Bruises fade, torn skin scabs and heals, but hate festers. When left unchecked, it festers deep in the pit of your soul. My hatred for Frank had been festering for a long fucking time. There are many things in this world I’d do for Em but I didn’t think that letting go of that hate would be one of them.
This arsehole had wronged my girl in the worst fucking way. I could maybe have lived with justice. Maybe. But when there was no justice, all I had was fucking vengeance. My brand of vengeance might even kill. Only I wasn’t sure that death would be justice either. All I knew was that I had to be the one to deliver it.
For the most part, I pretended that things were going back to normal. Em had gone back to school which I fucking hated. I’d grown used to having her with me when I trained, and like I told her before, I was needy. I trained like an absolute fucking demon. God help Rico Temple if I got to him before Frank because no motherfucker wanted to be the vessel for my rage at the moment.
There wasn’t enough training that Danny could throw my way that would curb my appetite for violence. I was hungry for it in the worst possible way. Danny had that look in his eyes that said he was worried I was going into the ring half-cocked again. But this time anger hadn’t made me stupid. It motivated me to shape my body into the most lethal killing machine I could so that, when the time was right, I’d be ready. Frank had already sealed his fate. He just didn’t know it.
Just over a week since the trial had gone by. I was nine hours into training, when Danny had hung his head in despair and sent me on a run. No matter what he threw at me, it wasn’t enough to slow me down. It wasn’t so much that I was pushing myself too hard, but what fueled me that pissed him off. Kieran arrived just as I was leaving but Danny barked at him to get his arse into the office before I could do little more than say hi. The only thing I struggled with, the only pull on my conscience, was that voice in the back of my mind telling me that Em wouldn’t want me to follow through with this. That voice was probably the reason why I found myself outside St. Paul’s. The church was empty but Father Pat was tidying up hymn books as I let the door close behind me with a bang.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Cormac. Do you have to sneak up on an old man like that?” he said.
“Sorry, Father. D’you have a minute to talk about some stuff?” I asked him.
“Does this talk come before or after you’ve lost your temper?” he asked.
“Both,” I replied immediately.
“Ah. It’s permission and forgiveness you’ll be wanting then. You best come into the back for a cup of tea. Bolt those doors behind you would you? I thought they were locked already. That’s why you scared me.” He didn’t wait for a reply but shuffled into the vestry to boil the kettle. After bolting the door, I joined him.
“Well then,” he said, as I sat down and fiddled with my cross absentmindedly. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Did you hear? Frank, Emily’s stepfather, got away with everything.”
“Aye, I heard. Terrible business it was. How’s your lovely lady doing?”
“She’s doing her best to move on. The therapy’s helping with that. She’s a lot sadder than she used to be. More cautious. But every day that goes by, she seems better.”
“And you?” he asked me.
“I’m struggling with something, but if I talk to you ’bout it, you can’t go to Danny or Em, right?” I asked him.
“Well, technically this isn’t confession, son, but if you’re telling me in confidence, it stays between us.”
Satisfied that it wouldn’t go anywhere, I unloaded my dilemma. “I can’t let go of what happened. As long as Frank is walking around a free man, Em will never feel safe, and it’s eating me up inside when I think of what he did to her. I want to end him. I want to crush the life out of him and make him scream like he did to Em.”
“But?” Father Pat said. Honestly I expected more of a reaction when admitting to wanting to kill a man to my parish priest.
“But if I follow through with this, either I get locked up, which takes me away from Em, or I do something she won’t be able to live with. So what do you think?” I asked him.
“Romans chapter twelve, verse nineteen,” he said, placing mugs of tea in front of us both.
“Huh?”
“‘Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine,” I will repay, says the Lord.’” I laughed because I knew his answer would be along those lines.
“Doesn’t it also say ‘an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’?” I asked him.
“Ohh, I love me a good Bible debate. Custard cream?” he offered, holding out a plate.
“No, thank you,” I answered, automatically turning down anything that would have Danny smacking me over the back of my head if he could see.
“Father, I’m pretty sure I’ve never ever been in a debate with anyone. If I have a disagreement with someone, and they start winning ’cause they’re smarter me, I usually just punch them and end the argument,” I told him.
“I see. And that works with your wife, does it?” he asked me, chuckling as he dunked his fourth biscuit in his tea.
