did she get mixed up in this stuff you and Kaden have been spending all your time on?” Dad is getting more agitated as he talks.
“Dad calm down. I don’t know anything more than you do except the hospital called Gracie. We are going to get to the hospital and find out.” I try to make Dad feel better about it even though all kinds of scenarios have already played out in my head.
“I brought coffee.” I see Mom has her favorite sweater on. The one that brings her comfort when she needs it while she is sitting beside someone’s bed as they sweat a fever down. The one she always wears to hospitals in time of need. I have seen her wear it many times. I take the coffee mug in my hand as she hands Dad his. She goes back into the kitchen and comes back out with her coffee in one hand and the Bible in the other. Mom has a way of knowing what she is going to need with her when she is called away in the middle of the night. I can tell by the strained smile on her face that she thinks this is bad and my gut is telling me the same thing. “Are we riding with you son?” I have a feeling this is the right thing to do.
“Yes, Mom. If I need to leave I can call Tyler to come and pick me up but until I am sure Jilly is alright I won’t be leaving the hospital.” I answer but it is hard to get it all out.
“Then let’s get going. I want to find out what is wrong with my niece and then find out why she didn’t let us know she is home. I haven’t seen her around her house. Have you Son?” Dad knows I haven’t. I have not been around my house very much in the last few months. There have been days at a time that I have not been home.
“I have been busy and haven’t noticed anything. I am sure Jilly has just worn herself out again.” I hold the door open, so Mom and Dad can walk back through it. I make sure the door is locked and I step out on the porch and shut the door. Dad goes down the walk and opens Mom’s door in the back and helps her get situated. I get in on my side and once Dad is in and his seat buckle has snapped, I drive away from the curb. The trip is only a little over an hour and I don’t know if it is because of worry or because we were woken up from sleep, but it is quiet in the cab of my truck as we make it into Tyler. The traffic is light at this time in the morning and we find a close parking space. I text Rebel to find out what floor Jilly is on. I wait for his text back, third floor ICU. That’s the heart floor. “They have her on the third floor, intensive care.” Mom and Dad look at each other. We all know this hospital well enough to know what that means. The worry on their faces makes my heart feel heavy.
“We need to get in there. This is going to hit Kaden hard. He’s lost his parents and anytime Jilly goes in the hospital, he thinks the worst.” Mom doesn’t give Dad time to say anything else. She starts walking towards the front doors of the hospital. She looks back over her shoulder at us.
“Our family needs us, get moving.” Mom tells us. Mom is always the strong one. I am the first one to move but Dad catches up. The doors slide open for Mom and we jog to catch up with her. Dad walks up to Mom and takes her hand and I am right behind them as we approach the elevators. Dad hits the up button and the doors open. We walk in and the ride is short. When the doors open we hear Gracie crying. Rebel is standing in the general waiting area holding Gracie in his arms as she cries. My stomach clenches. We walk toward them and Rebel notices us and gives us a nod and then he lets go of Gracie with one arm but hugs her up next to him and points to the corner. It is empty and we all walk over.
“I think everyone needs to sit down.” Rebel says. He sits Gracie in a chair and walks over and picks up a box of Kleenex and brings them back and hands Gracie a few and he sits them on a table beside Mom and then sits beside Gracie. She is getting herself under control. I break the silence.
“Why is Jilly here?” I ask. Rebel picks up Gracie’s hand up and holds it.
“From the information we have heard Jilly wasn’t at any retreat or visiting friends. She was in Mexico and receiving alternative treatment for her heart failure. She quit taking her medication that the doctors her prescribed. Then the meds the doctors were giving her in Mexico damaged not only her heart but also her kidneys.” Rebels looks at me. “I’m sorry to just blurt this out but Jilly is having complete organ shut down. Kaden is with her and her doctors now. He had to argue to get to hear what they have to say. The nurse said Jilly was in and out of consciousness.” I am blown away by what Rebel just told us. Why would Jilly do something like this, she’s a damn registered nurse. She knows better, and why didn’t she let anyone know what she was doing so we could research it with her? I don’t know what to think. We can’t lose Jilly. No, this must be a mistake. Maybe, Rebel is confused. We have been working hours on end on finding The Hell Keeperz MC.
