Chapter Ten
It had taken forever to reach Shane’s cabin, and Rafa could feel his blood pressure rising. His mother was acting like nothing was wrong and she hadn’t been massively out of line at the house, and Shane having to stay in the back of the train was the cherry on top.
He glanced left and right after knocking softly. The curving corridor remained empty, and as the door opened a foot, he shimmied in to the left and just managed to squeeze it shut behind him, his knees bumping the side of the bed that filled the narrow space.
“This is ridiculous!” Rafa exclaimed. “Fine, I get why we can’t share, but you should get a full cabin with a bathroom. Not be stuck back here.”
In a T-shirt and plaid PJ bottoms, Shane was on his back on the narrow mattress, his right leg bent, knee leaning against the window. He’d drawn the shade, even though there seemed to be only endless miles of nothing beyond the train in the darkness. He shrugged.
“It’s okay. It’s actually comfortable. Cozy. And I’ll use your shower tomorrow.” He reached for Rafa’s hand. “They said this was the only cabin left, so let’s accept that. Give your parents the benefit of the doubt.”
“I guess,” Rafa grumbled.
Shane smiled softly, tugging his hand. “C’mere.”
Rafa stretched out on top of him, fitting between his legs with a sigh. “Maybe I can just stay here tonight.”
He chuckled. “You might get a little heavy after a while.” He traced a finger over Rafa’s freckles as if he was cataloguing them. When he touched them so reverently, it made Rafa’s belly somersault pleasantly. “Besides, we don’t want to piss off your parents.”
Rafa scoffed. “Am I supposed to pretend that we sleep in separate beds at home? In our one-bedroom house?”
“No, but this is their trip. I’m a guest.”
“Yeah, okay.” He dropped his head to nuzzle at Shane’s throat. Five o’clock shadow rasped against his lips.
“Your dad came to see me after we boarded.”
Rafa jerked up his head. “What did he say?”
“He apologized again. Said he wants to move forward. Dinner was pretty good, don’t you think?’
Rafa knew he wasn’t talking about the food, although the grilled kangaroo had been delicious. “Yeah. It wasn’t bad. The conductor was a good buffer.” The man had been full of information and stories about the train, and having him join them for dinner meant the rest of them hadn’t had to talk much.
Resting his head on Shane’s chest, he scooted down and got comfortable. Shane snuck his hand up the back of Rafa’s button-up shirt and traced his spine rhythmically.
For a little while, they just…were. Rafa closed his eyes, the rocking of the train and Shane’s warmth and caress lulling him. Then Shane spoke quietly.
“I saw Jules and Dylan when I was in DC.”
Now Rafa was wide awake, but he didn’t lift his head. He rubbed Shane’s bicep and asked, “How was it?”
“Terrible. He’s dying. They say there’s nothing else that can be done.”
“God. I feel so bad for her. I mean, for the kid too. It’s so unfair. Why do such awful things have to happen to good people?”
“The eternal question.”
Rafa thought of Shane’s parents and hugged him tightly.
“I stopped on the way and bought a bunch of toys, but once I saw him, I realized he’s too far gone to even get out of bed. I was standing there with an armload of crap he can’t play with. Felt like such an asshole.”
The train rocked and rattled, and Rafa pressed kisses to Shane’s neck. “You’re not an asshole.”
“Mmm. Depends on who you ask.” Shane’s hand was warm and gentle on Rafa’s back.
“You’re not an asshole,” he repeated. He couldn’t help a moment of happiness that Shane had confided in him, even if it was about something so sad.
They held each other, Rafa’s kisses on Shane’s neck turning into long sucks. Shane turned his head, murmuring and rolling his hips up.
When they kissed, it was deep and slow, their tongues meeting, tasting like minty toothpaste. Rafa squeezed his hands between them, up under Shane’s tee. He tweaked Shane’s nipples and raked his nails gently through his chest hair.
