Chapter Seventeen
Nic
SLOUCHING in his office chair, Nic stared out the window over the Seattle nightscape with his glass dangling from his fingers. His suit was a mess, shoes off, the tie long gone, and shirt unbuttoned to his collarbone. It was so late, no one would be around to see. Such had been his week, working until he passed out with his head on his desk. Few of his executives worked Saturdays, much less into the evening, even with the company scrambling.
Nothing had been right since his night with Sasha last Sunday. After Sasha left, he’d plugged in his dead phone, and then the deluge had begun. Missed call after missed call, text upon text. It took all night to piece together all the events and effects of everything. Then, he’d had to fly to the Leighton Price building, consult his legal department, gather his resources, calculate the effects, and come up with a battle plan.
The patent lawsuit against the Italian leather supplier had begun on Friday. Why he hadn’t heard anything about it until late on Sunday was still undetermined, but he assumed the managers had tried to deal with the problem before alerting Leighton Price. That had been the first mistake because the news had several days to ruminate, and when no one responded to his clients’ concerns, they began maneuvering out of contracts. The domino effect began, more and more businesses pulling out, worried that Leighton Price couldn’t meet production guarantees.
Nic had watched all his hard work slip away like it had merely been a dream. If only he’d been home working like he usually was. If only he hadn’t been distracted by something as frivolous as a shopping trip and fucking ridiculous pictures with Santa. His phone wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t been out all day. He might have saved some of the contracts, probably most of them, if he’d gotten his messages.
He downed the rest of his scotch and gathered his belongings before flying home for the first time all week. Yes, he’d had a lot of work, but not enough to warrant staying away so long. At least Sasha wouldn’t be there. It would have been nearly impossible to face him. Percy had mentioned he’d left the same night he’d been…. Fuck, he could barely even think the words.
He’d fired Sasha and practically kicked him out of the house. And sort of broke up with him. They hadn’t officially been together, but how much more official could it be than family outings and evenings in, heavy make-out sessions, and long, hard, mind-blowing sex? He’d ended everything professional and personal with Sasha without taking the time to do it face-to-face.
At the time, he’d been so out of his head with fear and anger, imagining the end of everything he’d built all his life, and he’d struck out at anyone within reach, including Sasha. Now that rash decision plagued him, clawing deeper and deeper into his conscience.
Every day, he’d have to look at that sofa, the kitchen, his own bed, and try not to picture Sasha there, know he’d never see him there again. He gasped as a punch of pain caught him unexpectedly.
But as much as he wanted Sasha, wanted to make up for his fucked-up treatment of Sasha, it was better to leave things as they were. Percy had found a temporary replacement nanny, a more proper one, which was particularly important now that school was out for Christmas break. Judging from the incidents the past week with the kids, having Sasha around hadn’t helped change their behavior.
Sasha had disrupted not only the household but also Nic’s focus on work. Now, his parents hadn’t returned to the house, his position was in even more jeopardy, and the business was in danger of running in the red for the first time since its inception. Everything had been going so smoothly. Until it wasn’t. Then it had seemed clear the situation with Sasha wasn’t working out.
Nic found Percy waiting for him in the den when he got home. His friend had been around nearly constantly the last few days yet not truly present at all, which was an odd thing to think but apt. No doubt Percy had a lot of opinions rolling around waiting to burst free. It wasn’t the first time, but he usually let Nic have it sooner than later.
When Nic grabbed a drink and sat across from him, Percy didn’t speak for a long while, another thing out of character for him. Yet Nic waited. After all, he’d been trained to deal with difficult business associates during negotiations. Since when had Percy become someone he needed to dance around?
Even knowing the tactic, he couldn’t stand any more. “Your disapproval is noted.” Nic stood up. “Have a good night, Percy.”
“Oh, sit the fuck down, dickhead.” Percy paused until Nic sat. “Why’d you have to put your damn hands on him, Nic? You’ve never fucked around with employees before.”
The question had been ringing in his own thoughts over the past week. As always, no answer came to mind. Sasha had been a magnetic force with an attraction he hadn’t been able to deny.
He dropped his head back on the sofa and blindly stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know why. Because I couldn’t not put them on him. Percy, I didn’t want to want him, to like him. Complicating my life wasn’t the plan.”