“Are you sure there is no mistake? Surely, Jilly would have told someone what she was doing.” Mom says and gets a tissue and I see the tears rolling down her cheek. Dad has her hugged under his arm. He hasn’t said anything.
“I need to go back there with Kaden. He needs someone to lean on. Is Laura with him?” Dad asks Rebel.
“No one is with Kaden and they won’t let anyone else back there. If one of the doctors that Jilly had seen for her heart had not been here, then they would have booted Kaden out. Jilly had the papers drawn up that Kaden has her medical power of attorney and the doctor has a copy in his office and remembered when it was brought to his office to be filed. The damn doctor in charge of Jilly’s case now, Dr. Sine, made Dr. Hodge call one of his clerks to go over to the office and fax here. I thought I was going to need to go and pick it up. Kaden made sure the hospital will have it on record from now on. Jilly had one filed here too but they have lost it. Jilly also has a DNR recorded.” I don’t know what to say to that. I know Jilly and I have discussed this subject, many times, and I have a DNR also, but right now all I want to do is find Jilly’s damn paper and tear it up. Everyone has gone quiet. I don’t know how long we all sit in silence lost in our own thoughts when I hear a noise and see Kaden watching us. I can tell by the redness in his eyes he has been crying. I try to swallow but my throat is too dry. Kaden walks over and sits beside my dad.
“Jilly’s heart is only working at forty percent. It is hard for her to breathe because her lungs are filling with too many fluids. Jilly is being stubborn and won’t let them drain her lungs and if she is still cognitive I cannot make the decisions for her. Her kidneys and liver are also failing. She has something they call MODS and it was caused by sepsis. The medicine that they were giving her did nothing to help her and they were giving her high doses of tramadol. I don’t know who is running this place she was at in Mexico, but I know I am going to have them shut down if it is the last thing I do. They gave her hope and now…” Kaden stops and tries to control his emotions. “now she is dying.”
“Isn’t there anything they can do?” Mom says through her tears.
“They are trying but with the limitations that Jilly has given them there is not much they can do. Jilly is having more legal papers filled out so even if she slips into a coma they will still be limited to what they can do. She is determined she is not going to be a burden.” I am dumb struck. This is not supposed to be happening this way. I look over at Rebel and he is comforting Gracie, but I know this is killing him inside.
“When can we see her? Can we try and talk some sense into that girl’s head?” Dad asks Kaden.
“They don’t want her upset, as if that is even possible. The thing about it is, I am going crazy, but Jilly is calm. She tried to comfort me. She kept telling the doctors to do what they could to keep her comfortable and that she understood all the risk she was taking with her health. That she refused to let her family watch her die a slow death and she was ready if this was the way she would leave this earth. She said she knows our mom and dad are waiting with loving arms open. I think she is losing it.” I think the same thing. Kaden is in over his head in this situation. I think we all are.
“No, Kaden, Jilly is showing faith. It’s how she was raised to believe in the afterlife. It is bringing her comfort right now and who are we to tell her any different.” Dad speaks up.
“She can get her damn comfort from her family here. I need to get some air. I am going to get some coffee and call Laura, so she can bring the boys up here. The doctors said to give them about an hour and we can go back two at a time.” Kaden says the last part slowly. I know there is more for him to say but he can’t bring himself to say it.
“Are you sure Kaden? Intensive care has special visiting hours. It’s nowhere near those hours.” Mom ask, and her eyes are pleading for Kaden to be mistaken. “Are you sure you want the boys to see their aunt this way?” Kaden looks at the floor and then when he looks at us I see the tears he is holding back.
