Chapter Sixteen

Sasha

HE should never have left Nic Sunday night. It had been the biggest mistake of Sasha’s life, or maybe indulging his enormous emotional attachment to Nic had been the true mistake. He wasn’t ready to label himself as used, but he was nearly there. Two days of no contact should have made that clear to Sasha, but none of this made sense.

Nic hadn’t seemed like the kind of guy to play with a man’s head, to fuck him and leave him, especially when they were supposed to have a working relationship that couldn’t be ignored. Yet Sasha had been ignored. For two days.

And then tonight had been the sure indication of trouble. They’d just arrived home from Ben’s musical, which Nic had been painfully absent from. Ben was devastated, enough that he let Sasha tuck him against his side. He curved his arm around the boy, who’d been fighting away so-called unmanly tears all evening.

“I’m sure there wasn’t a choice, Ben. He wouldn’t do that to you on purpose or if he could avoid it. You know that, right?”

Ben shrugged under his arm. Lucy was too furious to speak, and after gushing about how wonderful Ben’s performance as Joseph had been, she stormed to her room, leaving them alone.

“Percy usually goes, and he wasn’t even there.” Ben’s voice wobbled.

“Well, I think that’s a good indication something serious kept Nic from coming tonight.”

Ben shoved up from the sofa. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

After he’d gone, Sasha braced his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. A sick feeling twisted inside his stomach without any sign of leaving. Neither Nic nor Percy had returned any of Sasha’s messages. He fought the negativity that threatened to overcome him, to drag him into a pit of despair, but it was eating him alive.

Maybe there was nothing going wrong between him and Nic. Maybe it was only bad timing that Nic dropped out of communication right after they’d had sex. But that wasn’t Sasha’s kind of luck. One of the worst things was his absolute lack of power to do anything about the situation. The imbalance between him and Nic had never been clearer.

Should he even bother waiting up to see if Nic was coming home tonight? He’d tried that last night already, and it had only resulted in fatigue and escalating anxiety. Repeatedly, his evening with Nic played in his mind, but nothing about it warranted this complete shutdown between them. Had second thoughts driven Nic away?

Stupid. His dumb ass shouldn’t have talked about his financial problems or his issues with his parents. Nic might have thought Sasha was angling for money or something. It was possible Nic had run into gold diggers plenty of times before. He could imagine the discussion about finances coming off as uncomfortable, though at the time, Nic hadn’t seemed to think anything bad of it. Even if it wasn’t about the money, maybe dumping his problems on Nic had been a mistake.

Whatever the issue, sitting on the sofa all night wasn’t going to solve it. He had no choice but to wait for Nic to make an appearance and explain why he’d ghosted Sasha. As he headed up to his suite, guilt gnawed at him on top of his own confusion and fears. Would Nic have skipped out on the musical to avoid Sasha? If so, it was on Sasha’s head that Ben was so hurt and betrayed. So much for being a positive influence on the kids.

Sasha curled up on his bed fully clothed when he got to his suite, too emotionally drained to do much more. He spent the night tossing and turning, occasionally drifting off only to jerk awake at every little noise in the house, every notification popping up on his phone. He was up early to make breakfast for Ben and Lucy, but neither came to the kitchen until it was nearly time for them to leave for school. They were both subdued and only grabbed granola bars and fruit before racing to meet the driver out front. They had his empathy.

Trying to force food past his own nonexistent appetite, he managed a few bites of cereal and a small glass of juice, but it was his chest that felt hollow and needing fulfillment, not his stomach. It was simple to think he wouldn’t be suffering through this if he hadn’t gotten involved with Nic, but then, he also wouldn’t have had the best couple of weeks of his life either. Part of him still held hope he could work out whatever mystery problem had worked its way between them over the last three days.

He did the only thing that could possibly ease him. He ran. Then he kept going beyond his usual distance as if demons were at his heels. When he returned, more exhausted than ever, he showered and dressed and then cleaned the kitchen right before messing it all up again to make something special for Lucy’s big night. He’d decided on a caramel apple cheesecake because she was a complete freak for anything with cheesecake in it. After he’d gotten it in the oven, set the timer, and cleaned the kitchen once more, he made some phone calls.

The first was to have the dress and accessories Lucy had selected sent over. The next was to confirm Lucy’s appointment with her favorite stylist to do her hair and makeup. Then he checked her dinner reservations at the Hardware Store Restaurant, Lucy’s favorite, and as a surprise, arranged for a special limo to drive her and Damian in case the boy didn’t have anything set up.

