Chapter Eleven
By five, many of the train passengers were stirring, preparing for the excursion in Broken Hill. Shane stared out the window at the dry scrub, the sky starting to brighten as the train rumbled onward. He hadn’t slept a wink, and acid bubbled in his gut. He hadn’t even tried to sleep after the fight with Rafa.
Fuck.
It genuinely hadn’t occurred to him to tell Rafa that he’d slept with Darnell in the past. Of course now he realized how utterly stupid he’d been, how truly thoughtless. Yet hurt lingered. Festered. How could Rafa actually think Shane would cheat on him?
Yes, Rafa still struggled with insecurity, but it stung nonetheless. Didn’t he know how much Shane adored him? More than anything or anyone else on the planet? How much Shane trusted him? They were sharing a life together now.
So why didn’t you tell him the truth about the nightmares?
Guilt festered along with the hurt. He’d wanted to protect Rafa, but himself as well. He just wanted the fucking nightmares to stop and go away, but maybe he had to face them first.
Yes, he should have told Rafa the truth. He could admit his fuck-up. But for Rafa to think he’d cheat was still a kick in the nuts. It probably wasn’t fair, but the lack of faith knocked the wind right out of him. Part of him wanted to go to Rafa’s cabin and make him talk this through, but maybe it was best to give it a little time for both of them to lick their wounds.
He imagined how he’d feel if Rafa went to spend the night with a man he used to fuck—which of course led to thoughts of Rafa with other men. Suffice it to say, Shane’s caveman side did not like the idea one little bit.
He was unpleasantly reminded of the months they were apart after Shane left the White House. How he had examined every paparazzi photo of Rafa in the tabloid rags, his heart aching at the mere sight of him, his head over-analyzing Rafa’s potential relationship with any males near him.
There had been one picture snapped leaving a gay bar in Charlottesville. At first glance, Shane’s chest had loosened. Ashleigh was at Rafa’s side, laughing, and Rafa was smiling too. But then Shane’s gaze had zeroed in on the young man just behind. Rafa’s head was turned slightly toward him, this blond, built, frat-boy type. Frat boy had seemed to be saying something, and Rafa was listening.
It was embarrassing now to think of how long he’d stared at that damn picture. He’d finally closed the browser and cleared his internet history, feeling far too much like a creepy stalker. It had taken more effort than it should have not to search for the photo again the next day.
He’d hatched his plan to quit his job and fly halfway around the world on the chance Rafa would still want him. Instead, Rafa had come to him. Stretching out on his bed now and closing his eyes, the train swaying steadily, Shane let himself go back to that moment on the beach.
How his heart had leapt, and it had been all he could do to keep his cool and not race across the sand to sweep up Rafa in his arms. How Rafa had declared his love, how his lips had tasted—sweet from the slushee, with a tang of salt from the sea air. They’d finally been able to go to bed together. In a real bed, where they could take their time, finally unafraid. Where Shane finally fucked him.
His balls tingled now as he remembered Rafa on his knees, ass in the air, spreading himself open with his hands, offering himself, begging for it. Shane spit in his palm and slid his hand into his pajama bottoms, stroking as he lost himself in the memories.
After the argument and unresolved frustration, he ached for a release, and jerking off would have to do. He let himself remember the pleasure and excitement and nervousness and affection that had flitted across Rafa’s expressive face the first time. Rafa had been so tight and wonderful, still so unsure of himself.
“You really want me.”
Shane bent his legs and dug into the mattress with his heels, thrusting into his fist, breathing harder, flesh slapping. He’d never wanted another man the way he wanted Rafa. Not just with his cock, but his heart. He ached with that tenderness. Rafa wasn’t only the first man he’d fucked raw—he was the first man Shane had made love to, as corny as it sounded.
He fondled his hairy balls with his other hand, remembering what it had been like to come inside him with nothing between them, how every time, he imagined he left a bit of himself inside like a fingerprint.
He should have gotten up and went to Rafa’s cabin so they could deal with their issues, but he was helpless against the onslaught of memories and pleasure. He just wanted to lose himself for a few minutes before reality crashed back over him like a bucket of ice water.