“Aunt Gladys, I’m sure. They are giving us time to say our goodbyes. The doctors said barring a miracle that Jilly is living her last days. They can’t give a definite day, but they said if she makes it to the end of the week she’s stronger than they think. The papers she is having updated is her will and power of attorney. I want the boys to be able to say their goodbyes. They deserve that closure. Laura and I will be there every step of the way.” It’s like all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. I get to my feet and I walk out of the waiting area. I don’t understand any of this. I go to the closest restroom and go in and lock the door and I let the tears roll that I have been holding back. I don’t understand a world without Jilly in it. No, the doctors are wrong. Jilly will pull out of this. She is stronger than this. I don’t want to know a world without Jilly in it. I grab a paper towel and wipe my tears away. My family needs me now and I will be there. I need to see Jilly. I wash my face and walk back out the door. I make it back to the waiting area. Rebel and Gracie are not there, and before I can ask Dad, he tells me.
“Rebel took Gracie down to get a bite to eat. Audie is coming to the hospital too.” I hear a telephone ring and I know it is the phone the doctors and nurses use to communicate with patient’s family. Mom answers it.
“Hello, third floor waiting room. Yes, this is her aunt.” Mom crumbles to the floor and Dad takes the phone. I go to Mom and try to help her up, but she is crying too hard.
“He just stepped out. I will get him back here. Can I come sit with her until Kaden makes it back? Oh, alright. We will be here.” Dad hangs the phone up and walks over to us. He bends down and whispers something in Mom’s ear and she stands up and goes into Dad’s waiting arms. Dad looks at me. “Jilly has had a heart attack. She is breathing on her own and they are monitoring her closely. The doctor is supposed to be here to talk us in just a few minutes.” I start to text Kaden, but he walks in with two coffees in his hand, and Laura and the boys are behind him. Matthew comes over and hands me a cup of coffee. Michael hands a coffee to Dad and Kaden hands Mom hers. “The nurse just called, and Jilly had a heart attack. The doctor is going to come out and talk to us.”
“Did they give you any more information.” Laura sits beside Mom. The boys go over a little closer to the television and turn it on with the volume down low. I wish I could escape this too. Rebel and Gracie walk back over to us and sits down but Kaden is still pacing the room. I see the tears sliding down his cheek. This is tearing Kaden apart. It’s tearing us all apart. I feel a guilt I don’t know how to deal with. Each of us is in our own silent hell with remorse and what ifs. I need to see Jilly. I need to hold her hand and let her know I am here for her until her last breath. It seems like time is crawling by with no one saying anything, just sitting and thinking of memories, good, bad, happy, and sad. We don’t move or say a single word. What is there to say? The thought of Jilly not being a part of our everyday life is unbearable. Kaden has even sat beside Dad and has that faraway look in his eyes. I see a doctor walking our way. I hope this is Jilly’s doctor and he has some news for us. Kaden sees him and stands up. He puts his hand out to shake the man’s hand and the doctor reciprocates the action and they shake hands. I recognize this man. He has been Jilly’s family doctor since she was young. This man must be close to eighty years old. Dad shakes his hand next.
“This is Dr. Long.” Kaden introduces the man. “Why are you here? I thought Dr. Sine would be talking to us.” Kaden says to the man.
“Let’s sit down so we can discuss a few things.” I know whatever this man has to say is bad. Rebel raises his eyebrow and I know he is thinking the same thing. Dad and Kaden sit down. The doctor takes a seat on the other side of Kaden. “They have all of Jilly’s doctors here that are from around here. I have known Jilly and all of you the longest, so I wanted to come talk to you all. If you have any questions that I cannot answer, or I do not answer to your satisfaction then Dr. Sine or Dr. Hodge will consult with you.” The doctor looks around at us to see if anyone speaks up. We don’t.
“Go ahead Dan and tell us.” Dad says to the doctor.
“Had you rather go to a more private room?” There’s no one else in the room but our family.
“We’re fine where we are. Just please, tell us something about Jilly.” Mom says quietly. The doctor looks at mom and then I turn and see that Mrs. Audie has come in and is sitting with Matthew and Michael. “Audie will you come on over, so we can all hear. The boys are fine by themselves.” Mrs. Audie walks over and sits by Gracie.