Shane urged him to sit up and straddle his hips, then unbuttoned Rafa’s shirt slowly, his gaze heavy-lidded. He parted the soft material and ran his hands over Rafa’s chest, only brushing his nipples, then dipping lower to tease the hair on his belly. Back up again. Rafa moaned low in his throat, rolling his hips to get friction on his swelling dick still trapped in his pants.
Shane unzipped him and pulled out his cock, urging Rafa forward to brace on his hands beside the pillow. “Feed it to me.” He scooted down.
Rafa crawled up, groaning, Shane keeping him steady as the train suddenly swayed sharply to the right. Then Shane had his hips, and he sucked Rafa’s cock deep into his mouth, almost all the way into his throat.
Rafa couldn’t stop the gasps and cries as Shane sucked him. His arms trembled as Shane took him deeply, his tongue running up and down the ridge of the shaft.
“Oh fuck,” Rafa mumbled. The wet pressure surrounded him, and he ducked his head to glimpse Shane’s lips stretched around his dick.
His heart swelled with so much love he thought he might explode. Suddenly he was desperate to have Shane inside him, to taste him too. “Wait. Need…”
Shane immediately released Rafa’s dick from his mouth, his brow furrowing as Rafa clumsily shifted backwards. “What do you need, baby?”
Breathing too hard, his body too on fire to form a sentence, he contorted himself around until he faced the other direction. Right below him, Shane’s cock tented his PJs, and he quickly freed it with shaking hands as Shane tugged down Rafa’s boxers and pants to his knees.
Shane pressed open-mouthed kisses to Rafa’s ass, stroking his thighs. Then they were blowing each other, and he didn’t know where he ended and Shane began, like the snake eating its own tail.
There was nothing else but mouths and tongues and hands and breath, the train pitching and shaking. It was like they were one person, and Rafa thought of that cheesy line from that old movie: “You complete me.”
No matter what happened, no matter how crappy Rafa’s parents were, he and Shane were united. It was them against the world—there was nothing between them. He was inside Shane, and Shane was inside him, and they were unstoppable.
Rafa dug his fingers into Shane’s hairy thighs and came, a burst of pleasure crashing through him as he sucked harder. Shane swallowed around Rafa’s twitching cock, caressing his balls and milking him through the aftershocks. He groaned around Rafa’s shaft.
When Shane shot his load, Rafa swallowed as much as he could from his position, some of it dribbling out of his mouth and down to his chin. He coughed and had to pull up, and Shane gently released him. He shifted around on the narrow bed, sprawling on Shane’s feet as they caught their breath.
Breathing hard through his mouth, Shane whispered, “You’re so beautiful.”
His pants were around his knees and cum streaked his flushed face. But in that moment, Rafa truly felt beautiful. His eyes burned with the sudden threat of stupid tears, and he flattened himself on Shane, kissing him and molding into his arms until he could breathe again.
When Rafa entered the platinum carriage, one of the agents stationed outside his parents’ room knocked on the door. He wanted to race into his own cabin, but he walked steadily, and when his mother appeared in the hallway, he said, “Hey, Mom!” like nothing was wrong.
Of course everything was wrong and he was still pissed at her, but he was going to be the bigger person if it killed him. When she didn’t say anything, he prompted, “What’s up?”
Can she tell I was just sixty-nining? Can she smell it on me? Fuck it, I don’t care if she can. Deal with it, Mom.
She walked several feet down the corridor, and Rafa followed. The agents could probably still hear them, but that was nothing new. He steeled himself for whatever asshole thing she was going to say.
“I behaved badly yesterday,” Camila murmured.
Oh. “Um, yeah. You really did.”
She regarded him in the low light of the corridor, steadying herself on the wall as the swaying train rumbled over a bumpy patch. “I was rude and unkind. It was beyond the pale. I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “Okay. Um, thank you.” He waited for her to add on a bunch of excuses and explanations about how she was right, though.
But she didn’t. She only leaned up and kissed his cheek, then wiped off the smudge of her lingering lipstick. “I’ve missed you so much. Sleep well, sweetheart.”
She was almost inside her cabin when Rafa could swallow the lump in his throat and say, “You too.” His anger was still there in the mess of emotions bubbling in him, but she was trying. It was a start, at least.
