Chapter One

 

Emerson

“Don’t ignore me, Emery. He’s your brother. You know he listens to you. I can’t get through to him. I’ve tried. His reckless behavior is costing me a fortune. I’ve had to get your uncle Carl in here four times this year to repair holes in the walls and repaint, not to mention the damn fines. Are you just going to ignore this and let it happen?”

You’ve been ignoring it and letting it happen for twenty-three years!

“He’s an adult, not a kid anymore, Ma. He needs to sort out his own life. Talk to him for a change. Don’t just harp about the busted walls and bail him out of trouble. I can’t jump every time he’s a problem. What will that teach him?”

An audible tsk came through the receiver. One I’d heard my entire life which announced my mother’s complete and utter disappointment. It didn’t affect me like it once had. I loosened my tie and dropped to the couch to put my feet up while she came up with a different approach to her dilemma.

I’d barely been home from work long enough to take my shoes off when the call came in. Knowing I couldn’t avoid it any longer—seeing as it was easily her tenth time trying to contact me all week—I’d answered.

“Emery, listen—”

“It’s Emerson, Mother.”

She continued with an irritated sigh. “Emerson,” she enunciated, “Kaiden needs you. You know how he gets.”

Closing my eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose with irritation. I’d spent four years training myself not to care. Four years forcing my mind elsewhere, so I wouldn’t check up on Kaiden and rush home at the first sign of trouble. Four agonizing years purging myself of the hurt that had grown in my gut when Kaiden had announced I was an overbearing, controlling asshole who wouldn’t let him grow up and be his own person.

And four years since I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.

I’d left for a reason. Honestly, I was surprised it had taken this long for Kaiden’s world to implode. As smart as he could be, he was never wise when it came to decision making and tended to follow the crowd because he desperately wanted attention. Attention Mom had never provided. But he was emotionally unstable, and when he started losing his footing, he fell hard.

After a lifetime of being the older brother, keeping him safely under my wing, and guiding him through life’s obstacle course, I’d gone too far. It was time my mother stepped up and did her job as a parent. I’d hoped without a crutch to lean on it would have forced her to be more assertive. Independent. At the very least, I’d hoped Kaiden would have taken my endless advice and not headed down the road to self-destruction.

That didn’t seem to be the case.

“Ma, I can’t. I’m working, and we are approaching finals. There is just no way.”

It was silent on her end for a long time, and I forced away all feelings of empathy. No more.

“He spent a night in jail a few months back.”

Not listening. Not my problem. I smothered the burning need to race to my brother’s side and shake sense into him.

“Aren’t you going to ask why?”

“What good will it do? Ma, Kaiden isn’t—”

“Public drunkenness. Another fine I had to pay. For weeks, the ladies at church gave me looks, and I wasn’t included in their tea social two Sundays in a row. I thought he was getting better. Things were quiet and—”

“Ma, this is all really frustrating, I get it. I want to help, but work has me—”

“Emery, he totaled my car.”

The breath left my lungs harder than it would have had I been punched. “What? Oh, my God, Ma, is he okay?”

Ten minutes into our quarrel and she was only then dropping that piece of information?! My blood ran cold as I waited for her to answer. The thing was, Kaiden could have been critically hurt, and it probably wouldn’t dawn on her that I needed to know.

“I have to take the bus to work now.” The sullenness in her tone was unmistakable. “You know I hate the bus. It’s embarrassing.”

“Mother!” I ground my teeth. “Is Kaiden okay?”

“He’s fine. Concussion… or something. I don’t remember. One night in the hospital… or rather, two. Sorry, two. I think.”

As I willed my thrashing heart to calm, I undid more buttons on my dress shirt. “When did this happen?”

“Last week. Complete write-off. Wrapped it around a pole. You should have seen the front end. I loved that car. Now I have to wait for the insure—”

Last week?!

She continued rambling over the irritating and lazy way the insurance company dealt with paperwork, the length of her bus ride to work, and how infuriating it was transferring buses in the cold weather. I tuned her out.

