Lance

 

I hardly had time to catch my breath after the kiss before Jamie ran away. She went up to her room, and I knew she was avoiding me. I also knew she would make the phone call to her boss. The look in her eye told me she would. I knew the way a woman looked when they decided to do what I asked them to do. I had seen it plenty of times.

 

I practically hid out in the office until my hard-on went down. It was surprising how turned-on she made me. I only expected to kiss her to shut her up and get her to do what I wanted her to do to.

 

That’s not true, a voice in my head said. You wanted her.

 

That was the truth. There was something about her that brought out something in me I didn’t know was there before I met her. I never had that urge before, to grab a woman and kiss her, to make her mine. It was funny, too, since all we did was fight.

 

But when we got along, we got along well. I liked being with her when she wasn't a bitch. And I wanted her around. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t like her being there at the clubhouse. She brought something to my life I didn’t know I was missing.

 

When it was safe to leave the office, I went out to the lounge. Gigi was on the sofa, eating crackers and peanut butter. When she saw me, she handed one to me. “You want one?”

 

“Thanks.” I grinned, taking it from her. She looked happy that I took it, happier when I ate it. It didn’t take much to make a kid happy. How come so many people were so shitty at it?

 

“Will I go to school tomorrow?” Erica was sitting with her, and we looked at each other.

 

“I don’t think so,” I said.

 

“Why not?” She looked so damned innocent.

 

“Just because. You’ll go back eventually. Jamie will help you keep up. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

 

“I miss my friends, though.”

 

“You have friends here.”

 

“It’s not the same.” I couldn’t argue with that.

 

“Soon. I promise. Hopefully this week.”

 

“Come on,” Erica said, smiling, trying to brighten things up. “We’ll finish cleaning up after our mess in the kitchen, and Jamie will read you a bedtime story when we go up.”

 

“Good night,” Gigi said, climbing off the couch. She still didn’t call me anything, I noticed. I didn’t expect her to call me Dad. But not even Lance. Nothing.

 

I watched her go to the kitchen and felt sort of sad. I wanted her to like being with me. It was the weirdest thing. I couldn’t have imagined I would ever feel that way.

 

I went back to the office, waving Flash in with me.

 

“What’s up?” He closed the door.

 

“I need to find The Scarecrow.” I watched him wince. His tanned skin got a little pale, too.

 

“You’re sure you wanna go looking around for him? That’s pretty dangerous stuff.”

 

“Since when are you afraid of dangerous stuff?” I grinned.

 

“Since I grew up and got a little common sense.”

 

“Oh, so I don’t have common sense?”

 

“Not right now. It sounds like you’re thinking with your dick, your heart, everything but your brain.”

 

“I’m not thinking with my dick.”

 

“You’re thinking about her.” He jerked his head upward, and I knew he meant Jamie.

 

“Anything but her. She’s the least of my problems.”

 

“Bull.”

 

I shrugged. “Whatever you say. Fact is, I need to find him. I need to know where Rae is. I need to be sure Gigi’s safe. That’s all I care about.”

 

“Are you sure about that?”

 

“Isn’t that enough? I mean, Jesus.”

 

“Oh, it’s enough. I wanna be sure the kid’s safe, too.” He sat down on the sofa, stretching out with his feet at the other end. “So what do you have in mind?”

 

“I don’t know yet. That’s why I’m talking to you about it.” I ran my hands through my hair, lacing my fingers behind my head.

 

“We know the sorta people he hangs out with,” Flash said. “And they’re all bad news.”

 

“Yeah, and we know where they hang out. And that’s bad news, too.” I shrugged. “What else can I do? I’ve gotta start somewhere.”

 

“Don’t start there. Go to Rae’s. Jamie will tell you where she lives. She went there, right? She knows where it is.”

 

I mulled it over. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll start there. Maybe she’s been there lately and the neighbors saw her or something.”

 

“It’s worth a shot.”

 

I frowned. Yeah. It was worth a shot. I had the feeling I wouldn’t be lucky enough to find what I needed on the first try.