By the time he was done, his timer had gone off, so he pulled the cheesecake out to cool. He glanced at his watch; there were too many hours left in the day. Without any purpose or place to be, he crept up to his room and tried to nap without any luck.

A half hour later when his phone rang, he nearly pounced on it, but it was McMurray, Ben’s school. He frowned and answered. Then he cussed a streak after hanging up. Ben had skipped school. Again. Nic was going to be furious, no question about it. He had never hidden how extremely important he considered the kids’ schooling.

Sasha had to find him quickly. After throwing on a thick, zippered Seahawks hoodie and a pair of tennis shoes, he raced down to the front door and out to the garage where he threw caution to the wind and hopped in his truck instead of waiting for a driver. The first place he thought to go was Crow Beach. Ben had shown great interest in photography once he’d gotten a good look at Sasha’s camera, and they’d talked about it quite a lot. It was then that Ben had mentioned the crows and the sunset views of Mount Rainier in the distance. Clearly, it was a haven of peace for Ben. Apparently, he’d needed that haven today too.

Sasha found Ben sitting on a large log of driftwood. The kid’s shoulders slumped as he watched the water.

“Whatever you’re looking for, you won’t find it out there,” Sasha said as he dropped onto the driftwood next to Ben.

“I never should have told you about this place.”

“You’d rather cops come to find you?”

With a snort, Ben shook his head. “I can’t sit in class right now.”

“Why not?” Sasha asked. “And don’t give me that generic crap about hating it and the classes being useless. What are you feeling when you sit there that makes you want to run away from it?”

Ben finally turned his head and looked at Sasha. The kid’s eyes were red-rimmed, which cut Sasha’s guts like he’d swallowed broken glass. “I don’t know. Restless? I can’t sit there. I’m so full of… something. Like I’m going to burst.”

“And you want to yell and cry and hit things? Something like that?”

He nodded in response, and Sasha put an arm over his shoulder.

“That’s okay, and it’s normal. No one ever wants to hear these words, but it’ll pass, and it will get better.”

“That’s bullshit,” he said. Sasha ignored the language and focused on Ben’s expression as he said it. Cynical, hopeless, but mostly sad.

“You’ve felt like this a long time, haven’t you?”

Ben lifted his head and sent Sasha a look of surprise before nodding. “Things were finally going okay since you got here.”

“And then last night happened,” Sasha finished.

“He still hasn’t said anything. I don’t think he cares about us.”

Sasha could relate, but the kids were family. They’d been with Nic for years, and he was a parent now whether he wanted to deny the role or not. Maybe Sasha had fucked up with Nic somewhere along the line, but the kids deserved better treatment than this.

“I don’t believe that, Ben. I really don’t.” He squeezed Ben’s shoulder. “I’m thinking he’s struggling with a lot right now. He has so many responsibilities, more than he ever lets on, and he’s trying to keep a balance without having anything drop. Like juggling, you know. It’s impossible to expect nothing to drop. He tries, but he’s human. Sometimes he fails.”

“But he drops us a lot.”

“Does he? Are you ever without food, shelter, clothes?” He waited for Ben to shake his head. “Don’t you have a clean house, good food, and reliable people to help care for you?” An answering nod. “Does he neglect your education because your future doesn’t matter?” Another shake of his head. “When you ask for something, does he deny you? And before you bring up the musical, think about how many times you’ve actually asked him to be there.”

A long pause and then Ben shook his head. “I didn’t think about that. We tell him about events. I can’t remember ever inviting him to any.”

A relieved sigh swept Sasha. That was exactly what he needed Ben to see. “No, he’s never invited. Imagine him losing his sister and then finding out he needed to be a parent. He wasn’t prepared. Would he feel good enough to step into those shoes, especially with you two grieving and in pain? Do you think he’s ever felt good enough?”

“But he doesn’t have to be them,” Ben said.

“What is it you want from him, Ben?”

Tears pooled in the boy’s eyes. “I just want him to be around. I want….”

“You want him to love you,” Sasha said. Ben nodded, ducking his head against Sasha’s shoulder to hide his tears, his curly hair tickling Sasha’s throat and chin. “Sometimes to get love, you have to give it. I know you had a good time with Nic this past weekend and with the game night. You can have more of that. Ben, you can tell him you love him. You can invite him in. He needs it as much as you do. He’s been hovering outside of you and Lucy for a long time, and it’s gotta be cold out there.”

