Chapter Sixteen
Locus
That weekend at the lodge set the tone for the rest of my pregnancy. I’d plunged into Felix’s life so suddenly that until then, we hadn’t had time to relax and really get to know one another. As well as our animals who’d had only a very few short runs together before then. We spent the cool evenings tramping through the forest, bushy tails waving, scenting the air, and chasing small rodents for fun. We made use of the tub and the shower and the giant bed across from the fireplace to make love in every position we could think of, before my growing body limited our activities. We returned home refreshed, even more in love—even if I hadn’t managed to get the words out yet—and picked up our work again.
Every day at the office was different and interesting but as my pregnancy advanced, I found it harder and harder to sit on my little stool at the counter for the long days the clinic was open, and with less than a month left before our kit was scheduled to emerge, I allowed Felix to convince me to cut back to half days and no Saturdays—when the office was open until noon—at all. I protested, but finally agreed that pushing myself could bring harm to our little one, especially after a few alarming pains that turned out to be nothing, but scared us both.
Veterinarian or not, my alpha ensured I visited the local midwife, Malinda, on a regular basis and she and her assistant, Grey, a unicorn shifter, were endlessly helpful in making sure I didn’t do anything stupid and easing Felix’s worries. I felt pretty huge, but they reassured us that I was gaining as I should and promised to be there for me when the time came for my home birth. They also helped me work up a birth plan for any circumstances, such as when to change that plan to a hospital if things weren’t going as they should.
We left every appointment feeling confident, a sensation that faded by the next one, at least on my part. This early fall Sunday morning, I was feeling pretty good. Sitting on the back porch swing, I was waiting for Felix to bring out our tea and some scones one of the lady customers had dropped off for me yesterday. She’d been a little upset not to see me there, but Felix had invited her for Sunday dinner later, something I looked forward to.
Dinner I mean.
I liked Anita, but this baby had never slowed down on keeping me shoveling the food.
The trees were donning their autumn finery. Lots of green, still, but dotted with gold and red and bright orange. Last year at this time I’d been worried about keeping warm in the winter, looking for a den. This year I’d be denned up with my alpha and our kit. What a change a few months made. I’d failed in my quest yet still been given this life, happiness I didn’t deserve.
As I mused, a doe and her almost-grown fawn moved out of the trees and stopped, watching me. For a moment I wondered if they were more than animals, but then I dismissed it. In my time in Haven, I hadn’t met a single deer shifter, but there was a big variety, so who knew? I leaned forward, looking at their markings, having a vague idea of recognizing them if I saw them again.
“Here’s your tea.” My alpha let the screen door bang closed behind him, and the deer disappeared behind the tree line, bounding away. “What are you looking at?”
I sat back in my seat with a sigh. “Just some deer, but you scared them away.”
Felix set a tray down on the low table in front of us and handed me my mug. “Sorry about that. I always have enjoyed the wildlife out here. That’s why I wanted to live a bit out of town. But I see more raccoons than deer.”
“Yeah.” I cradled the warm mug in my hands, appreciating the bit of cool in the air. “First for me, too, and I sit out here a lot of afternoons while you’re at work.”
“Probably heading for their winter grounds, they do a lot of migrating, deer.”
“I’ve seen the signs.” Peering down into my drink, I scowled. “Herbal tea will never take the place of coffee, you know.”
He grinned and my heart flipped. He could melt my knees with every smile. “You’re a real trouper, omega mine. But the baby will be here before you know it.”
I blew out a breath. “And then I’ll have to start taking off the huge amount of weight I have left from all the food he or she is making me consume.”
Felix sat next to me and flung an arm around my shoulders. He gave the swing a push and I picked up my feet to enjoy the ride, resting my head on his chest. Listening to my alpha’s heartbeat never got old and never failed to calm me when I got futzy.
Futzy—a word my grandmother used to mean fussy and edgy or something. Was she still out there somewhere, my grandma? The woman who fed us cookies and never tired of reading to her grandchildren even if it meant the same book over and over?
Shaking my head, I tried to get out of that headspace. It served no purpose and seemed to upset the baby. As if to confirm that, I gave a giant belch, slapping my hand over my mouth. “Excuse me.”
Felix’s eyes twinkled. “There’s no need to apologize. Babies make gas.”
“And heartburn, and big bellies and stretch marks and lots of bathroom trips when I’m trying to sleep.”
“You are grouchy today, aren’t you. What’s going on?”
I tilted my head back to eye him. “The usual.”
“Not good for you, omega mine.”
I shrugged. “I know, but I keep thinking I could have, should have done more. I’m safe here, with you to love me and our kit growing under my heart. What if they are cold or hungry? Or hurting? Felix”—I swiped at a tear trickling down my cheek —they can’t just have disappeared from the face of the earth.”
He rested his chin on my head with a sigh. “I know they’re never far from your thoughts but it’s been a very long time. I think if you were going to find them you would have by now.”
“You’re right, of course.” But the heaviness always was there, dimming the edges of the happiness I’d found in my new life. Nobody could ever ask for more, so why was I so greedy? “Could we have some jam on the scones?”
“Certainly.” He was up and on the way to the kitchen before I could say raspberry. But he knew my favorites.
I’d needed a moment to myself more than jam. To push back the sadness because Felix did everything to make me happy, and to ask for more was almost daring the gods to take back what I had. A breeze rustled the leaves, drawing my attention back to the trees where once again the deer stood, watching me intently.