“Jilly consented to having the fluid drained out of her lungs, so she would have a better chance of speaking to all of you without breathing problems, or less breathing problems. Draining of the fluid is not without pain and it put added stress on her heart. It sent her into a myocardial infarction. Under normal circumstances the cardiologist would have went in and put a stent in. That is not a procedure that any of us think Jilly would survive with the damage she already has to her heart and Jilly, being a nurse and knowing the situation, she has refused to even consider the risk the procedure. Jilly has refused any kind of surgeries or procedures from this point forward. What Jilly has agreed to is that the hospital personnel can manage the pain and to keep her comfortable. She knows what the outcome will be, and she is at peace with it. She knows that you are all here. She wants to speak to Kaden, Rebel, and Brody first. The hospital is going to allow you three to go back this one time and then it needs to be two at a time. Don’t spend a lot of time in with her until everyone has talked to her. Let Jilly talk if she can. I know Kaden has been back to see her but for the rest of you, beware. She has a lot of machines hooked to her. They are monitors so we can keep an eye on everything.” What the doctor means is that none of the machines are breathing for Jilly. She would have never agreed to that. “We are taking things as they happen. Do you have any questions for me?”
“How long…does she have?” Kaden barely gets out the words.
“I can’t answer that question. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. My best guess is the next twenty-four hours. Sit with her, hold her hand, let her know she is loved, and pray.” The doctor stands and turns to Kaden. “I am staying at the hospital today and tonight, if you need me to answer any questions you don’t understand then just have me paged. I will be close. I’ve known Jilly since she was nine years old and she seems like one of my own. She asked me to be here and explain everything as it happens to her. Jilly is one of a kind.” The doctor ducks his head and I see the tears falling. “You three can go in and see her now. Remember, keep things calm.” The doctor reaches out and shakes my Dad’s hand again and then he stops in front of Kaden and bends down and whispers something to him. Then he straightens up and he walks back the way he came. I don’t know what to say. Dad takes over.
“Kaden, you, Rebel, and Brody go first like she asks. I would like for Gladys and myself to go next. Then Kaden and Laura can take the boys back, one at a time. Then Audie and Gracie can go back. Should we call Kevin, so he can come see her? I know he doesn’t deserve it, but I think it is something Jilly would do?” Dad knows that Kevin is no one’s favorite person here, being Jilly’s ex, but I agree with Dad that it is something Jilly would do.
“I will be going back with Ma and Gracie both.” Rebel speaks up. “My vote says to leave Kevin in the dark but that is up to Kaden.”
“I agree with Uncle Charlie, we should call Kevin and if he doesn’t show up then it is on him. Uncle Charlie, will you call him? If you don’t get in touch with him by the time I am back out here I will try myself. Everyone remember what the doctor has said. Keep the first visit short and we will take turns sitting with her later. We also are going to need to think about sleeping in shifts and getting food. We need to be strong through this and not ignore the things that we need to do to stay that way.” Kaden is right.
“I can call Tyler and Shane to get food and bring to us. If everyone can get me a list of anything they need from home I can get them to come by and get your keys to go pick them up.” I try to help.
“I can get the ol’ ladies at the clubhouse to cook and get the prospects to bring it over if your guys can just pick up the other things.” Rebel is texting on his phone as he is talking to me.
“We’ll get a list made while you are back there with Jilly.” Dad says. Rebel and I both stand up. Kaden does the same.
“Let’s do this.” Kaden tells us, and we walk towards the doors that the doctor went into. We walk through the double doors and follow the hall to the nurse’s station of the intensive care unit. One of the nurses comes around the desk.
“I know some of the rules have been relaxed but I need for you each to remember that we need to keep Jilly calm. This is not in the rules, but I am going to give you my two cents worth here, please, do not badger Jilly about the decisions she has made about her health care. I am speaking as her friend, and I could lose my job for speaking up, but this is the way Jilly would handle things if she was in my place. My prayers are with your family.” I look closely at the woman in front of us and I recognize her as a woman that we went to school with.
“Thank you. Can we just go in?” Rebel asks, and I see the nervousness in the man.