Shane let himself imagine Rafa was there, needing him, wanting to be taken care of.
“Give me your cock. Fuck me. Hard. Bent over our table. Please.”
His cock strained in his grasp as he remembered Rafa so vulnerable, begging him for a good fucking after the awful scene with his mother. The remembered rush of power—of being Rafa’s protector—flowed, and he came with a gasp, imagining he was emptying into Rafa and not his hand.
Legs flopping down, he groped for the face towel he’d left hanging on the handle of the narrow closet. He had to get washed and dressed and out on the platform soon for the excursion to Broken Hill, but his eyes grew heavy after the sleepless night. Maybe he’d just catch a quick ten minutes before he faced the day and the reconciliation that had to be made.
“Fuck!” Shane bolted up, blinking at the sunlight streaming through the window. The train rattled and swayed as if it had never stopped, but it had to have sat at the Broken Hill station for at least an hour or more that morning. He grabbed his phone and grimaced at the screen. After ten. So not only had he missed the excursion, but breakfast as well.
Why hadn’t Rafa woken him? Maybe he’d wanted to let Shane sleep. Or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see him at all and was relieved when Shane didn’t appear. Rafa’s parents were surely enjoying his absence.
“Fuck,” he muttered again.
After a shower in the cramped stall at the end of the carriage, his elbows sore from banging them on the walls a hundred times, he squared his shoulders and put on his best placid, no-problem expression. He’d perfected it in the Service over the years, and actually felt some of the tension melt. It was like putting on an old, familiar coat.
It didn’t even slip when he nodded to the agent outside the platinum lounge. He didn’t bother to see how the agent responded, but felt the man’s eyes on him as the door closed.
At the thunk, all eyes glanced his way. Rafa and Matthew were playing a game of what might have been Parcheesi, although Shane couldn’t be sure since he hadn’t played it in decades.
His gaze locked with Rafa’s, and then Rafa looked away and rolled the dice. Sitting with their assistants farther down the car, Ramon and Camila regarded him with open curiosity, clearly aware something was amiss.
Shane nodded to them pleasantly and announced to everyone, “Good morning. Think that jet lag caught up with me.” Again.
He went and sat in the chair next to Rafa’s, ignoring the stares. Hernandez wasn’t there, and he kept his gaze away from that of the agent stationed inside the far door. Clearing his throat, Shane nodded to Matthew. “Morning.”
Matthew eyed Shane and Rafa. “Morning. We were wondering what happened to you. Broken Hill wasn’t that exciting, but it was nice to get off the train for a bit.”
“Didn’t sleep all night and figured I’d take a catnap. Didn’t intend it to be hours.” Keeping his tone even, he asked Rafa, “Why didn’t you wake me?”
Rafa shrugged, eyes on the game board. “When I didn’t see you, I figured you didn’t want to come.” He glanced up, brown eyes sorrowful, cheeks flushing. “That you didn’t want to see me after the things I said. I kind of freaked out, and…” He grimaced. “It’s embarrassing.”
Shane hated to see him so miserable. “Of course I want to see you. I really did fall asleep. I wasn’t…punishing you or something.”
Blowing out a long breath, Rafa nodded. “Okay.”
Matthew quietly asked, “What’s up with you guys? He’s barely said two words all morning.”
Rafa glared at his brother. “Stay out of it.”
“Well, Mom and Dad can smell blood in the water. So kiss and make up.”
Shoulders slumped, Rafa glanced at Shane. “Can we talk about it later?” He rubbed his face. “I didn’t sleep at all, and I’m just…not ready yet. Although if you want to break up with me, I guess I’d rather get that over with.”
Shane’s heart clenched. Not caring who was watching, he rubbed his hand up and down Rafa’s rigid back. He murmured, “I’m not breaking up with you. We both made mistakes. We’ll work it out together. Okay?”
A flicker of a smile passed Rafa’s lips. “Okay.”
Matthew reached for the dice. “Glad we got that settled.”
“Why don’t you go have a nap?” Shane suggested to Rafa. Part of him still wanted to leave the lounge so they could talk privately and truly get it settled. But he could wait until Rafa was rested and they could hash it out rationally.
