Chapter Two
Paul
Two years prior …
The bell rang, so I hurried to my locker to grab my history book for fourth period. When I opened it, a familiar piece of paper was sticking out of the top of the book and I smiled. Vanessa knew my schedule inside out. I had just kissed her during out fifteen minute break before third period, but it didn’t matter; we’d sent each other notes between periods every school day since we started dating a year and half ago.
I stuffed the note in my pocket and the book in my backpack and then hurried to my next class before I was late. I made it to class before the bell and then pulled the folded note from my pocket. It was a note that we’d been writing back and forth on the same piece of binder paper.
“You.
Me.
Lunch.”
The smile that was plastered across my face wouldn’t have budged even if you’d punched me as hard as you could square in the jaw. I didn’t know what she meant, but whatever it was, I liked the “you and me” part. I didn’t even care if I didn’t eat. I’d scarf down my food in fifth period if I had to.
After class, I went back to my locker to find Vanessa leaning against it. She was talking to people as they passed and when she saw me approach, she grabbed my hand and tugged me behind her.
“Wait, sunshine. I need to put my book in my locker.”
She sighed. “Hurry and grab your econ book too.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “We won’t be coming back before fifth period?”
“Nope.” She smiled and shook her head.
I eyed her curiously. “You have me intrigued.”
She lifted up on her tiptoes and whispered in my ear, “And you have me horny.”
I was tearing my backpack opened so fast I thought for sure the zipper would break, but it didn’t. I threw my history book in my locker, switched it out with my econ book, and slammed the metal door shut with enough force to cause every girl within a twenty foot radius to jump and the dudes to turn and look at us. From an outsider’s perspective, you might think we were fighting, I was only excited about getting a nooner and tempted to shout the news down the hall.
Vanessa giggled as I grabbed her hand and led her to my car so I could drive us to a nearby park for lunch.
Game day.
One of my favorite days.
I loved the rush I got from the energy of the crowd as I drove the football into the end zone. We all had our passions and football was mine. I practiced every day and I stayed focused because I had my future all mapped out—my future with Vanessa.
We sat on the grass under a tree with the rest of our group of friends during lunch. Today there would be no nooner and I couldn’t skip eating because I had to make sure I was fueled up and ready for tonight.
She sat between my legs, leaning against my chest and wearing my teal and black Letterman jacket to stay warm. “Tomorrow after practice do you want to see a movie?” she asked, looking up at me.
I tilted my head down a little and kissed her forehead. “Yeah, sunshine, whatever you want to do.”
“What if we go check out some of the apartments next to UCLA and see what they’re like?”
“Oh, so now you want to live with me?” I teased. After we graduated, I was going to go to the University of California Los Angeles and Vanessa would get into modeling. She’d already modeled for a few catalogs and had been featured in an orange juice commercial when she was younger, but she wanted to be the next Cindy Crawford and I knew she could be.
She sat up, then turned around on her knees and grabbed my cheeks with both her hands playfully. Our mouths were inches apart as she looked directly into my eyes. “Wouldn’t it be better if we lived together, rather than you being tired all the time in class?”
I cracked a smile. “And why would I be tired all the time?”
“Oh my God, if you two don’t go get a room—”
“Shh, Amber, Nessa is telling me something important. Go on,” I promoted.
“You know you can’t get enough of me,” she whispered. “So if we aren’t living together,” I let her continue, but I knew what she would say because we’d already had a similar conversation. We were in love and I wanted to live with her. I didn’t care about living on campus. I wanted to be with her. I could still go to parties, still hang with friends, hang with teammates. We could find an apartment close to campus. “You’ll be sleeping less because you’ll have to commute all the time.”
“I like where your head is at, and I like what you’re thinking right now.”
She smirked. “How do you know what I’m thinking?”
“Please, sunshine. I know everything about you.” I kissed her lips briefly.
“Seriously, get a room,” Amber groaned.
“We can find a place close to campus. It won’t be bad. Trust me.”
She smiled before she agreed and then kissed me quickly and turned back around in my arms. We stayed like that the rest of our lunch break while the group chatted about the game and weekend plans. When the bell rang, Vanessa handed me a folded up piece of paper.
“Can’t wait to see you kick ass tonight! Maybe after, I’ll let you smack mine.”
