Something has clicked in Kase.

I feel it in his touch—it’s softer. Less about controlling me and more about exploring, taking advantage of the moment, this balcony, my body. It’s…I don’t know. Adoration? Whereas before, he was all “I’ll show you what you want,” now he only wants to breathe me in, taste my gifts, and show me all he can be.

It doesn’t take long for my desire to build. I mean, we’ve practically been having sex with our clothes on the entire night long, from one club to the next. That’s the thing about Miami Beach, I don’t feel like anyone cares or is offended. Everyone’s here for the same sensual block party. Even now, completely stark naked (except for my shoes) out on this balcony, I don’t care anymore if someone can see us.

It’s just me and Kase, the ocean swishing below, and the cries of partygoers up and down the strip. And Kase’s tongue, Kase’s mouth, Kase’s hot breath, slicing me open, searing me from my ass all the way up to my clit, working it in circles, molding me on his tongue. My body gives in readily—because I feel I’m his now—no one has ever owned me before, and no matter what happens between us, no one ever will again.

Not this same way.

When he starts fucking me with his fingers and sucking on my clit in a faster rhythmic way, I can’t hold on anymore and come, giving him my love. Joyously, he slathers his own face with my juices running out of me, and I relish in the roughness of his beard. “Fuck yeah…” The stars swirl, the breezes float over my back and bare ass, exposed to the beach below.

I’m buzzed but I’m aware of everything and though he stands and spins me around, forcing my breasts up against the railing, spilling over the edge, my nipples hardening in the wind, I almost lose my footing. His arms reach around me tightly to keep me from falling. I was never falling anyway—it was the dizzying sensation from the orgasm plus the drinks I’ve had tonight, married in a hazy dance.

“This.” I feel a slap to my ass. Then another. And another. I’m sure my cheeks are red, but I don’t care, because then his hand covers and soothes the pain. “This ass is mine, Alana.”

“Take it,” I tell him without realizing what I’m unlocking.

“No. Not tonight.” After feeling every contour of my body with his hands, he spins me around and unbuckles his jeans, pulling down the front of his shorts to expose his dick which never ceases to amaze me. Long and fat and covered in veins, ugly and massive, it’s so suckable, I long to have it in my mouth.

But Kase has other plans.

Positioning himself under me, suddenly, he hoists me up and wraps my legs around his waist. My feet instinctively lock behind his back. I’ve always thought I’d feel self-conscious with anybody doing this to me, but Kase lifts me like I’m made of baby hair, positions my pussy right over the head of his cock, then lets me fall onto him.

I groan, as he skewers me, filling me all the way to my core, pounding and lifting me, letting me fall and bounce on his cock, as his fingers dig into my ass. His stance is wide for balance, his arms and abs taut from the positions and strain of fucking me, carrying me, and standing all at the same time.

Somewhere below, I think I hear amused conversation of people who might’ve spotted us. I can’t be sure, and I don’t care, because I’m not there. I’m nowhere and everywhere at the same time, having an out-of-body experience as Kase batters my sore pussy with his massive cock, taking me higher, making me feel all sorts of new heights of pleasure I’ve never felt before. His tongue plunges into my mouth, our foreheads press together, and I swear, at some point, we meld and become one.

One person. One beast. One entity.

Something inside of me snaps, and I’m not the Alana I’ve always known. I’m desperate for deeper jabs, needy for his balls to slap my ass, wishing he could fill my entire solar plexus then spill his seed way up into my soul. My fingers dig into his back, scratch for more, and I’m frantic for him to come, to take me with him, for us to climax together, so I can scream it from this balcony how good this man fucks me, how much I adore him, and how panicked I feel that I’m going to lose him.

I can’t lose him. We’ve come too far, and I’ve allowed myself to get too close.

But it might be too late, because as he moans and cries my name and shoots way up into my body, gripping my back and pressing his spent forehead into my chest to suckle on my breast, I feel something shift again. This man who’s completely ravaged my body, who’s wanted me all night and brought me to a city three thousand miles away for a day, suddenly sets me down on the ground and rolls slightly away.