Massaging my temple, I leaned back and closed my eyes. Even if I went home, Kaiden wouldn’t listen to me. Not anymore. What he needed was a combination of tough love and gentle, reassuring guidance, but our mother was the last person who would ever show him any.

Since the day he came into the world when I was only four years old, she’d stopped caring. According to specialists, she’d stopped caring at conception. Attachment disorder they’d called it. My father had tried to help. He’d tried for six long years, dragging her to psychiatrists, counselors, and doctors. None of it had done any good.

Then, a drunk driver had taken Dad’s life at the young age of only thirty-six, leaving us alone with a mentally ill mother.

I was ten years old.

“…Collette said I should look into buying a little Ford Focus, but I don’t know. Maybe an SUV would be better. We get all kinds of nasty weather, but the gas prices are—”

“Where is he right now?” I interrupted as I checked the clock on the wall.

Five fifteen. I sighed, my night was getting away from me, and I had too much work yet to take care of.

Her words fell short, and she blew out a breath as she thought. “Who?”

“Kaiden, Ma, Kai-den! Your son.”

“Oh, I’m not sure.”

“Is he working? Does he have a job?”

“I don’t think so.”

You don’t know?

“He’s hanging out with the McDonald boys again. You know their influence. That’s who he was with when he got caught vandalizing school property down on Tenth street. Another fine I had to pay. He invites them into my home. They leave this place in utter shambles when they’re over. Parties on the weekends. I’m telling you, Emery, no respect. I think one of them is stealing from me. I don’t like the way they talk either. The foul language on them. And last month—”

I held the phone away from my ear as I worked through a few deep breaths. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go home. Not with finals coming up and then there would be exams to mark and report cards due. It would easily be three weeks before I was free. Visions of my relaxing, upcoming reading week turned to ashes.

“…and drugs, Emery. Do you hear me?”

That caught my attention. Frowning, I brought the phone back to my ear. “What was that, Ma?”

“I said he’s probably smoking and doing drugs. He left one of those glass, hippy things the kids smoke out of on my coffee table. Miranda comes over all the time. What if she’d seen that? Do you know what they’ll be saying at mass on Sunday? You never did things like that. You were always respectful when you lived at home. I miss you, my sweet baby boy.”

Once again, the blanket of praise and affection was draped over me with ease. It was false devotion and endearment, delivered with the intent to pull heartstrings. Purely unconscious manipulation. Her heart forgot how to feel those natural parental emotions many, many years ago, but her brain occasionally knew enough to recite false statements. I didn’t fall for them anymore. Her perceived adoration was solely based on comparison because Kaiden was being unruly. I’d learned the difference and recognized it as clear as I knew my own face in the mirror.

“Don’t call me that, Ma.”

She continued as though she hadn’t even heard me. My status as her “sweet baby boy” was already forgotten. “And do you know what kind of disaster he is in my clean kitchen? He leaves his mess everywhere he goes. Dishes, laundry, garbage, you name it. He’s perfectly capable of doing all those things.”

I wanted to scream, “Yes, he is, because when you refused to do any of it for him when he was six, I taught him. I took care of him.” Knowing it would get me nowhere, I kept my mouth shut.

“I had the girls over for tea the other day after work. I’d spent the evening cleaning and mopping the floor, and I came home to muddied footprints all over them.”

“For the love of God, tell him to clean up after himself. It’s not that hard. Stop letting him do as he pleases. Or better yet, kick him out! He’s twenty-three. Tell him to get a job and move out. It’s time, Ma.”

“Emery, why are you speaking to me like that?”

It was conversations like the one I was having which made me wish I hadn’t given up drinking. Aside from hanging up on her—which I was about ten seconds away from doing—a stiff shot of whiskey might have been the only solution to dealing with my oblivious mother. She couldn’t be the parent, yet she didn’t seem to know how to rid herself of the responsibility either.

