You'd think I'd be tired of watching Ethan perform by now, but I'm not. If anything, I enjoy watching his performance more every time.

He really does command the stage. He really is in his element with his guitar strap around his shoulders, his eyes on the crowd, his lips curled into a cocky smile.

This is where Ethan belongs.

He doesn't belong with me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm selfish enough I'd take him.

But we both know he would never choose me over music.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It only has to be a compromise. A little less of music for a little more of me. That was all I wanted. I wanted him to care about my dreams as much as I cared about his.

But he didn't.

He threw me away.

I can't take him throwing me away again.

I have to pull back.

Only my feet won't move. My gaze refuses to budge. I hang out backstage, lost in the band's performance, until the lights go down.

In the blink of an eye, Ethan is here. He slides his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. His lips brush against my neck as they make their way to my ear.

"We're leaving first thing tomorrow." He nips at my earlobe. "Means we have the whole night to ourselves."

He pulls back enough to smile.

It's that megawatt Ethan Strong smile, the one that melts glaciers.

I should say no.

I really should.

But that damn smile is melting my reservations.

I nod yes and let him lead me back to the hotel.

I brush my teeth, change into a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts, and I fall asleep in his bed, in his arms.

* * *

The chirp of the alarm is loud. The light of morning is streaming through the curtains.

There's Ethan, lying next to me, his eyes still closed, his dark, wavy hair hanging over his face.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to pull back.

But I don't have a choice. If I stay, if I keep up this level of intimacy, I'm going to fall hard and fast and I'm going to break when he doesn't catch me.

Ethan blinks his eyes open. His gaze goes to the alarm clock. He stares at it like it did him wrong then sighs with pleasure as his slap silences the alarm.

He turns to me.

A smile spreads over his lips as his eyes meet mine. The way he looks at me is the exact opposite of the way he looked at that alarm clock. It's like I've done him right, like he wants more of me for every second of every day forever.

Damn, I'm already melting.

"Come back to bed. We have another hour." His fingers brush my thigh, my arm, my hand. The touch is affectionate, like we're old lovers.

I guess in a way we are.

Sitting in his bed, watching the morning light illuminate his chiseled features, I might as well be his wife. He might as well be my husband. We might as well have promised each other happily ever after.

But we haven't.

We won't.

I need to go before I get lost in this fantasy.

I plant a kiss on his forehead. "I have to catch up on work. I'll meet you on the bus."

He looks at me with all the affection in the world. He nods then his eyelids press together and he falls back onto the bed.

It takes all the strength I have to leave.

* * *

After a long run, a few sets of bodyweight exercises, and a shower, I pack and head to the tour bus.

I get set up in the kitchenette with my headphones, my textbook, and my armada of gel roller pens. I should use pencils like most of my classmates. I should at least buy cheaper pens if I'm going to chew the cap off them. But I can’t. I love the smooth line these leave.

It makes math feel as grand and important as it is.

I'm so lost in work I barely notice Kit's arrival. He nods then plops on the couch with a video game.

Two problems later, Mal steps onto the bus. He and Kit share a particularly strained look. It's strange. I'm pretty sure Mal spent the night with yet another fuck buddy. He should be rested and relaxed, but he looks frustrated and unhappy.

I'm sure the man is frustrated often—it is hard being in charge—but he usually hides it well.

He stops by my alcove to say hello. "Hey, Vi. Where's Ethan?" His eyes bore into mine. Abandoning him already? I thought we talked about this.

I chew the cap off my pen. "He's catching up on sleep."

"Hmmm."

Okay. I'll set the record straight for everyone involved. "Our relationship is casual." Something I'm sure Mal understands. "I don't have him on a leash. As long as he's not screwing other women, he's free to do anything he wants."

Mal opens his mouth to say something but he's interrupted by Joel stepping onto the bus. Joel has two modes in the morning—bursting with caffeinated energy and miserable with a hangover.

He's in the former mode today.

He takes a quick look around the bus. "Damn, Valentine, wasn't it bad enough you needed Ethan's hands during the sound check? Did you have to fuck him so hard he couldn't drag his ass to the bus?"

"Of course I had to. Have you ever looked at Ethan?" I tease back. Joel is a bit of a handful, but he's fun.

"More than I wanted to, yes. Thank you for orchestrating that, by the way." Joel shoots Kit an incredulous look, no doubt some reminder that Kit and Ethan had a threesome.

Kit shrugs, unmoved.

Honestly, I don't care what Ethan did or with whom. I believe that he was sleeping around to forget me. But that's confusing. If he wanted me he could have apologized. He could have called. He could have had me again.

He could still have me.

All he has to do is promise he won't let me leave again.

Mal makes a pot of coffee and another of tea. Without a word, he places a cup of green tea on the table.

I nod thank you.

He nods back don't mention it.

Joel and Kit take turns fixing coffee. Joel really doesn't need more caffeine, but I have enough tact to keep that to myself.