“Of course, if she looks tired after she starts talking she made need a short break. If she shows a shortness of breath, please notify us by hitting her nurse call button.” I know the nurse is trying to be Jilly’s friend and her nurse at the same time. Rebel and I follow Kaden in the room. I see Jilly’s small body in the hospital bed. Her face is swollen, and her skin has a yellow tint to it as if she has jaundice. I walk ahead of Rebel and step up to the bed. I see Jilly as she puts a smile on her face. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes and I see the pain she is trying to hide. I bend down and give her a kiss on her cheek. She reaches up to take my hand and some of her wires get twisted. I straighten them up and hold her hand. Kaden is on the other side and bends down and gives her forehead a kiss.
“Step on up her Antonio, this kind of death is not contagious.” I lay her hand on the bed and step out of the way, so Rebel can step up. Rebel picks her hand up and kisses it, as Kaden and I look at each other. “Come on guys, it’s just us…” cough, cough, and it stops. “I don’t want this to be uncomfortable for any of us. We all knew where this would end up one day.” Jilly stops and takes a breath. “I tried an experimental method of dealing with my heart. I wanted my life back and if I had a chance at that then I was going to take it. My life, my choice.” Jilly coughs until she is red in the face. She points to the water and Kaden lifts the cup up and gives her a sip and then she pushes it away. “I need to say what I have to say so just listen to me.”
“Whatever you say darlin’, this is your show. You know we all love you.” Rebel scoots up closer to the bed and little towards the head of the bed so I can squeeze closer. That way Jilly doesn’t need to talk so loudly, I am guessing.
“Always the sweet talker, Antonio.” Jilly squeezes Rebel’s hand. Then she looks at Kaden. “Kaden you have been the best brother that I could possibly have. I know our time is being cut short, but my love for you will always be with you. Remember the good times and share them with your sons. Love Laura with everything you have and live your life for both of us. I love you brother. You are my hero and that is about all I can say.” I see the tears falling down Kaden’s cheeks. “If you can keep an eye on these two so they stay out of trouble and you two watch out for my brother.” Jilly looks at Rebel and me. Kaden bends down and takes Jilly in his arms carefully. Half way sitting on the bed next to Jilly. “Kaden, Laura and the boys are going to need you to be strong for them so do what you do best and take care of them. I am at peace with my decisions. I have my faith to keep me strong. I am not scared, and the doctors here will make sure I have the least amount of pain as possible.” Jilly is crying along with Kaden now. “Give me about twenty minutes with these two and then send back whoever is here to see me. I love you.” I am holding back the tears, but I am not sure how much longer that is going to work. I look at Rebel and I see he is having the same problem. Kaden kisses her cheek one more time.
“I love you Sis and I am so damn proud of the woman that you have become. I don’t know how strong I can be for anyone right now. I am barely holding it together myself. I will do my best. Is there anything that you need right now?” Kaden is getting himself together, so he can bring his sons back soon.
“You are the executor of my will and for that I am sorry, but I know that you are the only one that will fulfill my last wishes. They are important to me. I expect all three of you to make sure they are carried out.” She looks at all three of us as Kaden steps back.
“You know we will, Jilly.” I try to ease her thoughts.
“Uncle Charlie and Aunt Gladys will be back here in twenty minutes. You two behave. I love you Sis.” Kaden walks to the door but not before he gives Rebel and myself a look telling us to keep Jilly calm. I walk over and take Jilly’s hand on the side that Kaden just left. I know Kaden does not want to leave right now but he will do anything for his sister.
“Alright, you two, we have come along way. I know you two do not like the way I handled this situation but since when has that ever stopped me.” Jilly coughs some more but it isn’t as loud. “First, I want to talk to Antonio.” I back away and sit in a chair to give the two a little privacy. “You have been on your best behavior. I thought you would be screaming and yelling.” Jilly pulls his hand to her lips and kisses it.
“I understand your choices, Jilly. Can’t say I agree with them but given the choice at the end of my life I would like to make the decisions I think is right for my family and myself. I think you have been dealt a shitty hand and you are doing what you think is right and I will stand beside you my friend.” The way Rebel says it, it almost makes sense.