“I’m sorry.” I forced myself to calm. “Listen, I can’t come home for at least three weeks. If you want my help, you’ll have to wait.” I gritted my teeth, tasting the bitter bile of submission as it filled my mouth. “Once my reports are submitted, I’ll come. In the meantime… put your foot down. Quit ignoring it and him. Do you hear me? When he was little, you had a responsibility to take care of him, but he’s not little, Mom. He’s a grown man now, and all you’re doing is enabling him.”

“I’m trying.”

You’re not!

The end was near, and all it had taken was sacrificing my reading week to get there. Jagger was going to be pissed.

“I’m gonna let you go. Hang in there, Ma.”

“You’ll come home?”

“Yes. Three weeks.”

“Thank you, Emery.”

Emerson! It wasn’t a fight I was willing to have any longer. Not that night. Not when I was so close to freedom.

“Oh, and, Ma, save yourself a nightmare. Don’t tell Kaiden I’m coming.”

It was bound to make things worse. He wouldn’t be happy.

When the call disconnected, the oppressing weight of silence brought with it an overwhelming sense of panic and irritation. I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid him forever. Four years was already way longer than I’d expected. Every Christmas, I’d made excuses. Every summer, I’d gone away. My mother didn’t have an ingrained urge to nurture her children, so it hadn’t even fazed her that I’d been absent for that long. It would have surprised me more if she had noticed and inquired after me.

The phone call left me exhausted and drained, but there were too many things I needed to get done before I could fall into bed. Shower, food, and grading term papers were top of the list after I called my best friend and colleague, Jagger.

“Emerson! I’d love to ditch on grading and hang out with you!” Jagger said the moment he picked up.

“Ha! Nice try. I wish.” I chuckled, knowing that desire to abandon responsibility all too well. “If I have to work on this shit, then so do you.”

I rose from the couch and shuffled out of my pants and underwear as I headed down to the bathroom.

“I swear, if I have to read one more comparative essay from a sixteen-year-old girl trying to tell me how some new age pop singer’s lyrics are on par with Keats, or Blake, or Browning, I might put a gun to my head. Teenagers have no understanding of good literature.”

“That’s why you teach them.”

“They don’t care. They barely listen.”

I chuckled as I undid the remaining buttons on my shirt. “I’d say I feel sorry for you, except I have my own problems right now, and they just grew beyond the four walls of Lakeview High.”

“What do you mean?” There was a shuffling of papers on the other end, and Jagger’s voice muffled a moment before becoming clear again.

“I have to bail on our ski trip.”

“What?! No! I need you, Em. I can’t spend a week hanging out with Sonya, Reece, and Terry without you. You were supposed to be my sanity.”

I examined my twelve o’clock shadow in the mirror, and a jolt of excitement fizzled to life at the thought that I’d soon have an entire week when I wouldn’t feel obligated to shave. Shedding my button up, I then dropped it on the floor.

“I have to go home. My mother has summoned me, and I couldn’t get out of it. Believe me, I tried.”

“Woah! Your mother called? No way! Did hell freeze over? Or did she just realize you’ve been absent for a decade?”

I laughed as I found a razor and shaving cream. Setting my phone on speaker, I lathered my chin and neck. Jagger knew most of my family drama—or rather, what I allowed him to know—so I knew announcing my return home would come as a shock.

“She’s having issues with Kai and thinks I can sort him out. There was no getting out of it.”

“Fuck, isn’t he in his twenties now?”

“Twenty-three.”

“Tell her to pack him a bag and ship him to the curb. Sink or swim, man. We all need to learn at one point.”

I made a face, stretching my skin over my chin as I ran a razor across its surface. “She’s incapable. I have one week to set him straight. I just hope I can get him to listen. It sounds like he’s sliding downhill, badly.”

“Thought you two were on the outs.”

“We are.” I ran the razor under the water before banging it against the porcelain sink. “It’s why I left.”

“So, what happened between you two?” Jagger was eating something and flipping through papers again. His voice muffled, and I struggled to make out his words.

It wasn’t the first time he’d asked, and it wouldn’t be the first time I avoided giving him a straight answer.