In the doorway of their cabin, Matthew stumbled. From his bed near the exterior window on the right side of the train, Rafa sat up. He’d closed the blinds on the window to the corridor, but kept the bathroom light on and door ajar, and in the beam of light, his brother swayed. “You okay, Matty?”
“Yeah.” He closed the door behind him, slumping against it.
“Do you always drink this much?” The question was out before Rafa could stop himself. He braced, but Matthew only laughed sardonically.
“No. Don’t worry, I’m not an alkie. Probably just a chip off the old block. Mom was pretty blasted last night, huh?”
“Yeah. It sucked.”
“Dad was pissed. I got the impression she outdid herself.” He rubbed his face, yawning. “She just can’t help it.”
“Yeah. She actually apologized a little earlier. I think she meant it.”
“I’m sure she did. She’s not, like, evil. It only feels like that sometimes.”
Rafa laughed softly. “Sometimes.”
“I don’t know why she can’t just accept this with Shane. It’s not like you’re ruining your life by being with a guy who loves you.” He snorted. “If anyone’s ruining their life, it’s me. I’m a total fuckup.”
“You are not! It’s not your fault you got injured. You’re going to get through this.”
Grunting noncommittally, Matthew pushed off the door and shuffled into the bathroom, bracing himself with his good hand, the train rattling and wobbling. Rafa waited, listening to his brother piss, then run the tap for a while, seemingly brushing his teeth, the soft sounds of spitting accompanying the water.
Matthew flicked off the light and stripped down to his boxers before shimmying through the foot of space separating the two twin beds and carefully lowering himself to the mattress. He settled on his back under the duvet, his upper body partially propped up on extra pillows.
Rafa raised the shade on the exterior window so he could see snatches of stars blanketing the black sky.
After a few minutes, Matthew said, “I don’t know if I will.”
Rafa rolled onto his side facing his brother. “There are still two years until the Olympics. It’s not over.”
“The thing is, I don’t know if I’m good enough. The difference between a medal and nothing is seconds. Hundredths of seconds.” He snapped his fingers. “That can be the difference. Just that. All that work for nothing.”
“But do you love it?”
“I used to. I could escape in the pool. Get away from the White House circus. Now, I don’t know.”
“Do you miss it? This must be the longest stretch of time that you haven’t been in a pool since we were kids.”
“I… I miss the routine. The certainty. The purpose. But do I actually miss swimming?” Metal screeched distantly, the train’s constant sway and rumble filling the silence. Matthew stared at the ceiling. “I can’t tell.”
“What else would you do? If you don’t want to swim anymore?”
“I have no fucking clue.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in the moonlight, voice hoarse. “That’s what scares me.”
Rafa reached across the narrow space between their beds and squeezed his good arm. “Don’t be scared. You’ll figure it out. I’ll help you.”
Matthew gripped his wrist as Rafa pulled back. He was still a little drunk, but his eyes were clear in the moonlight. “You’re a good brother, and I’ve been shit. I let you deal with all your crap alone.”
“It’s okay. It’s all in the past now anyway. We’re moving forward.”
“Yeah. Okay.” He nodded, his fingers relaxing, eyes suddenly getting heavy.
“Whether you keep swimming or not, you’ll figure it out. We will.”
“Thanks, Raf. Fuck, I’m a mess. Sorry.”
“Sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.” He gently pulled free of Matthew’s grasp.
“Right. Yeah.”
Yet as the minutes ticked by and Matthew’s breathing evened out and deepened, Rafa stayed stubbornly awake. He shivered a little when he sat up and the covers pooled at his waist, so he got up and pulled a Bondi Beach hooded sweatshirt over his plaid pajama bottoms. Knees to his chest, he sat on his bed and stared out at the night.
The steady rumble and rattle of the train as it powered through the outback was strangely comforting. They were miles and miles from anything now, and beyond the lights of the train there were only dark shapes of hills and the occasional fence.