“Funny thing, though. I like him, too, so I don’t appreciate the position you put me in. Imagine my surprise when I found out he was more than just your kids’ caretaker. Firing employees is something I can deal with, but this was personal. So you could, what? Uncomplicate your life? Fine. I eviscerated him for you, Nic. And then I was the one who held him right there on the floor where he was gutted.”
Percy pointed at a place near the end of the sofas, and Nic could almost see Sasha there, confused, hurt, rejected. He wanted to look away, but he deserved to feel the consequences. God, there was so much he wanted to take back.
He turned his eyes back to Percy. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I sent you to do it. It’s too late to undo anything.”
Dropping his feet from the low coffee table to the floor, Percy leaned forward. “It’s not too late to talk to Sasha and get him back.”
For one moment, the idea of that blazed through his mind, but reality was a bitch. “You can’t be serious. The way I did it was horrible, wrong, but it wasn’t wrong to separate from him. Everything became so messed up because of my relationship with him.”
“You really think that?” Percy’s brows rose.
He nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
“Your logic is seriously flawed here,” Percy said. “Are you sure you’re not running scared?”
“Fuck no, I’m not running.”
“Right. He didn’t push your boundaries at all, make you want things you weren’t raised to want.” The sarcasm nearly dripped from Percy’s words. “Well, you might as well send everyone who makes you uncomfortable out of your life.”
“The boarding school for the kids. I sent the information to your email, and there’s a file in your office. Only one stood out without sending the kids out of the state, and it’s the Annie Wright School in Tacoma. They board all ages and genders. You should love it. It gets them far enough away you’ll almost never have to see them.”
A sharp cry got both of their attention. Lucy stood frozen right inside the den entry, her expression horrified. “You’re getting rid of us too?” She didn’t wait for an answer but turned and bolted from the room.
“Christ.” Nic drew his hands over his face. “She thinks I’m sending her and Ben away.”
“Weren’t you?”
He glared at Percy. “I get that you’re mad at me right now, but I wasn’t sure about the boarding school yet. I was frustrated because I’ve tried everything to get through to them. Nothing was working, but then—”
Jolting forward, he gripped the sofa on either side of his legs. A sharp exhale burst out of him as an epiphany ripped him apart. He shook his head over and over, his breath growing shorter.
“No. Fuck no. He got through.” Nic looked up. “What am I doing to myself? I don’t want to be my parents, Percy.”
He’d spent most of his childhood in boarding schools, isolated, abandoned, excluded. He’d never been good enough to satisfy his parents, never disciplined enough, focused enough. Putting Lucy and Ben into the same mold would ruin them like it had him, and for Josephine’s sake, he couldn’t allow that to happen to her children.
Percy stood and waved toward the hallway. “Then go talk to them about it. Reassure them. And for God’s sake, why don’t you think about fixing things with Sasha?”
The thought of facing Sasha after hurting him made Nic’s heart pound. Everything in him ached to have Sasha back, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how his life had fallen apart so quickly after meeting him.
When he got upstairs, Lucy wasn’t in her room, but he heard her voice farther down the hall. Ben’s bedroom door was ajar, and he was crying openly with big, messy sobs. Lucy had an arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort him.
Nic stepped inside and closed the door. “I’m sorry you heard that downstairs, Lucy. Percy was a little harsh because he’s angry with me. You two aren’t going anywhere. Ever. I’m not sending anyone away.”
She glared up at him, tears shimmering in her eyes too. “You think that’s what this is about? I didn’t tell Ben about any of what I heard.”
He shook his head, his eyes narrowing. “You didn’t? Then, what—”
“What’d you do to Sasha?” Ben shouted. His face was blotchy and his eyes puffy when he looked up.
“Ben, I didn’t do anything to Sasha,” he said. Both kids condemned him with their eyes, full of anger and something close to grief. “He wasn’t working out. You two were still getting in trouble at school.”
“What? I don’t believe you,” Lucy cried. She jumped up from where she sat on Ben’s bed, strode forward, and pointed her finger close to Nic’s face. “You think Sasha had anything to do with Ben skipping school? He did it before Sasha got here. He stopped when Sasha got here. Magically, he did it again when you ditched his musical. Did you know neither of us is failing classes anymore because of Sasha? Did you know how often he had to defend you to us every day like your own personal white knight?”
By the time she stopped, her shoulders were shaking and her face was wet. She shoved against Nic’s chest with her slender hands. Then she shoved again and again.