I shift back into work mode. This time, I finish three problems before I’m interrupted. Ethan steps onto the bus. He's in tight jeans and a snug v-neck. His hoodie is hanging around his shoulders, unzipped.

He looks sleepy. Even so, he doesn't stop for coffee. He goes straight to me.

Ethan slides into the seat across from mine. "Hey."

"Hey." I'm already melting from his smile. I force my gaze back to my textbook. Work will wash away all the confusing feelings stirring in my stomach. Somehow.

"I'll let you study." He leans in to kiss me.

I should pull back. I really should.

But I don't. I lean in to kiss him back. His lips are soft and he tastes good, like mint toothpaste and like Ethan. His lips are expert.

He doesn't kiss other women.

Only me.

That must mean something, but I don't know what it is.

I sigh as he releases the kiss.

I don't know what to think. Hell, I don't know which way is up and which way is down.

Joel interrupts my train of thought. "Damn, Strong, didn't you get enough of that shit last night? Or… don't tell me Valentine is selfish." Joel shoots me a faux accusatory look. "Think we all know Ethan spends a lot of time buried between your legs."

"Jealous?" I ask.

Joel shrugs. "You're not my type."

"You have a type?" I ask.

"News to me," Mal says.

"Me too," Ethan says.

"You want to chime in with your thoughts, Rhythmic One?" Joel shoots Kit a knowing look.

Kit shakes his head. "Did you just ask Violet if she sucks Ethan off?"

"Didn't use those words," Joel says.

Again, Kit shakes his head.

"What?" Joel shrugs. "What's the big deal?"

Kit laughs.

Then Mal.

Fuck, even I laugh. Ethan's eyes catch mine. He raises his brows like we're sharing a secret. I'm not sure what the secret is, but I like sharing it with Ethan.

He leans in to whisper. "You want to answer this one?"

I shake my head. "Let him wonder." My cheeks are still at my ears. I have to admit, I love being part of the band family. They can be intense, moody, or bossy and annoying and insensitive a la Malcolm Strong, but they mean well, and they're fun.

"Shit, this must be juicy with the way they're whispering," Joel says.

Mal shoots Joel a cut it out look. "You're on your own if Ethan hits you."

"He's the guitarist," Joel says.

"Got two days till our next show," Mal says. "And Drew owes him one. Bet he'd fill in for Ethan, especially if Ethan punched you for pissing off his girl. Drew understands that kind of thing."

Joel folds his arms. "She's not his girl. They're having fun. They practically wrote it on their foreheads."

"What do you say?" Ethan takes my hand and rubs the space between my thumb and my forefinger. "Want me to kick Joel's ass?"

"Maybe later." I take a long sip of my tea. The beverage is hot, but that's not why I feel warm all over. I want Ethan protecting me. I want Ethan defending my honor, even playfully. That's no good. Need to focus again. I look back to my textbook. "I appreciate the concern about whether or not I'm getting enough cock in my mouth, but I have to work. It's something people who aren't rock stars have to do. I… Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise."

Joel shakes his head with mock outrage. "That hurts me, Valentine. You think I don't work hard?" He pulls his t-shirt up enough to show off his defined abs. "You think this body comes easy?"

"I try not to think about your body coming," I say.

"I can offer some vivid details if that will help," Joel teases.

"Shit, I might punch you at this rate." Mal shakes his head.

Ethan laughs. "Watch yourself, Drummer Boy."

Joel shrugs. "Everybody knows guitarists hit for shit."

"Sure, but Violet does karate. She can kick your ass." Ethan nudges me playfully.

I nod. "I have a purple belt."

Joel takes a step backwards. "Violet doing karate. Now that is scary." He winks at me.

I wink back.

Ethan laughs. The way his laugh lights up his face makes me warm and gooey.

He leans down to plant another kiss on my lips.

That, too, makes me warm and gooey.

"I'll make sure everyone else lets you work too," he whispers.

"Thank you." I bite my lip so I won't add how about I answer Joel's question about whether or not I suck you off right now, in that bunk over there? Who cares about the audience?

Ethan smiles that same megawatt smile then he turns, pours himself a cup of coffee, and joins the video game action on the couch.

Ethan, Kit, and Joel shift into senseless teasing and smack talk. Mal hangs out in his bunk on his laptop. I'm not sure if he's working or playing. Either way, he manages to shoot me I really hope you know what you're doing looks every twenty minutes.

I keep my headphones on and my eyes on my textbook. At this point, I'm too far ahead of the lesson plan. I don't have much left to study in here.

That's no good. I need something concrete and easy to understand. I need numbers.

There's only one thing in the world I'm really good at and it's numbers. Beautiful, tangible, concrete numbers.

If I really want to excel, I need to get serious about what field I want to specialize in. I start looking at genetics jobs in New York City.

Just for the hell of it, I start looking at jobs in Orange County too.

It's not for Ethan.

It's for me.

In case I want to be near home.

I'm not going to be around Ethan unless he's willing to meet me halfway.

If he is…

It's always good to have options.