They’d be stopping in a town called Broken Hill before six o’clock in the morning, where buses would be waiting to take them on an optional excursion for an hour before re-boarding the train.
Rafa knew he should try and sleep, but he was mesmerized, sitting in the dark cabin, looking out at the shadowy landscape passing by. It was so barren and stark and unfamiliar. He spotted the red glare of taillights, and pressed his forehead to the glass, watching the vehicle—a pick-up truck, it looked like—until it disappeared.
Who was driving? Where did they live? Probably at one of the farming stations or perhaps in a tiny town. What was their life like out here? Rafa tried to remember a term he’d heard to describe the outback, and it nagged at him, the words almost within his grasp. He pulled out his phone, but of course there was no signal. He tucked it back in a little drawer between the beds.
Finally it came to him—back of beyond. Looking out onto that vast land, loneliness took hold of him, digging in with blunt fingers. There was something about the silence of the middle of the night that made him contemplative, and his mind spun over questions that had no answer—was there life after death? Was there a heaven? Was there anything beyond this planet they lived on?
Huffing softly, he shook his head. He needed to sleep, not ponder the mysteries of the freaking universe. Yet even when he curled under the blankets and closed his eyes, sleep wouldn’t come. The constant shaking and occasional whine of metal on metal was pleasant, yet it kept him awake at the same time.
He gave up and slipped on his flip-flops. Maybe a little walk would clear his head and tire him out. Besides, perhaps Shane was awake too. Rafa grinned to himself. Another nice little orgasm would surely help him sleep. He eased open the cabin door and closed it carefully behind him.
He turned and almost immediately walked into one of the agents who stood guard. The man, who was Asian and about thirty, momentarily steadied Rafa with a hand on his shoulder. Then he simply raised an eyebrow.
“Can’t sleep,” Rafa whispered. “I’m going for a walk.”
The agent regarded him evenly, his eyebrow still popped.
Embarrassment and indignation warred. “I’m allowed to,” Rafa hissed. He resisted adding, “You’re not the boss of me!”
The agent simply nodded and turned his gaze away, surveying the empty corridor and then standing there with his hands clasped in front of him. Rafa passed him and took a deep, calming breath. He had nothing to apologize for! Even if he was going to Shane’s cabin to fuck, it wasn’t the Secret Service’s business. Or his mom and dad’s.
Another agent was stationed in the platinum lounge, and Rafa nodded to him as he passed, head held high and shoulders back. He made his way along the train, carriage by carriage. There were a few staff members around, and they each smiled and greeted him and asked if there was anything he needed.
My boyfriend’s dick would be fabulous, so just get out of my way.
Finally he made it to the car with the single berths. There was no one about, and he traced one hand along the curving wall as he neared Shane’s tiny cabin. Over the shake and clang of the train, he heard a deep voice. For a moment he wondered if Shane was talking to himself, but as he stopped outside the door, he realized it was someone else.
It was Darnell.
Confusion reigned for a moment since there was no cell signal and Shane couldn’t be talking to Darnell on the phone. Then he realized it was one of the voice messages Darnell liked to send sometimes. It must have downloaded onto Shane’s phone earlier while they were still in reach of civilization.
Rafa lifted his hand, fingers curled to knock softly at the door. But his fist hovered there as he listened to Darnell’s baritone.
“Look, man. I really think you should talk to a shrink if these nightmares aren’t going away. There’s no shame in it.”
Nightmares? Plural? Rafa’s heart thumped. I knew it. There had been something off lately with Shane, and…
And Shane had confided in Darnell about it and not him?
Hurt seized him with a sharp, vicious twist, followed by a flood of shame as he thought of how a few hours earlier he’d felt so connected to Shane, like they were two halves of one person.
His heart had been so full, and now he stood there feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed his ear to the cabin door.
“It makes sense that the inquest stirred all this shit up again. Those dreams sound brutal. Clearly your brain is trying to process. I know you don’t want to tell your boy, but—”
A bolt of fury exploded, and Rafa thumped the door with his fist. I. Am. Not. A. Boy! Did Shane even respect him at all as an equal? Did he tell him anything real, or did he save all that for Darnell?