“He was different. He loved us.” One final shove actually moved Nic back an inch. “He loved you! How could you toss him away like he wasn’t anything special?”
Grabbing a tissue from Ben’s desk nearby, she dropped into the desk chair and wiped her face. Her words shredded what was left of his heart.
“You knew?” he whispered.
“Knew what?” Ben asked, but Lucy nodded.
“Uncle Nic, I’m almost an adult, and I’m a woman. Of course I knew. All it took was seeing the way you two looked at each other.”
“No way!” His eyes widening with understanding, Ben moved to lean against his desk next to Lucy. “You and Sasha? Then, why would you fi—”
“It’s complicated, Ben.” Nic turned to Lucy. “I don’t know that having him here was good for me.”
“Yes, it was,” she said without hesitation. “For the first time, I felt like this was a home, but mostly, I felt like you were part of it. That was one of Sasha’s magical powers.”
Nic sank down onto one of Ben’s bean bag chairs and rubbed a hand over his face. Lucy had never looked so disappointed in him, and Ben had gotten a hopeful look on his face. She put a hand on Ben’s arm, though.
“Don’t get your hopes up, Ben. Sasha didn’t fit into Uncle Nic’s sense of order around the house.” Her words held barbs much like Percy’s had. “He wasn’t perfect enough. He was too messy. He was too loud. He was too….”
She continued, but he couldn’t follow them further. Watching Ben’s face fall was hard enough, but it was those barbs that hooked Nic’s guts and spilled them. Those were his parents’ words, what they would say about Sasha, what they’d said about Nic when he was a child, too boisterous and active to please them. I don’t want to be my parents. Well, he was certainly doing a great job following in their footsteps.
“That’s not true,” he said, cutting her off. “What you said, it wasn’t true. He is perfect.”
She leaned forward and grabbed his forearms. “Then why are you waiting? He could be long gone from here, getting farther away from us.”
“Please,” Ben rasped. “Don’t let him go, Uncle Nic.”
Pushing himself out of the seat, he headed to the door and then looked back. “I can only try. I don’t know if he’ll come back.”
When he walked out, he was followed by cheers, but they didn’t soothe him as he entered his home office and sat at his desk. The way he’d treated Sasha had to have left a wound, and on top of everything, a voice deep inside warned him to protect himself, that everything he’d worked for was in jeopardy because of his feelings for Sasha.
Then his eyes fell on that silly fucking elf hanging halfway out of the bag of candy. Nearly a week and the little fellow hadn’t moved from the edge of Nic’s desk, a painful reminder of Sasha’s absence. Before last weekend, Nic had seen that elf strapped down to a Lego board with little men all around it, in a miniature bed with naked Barbies, and frozen in a block of ice with a marshmallow snowman. In a million years, he never thought he’d miss seeing that creepy elf in a new position.
He could at least find out where Sasha went. Pulling out his phone, he saw several messages had come in, and the familiar panic set in, a reminder of late Sunday night when his world had crashed and burned. When he listened to the voicemails, he ran a gamut of emotions.
First, the head of his legal team said they’d reached an agreement with the plaintiff, who then dropped the lawsuit. Then Percy called to say he’d gotten the message about the suit and was able to recover most of the contracts. Then, a call came from Anselmo. He expressed sympathy for the troubles he’d heard about with Leighton Price. He then pledged to double his contracts with Nic. The final message was his father, a long, scathing message. Nic hung up before his father’s rant was finished, something he’d never dreamed of doing before.
He started to put his head down on his desk, relief and frustration hitting at once, when he noticed the files in the middle of it. Nic opened one. The Annie Wright information was there. The school seemed amazing, but if he knew one thing, it was that sending the kids away would be one of his biggest fuckups ever. He tossed the file in the waste bin.
Flicking the other file open, his stomach flipped. Sasha’s smile stood out from their pictures with Santa. They were all smiling, even him. Had he ever appeared happy in any of his photos before? He braced his head in his hands, a deep, piercing ache spreading through him like a poison. There was no lying to himself as he found Sasha in each picture. He loved that face. He loved that man.
Of all the crap Nic had laid at Sasha’s feet, none of it had been Sasha’s fault. He’d been amazing with the kids, amazing with Nic, and nothing that happened at Leighton Price had a damned thing to do with Sasha. Yet Nic had blamed him. A week later, the lawsuit was dropped and more than enough contracts recovered to restore the numbers to where they needed to be.