“There’s never an argument. Em’s always right. Even when she’s wrong.”
“That, my son, is why you will have a long and happy marriage.”
“There’s no right or wrong answer here, is there?” I asked.
“Of course there is, Con. You just don’t want to see it,” he replied.
“If I do nothing and he ever touches her again, I couldn’t live with myself, and I can’t live with her being afraid and always looking over her shoulder either. If I go to prison or she hates me for what I’ve done, isn’t that a price worth paying to keep her safe?”
“Cormac, there comes a time in any man’s life where he has to choose what kind of man he will be. When he reaches that line between good and evil. For some men, they cross the line a fraction then make a series of decisions that takes them farther and farther, until one day they are so far from the line they don’t even know where it is anymore. For other men, it’s one great big jump they knowingly make. One thing I do know though, is that once you cross, it’s nearly impossible to cross back.”
“But for Em, wouldn’t that jump be worth it?” I asked.
“Tell me then, and answer honestly. Would you be doing it for yourself, lad, or for your wee wife? Because I’m pretty sure the Emily O’Connell I know wouldn’t want that for you. That she’d happily have Frank Thomas alive, and all the risks that go to with his being free, if it meant she got to spend every day for the rest of her life with you. That’s how much she loves you. So when you think about it, the question is, would you give up your vengeance for a lifetime with her?”
I thought about what he said, and it occurred to me that I’d never thought about it like that before. Was I selfishly giving in to my hate instead of letting it go to be with Em? It’s what she was trying to do. Forget a lifetime of hell for a future of heaven. I had a lot to think about.
“I’d best get going. Em will be waiting for me. Thank you for the tea, Father,” I told him.
“You’re very welcome, Cormac. My door is always open.”
“Except when it’s double bolted,” I said smirking.
“Well, those little feckers round the corner thinks it’s funny to sneak in when I nip off for a cup of tea and hide the hymn books round the church.” I laughed, remembering how we used to do the same thing.
“Now go on with you and be with that pretty wife of yours. It will do you good to remember everything God’s given you, rather than focusing on what’s been taken away.” I passed him my mug, and he walked me back to the church doors.
“If you ever need to talk again Cormac, if you ever feel your temper getting the best of you, you know where I am.” I nodded in thanks, then bracing myself against the cold, put my head down and pounded the streets back to my girl, feeling a little lighter than I had in a while.
* * *
There was a fucking eerie feeling in the air when I got back to the gym. Not one person was training, which was unusual because at least a few of the lads came here after school every day. Knowing something was up, I headed to the office. Danny, Earnshaw, and Liam all stood there with their arms crossed while Kieran knelt with his arm around the shoulders of my wife. Her puffy face was still red from crying and the tracks of her tears still clung to the cheeks.
Kier moved away quickly as I raced around the desk and grabbed her to me fiercely. “What happened love?” I asked her softly.
“I finished up my last class of the day. I needed to speak to one of my tutors so most of the class had already left. As I was leaving, Frank grabbed me from behind and pulled me into one of the empty classrooms. He wanted to know why I’d betrayed him and the family by pressing charges. He told me he’d missed me. He…he sniffed my hair and pushed his thigh between my legs when he shoved me against the wall. I froze. I just stood there and couldn’t move. Why couldn’t I move?” Em asked me. Fear had paralyzed her. Trying to control my blind fucking fury paralyzed me.
“How did you get away, darlin’?” Kieran asked gently.
“The cleaners came in through the back door. Frank must have panicked because he let me go and ran,” she answered him.
“Do you think he was trying to kidnap you again?” he asked. A part of me wanted to tell him to leave her alone but every dumb part of my fucking useless brain was fixated on the fight. Where could I find him? How could I get him alone long enough to take my time with him? What method of torture would hurt the most? These were the thoughts that consumed me.
“No, if he was going to take me, he’d have done it quickly and before I knew what was coming. I’ve lost any credibility now he’s gotten away with it once. People will think I’m crying wolf if it happens again. He’s just letting me know he’s not finished with me,” she responded.
Earnshaw looked stunned. For him, I guess everything that had happened with the trial happened in the abstract. Seeing Sunshine this upset was pretty fucking real. Liam ran his hand through his hair despairingly. “I just don’t get what this guy’s problem is,” he said. “Why’s he so fixated on you, Em? I mean, I thought he was just an opportunistic predator, what with you being under the same roof and all. But this shit’s personal. The guy’s fucking obsessed with you.”
