Chapter12
“Are you okay, Jess?” Bradley watched the woman he’d come to admire and respect as she shook herself out of her thoughts, turning her attention back onto the food in front of her. For once, they were actually having a working lunch--going over changes to the benefits package and onboarding process for the company, that would be distributed to the HR department next in the seemingly-endless chain of revisions and tweaks to policy that came with owning a major tech company.
“Yeah--yeah, I’m fine,” Jessica said. Bradley crossed his arms over his chest, watching her more intently. He recognized many of the same behaviors that he’d seen in her when she’d been masturbating on the clock, trying to relieve the cravings for sex that had bubbled up from the addicted part of her brain: she was furtive, she was distracted, she was still an excellent worker, but over the past few weeks she’d canceled more than one date with him. Of course, Bradley told himself, there was no reason for him to take it personally; they were, of a necessity, only seeing each other casually.
That didn’t mean, he told himself, that there was something wrong--or that Jessica was succumbing to addiction. It might mean that she had something else going on that was distracting her, and that she was overwhelmed or uncomfortable with the direction that their personal-business mingling had started to go in.
It was entirely possible that there was nothing seriously wrong at all, but that things were just starting to ebb, that the situation between himself and Jessica was just falling apart--at least on the sexual level--as he’d expected it might eventually do.
“Are you sure?” Bradley picked up his container of pad kee mao, keeping his voice carefully neutral. “You seem distracted lately.”
“I’m fine,” Jessica said, shaking her head. She looked at him, and Bradley saw her composure waver. “Fine--I’m not fine, but the situation is something I have to handle on my own.” Brad raised an eyebrow, scooping up a forkful of noodles, egg, chicken, and basil and bringing it to his mouth.
“At least you can talk to me about it, can’t you?” he said before putting the food in his mouth, giving Jessica the opportunity to decide.
“It’s something from before I got clean,” Jessica explained. “It’s sort of complicated.”
“Well, we did set aside an hour for this working lunch,” Bradley said. He gave her a crooked and--he hoped--welcoming smile. “I really doubt it’s going to take us the full time to go over procedures and benefits.”
“I just feel like...if I talk to you about it, it’s going to affect how you feel about me. About how willing you are to have me work for you...or have sex with me,” Jessica said. If it’s about before, how could it affect her now? Bradley wondered if she’d gotten a belated STD result--and cringed inwardly at that slightly judgmental, quick suspicion.
“I know you were an addict,” he said, taking a different tack. “I know that you did many things you didn’t want to do to get your fix,” he added. “I’ve done some reading up on the subject--I think I can safely say that at this point I’m pretty well-versed on what rock bottom tends to look like for sex addicts.” Jessica grimaced.
“It’s not just rock bottom,” she said. “It’s that...it’s someone from my past.”
“Someone who’s come back to haunt you?” Immediately, Bradley started thinking about the people he knew--the lawyers, the people high up in the government--who could “take care of” whoever it was harassing the woman in front of him, making her feel so insecure. Jessica nodded.
“It’s...it’s someone from the height of my addiction,” she admitted. “And now apparently, he’s in Portland. He figured out I was here.” She closed her eyes, and Bradley saw her tremble slightly, saw her jaw tighten as she got control over herself. She took a breath and opened her eyes.
“I--I let him do things I would never in a million years have thought I’d let any man do to me, until suddenly I wanted to be fucked and I would do anything to make it happen. I...I did things that I just can’t…” She set her green curry aside and shifted in her chair.
“If he’s harassing you, we can take care of that--I know people in law enforcement, I know lawyers, I know senators,” Bradley said. Jessica bit her bottom lip.
“It isn’t just that,” she said. “It’s that…” she swallowed and closed her eyes again. “He knew me at the height of my addiction and learned every last one of my triggers, and how to manipulate them. He was--is--an evil little toad, but he knows how to press my buttons, and he’s somehow decided to make it his mission to get me to come back to him.”
“So, you’re worried about relapsing,” Bradley concluded. Jessica nodded.
“I don’t know how to tell you,” she said hesitantly.
“Just be completely open,” Bradley said. “I promise I won’t fire you on the spot or yell at you or anything.” Jessica looked at him doubtfully.