As though he’s gotten too close. As though he felt our oneness.

And decided it was too much.

* * *

When we return to his home in NYC, it’s amazing how quickly we fall back into our roles. Though the rest of last night was peaceful, we slept the whole night together, then took off this morning on a plane back home, now Kase is back to busy, back to being Liam’s dad, back to asking me to do things for him around the house.

Maybe this is just how it will be. Maybe with us, it’s three steps forward and two steps back. I certainly don’t feel like he’s pushing me away, but he’s being cautious, and something inside of me desperately wishes to reach him. What is he hiding? How can I help? Is it a trust issue? Maybe if he felt he could completely trust me, he could confide in me. It bothers me that we can be as intimate as ever but there still be a wall around his heart.

And I spend the next few days giving him that space he needs on the other side of that wall while simultaneously plotting to destroy it.

* * *

A week later, the day in Miami feels like a long-gone dream, Liam has graduated to solid foods, demanding Cheerios all day long, and Kase comes home from work happy. It’s like we’re all playing roles of mommy, daddy, and baby in a family with no name, trying out this repetitive dynamic to see how it fits. I don’t bring up the connection we felt in Miami. I know better than to push Kase away, but at some point, he’s going to have to give.

I scope out my perfect moment—on a Saturday when the three of us are taking a stroll through Central Park right as the temperature goes up, and I can actually wrap my sweater around my waist from how warm it’s starting to feel. Spring is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and I feel it down to my toes. Liam has been babbling a lot more. I’m curious to see what his first words, but a sadness also hits me.

Will I be here for that event?

Will I be here for his first steps? His first run, his exploration phase, and his second year? I’ve been checking job postings every day, and though I still haven’t seen a job I’d like to apply for, with pay high enough to pull me away from nannying, I feel we’re getting closer. A sister company to Lodwick has just hired a new exec, and if they’re hiring, then maybe others will begin again too.

The park is serene, as we walk, pushing Liam in his stroller. All around us are families. We look like one of them, but we’re not one of them, and suddenly, I’m feeling emotional. “You okay?” Kase asks, dipping his head to look up into my eyes. “You’re quieter than usual.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong, hon?” he asks in a way, as though he doesn’t really want to know the answer.

“Nothing, really. Just remembering how I used to go on walks with my parents sometimes and the kids they cared for. It always bothered me that these kids got better clothes than I did, better stroller, better shoes, better attention overall. I wanted that attention for myself. I didn’t want them having my parents. I wanted my parents all for me.”

“I’m sorry you went through that,” Kase says. For a moment, he puts his arm around me, then he takes it away. Tears rise into my eyes, because for the first time since Miami, I want his touch. A gentle touch, not the sex we have almost every night. I want that moment again, the one where he came unhinged and nearly became himself right in front of me. But right as he noticed himself giving it up, he reeled himself in again.

I want to see the real Kase. The completely unfiltered Kase. It’s something I need to see once and for all, so I can decide if I should invest any more emotion or energy into him. If I had it my way, we’d be dating now. We’d be together, people would know about it, and I could call my mother and tell her I’ve met someone.

But I’m neither here nor there, and that’s not a place I want to be.

That’s the place I lived my entire life. Not completely ignored by my parents, but not the apple of their eyes either. There was always competition, and this time the competition is Kase’s past. I don’t want to share Kase with his demons anymore. I want him to give them up. I want to know one way or another where we stand, so I can tell my heart which way to go.

I’m no good at acting and can’t do it anymore.

“Alana, you’re crying.” Kase stops walking and faces me. Thumbs wipe my eyes and he pulls me in for a strong, safe hug. I want to melt into him and stay there all day, but I’m only hurting myself. If he’s never going to talk to me, if he’s never going to let me in, then I may as well do what’s right and put an end to this.

“Yes, I’m crying.”

“Why?”

“Because I have feelings for you, Kase. And even though we’re closer than we’ve ever been, I still feel like you’re a million miles away, and that’s not something I ever wanted.”

“I know. I told you, Alana. I told you I couldn’t go too deep. I knew you’d want more.”

“Why can’t you give more?”

He pulls away. “I want to.”