 

I went upstairs, where Jamie was closing the door to Gigi’s room. She gasped when she turned and saw me standing there. I held up hands up in front of my chest.

 

“I’m not gonna touch you or anything. Don’t worry.” She relaxed.

 

“What do you want?” Her voice sounded a little shaky.

 

“I just wanna know where Rae lives. I have to go to the house to look for her.”

 

Even in the dark hallway, I saw her body language change. She crossed her arms, looking me up and down. “What good do you think that’s going to do?”

 

“You went, didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah, before I knew she ran off.”

 

“How do you know she didn’t come back? You don’t know everything. It’s been a week since she left Gigi here. Maybe she finished what she was doing and went home. Or maybe I’ll find something there you didn’t think was important.”

 

“How? The house is locked up, and I can’t believe I just said that because you’re obviously going to break in.”

 

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep from laughing. “Are you gonna give me the address, or what?”

 

“Yes. I’ll text it to you.” She turned and went to her room, closing the door a little louder than she needed to. A few minutes later, she sent the text.

 

***

 

The next morning, I went out before Jamie or Gigi came downstairs. I didn’t want to answer any questions, and I sure as hell didn’t wanna face Jamie after that kiss. I still got a little hard just thinking about it.

 

I could imagine the shit Flash would give me when he found out I went looking for The Scarecrow on my own, which was why I didn’t tell him what I planned to do. If anybody saw more than one of us coming at a time, they’d be on guard. I didn’t need jumpy fingers on triggers. I didn’t trust many people, but junkies were the worst. Where I was going, there were plenty of them.

 

Our town was divided into four parts. There were the ritzy houses, like the ones in Riverview Terrace. I imagined what Jamie’s house looked like. It probably had a nice view of the river, where she could see boats rolling past. Maybe she went out there sometimes. Maybe her boyfriends took her out on boats of their own. My chest tightened when I thought about it.

 

Then there was the urban part of town, where the clubs sat, the office towers, the overpriced boutiques and stuff. That was a pretty popular area, and riding through on a Monday morning was always interesting. Watching the drones rush to the coffee shops on every corner, packing them, begging for the boost they needed to face their boring lives in their boring jobs. I was so glad that wasn’t me. I felt the wind in my hair as I rode. I had freedom.

 

There was the middle-class section, which was bigger than all the others. Nice little houses up and down the tree-lined streets. Bikes in front yards. School buses. Crossing guards. Two-car driveways and garages. I rode down the street a little slower, keeping an eye out for kids going to school. I thought about Gigi when I looked at the faces of some of those kids. She should be on her way to school like the rest of them. She should feel happy and normal. I wanted to give that to her. She deserved it.

 

Then there was the shitty part of town. I lived right on the edge, where the houses got smaller—still clean, still nice enough, but smaller. Smaller yards, smaller lawns, not as many trees. Then it went downhill fast. I crossed one wide boulevard and ended up in the ghetto.

 

It was depressing. Everything seemed sort of dirty, sort of gray. I thought about Gigi growing up in a house like the ones up and down the street, and it bugged the shit outta me. She needed a better life. I hated Rae for never telling me about the baby. I had plenty of money put away—one thing about my life was the money it helped me make. Sure, the business wasn’t totally legal, but it was profitable. I could have set them up in a good place. I would’ve paid the bills directly, of course. No way I’d give cash to Rae. I couldn’t trust her.

 

I got to the string of houses everybody knew was a drug den and parked my bike outside. There were two strung-out-looking dudes in the doorway, sort of slumped over. They eyed the bike up like they just hit the lottery. I made sure my gun was ready, tightly tucked into the holster under my kutte, before climbing off.

 

“Hey,” I said, walking to them. “I’m looking for The Scarecrow.”

 

One of them looked up at me with bloodshot eyes. He grinned like I just said the funniest thing he ever heard. “Why you lookin’ for trouble, man?”

 

“I’m not lookin’ for trouble, man. I’m just looking for him. I’m trying to find a woman.”

 

“Ain’t we all?” The two junkies laughed together, falling over each other. I shook my head.

 

“Listen,” I said, looking inside the dark house. “I’m gonna trust you two, okay? I need you to keep an eye on my bike while I go inside.”