“You have been the most accommodating, kindest boss I’ve ever had,” she said. “But you’ve made it clear you have certain boundaries, and this...I think this would be beyond what you would be willing to hear about.”
“I am willing to hear about anything,” Bradley told her. “I’m just not necessarily willing to do anything.” Jessica hesitated for a moment longer, looking down at her hands.
“The things Drake did to me were just...revolting, a lot of them,” she said. She swallowed, and Bradley saw a tear slide down her cheek. He had learned not to become too alarmed at her crying--it was healthy, ultimately.
“If you don’t want to talk specifics, you don’t have to,” Bradley told her gently.
“I know,” Jessica said. “I feel like I need to give you some specifics, just...just so you’ll know kind of where I’m coming from.”
“Okay,” Bradley said. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“He...he found out early on that I was an addict,” Jessica said. “I didn’t really have a word for it at the time, but I guess I knew that there was something going on with me. But he knew it better than I did then. And so, he would convince me to do things like…” She took a breath. “Like participate in some kind of marathon fuck-fest with him and two of his friends for eight hours. Or find girls for a threesome or things like that. Things I don’t even want to think about having done.”
“Because you didn’t really want to do them?” Bradley wanted to be clear, but he also didn’t want to pry beyond what Jessica was willing to say.
“I didn’t want to, but it wasn’t exactly a rape situation,” she said. “It was like...like the only way I could get what I did want was to do what he wanted me to do, and so I did those things, because I needed the fix. And he kept pushing what I would be willing to do to get off.” She sighed.
“Okay,” Brad said. He gave her a few moments to regain her composure. “So, I’m assuming at some point, you cut him out of your life.” Jessica nodded.
“Before I even realized I needed treatment,” she said. “There are apparently some things I’m unwilling to do for a fix.” She laughed bitterly.
“That’s a good thing, you know,” Brad pointed out. Jessica smiled weakly.
“I know,” she said. “Anyway, I told him I never wanted to see him, hear from him, talk to him again and blocked him from my life, and I thought I was okay...but of course, it took me a while longer to figure out that it wasn’t some folie-a-deux situation. It was that I had a real problem.”
“Right,” Brad said, nodding. “So now, he’s coming back to haunt you, harassing you--and you’re afraid of relapsing.” Jessica pressed her lips together, and then caught up her bottom lip between her teeth. Bradley watched her consider how to say whatever it was she was going to say.
“There’s something...something about the way that he degraded me that just...sets me off,” she said. “Even though I’m revolted at the things he did to me--and made me do with him--there’s a part of me that still associates those kinds of things with getting off and getting a fix.” Bradley looked at Jessica with concern.
“What are you saying? I just want to be clear,” Bradley said, realizing how judgmental the initial tone of his voice had been. “I want to understand how I can help you.”
“I don’t know if you can,” Jessica replied. “I think it goes beyond your boundaries. You’ve made it clear that you refuse to degrade me and that…” She shrugged. “That’s why I said that it’s something you can’t help me with.”
“You are right that I refuse to degrade you,” Brad said. He looked at Jessica for a long moment, thinking.
“And so, if what I need is to have that...that need to be degraded filled, that itch scratched, then you can’t help me,” Jessica said. “I just have to figure out how to deal with it. And if I’m not working up to expectations…” Bradley shook his head.
“You’re working just fine,” he told her. “I’m concerned about you personally. As a human being and as a woman that I care about.” Jessica looked up from her hands and stared at him in shock.
“What are you saying?” Bradley smiled slowly.
“I like you,” he said. “I can’t say that I’m--strictly speaking--in love with you, but I like you, Jess. You’re an excellent assistant, you are amazing in bed, you are beautiful and charming and smart and funny and sweet.” He watched as Jessica blushed a deeper and deeper red.
“See, that’s why you can’t help me,” she said, shaking her head as more tears came. “You can’t do to me what my addiction keeps telling me I need someone to do to me.”
“I will not degrade you,” Bradley said, making his voice a little firmer. “But maybe--if you’re comfortable--you could tell me what you think you need, and we can discuss where to go from here.”
“You’ll think I’m the worst kind of shameless, disgusting slut,” Jessica protested. “And I am! That’s just it...I am a disgusting slut.” Bradley shook his head.