Those fucking numbers. It was all he lived for, enough to neglect the children he was supposed to nurture, enough to annihilate the man he’d fallen in love with, enough to condemn himself daily to a job he hated and turn away the opportunity for something more, something better. Enough. He’d had more than enough. His father could go fuck himself. Nic couldn’t live that way anymore. It wasn’t a life plan but an early grave guarantee.
He was in pain, the kids were in pain, and Sasha was—where? He had no idea. As if his guilt weren’t burning enough in his skull, sharp awareness sank in of how badly he’d hurt Sasha. Nic had known about Sasha’s trouble with his parents. Broke and homeless, where would Sasha go? No one ever took care of Sasha. Nic had promised himself from the start that he would be different, that he’d take care of him. But he hadn’t. In the midst of his own shitstorm, he’d forgotten what Sasha needed.
Fuck. He jumped up, urgency thundering through his veins. It had been days. Was he on the street somewhere? In a shelter? Living in his truck? Fuck, fuck, fuck. He sped to Percy’s door, thumping on it without an answer and then pushing it open. The water was running in the bathroom, so he swung the door open. Percy’s reflection stared at him with disbelief, a towel wrapped around his hips and shaving cream over half of his face.
“The fuck?” he blurted.
Nic ignored him. “Wow, is that a new tattoo? Hard to tell when you’re covered in them.” He brought his eyes back to the reflection of Percy’s face. “I need help finding Sasha. Right now.”
“Well, it’s about time.” Percy relaxed, turned his gaze back to the mirror, and continued shaving.
“Hey, I’m fucking serious. I need to fucking find him right fucking now before I fucking go insane.”
Percy laughed.
“If anything happens to him before—”
“Oh, so now you care?” He whipped around to face Nic. “You have a conscience now?”
Nic got right in Percy’s face. “If you think I haven’t been in hell since last weekend, you’re blind. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I’ve raked myself over the coals every single fucking day. It was like chewing off my own limb to escape the chain and make him leave, Percy. You know damn well I couldn’t even face him to do it. Only I was a stupid, stupid man. He wasn’t chaining me. He was holding me.” He spun and began pacing the length of the bathroom. “I’m a moron. I’ve been rich since the day I was born, dammit. It never crossed my mind he wouldn’t be able to pay rent or buy food or—Christ, I have to find him. I want him back.”
Grabbing his shoulder, Percy held him in place. “You mean it? You aren’t going to toss him out in a month or two when you get scared again? Because I swear to all that’s unholy, if you—”
“I fucking mean it. I want him. I need to take care of him.” Nic sighed when Percy looked skeptical. “No matter what happens between us, I will take care of him. Please, Percy. I’m worried about him.”
Something in Nic’s face must have convinced Percy because he rinsed the shaving cream away, yanked his towel off his hips, and wiped his face.
“Jesus.” Nic spun and left the bathroom.
“You’re the one who came in for a show. Take it like a man.” Percy laughed, and it was the first time in days he’d heard it. Damn, he’d screwed up with everyone around here. “Get the driver while I get dressed. Sasha’s only minutes away.”
“You knew where he was?”
“Of course. I was his only friend here.”
The words seared like acid. He’d let Sasha down in so many ways. How could he ever make up for that? Maybe he wouldn’t want anything to do with Nic again. If so, Nic didn’t care how long it took. He’d win him back.
“Wait,” Percy called right before entering the bedroom. “It’s late. You might do better with a plan.”
“Like what?”
“You know, surprise him with something nice. Breakfast, flowers, chocolate, a new car. I don’t know. Whatever floats your boat.”
“I doubt he could be bought, Percy.”
His friend sighed heavily. “I feel sorry for Sasha getting you as a boyfriend. At least look like you put in some effort for him. Shit, Nic, you were an asshole of the biggest variety.”
Yeah, of course. Why didn’t he think of that? “You’re right,” he said. Percy nodded. “I’ll think of something, but be ready early. I’m not very patient.”
“I think we all know that. Now get the hell out of my room.”
Nic went to his own master suite where he stayed up for hours thinking about what he should say and do, how Sasha might react, whether he’d lost him for good. There was no one on the planet like Sasha, and he wasn’t going to walk away again.