“You were my first love, Antonio and even when we have not been talking you hold a place in my heart that only belongs to you and will only belong to you. We wasted so much time that we could have been together and happy, but we were too young and stupid to realize that.” Jilly stops talking and take a breath. “I know Gracie is the one for you. I think I knew that you two would end up together before I ever sent her back home to my family. Gracie has a damn big heart and she will love you until her dying day. Hold her and cherish her. You deserve that happiness. I know you don’t think that you do, but Antonio, you do. Grab a hold of that happiness with your little family and protect it and keep it safe. I just hope I brought the happiness to you that you brought to me.” One tear slides from Rebel’s eye.
“Somehow all the good ones get taken before us assholes. I have love in my heart for you Jilly and it will always be there. Gracie and I both are lucky to have you touch both our lives.” Rebel is talking from his heart. It’s not a side of himself that he lets anyone see very often. “Love you my friend.” Jilly smiles and then shuts her eyes as if she is savoring the words that Rebel has said.
“Take care of Gracie and those babies. I’ll see you on the other side.” Rebel bends down and hugs Jilly. “Please, look after Kaden. He is going to take this hard and he is going to try to take this all on himself. Just be there for him and keep an eye on that one over there. I love you Antonio and I always will.”
“Anything for you Jilly.” Rebel bends down and gives Jilly a kiss on her cheek and walks to the door. He looks at Jilly one more time before he walks out the door.
“I saved the best for last, handsome.” I walk over close to the bed and Jilly reaches out and pulls me closer. “You are my biggest regret in life and my biggest savior all rolled up into one.” Jilly coughs a couple of times. I pick the cup that Kaden had let her drink from a little while ago and let her take a sip. “Thank you. My throat gets so dry.” I put the cup back on the table. “I know that we are family, but I wanted so much more from you and me, but now I know if you would have given in to me then you would have lost a part of yourself. At the time, I was only looking at it from my point of view. I know you love me Brody. You have stood beside me every step of the way. Even the times that I didn’t like myself. When I decided to go to Mexico it slammed into my heart.” Jilly has lost me on this one.
“Babe, I’m not sure I follow that.” I half laugh. How could I laugh now?
“It’s alright to laugh Brody. I’d rather see you laughing than crying. You guys are tearing my heart out here. I am having enough problems with my heart right now, so, please, laugh. Remember all the antics that you used to get Antonio and me out of. Remember all our long talks. Remember and feel it all again and then let me go. I know you think you have things to be guilty about, but you told me from the get go that you would not cross over the family line. I respect you for that. You had your boundaries and you had to be true to yourself. I love you as much as I have ever loved any man. Our love was innocent because of you, so please, just remember the good times and never doubt I knew you would always stand by your word because that is the kind of man you are. I want you to remember me without regrets. I want you to find that someone special for you and have babies. You would make a wonderful father.” My mind goes to Charity, but I know I need to be here for my Jilly. Jilly starts coughing and I can see she looks tired.
“Never doubt that I have loved you from the first time I met you. I have wanted to protect you, keep you safe, and so much more. Do not doubt I have wanted you to be happy. I just couldn’t give you anything else, but I couldn’t watch other men hurt you either and every time I would see you with Kevin, I wanted to give him a beat down that he would not forget. Jealousy brings out the worst in me. A part of my heart will always be yours.” I pour all my feelings out that I have been keeping to myself for so long.
“I’ll take that little piece, Brody. It will always be with me, but promise me Brody, that you will let me go, and then you find someone to love you. I can’t bear the thought of you being alone. Please, for me, and then tell her the stories of your spunky cousin.” Jilly has tears running down her face.
“Jilly, I promise you I will try. You have been a part of my life for so long. One of the most important parts. I want you to know that you have been a joy and that smile of yours can always bring a smile to my face. I love you Jilly, and I always will.” I bend down and hug her to me the best I can with all the wires in our way. There is a knock at the door and I look up and see Mom and Dad standing there. I let Jilly take another sip of water and then sit the cup back on the table. I pick her hand up and kiss it. “I will be back later, Jilly. I need to share you right now. There are more people out there who wants a chance to talk to you.”