Ben sniffled. “Are you sure?”

“About this? Heck yeah, I’m sure. Watch and see. Ask him to eat with you. Ask him to spend time with you, to take you places you want to go. Ask him for advice. For Christ’s sake, Ben, hug him. He’s not wrapped in an untouchable bubble, and he’s not mean like your grandparents. I promise you, he won’t turn you away.”

With a sob, Ben threw his arms around Sasha’s ribs tightly, and then he whispered, “Thanks, Sasha. I’m ready to go home now.”

“Not school?”

He laughed. “It’s a short day because of an assembly. Unless you want me to go back for that?”

“Nah. Let’s go home.”

As it turned out, they’d been talking a while, and school would have been nearly out anyway. Ben spent the short ride home completely psyched about riding in Sasha’s lifted beast of a truck, making him glad he’d decided to drive himself. He’d collected many of his best memories in this cab. Now he could add Ben to the collection.

Ben headed to his room as soon as he got in, but Sasha froze as he was about to pass the den when he saw Percy lounging in there with his feet propped on the coffee table. He rose from the sofa when he saw Sasha.

Sasha’s heart thumped a staccato rhythm before leveling out again. He met Percy halfway across the room.

“I’ve been leaving messages.” He didn’t quite know what to do with his hands, so he shoved them into the front pockets of his jeans. The way Percy looked at him but didn’t meet his eyes had him on edge.

Percy sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

The pause stretched his nerves to a breaking point. “What the fuck’s going on, Percy? Please, just spit it out.”

With his arms crossed, Percy’s shoulders dropped. “There’s no easy way to say this, Sasha, but you’re fired. How long will it take you to pack up? I can have house staff help you if you need it.”

The sick feeling in him blew up to outright nausea. He swallowed a few times, his face flushing with heat as he fought a battle with his stomach. “Why? What happened?”

“Look, Monday he wanted you gone. He didn’t explain why, but there was a lot going on that day, a business emergency. Someone slapped his newest acquisition in Italy with a patent lawsuit. The news hit, and everyone panicked. He wasn’t available Sunday, so a bunch of clients took their business elsewhere by Monday. We lost millions in sales overnight.”

“It was only one day.”

“Bad shit happens fast, and the pressure for instant response is high at his level in the company. It wasn’t only the distraction, Sasha. He got a message that Ben ditched school today.”

“I talked to Ben. I don’t think it’ll be a—”

“Do you know why I’m home right now when Nic needs me at work fighting for the company with him?”

He shook his head, his throat too tight and achy to respond.

“Lucy got in a fight at school. You weren’t answering your phone, so I had to pick her up. She’s been suspended. I shouldn’t have to add she’s not going to the dance tonight.” Percy dropped his hands to his hips. “I’m really sorry, Sasha. I don’t think this is your fault. It’s horrible timing, and Nic’s more wrecked than I’ve ever seen him. He couldn’t take on more problems, and he got slammed with two strikes today.”

“And he couldn’t tell me himself?” His fists clenched as pain blew his heart to pieces. “Not even a call?”

“Like I said, he doesn’t need more problems. He always has me deal with employee issues. Don’t take it personally.”

“He wasn’t just—” He choked on the words, and his vision blurred. “Oh God, Percy, we weren’t just—”

He doesn’t need more problems. That’s all Sasha ever was to everyone, wasn’t he? Too much of a burden. Too much trouble. How did he keep letting this happen? He couldn’t even blame Nic for this. Sasha had been the failure who couldn’t keep the kids happy. Devastating misery brought Sasha to his knees, his head cradled in his hands.

“Fuck. Goddamn you, Nic,” he heard Percy whisper above him. Then, Percy’s arms came around him, his big body covering Sasha’s back, and he couldn’t hold back the agony anymore. He let himself cry, let out the silent sobs racking his body while Percy held him. Who the fuck cared now? There was only Percy, and a rejection from him, too, couldn’t possibly top Nic’s.

He had no home, no job, no family, no money. He had nowhere to turn and a macerated heart painting the crater in his chest where a whole one used to be. Of everything, that was the worst. He’d let himself feel too much for Nic. His entire life having to take care of himself, he’d never been a quitter. So, he’d pick himself up and survive, find a home and a job.

But Nic could never be replaced. The bloody mass in his chest would just have to stay obliterated for a while.