The recorded voice went silent, and the cabin door opened, Shane on his knees on the bed, blinking into the low light of the corridor. He stared at Rafa. “What are you…?”
Rafa pushed inside, squeezing into the corner of the stupidly small space to get the door shut behind him. The blind was up, moon and starlight giving the dark cabin a silvery glow. His fingers twitched into fists, and he shifted his weight back and forth on his feet as he hissed, “I am not a boy!”
Sitting on his feet on the narrow bed, Shane gaped at him for a moment before jerking his head back. “Were you listening?”
Guilt was obliterated by righteous anger. “Why shouldn’t I hear what Darnell says? We’re partners, aren’t we?”
“That doesn’t mean we don’t get privacy if we want it,” Shane whispered harshly. “How long were you out there?”
“Why? What did he say that you don’t want me to hear?”
Shane huffed out a breath. “It doesn’t matter what he said. You shouldn’t be skulking around eavesdropping.”
“I wasn’t ‘skulking.’ I couldn’t sleep, and I came to see if you were awake. Then I heard a voice, and I realized it was him.”
“Yes, Darnell sent a vext earlier. I couldn’t sleep either, so I was listening. I told you, he doesn’t mean anything by ‘boy,’ but I’ll tell him not to use that word.”
“When you tell him more about the nightmares you won’t talk to me about?”
Shane visibly tensed, then rubbed a hand over his stubbly face. “It’s nothing to worry about.”
“No. It’s something. Something you trust him with and not me.”
He reached out for Rafa’s clenched hand. “Baby, it’s not—”
“No!” Rafa jerked away, thumping against the door. “Why have you been lying to me? That night, when you said you were sick and locked yourself in the bathroom. Was that true?”
He sighed and dropped his gaze, which was answer enough.
“If you’re having nightmares, why won’t you talk to me?”
“Because you have enough to worry about.”
“That’s such a bullshit excuse!”
“Lower your voice!” Shane hissed.
“No!”
He raised his eyebrows and whispered, “You want whoever’s in the cabins around here to sell our fight to the media? Want them to record it on their phone?”
Rafa struggled against the ridiculous urge to disagree just for the sake of it. He forced a deep breath, blood rushing in his ears. Then he gritted out in a whisper, “It’s still a bullshit excuse. We’re supposed to share the stuff we worry about. That’s what partners do. You think I can’t handle it?”
“You just have so much stuff to deal with right now. Your parents’ visit, starting the Cordon Bleu soon. I didn’t want to stress you out with this—” He waved his hand. “This whatever. I don’t know why these nightmares have started. I’m sure they’ll stop now that I’ve testified and it’s all in the past.”
“What are you dreaming about?”
He shook his head. “Just stressful crap.”
“About the kidnapping?”
“Yes. And you were the one who was kidnapped, but you’re fine, so it makes no sense that I’m having nightmares.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, and Rafa could see the guilt in his eyes.
A bit of his anger dampened, like turning down the flame on a gas stove, still burning, but not as powerfully. “I’ve had nightmares too sometimes. And I talked to a therapist every week for months. Maybe you should see someone when we get back.”
But Shane brushed it off. “It’ll be fine. I don’t need to talk to a shrink.”
In an instant, the gas turned up to high again. Rafa spat, “But you’ll talk to Darnell no problem?”
“He’s a cop. He understands what it’s like. We’re old friends.”
“Is that all you are? Did you have sex with him when you went back to DC?”
Shane blinked at him. His mouth opened and closed before he loudly whispered, “No! Of course not.”
“But you have in the past. You’ve fucked him. Why should I believe you that you didn’t this time? I had to hear about it from my mother of all people!” The humiliation flooded back. He knew he should be able to talk rationally, like an adult, but his nerves were rubbed raw and jangling.
“Wait, what?” Shane’s nostrils flared. “Your mother said I had sex with Darnell last week? If she’s having me followed, her PI is feeding her lies.” He clenched his jaw, spitting out the words. “You think I’d have sex with someone else? You think I’d do that? Not to mention, then be with you without a condom?”