“We had a fight.”

“About?”

“Stupid shit. Honestly, I don’t even remember anymore.”

He made a humph noise on the other end. He wasn’t buying it, but thankfully, Jagger knew enough to let it go. Obviously, a fight that had kept two brothers unspeaking for over four years was not something that you just forgot about in time. In another month or so, he’d try and pry it out of me again, and he’d get the same answer.

“All right, man. I get it, but I hate you. I was looking forward to racing your ass down the slopes.”

“Maybe we can duck out for a long weekend before spring moves in. I’m really sorry.”

I finished shaving and wiped a wet cloth over my face to remove the excess shaving cream.

“No worries, I get it. Family drama calls. Well, if you aren’t stealing me away from these papers, I better get back to marking.”

“Yeah, I have my own to get done. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

We disconnected our call, and I started the shower. I tried to push the conversation I’d had with my mother away, otherwise, I’d stew over it for the following three weeks.

The hot water sluiced over my skin, and I ducked my head, encouraging it to wash away the building turmoil associated with seeing Kaiden again. Perhaps we could let sleeping dogs lie and move forward. We’d been best friends all our lives, and I missed that. I missed him.

It was clear from what my mother had described, he wasn’t doing well. His path had been rocky when I’d moved away. At that vulnerable, influential age of nineteen, he hadn’t been ready to take on life with no guidance. When I’d turned my back, part of me knew he would eventually fall on his face. I was surprised it had taken four years.

After my shower, I heated some leftover chili and made myself a coffee. I had many hours of grading ahead of me and knew I’d never make it if I didn’t give myself a caffeine boost.

I taught all levels of mathematics at Lakeview High School in the form of calculus, algebra, geometry, and finite. Midway through my second year of teaching, I was still considered a new hire and had been working out the kinks in my curriculum as I went. I looked forward to a time when everything was in order each term and only required minor modifications. The past two years had been draining.

As I sat with my evening work and dinner, I stared at my phone. A lead weight sat heavy in the pit of my stomach, obliterating my appetite and leaving a queasiness I couldn’t shake. Robotically, I slid my phone toward me and drew up Kaiden’s number, reading the last messages that had passed between us four years back.

Me: I’m sorry.

Kaiden: Stop texting me.

Me: Kai, please forgive me. Let me try to explain.

Me: Don’t shut me out.

Me: Kai, please. I said I’m sorry.

One month later.

Me: Can we talk?

Two months later.

Me: Kai, I know you’re mad. If I could take it back, I would. Please, can we talk?

Me: I’m really sorry.

Four months later.

Me: Okay, last try, and I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you truly want. I can’t tell you how terrible I feel. It shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry.

The final text was dated over three and a half years back. He’d never responded. Not once. Four years without touching base. No family Christmases or Thanksgivings. Empty, noiseless space and nothing more. Heading home and seeing him again brought more anxiety than I anticipated to the surface. Unwanted memories flooded back, leaving my mind and body at odds once again. Four years and the reflexive feelings were all the same.

I didn’t know what I expected. Perhaps, envisioning a life without ever seeing Kaiden again had been easier. However, somewhere deep inside, I knew things would come to a head, and we’d need to face the ugly truth. That date was fast approaching, and even with four years to prepare myself, I wasn’t ready. Sorry just didn’t cut it. What I’d done was unforgivable.

Hovering a finger over the message box, I considered warning him of my impending arrival, despite having asked my mother to keep her mouth shut. Was his number still the same? Would I send him fleeing? Was it wise?

Deciding against it, I turned off my phone and worked to clear my head, so I could focus on what I needed to get done.

I’d buried it and successfully moved on with life. Mostly. All that shit needed to stay under the surface a little while longer. There was no room in my chaotic, semester-end life for that kind of stress as well. It was what it was, and in three weeks, perhaps I’d be on the front line of world war three with my baby brother. Unless the apocalypse happened. Of course, I wouldn’t be so lucky.