Rafa nodded. “Yeah. I think I might. Then later, we can talk and stuff. We’re…” He tentatively touched Shane’s thigh, his palm a comforting weight. “We’re going to be okay?”
“Absolutely.” He pressed a kiss to Rafa’s temple. “You rest, and I’m going to see if I can scare up a coffee and toast.”
Matthew glanced around the carriage. “There should be a staff person back soon. She was here a minute ago.”
“No problem. I’ll go to the dining car. I’m sure someone there can help.” Keeping calm and steady, Shane squeezed Rafa’s tense shoulder. “Sleep well.” He wanted to go to bed with him and just hold him, but if Rafa needed some space, he’d give it.
He walked through the lounge, giving Ramon and Camila another nod as he passed, their gazes on him razor-sharp. They had a ream of papers on the low table between them, one of the assistants telling them about something to do with an appearance in Los Angeles with Schwarzenegger.
The agent at the end of the lounge car by the bar stepped aside for him, and Shane told himself he was imagining the tiny smirk on the man’s lips.
He pushed into the dining car, and his heart sank. He’d found Hernandez, who was standing in the middle of the car with the other agents having some kind of debriefing. The blond agent from the night before said something too low for Shane to hear, and the others laughed.
It was like being back in fucking high school, and while he ordered himself to rise above it, face burning, he choked on the humiliation. These people had been his peers for most of his life—hell, Hernandez had been his friend—and now their judgment and derision hurt like a son of a bitch.
Hernandez faced him, her expression mocking and bored. “What do you want, Kendrick?”
He responded before he could stop himself. “I want you to go fuck yourself for starters.”
She drew herself up taller. “What did you say to me?”
“Guess he’s still grumpy after the fight with his teenage boyfriend.” The blond agent sneered.
Biting back the retort that Rafa wasn’t a teenager, Shane marched toward them as Hernandez shook her head, a vein jumping in her temple. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, Kendrick. I still can’t believe you’re even showing your face while Venus and Vagabond are down here. You’re an embarrassment.”
“So you all get to judge me and—”
“You’re damn right we do!” she snapped. She barked to the other agents, “Everyone back to your posts. Chang, Miller, get some sleep.”
Just as they left, a young woman working on the train entered from the kitchen side of the dining car. Considering Shane and Hernandez were standing there in the aisle practically baring their teeth at each other, she skidded to a stop and said, “Oh! Um, sorry. I’ll just…” She scurried back the way she’d come.
“As I was saying, you’re a goddamn embarrassment, Kendrick. Hooking up with a protectee? The president’s son, of all people? He’s almost half your age, as I’m sure you’re well aware. You’re a disgrace to the Service. I wish they could have fired your irresponsible ass before you quit.”
“I didn’t plan on falling in love.” He winced internally. It wasn’t much of a defense.
Hernandez’s lip curled. “Jesus Christ, have some dignity. Spare me the hearts and flowers and falling in love. You were there to do your job, not get busy with that kid.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t believe it when the news broke. Thought it had to be some kind of fucking mistake. The Shane Kendrick I knew—”
“So you admit you knew me?”
She lifted her chin. “Sure. Fine, I admit it. I thought you were a great guy. Dependable and capable agent. Solid human. Guess you had me fooled.”
It shouldn’t have hurt, but it fucking did. “I’m not saying I didn’t screw up.” He jerked his shoulders in a shrug. “But I’d do it again. For him, I’d do anything.”
She scoffed. “You practice that in front of a mirror? Because I almost believe you.”
“You can believe whatever you want.”
“Thanks for the permission. Now I have to get back to work, since I haven’t tossed my career in the dumpster for a piece of ass.”
She brushed by him, back toward the lounge car. Standing there, Shane breathed in and out deeply, slowing his thumping heart as a few minutes passed. The young female staff member reappeared and cleared her throat.
“G’day. Can I help you with anything?”
His voice was hoarse. “Coffee, please. Just black.”
“No worries. Anything to eat? I didn’t see you at breakfast.” She clasped her hands in front of her navy uniform skirt, looking at him so earnestly, like she very much wanted to help.