The swirling mess of anger and confusion became murkier in the face of the hurt shining from Shane’s eyes, and guilt rejoined the party. “No. I know you wouldn’t.” He raked a hand over his too-short hair. “Fuck, I’m just… Why won’t you talk to me? Why can you tell him what’s really going on in your head? Why can’t you tell me?”
“You’re right. I should have talked to you.”
Rafa punched a fist against his own thigh. “Yes, you should have! You tell me you love me, but you don’t actually tell me shit! Like how you and Darnell used to fuck, right?”
Shane held up his palms, exasperated. “It’s in the past. I honestly never thought about it. It wasn’t relevant.”
“Not relevant?” His voice rose, and Rafa lowered it again with effort. “I think it’s pretty damn relevant when you were sleeping at his house.”
“We’re only friends now. And it was never more than friends with benefits in the past. It was just sex.”
“Well, I’m sorry I can’t be so dismissive of it. Sex means a lot to me. It’s not nothing.”
Shane got his feet out from under him and awkwardly stood in the corner of space left beside Rafa. “Sex with you is different. I’m in love with you.” He reached out, but Rafa snatched his hand away.
“I asked if Darnell was gay or seeing anyone—I gave you the opportunity to tell me the truth, and you didn’t say anything about your past with him.”
Shane’s eyes flashed. “If you’d just asked me if I fucked him, you would have gotten an answer to the question you were really asking. I can’t read your mind!”
They were almost chest-to-chest now, both of them breathing hard, harsh pants in the quiet of the tiny cabin. Rafa shook his head. “I need to—I can’t—” He squeezed around and tried to open the door, but of course there was no room. He pushed back against Shane. “Move! I need to go. Can’t do this right now.”
Shane caught his hips, his hot breath putting the hair on the back of Rafa’s neck on end. “Wait. Please. Let’s talk this out.”
But panic clawed at Rafa, and he shoved back, getting the door open a few inches. “Not now!”
Sighing, Shane retreated to the bed, and Rafa was able to escape. In the corridor, he plunged back the way he came, his lungs painfully tight. His flip-flops flapped as he made it to the end of the carriage and hauled open the heavy door. He realized Shane was behind him, and almost started running, holding onto the walls as the train rattled and swayed.
In the next car, an agent was walking farther down the narrow passage. He must have heard Rafa open the door, and he turned and approached. When they met halfway, the man—older, balding, blond hair and dark eyebrows—asked, “Is everything all right?” Then his gaze jerked beyond Rafa, the door closing behind Shane with a thud.
“Raf,” Shane called softly as he walked toward them.
The agent frowned. “Would you like me to escort you back to your cabin?”
Rafa was about to tell him he wasn’t a kid and didn’t need a damn escort, but he stopped, the words dying in his throat. He managed a nod, and the agent deftly ushered Rafa ahead of him and blocked Shane’s progress.
“We need to talk this out.” Shane spoke calmly, glaring daggers at the agent.
Rafa’s head spun, thoughts too jumbled and contradictory to figure out. “Just leave me alone right now.” It was a dick move to use the agent to block Shane, but Rafa couldn’t deal.
“You heard Mr. Castillo,” the agent said. “Please return to your cabin.”
“Are you f—” Shane’s jaw snapped shut. He inhaled loudly through his nose. “Okay. I’ll talk to you in the morning, Raf. Try to get some sleep.” With that, he turned on his heel and stalked away, the door at the end of the carriage shutting with a thud.
“Are you sure everything’s all right?” the agent asked.
“Uh-huh.” Rafa walked into the next car, already feeling bereft at Shane’s absence. He muttered to the agent, “I’m good. Thanks.”
“I’ll just escort you anyway now that I’ve completed my patrol.”
Rafa wanted to argue, but he’d had enough for one night. Simmering in confusion and resentment, he walked back to his cabin with the agent on his heels, a reminder that his life would never really be normal.