“Okay, Brody. I am getting a little tired, so I need to speak to everyone just a little while, so I can take a nap. Goodbye, Brody.” I hate the way she says the words. They sound final. I can’t say anything else. Mom comes over and takes my place. I pat Dad on the back as I walk past him to the door. I look back at Jilly and she smiles but her eyes are closed. I duck out the door and the bright lights hit my eyes. They seem harsh by the nurse’s station. I walk back down the hall and back through the double doors. I see that Rebel has Gracie in the far corner by themselves and she is trying to comfort him. Mrs. Audie is pacing the room. Kaden and Laura are talking to their boys and I don’t know where I belong here, so I don’t stop. I need some air and something to drink. I think I just need the space by myself. I keep walking until I go through the sliding front doors of the hospital. I start walking, but I can’t bring myself to leave. My life without Jilly. The thought just doesn’t register in my head and my heart is rebelling against it. The years that Jilly was married to Kevin we only seen each other in person a couple of times a year, at holidays and family get togethers. It was both of our faults, but we skyped and spoke on the phone a few times a week. Jilly knows me better than anyone. I shared my hopes and dreams with her and she did the same with me. I’ve always known that Jilly was only a phone call away and her voice could sooth me or talk me down when I was angry. I feel the tears begin to roll down my face. I don’t care who sees it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I am not one for sharing my feelings with everyone, so I just walk the parking lot. I can’t stop, if I do then I will need to face the stark reality that my person is leaving me. I feel guilty for not giving her the happiness she has always deserved. What kind of man am I? I don’t know how long I have been walking. I go back towards the hospital on auto pilot and sit on one of the benches. My mind is going from one scenario to the next and I don’t know if I can do this. I feel an arm go around my shoulders and I look to my right and I know it is my dad before I even get a glimpse of him.
“I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t watch Jilly slip away from us without a fight until the end. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her tight and keep her safe.” I pour my heart out to Dad. I wait for my Dad to say something to make me understand how this can be happening. I look at him waiting.
“Sometimes loving someone isn’t about holding on tight. Sometimes in life we are forced to let go with grace. Jilly has made some tough decisions and now we just need to stand beside her and love her through it.” Dad tells me, tears in his eyes. I feel selfish now. The whole family is having a tough time and I have selfishly only been thinking of myself. It’s time to man-up and do what Jilly would expect me to do.
“You are a wise man. How are you dealing with Jilly’s decision?” I ask the man sitting beside me. In my eyes my dad has always been bigger than life but today he is showing the worry and responsibility he is carrying on his shoulders.
“I understand the decisions Jilly has made. I don’t like that she didn’t let us help her along the way and I don’t think the people that she listened to were competent, but son, your mom and I, also have do not resuscitate affidavits filed, so I understand to some extent. I do believe that you and Kaden both told me that you both went the same route. Jilly’s life has been too short, but when are we ever ready to let go of our loved ones? No one is promised tomorrow and that is why we must make every day count. We now need to go back in there to Jilly and our family and get through this. We can let our anger, regret and sorrow out later. They let Kaden and Laura take the boys together to see Jilly. They also let Rebel take Gracie and Audie back together. They were back with Jilly when I left. Kevin is finally on his way. Kaden asked Jilly about seeing him and she said for a few minutes, but they have had closure from the divorce and she wants to give him the chance for closure now, and after that she only wants family. She told Kaden to take the boys home.” Dad stops talking and I know he has more to say.
“Kaden is the executor of Jilly’s will, but she told me when I was back talking to her that she is donating her heart for science research and then she is being cremated. No ceremony. She said that she wanted us to let her ashes be blown over the pond that you, Jilly, and Rebel used to hang out at when you were teenagers. Family only. She’s thought of everything. She’s leaving her house to Gracie and she wants no arguing over it. She has talked to Kaden about it beforehand and he agreed.” Jilly always thinks about everything. She analyzes the situation from every angle and this is no different. I look at Dad again and I see the determination to accept things the way Jilly wants them and being the man, my dad raised, I will too.
“Let’s go check on Mom and the rest of our family.” I tell Dad.
“The prospects from Rebel’s club brought over some food. It smelled delicious. We need to eat so we can take our turns to sit with Jilly.” I know Dad is right, but my gut tells me that we will all be leaving this hospital soon, everyone but Jilly. We get up and walk back in the sliding doors.