Em’s shaking grew worse as the truth of Liam’s words sank in. Kieran tightened his arm around her shoulders to anchor her and looked up at me. “Con?” he asked questioningly. Looking back, I regret so many things. Not going straight to Em that night and taking her in my arms was top of that fucking list. I should have comforted her and told her that everything would be all right, that I’d take care of her. In reality, I’d done the exact opposite. In the short time this angel had been mine, I’d failed her in so many ways. That moment was probably the worst. I was two steps and two arms away from making everything seem a little better for her, making her a little less scared. Instead I turned and walked away. Becoming the stupid arrogant kid I used to be, I went to find Frank. Going to my locker, I grabbed a hoodie, chucked it over my head, and shoved my wallet and keys into the pocket. Slamming the door, I went outside only to be flanked by Liam and Kieran. “What do you two think you’re doing?” I asked them.
“You know we were never going to let you do this on your own, don’t you?” Kieran said to me, shivering against the cold.
“You should walk away. I love that you have my back. I really fucking do. But this ain’t gonna have a good end. Frank is my problem. I don’t want you both getting your hands dirty with this,” I said.
“Con, one of us has a problem, it’s on all of us to sort it out,” Liam told me. “Been that way since we were kids. Ain’t nothing changing that now.”
“It’s gonna get messy,” I warned. “I’m not fucking about with this guy. He ain’t never letting go of Sunshine.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way, so let’s get this done,” Liam said. We piled into his truck and drove about half a mile before he pulled over.
“Why’d you stop?” I asked him.
“Tommy,” Kieran and Liam both answered together. Sure enough the door opened and he climbed in beside me.
“What’s up, bitches?” he screeched annoyingly.
“You dragged Tommy into this?” I asked them. Kieran snorted from the front of the truck.
“Do you think we’d ever hear the end of it if we didn’t tell him what was going down?” he replied.
“You were gonna leave me out?” Tommy said sadly.
“Jesus, Tom. It ain’t like we’re going to party the feckin’ night away without you. We’re gonna take care of Frank. That ain’t something you should want to be a part of,” I told him.
As seriously as I’d ever seen him, he asked me, “Would you do the same for me?” I should have told him no. Made him get out of the truck. But these boys were the nearest thing I had to brothers. They’d know if I was lying. Looking him square in the eyes, I nodded.
“Ain’t nothing to talk about then, is there?” he asked with a cocky grin.
We drove in silence until we got to the Severn Bridge, and then a thought occurred to me. “How’d you know where we’re going?” I asked Liam.
He paused before answering. “Night Em was taken, I heard the address come through the copper’s radio before he turned it down.”
“And you didn’t think to fucking share this bit of information when I was climbing the fucking walls looking for her?” I shouted at them all.
“Don’t get mad at them about it,” Liam barked at me. “I heard it, and I kept it to meself. The police were heading there anyway to check it out. If you knew the address, you’d have torn that fucking house apart and scared the shit out of her mother. Instead of being there when they found Em, you’d have been behind bars.” His tone told me that he wasn’t sorry.
“That should ’ave been my decision,” I argued with him.
“I did what I thought was right, and I ain’t sorry for it. Now stop your feckin’ bitchin’. I’m telling you now, ain’t I?”
After a few minutes of brooding silence, I’d calmed down enough to acknowledge that he had a point. Besides, after tonight I’d probably be in prison so I needed to build bridges while I could. “Look, I’m sorry, mate. I ain’t exactly rational at the moment. I’d probably have done the same thing if I was you.” The whole truck went completely silent. “What?” I asked them.
“The great Hurricane O’Connell fucking apologizing,” Liam said with a chuckle.
“Yeah, well,” I grumbled, “don’t get fucking used to it. I ain’t wrong often.”
The mood became more serious, the farther into Wales we drove. The rain poured heavily on the road ahead of us and reflected my mood. As I watched one lonely drop of water roll down the window, I thought about the rivers my girl cried as she told me what had happened. Already I knew how badly I’d fucked up, just walking out on her like that. I’d been thinking of my own anger instead of her pain. I hoped she’d forgive me. I hoped that this would bring her some peace. I hoped for a million things when it came to Em. Only time would tell whether I got any of them.