Her kindness tightened Shane’s chest, and he swallowed a ridiculous lump in his throat. “Some toast with butter would be great. Thank you.” Anticipating her next question, he added, “Multigrain, please.”
“Right away! I can bring it to you in the lounge.”
The thought of facing the Castillos again so soon had dread sinking through him. “Is it all right if I eat in here? Or am I in the way?”
“Not at all! Choose any table you like.”
The tables had already been reset for lunch, the crisp white linen spotless. Shane took a seat by a window, staring out at the landscape, which was starting to feature low hills, the earth not quite as red as they sped south toward Adelaide.
He told himself he shouldn’t give a damn what the Secret Service and its agents thought of him. But he could tell himself that all he wanted—he still cared. Their scorn cut him more deeply than anyone else’s. After the fight with Rafa, it was like salt scoured over a wound.
The girl returned with not only steaming coffee and buttered toast, but a bowl of freshly sliced fruit. He thanked her and poked at the food, forcing at least some of it down. His mind whirled, trying to figure out a solution to how he and Rafa had had such a breakdown in communication.
He cursed himself again for not telling Rafa about his history with Darnell. Of course Rafa would feel threatened when he thought it was some secret Shane had kept. When he had to hear it from his mother. Shane tightened his grip on the coffee cup. No doubt Camila had taken great pleasure in revealing it.
All sorts of words to describe Camila Castillo ricocheted through his head, and he fought to banish them. She wasn’t going anywhere, and resenting her wouldn’t help a damn thing. He was responsible for not being honest with Rafa about the nightmares, and of course it had hurt Rafa to overhear that he’d confided in Darnell.
Yes, it still stung that Rafa had accused him of cheating, but he’d been angry. Shane had to believe he hadn’t really meant it. Now they just needed to sit down and talk it out. Identify where they’d gone wrong and make sure it didn’t happen again.
Unfortunately, the next several hours proved impossible to get Rafa alone between Rafa’s nap, a late lunch, and the Castillos’ insistence on playing a family game of Scrabble. Shane pretended nothing was wrong, flipping through a magazine and not reading a word.
By the time the train neared Adelaide mid-afternoon, the need to talk to Rafa—to make everything a hundred-percent okay again—pushed at him, an expanding pressure against his ribcage.
Hernandez entered the lounge with an older staff member in the full uniform, including the jacket and brown outback hat. He grinned and said, “G’day! How ya goin’? I wanted to talk about your excursion options. We’ll be stopping shortly in Two Wells, about forty clicks north of Adelaide. There’s a Barossa Valley tour this arvo, but the bigwigs thought we’d offer something extra special for the Castillo family.”
Ramon smiled. “That’s so kind, but we don’t need any special treatment.”
“We truly don’t,” Camila added. “But what were you thinking?”
“Well, how about a helicopter tour? Take you all around the wine country. It’ll be sweet as.” He grinned.
In the beat of silence, Camila asked, “As what?”
The man frowned. “Sorry?”
“Mom, he just means it’ll be really good,” Rafa said.
“Absolutely!” The man nodded. “Then you’ll have dinner with everyone else in the Barossa before hopping back on the train in Adelaide later tonight. There’s room for five along with the pilot, one up front and four in the back.”
Camila beamed. “Well, that sounds just lovely. It’s been a while since we’ve flown in a helicopter.”
The man grinned. “That’s right, you’d be experts at it. But I dare say the scenery here will be hard to beat. Seeing the sunset over the Clare Valley can’t be missed.”
Ramon nodded. “You’ve certainly convinced us.” He looked to Hernandez. “You’re on board?”
She smiled. “Quite literally. I’ll accompany you, Camila, and the boys.”
“But…” Rafa glanced over to Shane. “I don’t want to go without Shane.”
Shane waved his hand. “No, no. Of course you should go. I’ll see you for dinner.” Another awkward, stilted meal with your parents, hooray.
Matthew spoke up. “I never liked helicopters. I’ll go on the bus with the hoi polloi and Shane can take my spot.”
“Really, dear? ‘Hoi polloi’?” Camila raised an eyebrow at her son. “Let’s not forget our manners. And I’m sure you would enjoy a sightseeing ride.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” Matthew insisted. “I never liked flying. I can deal with planes, but helicopters? Hard pass. You know I’ve never liked them.”