A million thoughts ran through my head. Okay two: doggie or anal. I was down for either.
The Friday night lights shined down on the brown leather pigskin between my gloved fingers as I ran, dodging the blur of white and missing the body that tried to tackle me as I made my way toward the end zone. With each stride, I breathed in the cool sea breeze coming from the Pacific Ocean just a little over a block away.
I dodged another tackle before meeting the safety head on at the goal line. Our helmets clashed together, vibrating against my skull and causing me to lose focus for a slight second. I powered through, spinning and falling over the white line to make another touchdown. The crowd went wild, the cheers deafening, but there was just one I cared about. After I stood and tossed the football to the referee, I scanned the bleachers for my girl.
The moment my eyes locked with hers, it confirmed something was wrong. I’d noticed something was off every time I’d looked at her during the game. She wasn’t cheering, she wasn’t laughing with Amber, and she wasn’t bright like the sun—my sunshine. Vanessa was only clapping with the crowd and giving me a tight smile. Something was definitely wrong and I didn’t like it.
What the fuck?
I wanted to run up and ask, but I couldn’t. We were in the fourth quarter with only four minutes left. I would get answers soon enough, though. Every Friday night after our home games, we went across the street to the beach to celebrate all my touchdowns.
Tonight would be no different.
After all, I had three to celebrate—so far.
“PJ!” Marcus yelled, slapping me on the back. “Nice game.”
I gave him a nod as I scanned the crowd of bodies, searching for my girl. Most home games were the same: we won, and then the school came across the street to celebrate with a bonfire. We would have a few kegs in the back of trucks that were easy to drive off with if the cops showed up, and we’d all drink until we couldn’t feel the cold California breeze any longer. A few would light up or smoke weed, but I wasn’t into that shit. I was more or less a superstar for Malibu High; an athlete with a full ride to UCLA and graduating this year. I couldn’t chance anything happening.
My gaze continued to scan the crowd as best I could in the dark, the only light coming from the orange flame of the fire burning and the moon. I didn’t see Vanessa or Amber anywhere.
“Bro, that was sick at the end how you just plowed through that dude for your fourth TD of the night,” Clint, another classmate, beamed, reaching out his hand to bring me in for a bro hug.
“Thanks, man.” I smiled. “Have you seen Nessa?”
“Yeah, I think I saw her go down to the water.”
“Cool.” I clapped him on the back and started to jog around the people and through the sand until I got in the clear. I looked right and then left, but didn’t spot her. I was about to turn around and go back when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her and Amber sitting on a rock to my left, not near the water at all. I jogged over to them.
“Hey, sunshine, you okay?” I asked, kneeling down so I was eye to eye with her.
She looked to Amber before turning toward me. “We need to talk.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Amber asked.
Why the fuck would Amber need to stay for me to talk to my girlfriend?
Vanessa shook her head. “No, I’ll be okay.”
“What’s going on?” I asked as Amber walked away. Vanessa looked to her right and then back to me, her glassy brown eyes looking into mine.
“What’s wrong?” I sat on the rock and pulled Vanessa into my lap, draping her legs over mine. She rested her head on my shoulder, her left arm around my neck as she started to cry.
“Talk to me, babe.”
She sniffled. “I’m …” She stopped and I waited, but she only cried more. I pulled her as close to me as I could. She was almost shivering in my Letterman jacket.
“What’s wrong, sunshine? Is it us?” She stilled and my heart sank. “Sun—”
“I’m pregnant!” she blurted.
She cried harder, her body shaking in my arms, and I rocked her until she stopped crying because I had no idea what else to do. As I sat with her in my arms, staring out into the dark sky with the ocean waves crashing in the distance, the thought hit me.
I was going to be a father at eighteen.
We stared at the pregnancy tests, both not sure if we were reading them correctly. We decided she should take five more home tests to make sure she was really pregnant.
“Does one or two lines mean that you’re pregnant?” I asked her. She stared at the sticks, not saying anything. “Sunshine…”
“I’m pregnant.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I pull out each time.”
“Fuck, Paul, this can’t be happening. We can’t be parents. I’m going to be a supermodel. I can’t have stretch marks.”
“They have Photoshop,” I joked, trying to make light of the situation. I was freaking out, but I didn’t want to show it because if I did then she’d freak out more and I didn’t want my parents to hear.
