My head and heart have been spinning, thinking about Lucy.

It’s a total mind-fuck suddenly knowing you’re a father. I’m half responsible for the existence—and care—of another human being. It’s completely wild, absolutely amazing.

But it’s got me so distracted, and the best thing to do when you’re distracted is to find a way to get focused. So Melissa, Silvio and I have spent the evening and part of the day working on the documentary.

We’ve done more filming around town, shown me doing nonsense like walking thoughtfully down Main Street, and going out to the farm to carry a calf. (Seriously, there was no reason to carry him. He was perfectly capable of walking on his own, but Melissa insisted it would look both tough and sexy.)

Jessa and I decide to have our first meeting as a family.

She asks me to meet them at a park near her house. I’m so nervous and excited that I feel like a kid myself. I’m hoping Lucy likes me, that she doesn’t somehow react badly.

I hope she’s not too shy, and that it’s not too awkward. So many things to think about.

I get to the park early and see that they’re already there. Jessa is pushing Lucy on the swing and my heart feels full to bursting. It’s a feeling deep inside me—this is my family. It’s the most unexpected feeling in the world.

It’s also scary as fuck.

“Hey, girls,” I say, walking up to them. I give Jessa a kiss on the cheek as she continues to push Lucy. “Hi, Miss Lucy.”

She eyes me carefully as she swings, as if determining if she likes me. Finally, she says, “Hullo.”

“Lucy, do you remember Cole?” Jessa asks. “We met him at the fair the other day.”

“I saw him and then I got cotton candy. I’ve been working hard,” she says to me. “One day I’m going to get an award on the stage too.”

Jessa and I catch each other’s eyes. Lucy remembers what I told her the other day. I can’t believe it.

“It’s true,” Jessa says. “She put all her stuffed animals on her bed this morning, and yesterday she helped her Pawpaw eat all the chocolate chip cookies.”

“Pawpaw said we had to clean the plate,” Lucy says.

“Way to go,” I say. I hold my hand out for a high five. When she swings back up, she slaps it. We both laugh.

* * *

A few days later, Jessa invites me to go to dinner with them. She says I can meet them at her house.

For a while after I get there, Lucy works on a coloring book and eyes me carefully. She won’t come sit next to me and she won’t answer my questions about the picture she’s filling in.

After a while I say, “Anybody hungry?”

“I'm starving,” Jessa says. “How about you, Luce?”

She doesn’t answer.

“You like pizza?”

“It’s my favorite,” she mumbles.

“Let’s go then,” I say. “I’ll drive.”

“She needs her car seat,” Jessa says. In my mind I’m smacking my head. Of course she needs her car seat. She’s a baby, she can’t just ride on Jessa’s lap like my mom used to do with me on those backcountry roads. “We’ll take my car.”

At the pizza place I watch with awe as Jessa cuts part of Lucy’s pizza up into tiny squares for her to eat. The other part Lucy scoops up in her little hand and takes big bites. Plain cheese, that’s all she wants. She wanted a Coke too, but Jessa said no. “It’s too late for Coke,” she said. “You’ll never sleep.”

“But Momma!”

“I said no, Luce.”

It seems like a discussion they’ve had before.

Jessa makes quick, seamless work of helping Lucy with her food and getting some food in herself. I can’t believe what a great mom she is, even though in a way I’m not surprised at all.

Jessa is amazing at everything she puts her mind to.

Part of me says I don’t deserve either of them, but I push the thought away.

I’m anticipating the moment Jessa actually tells Lucy that I am her father. The first time being with her at the park seemed too soon. I wait for Jessa to take the lead on it. As much fun as I’m having with Lucy—she’s an easy kid to get along with—I’m anxious for the moment to see how she reacts.

“Lucy,” Jessa says. “Do you remember that day you came home and told me that your friend Alice had a daddy but he didn’t live in the house with her and her mommy?”

Lucy nods her head, still picking at her plate. “Alice gets to go to her other house to see her daddy.”

“That’s right. All families are different,” Jessa says. “Do you remember how you asked about your daddy that day?”

She nods again. “I haven’t met him yet. You said someday soon.”

“What if I told you that day was today?” Jessa says. “Lucy, sweetie. What would you say if I told you that Cole was your daddy?”

She stops playing with her food and looks up at me with big, round eyes. This tiny kid has got me on pins and needles, waiting to hear her reaction.

“You are?” she asks me.

I nod. “Yes, sweetheart. I am. And I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here sooner, but if it’s okay with you, I’d like to see a lot more of you.”

“Would you like that, Lucy?” Jessa asks. “Do you want to spend more time with Cole?”

“Okay,” she says, as if agreeing to another slice of pizza. “Do you live here now?”

Jessa’s eyes dart at me. She wants to know too.

“I live in the city,” I say. “In a big giant house. I’ll show it to you one day, if you like.”

“Is it a castle?” she asks.

I laugh. “Sort of. And now that I think about it, it could use a princess to go with it.”

Back at their house, Jessa helps Lucy get ready for bed. Lucy starts crying, saying she doesn’t want to go to bed. She keeps leaving her room to come into the living room and Jessa has to wrangle her back.

“Do you need some help?” I ask, but honestly I have no idea what to do. Lucy’s cries get louder and louder and I can’t understand why she can’t see that she’s just tired and she should go to bed.

“No, I got it,” Jessa says.

It’s clear that she does. But it’s also clear that a little help wouldn’t hurt. I see now how much she’s done on her own. It’s about time I stepped up.