“Well, that’s true.” Ramon nodded. “All right, then. Shane, are you game?”
As Camila looked at her husband like he’d grown an extra head, Shane gave them a smile and said, “Always.”
Before long, the train had stopped and they were shepherded onto a Mercedes minibus in the waning afternoon sun. Shane and Rafa took the big back seat, Hernandez and three other agents in the middle seats, and Rafa’s parents in the seat closest to the front. They made small talk with the driver, sounding cheerful and interested, which Shane had to admit was a skill they had down pat.
He bumped his knee against Rafa’s and murmured, “Feeling better?”
“Yeah.” Rafa smiled softly. “I really needed a nap and a good lunch.” He took Shane’s hand, threading their fingers together. Shane squeezed, his lungs expanding a little more easily now that he and Rafa were hand-in-hand.
We’re okay. We got this.
They’d hash it out later, and for now, they could enjoy the tour. Shane tuned in as the driver spoke through the radio and pointed out sites of interest as they made their way along a winding road, vineyards and trees spreading out in all directions.
When they boarded the helicopter, Hernandez sat up front beside the pilot, Camila and Ramon on the first two seats, and Shane and Rafa behind. The view of the Barossa Valley from the sky truly was breathtaking, the rows and rows of grapes creating geometric patterns amid the swathes of farmland. Shane and Rafa smiled at each other and held hands again, and he relaxed and enjoyed the landscape.
The middle-aged, balding pilot came on, his voice filling their ears through the headsets everyone wore. “Now we’re coming up on a golf course to the left, and golf courses are one of the greatest places to spot roos, especially later in the day. We’re having a real heat wave for this time of year—high was all the way up to twenty-six, and the low is going to be about seventeen. So they really enjoy luxuriating on a golf course while they wait for the sun to go down.”
“Anyone know what twenty-six and seventeen are in real temperatures?” Hernandez asked.
The pilot laughed good-naturedly. “I’d say it’s about high seventies or up to eighty, and down to low or mid-sixties in your crazy Fahrenheit.”
“It’s usually colder this time of year?” Camila asked.
“Yeah, it can dip down quite a bit in winter here in South Australia. My missus never leaves home without a cardigan or jacket this time of year. But global warming seems to really be playing havoc.”
“Oh! I see kangaroos!” Rafa grabbed Shane’s arm and pointed out the left window.
They all ohh-ed and ahh-ed, even Hernandez, who should have been keeping strictly professional and straight-faced. Shane couldn’t help but grumble to himself after the way she’d laid into him earlier. Although he did admit that seeing the kangaroos hopping across the green lawn, the incredible spring in their back legs powering them along so effortlessly, was magical.
As they headed north past the Clare Valley, the landscape became rougher and less refined, but still beautiful. The pilot said, “You’re in for a treat. We had some heavy rains earlier in the week, and there’s a little lake in a valley between ridges that is a lot bigger at the moment. No roads to it, so it’s absolutely pristine.”
They flew over meadows toward a hillier region with more trees. When they crested over a ridge and saw the lake, the sinking sun glittering over the blue water, Shane’s chest tightened at the sheer beauty. He looked to Rafa, and they shared a fleeting smile before turning back to their windows.
Everything’s okay. We’re okay.
The pilot took the chopper lower, the wind from the rotors rippling out across the lake’s surface. The pilot said, “Isn’t that just gorgeous? I tell you, it may be winter, but I think this can be the best time to see the region. If you look to the right—”
A metal clang echoed, then a screeeeeech that shot shivers down Shane’s spine as they jerked violently. They were suddenly spinning, the helicopter shaking horribly.
He grasped for Rafa blindly, the world a terrifying and bone-crunching blur, screams ripping through the air. Shane latched onto Rafa’s vibrating arm as the helicopter pitched nose down and plummeted.
Suddenly Shane’s gut was being compressed like a tin can, the pressure unbearable, but in another heartbeat they crashed into the water with a deafening impact. In the twist of metal and glass, he gripped Rafa, refusing to ever let him go.