 

“I don’t know, man. Bike like that could go for a lotta money.” The second man fixed me with a cold stare. I wondered if he was half as high as he pretended to be. He seemed pretty savvy.

 

“I’ll give you both a hundred bucks to make sure it stays safe.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

I reached into my pocket and pulled out two fifty dollar bills. “Half now, half when I come out. Okay?” They both reached out to snatch the money from my hands.

 

“Deal,” they muttered.

 

“Don’t go off putting that in your arm before I get back, either.” I stepped around them and walked inside. I could almost hear their thoughts, knowing they had another high coming up. A big one, too. A hundred bucks could buy a lot.

 

I didn’t know exactly who I was looking for, and I took my time as I went from room to room. I half hoped Rae was there. Maybe she spent an entire week getting high. Maybe she knew she was going to do it, and that was why she left Gigi with me. So she could. I had to believe something would go my way.

 

It was disgusting in there. Bodies everywhere, either passed out, half awake, shooting up. In a couple rooms, I saw people fucking right out in the open. Nobody around them cared. They were all in their own worlds. I felt sorry for them for a minute. Nobody would choose a life like that.

 

I didn’t know what The Scarecrow looked like, so I asked around. “You seen The Scarecrow around here?” The few people who were still alert shook their heads. One of them said, “Man, if he was here, I wouldn’t be here. Scary dude.”

 

“Yeah. Scary dude.” He looked at me like I was crazy for even asking. Why would anybody look for a person like him? I couldn’t explain that I wouldn’t if it didn’t have to do with a little girl and a woman who used to mean something to me.

 

When I left, it was like walking out of hell. I took a deep breath of fresh air. It was amazing, the difference from inside to outside. There was actual light outside. It could’ve been any time of day or night inside, with the boarded windows.

 

“You find what you need, man?” I looked down at one of the men who was outside when I went in. He was alone.

 

“Where’d your friend go?”

 

“In there. Couldn’t even wait for the rest of the cash.” He shook his head. I shook mine.

 

“Here.” I handed him another fifty and went back to my bike. It was fine, so he did his job. I was even more depressed than before I went into the drug den. I thought about all the lost people inside, then told myself they were a lost cause. There were other people to think about, people with an actual future. Like my daughter.

 

And Jamie. I tried not to think about her, but she kept pushing her way into my thoughts. The way she looked when she told me off, with those flashing green eyes and heaving tits. She made me catch my breath just thinking about it. I had wanted to do so much more to her than just kiss her. I still wanted to do it.

 

Then I thought about Rae as I rode to her house. How the fuck did she get herself mixed up with a guy like The Scarecrow? He was a legend in our town. A scary legend, the kind you told kids when you wanted to scare them away from drugs. If you weren’t careful, The Scarecrow would eat your soul.

 

Funny how he disappeared, and Rae was gone, too. Did they go somewhere together? I couldn’t imagine the two of them on a beach somewhere. I actually laughed a little at the thought, it was that crazy. No way they did that. So what, then? Where would they go? What could they do together?

 

They didn’t go away together. He sent her away. He probably killed her. I couldn’t ignore the chance that he had. My daughter probably didn’t have a mother anymore. How would I tell her that? How could I break the news to a seven-year-old that her mommy got mixed up with the wrong guy and he killed her?

 

How did the police tell me? They didn’t have to tell me. One thing Gigi and I had in common was a sort of sad understanding. It was the only way I could think to describe it. We both knew more than we should have from a young age. We understood how shitty life could be. I wished I could have protected her from that. When my mom OD’d, nobody had to explain it. I just knew she was dead and that was it. It felt like it had to happen sooner or later. What a shitty thing for a little kid to know without being told.

 

Obviously I couldn’t tell her the truth right away. She’d have to know someday, though. That day would come faster than I wanted it to. I would worry about it when it happened—I had more important things to worry about at that time.

 

I turned my bike in the direction of Rae’s house and hoped I would find something, anything, to settle the mess she had gotten us all into. Otherwise, I didn’t know what I could do to keep my daughter safe.