“You aren’t,” he told her firmly.
“I let a guy fuck me in the ass in a crowded parking lot so that he’d get me off,” Jessica said, almost spitting the words out. “I let him take pictures of me being railed from behind with my face drenched in cum. You can’t tell me I’m not a disgusting slut. I am. I’m…” She began to sob. “I’m a disgusting whore, and I should...I should probably just…” She crumpled in on herself, and her words trailed off into incoherent mumbles.
Bradley rose to his feet quickly and stepped around the coffee table to the seat Jessica had taken. He dropped down to his knees in front of her, and tilted her face up lightly, gently. Tears streamed down her face, but he could see the telltale flush in her cheeks as well--she had been reliving those moments, the addicted part of her mind savoring them. He leaned in and brushed his lips against the point of her chin, and carefully brushed away the tears sliding down from her eyes.
“You aren’t a disgusting whore and you’re not a slut,” Bradley told her. “You’re someone who was--and to some extent, still is--in the grips of an addiction. You did what you thought you had to do to feed that addiction. And when you realized what was wrong in your life, you got help. And you asked for help here when you needed it.”
“But what I need now...I know you can’t do that, you won’t,” she said, hiccupping slightly as sobs worked up from her diaphragm.
“I won’t degrade you,” Bradley told her. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t find an... outlet...for what you think you need.”
“An outlet?” Jessica looked at him with surprise and doubt in her eyes. Bradley brushed a few more tears away from her face, just below her eyes.
“I think that we can find a happy medium between what you think you need and what I’m willing to do,” Brad said carefully. He kissed her lightly on the lips again. “From what you’ve said--everything you’ve said--about your addiction, and how you act, and what you’ve done, I think what you’re really craving is the chance to lose yourself.” Jessica nodded.
“That’s the goal,” she said quietly. “To just sort of...shut my brain off, I guess. To hit that level of getting off where nothing in the world matters.” Brad smiled slightly.
“I think you can achieve that without going back to the other guy, or without taking on danger. I think we can make you feel that way right here, in the office--or even at my place. Or yours.”
“How the hell is that supposed to happen if you’re not willing to treat me like--”
“You won’t be a slut,” Bradley said, interrupting her. “And I’m not going to treat you like one. But what I can do is to create situations where you feel like you have to do what I say in order to get off.” Jessica’s eyes widened.
“You’re willing to do that?” Bradley nodded.
“Again, to be clear: I am not going to treat you like some living fuck-toy,” he said. “But what I can--and will, if you want it--do is to take control of the situations in which you’re allowed to get off.” He licked his lips, meeting her gaze. “If you want to, I will make you jump through hoops in order to be able to get to come. I’ll punish you for not doing what I say. I will let you submit to me, if you can give me a promise that in submitting to me, you won’t seek out degradation elsewhere.” Brad let her absorb that.
“You...you would be basically my master?”
Brad considered that.
“In a sense,” he said. “Since you want to give up control, you can give up that control to me--if you want to. And we’ll do it safely. I’ll make you work for your orgasms. I’ll even make you beg for them. We can come up with a whole system--but I will never, ever physically degrade you or make you do something you don’t want to do. And if you do something that you don’t want to do in the hopes of forcing me to degrade you, to treat you as less than a human being, then this will stop, and I will encourage you to go back into treatment.”
He kissed her lightly on the cheek and brushed his lips along the line of her jaw to her ear. “I will make you beg me to fuck you, and spank you for being a bad girl, and give you what you need--but I will never view you as a piece of meat, Jessica.” He pulled back. “Is it a deal?”
“Yes,” Jessica said, and Bradley could see the hunger in her eyes--she wanted it to start right then. But he knew that it would have to be a separate meeting. They had work to do--and she was in a vulnerable state of mind just then.
“We’ll start slow,” Bradley said. “You can go into the bathroom and get yourself off--but only after we’ve finished going over everything for HR. And if that man harasses you, I expect you to forward everything to me--including the number he’s texting you from. Don’t reply to him, just forward it to me for now.” Jessica nodded.
“I can do that,” she said. Bradley smiled and rose to his feet.
“Now let’s get to work,” he said.