“Are you serious right now?” she snapped.
“Yes, I’m serious. No model is one-hundred percent natural on anything out there.”
“I can’t have a baby, Paul!”
I didn’t like when she used my real name. People called me PJ and when things got hot and heavy, Vanessa called me God. “We’ll make it work. I promise.” I’d commute to UCLA from Malibu, and while she went to shoots, our parents could take care of the baby when I was in class or had a game. We could make this work. I knew we could. We were both staying local.
She started pacing my room. “How can we make it work? I don’t want a kid, Paul. I have dreams.”
“And I don’t?” Her tone made me snap.
“Of course you do, but mine are about my looks. I can’t be some fat heifer with stretch marks.”
I watched her pace for a moment. “Do you care about my dreams?”
She stopped walking and tilted her head slightly as if I’d lost my mind. “Of course I do.”
My heart was hurting the more she talked only about her dreams. We always talked about our dreams; how I would go pro, how she would be a supermodel, how we would get married, how we would start a family, and how we would be together forever. I knew we didn’t plan to get pregnant during high school, but Vanessa didn’t have plans to attend college like I had. Did she even think about that? Did she even care?
“Do you?” I challenged. “Because I’m willing to bust my ass every day to build a future for us, Vanessa. Not me. Us!” I snapped. “Do you even love me?”
Her head snapped back as if I’d slapped her. “What?”
“I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t.”
“How could you say that?”
I expected her to cry. Part of me had said it to see if she would. Maybe I was an asshole because I wanted her to cry, to prove she cared about me and not the stretch marks she’d get from being pregnant—that she’d kept mentioning.
“Well, do you?”
She hesitated before answering and at that moment I had my answer. “Yes, of—”
I chuckled sarcastically. “You’re just with me because I’m the captain of the football team. Fucking All-State tight end. You think going along with me is going to get you places, sugar?”
“Why are you saying these things to me?” she whispered.
“They’re true aren’t they? Tell me, Vanessa, what are you more upset about? Being pregnant because of stretch marks or having a baby at seventeen?” I didn’t bother to ask if having a baby with me was a factor. If she was tied to me for eighteen years and I was a pro-football player, then she’d at least get money out of me and that had probably been her plan all along.
“I’m gonna go.”
“You do that,” I hissed. I was done. I needed to cool off before I said something more I’d regret. Vanessa had my entire heart, but the more I spoke, the more I felt myself pushing her away.
When she opened the door to my room, she turned. “The real reason I was crying last night wasn’t because I’m pregnant. It’s because I never thought I’d have to go through an abortion.”
My head snapped up. “You’ve already made up your mind?”
“Of course I have. I’m seventeen, PJ. I can’t be tied down with a baby. I have dreams.”
I pulled her back into my room and shut the door. “What do you mean you’ve already made up your mind?” I barked, spit flying from my mouth.
She wiped her chin. “You don’t get to make this decision.”
“The hell I don’t!”
“It’s my body!”
I stepped closer, coming nose to nose with her. “It’s my baby, too. My fucking blood.”
“This is not up for discussion anymore.” She pushed my chest, but I didn’t budge. I was like a brick wall especially when I was pissed as fuck. “Move out of my way.”
“No.” I shook my head.
She started to poke my chest with each word. “I. Don’t. Want. Kids. Now get out of my way!”
I stared at her. “You’re going to get rid of our baby? It’s a part of us! We made that baby together and you’re just going to go and get rid of it? You really don’t love me, do you?” She looked past me, not saying a word.
I had my answer.
“You disgust me. Get the fuck out of here,” I spat. I didn’t know what more to say or do. She was carrying my baby and was going to get rid of it like it was yesterday’s trash. She didn’t once shed a tear. I, however, cried like a little bitch the moment I saw her pull away.
She was taking more than just my heart with her; she was taking something I’d created. I was by no means ready to be a father, but I wanted to be with Vanessa forever. I loved her more than anything … More than football. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night.
And now we were done.
After I’d manned up, I got in my car and drove around for an hour feeling weak until I saw a sign:
Army Strong
It was as if it was calling to me. Without another thought, I pulled in front of the building, turned off my car, and walked inside.
That was the day I put my country’s dreams before my own.