I am drowning. I don’t know if this is a dream or not. All I feel is the deluge happening above me. I’m stuck under a tidal wave of water that never seems to relent. I can’t breathe. I still feel conscious but I’m not sensing a heartbeat. Did I get here by accident? Did I decide to just end it all because I left that fucking STUPID message on Zander’s answering machine? God, how stupid. No man in his right mind would ever call me back after that psychotic breakdown.

But god damn it, I’m hormonal and scared to death that I’m going to be in this fight all alone. He said keep the fire burning. Keep it burning. But I’ve run out of fire. I’ve run out of oxygen. I’ve run out of room to breathe. It’s time to just let the waves overtake me…

I take a deep breath and wake up from my couch nap. Yes, it was a dream, all right. Not a nightmare, a dream. The dream of me leaving this world, this cold-hearted world where no one gives a damn about a person but will do anything for pussy.

God damn it, I can’t face this alone, Zander. I can’t have this baby and look every day at half of your DNA and know that I wasn’t good enough for you. I couldn’t hold it together. I couldn’t impress you the way you needed to be impressed. Your child, Zander, will be a constant reminder of how I’ve failed you. Failed you and myself.

This is how a girl goes from a virginal princess to an unwanted, hated single mother working two jobs and screwing loser guys just to feel something on the weekends. So much for my dreams, so much for my potential, so much for—

Someone is banging on the door. A sudden rush of emotion fills my lungs. Anyone but him. I’ll take anyone, anyone but him. I know it’s not him. I know it’s not him. But I need someone to help me through this. Please Lord, don’t toy with me. Please don’t make this a chocolate candy fundraiser kid or a Jehovah Witness or a fucking UPS man—

I run over to the door and hold my heart, trying my best to take the punch to the face—survive the disappointment again—

Zander Troy stands in front of me, his eyes big with anticipation. His face missing that customary SMIRK that evokes the most negative reaction from women who can’t figure him out. He just stands at my doorstep, breathing shallow breaths like he’s climbing a mountain. I start to panic, breathing in the same erratic, heart-wrenching way. I shake my head, almost telling him NO—don’t do it. Don’t break my heart. Not now.

“Maya…”

“I’m sorry,” I say, fighting tears, trying to stay strong. I can’t let him do this to me. “That wasn’t me.”

“What?” he says in confusion.

“The message, it wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“What are you talking about? Are you hallucinating? Is it normal for mothers to hallucinate?”

“What? Don’t toy with me. I know you heard the message.”

“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about, Maya. I just came here because I want to ask you something.”

“What?!”

He flinches away his discomfort. “I have a strange suspicion that came to me tonight. I know, I know, you told me not to bother you anymore. And to leave you alone. I respect that. I do.”

I shake my head, not having words…

“But I have to know. I just have to know one last time. Are you running away from me because you think I’m going to reject you? Because I never would. If that’s what you’re running way from…”

His voice cracks. He reaches out and holds me by my folded arms. “I will never hurt you. I will never get bored of you. I love you. You’re the one I want and I’ll learn, I’ll do whatever I have to do to earn your respect.”

My eyes finally tighten and tears roll out. His eyes blink tears away. And we’re left standing stupid at this common scene…a great man and just a non-virgin girl, left here, not knowing the future but in unreservedly love with each other.

But…

“But…”

He sighs, closing his eyes, expecting another rejection. But not this time. I have no other reasons to turn him away now, except one. That I love him too much to hold him down. That he deserves to break away from me after all the shit I put him through. He deserves whatever he wants, including a respite from the likes of me.

“I’m pregnant, Zander,” I say in shame. “But…you don’t have to do anything.”

He has no reaction.

I open my eyes wider, wondering if he’s zoning out or did he not hear me? If he didn’t hear my rambling phone message, then how could he possibly know…

“I know, Maya.”

Impossible! There’s no way he could have… “How—How did you know?”

“I…sensed it.” He smiles. “And yes, I knew all of that already. But I didn’t want you to think our baby was the only reason I loved you. I said from the beginning I was in love with you, long before any of this happened. And I knew…I knew what I was doing that night we were together. I wanted to be the one…I wanted to make you mine, whatever I had to do, I would have you. Even just a part of you because I love you! Because you make me want to be a better person. You believe in the good part of me. You dance with the devilish part of me. You keep up with me like no one else I ever met. I don’t want to forget you, Maya. I don’t want to move on. You taught me how to move on and how to learn from all my mistakes and grow and be happy without you—but dammit, I still want you. I want you for this Valentine’s Day. Because you and only you…are special to me.”

We both embrace at the same time and hold each other close. So close our hearts beat against each other. So close our skin’s flush. So close our souls mesh together. We can’t help but fall into each other’s lips, kissing passionately, kissing fervidly, on fire for each other—at last reveling in the hope of our humanity.

For once, not just enjoying the moment.

Not kissing for the sake of curiosity or lustful experimentation, nor tinged with any sorrow. We kiss and hug and touch each other knowing we will never have to part again and learn how to forget.

For once, we enjoy the idea of tomorrow.