“Then do it. I’ll help you. You can trust me, Kase. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best anymore. I want full attention, full love.” The moment I say it, I know I’ve fucked it all up. He runs a hand through his hair and blows out that frustrated breath of his. “But I can wait,” I add.

Because now I’m scared of losing him.

Scared I said too much.

Still, it’s out there. Though I tried to play it cool by telling him I could handle this, that I could be with him and not need any emotion from him, I only pretended to be strong enough in order to get one step closer. The truth is, I love this. I love us walking together like a family. I love Liam babbling and looking up at both of us, and I love the way Kase looks at me like I would make the most amazing mother for his child. I would do this even if I didn’t get paid.

But getting paid is a fine line between me being his nanny and his girlfriend, and he’s sure to keep me on the payroll just so he won’t have to dig deep into himself.

“Alana, hon…let’s talk about this later over dinner. I know you want more from me, but I don’t know if I can give it. I’m a damaged man. With…memories…” He grips his head, shakes it. “And pain. I told you that.”

“I don’t think you’re any more damaged than I am, or the guy next door, or the guy in the apartment above us. We all have demons and secrets. We all have ugly parts, Kase.”

But he continues to shake his head, like I know nothing. Like I’m just a child with so much to learn. So I let it go, because I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one, the pushy girlfriend who drives her man away instead of luring him closer, because she wants, wants, wants, and can’t let it go.

Thing is, I may be young but I know when I love someone, when I’m willing to go the distance just to help them be happy, and I want that with Kase. I know I’m crazy—that he’s my boss, and I’m his nanny with whom he’s started a bad, very unorthodox relationship—but maybe it could happen. Possibly.

I mean, before anything else—we’re just a man and a woman, right? Like he told me once.

Just then, his phone buzzes in his pocket, giving me a moment to think and him a mental break from PsychoNanny. I crouch to smile into Liam’s face. I need a happy, bubbly spit smile right now. Liam doesn’t think about whether he should love me or not. He doesn’t worry about the consequences of love. He just loves. Liam knows a good thing when he sees it.

At that moment, a little kid of about four or five comes running down the path and swipes Liam’s beanie right off his head then disappears into the trees towards a playground on the other side.

“Hey!” I yell, but the kid just sticks his tongue out at me and keeps running.

“What the fuck was that?” Kase looks up from his phone.

“Just some kid.”

“Let’s get his hat back. What a little shit.”

“Not worth it, Kase. Not every battle is worth fighting. But some are.” I give him a side-glance and tap Liam’s nose. “Hey, kiddo. Ready to head back now? Hatless and all?”

“Bababababa, blubbbbb.”

“I agree. It is starting to feel cold again. Will we ever get out of winter, buddy? Come on, let’s go.” The incident with the boy frazzled me, reminded me that sometimes, we have to roll with the punches, deal with what we’re given.

Right now, I’m trying to handle the situation with me and Kase as best as I can.

“We can’t do dinner,” Kase says. My heart, already deflated on the edge of hopelessness, completely falls flat. “My father-in-law wants to see me tonight. Celebratory happy hour,” he says in a stately fashion. “Business associates from the company will be there. In fact, we gotta hurry.”

“We?” I say hopefully. Could it be he needs a date or at the very least needs me there to watch Liam, since Mr. Roper might wish to also see his grandson?

Immediately, my brain mentally searches the clothes in my closet. There’s a chocolate dress that would look really great for an event like that. If I’m invited?

Kase shakes his head with a scoff, like it’s a silly idea. “No, hon. Not you. Just me. It’d be awkward to have the nanny there, don’t you think?” He gives a little laugh, like I’m some retarded fool, then pushes ahead of me and Liam on a mission to get back as quickly as possible.

I’m left behind. We—me and Liam.

I know I shouldn’t read into it, but I feel like shit all over again. Like the hired help, the loser at the bottom of the totem pole. The little woman who must stay behind and care for the baby while big man does big things at big business party. Grunt. Brushing it off my mind, I tell myself he didn’t mean it. He grew up poor, for Christ’s sake. But part of me wonders…or did he?