Chapter 12: The Mated Northern Dragons

 

 

“AND JUST where do you think you’re going?”

I froze at the main entrance to the castle, my pack hoisted on my shoulder. It was the middle of the night, and I thought I’d been so sneaky. I should have realized that Randall was a creepy-ass stalker.

I turned slowly to look at him. He stood near the staircase, arms crossed over his chest, robes flowing gracefully. “Heeyyy, dude. What is up?”

He arched an eyebrow at me.

“You got insomnia?” I asked. “That’s an old-person thing, right? Insomnia.” I frowned. “Maybe I mean incontinence.”

“Do you ever tire of hearing your own voice?”

I shrugged. “It’s pretty much the only one I’ve got, so.”

“What are you doing?”

“Going for a walk?”

“Try again.”

“Going for a long walk?”

“Last chance.”

I sighed. “Fine. I’m going to the dragons because their voices are getting really loud in my head, and if I don’t go to them, they’ll come to me, and I really don’t want them to be super pissed off at me more than they already are.”

“Is anything ever easy with you?”

“My hair,” I said promptly. “I just rolled out of bed and it looks like this. Great, right?”

He uncrossed his arms and took a step toward me. “Sam, what could have possibly possessed you to think this was a good idea?”

“Hey! I have good ideas.”

He waited.

“Sometimes,” I amended. “But. This is…. I can’t wait for the others to get here. I don’t want to wait for them.”

“Why?”

I shook my head. “You didn’t… you didn’t see the dream. Ryan was scared. They scared him. And I don’t want to run the risk of anything happening to him. Or Gary and Tiggy and Justin. Kevin is injured and can’t even fly. I just—I need to do this. Now. I need to get this done and over with. Now.”

“You promised him. Kevin told you to wait, and you promised him.”

I winced as I rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah. He’s not going to be real happy with me. Probably.”

“You are an idiot.”

“So you’ve said. Thanks for that. Really keeps the ol’ self-esteem in check. Overblown ego? Not when Randall’s around—”

“I’m coming with you.”

I blinked. “What?”

“If you’re going now, I am coming with you.”

“Uh, no offense—”

“Really, have you ever meant that in your life?”

“—but can you even make it in the snow for very long? I mean, you’re super old, dude. I don’t want you to accidentally keel over and die. I would have to leave your body wherever it fell, and then, hundreds of years from now, mountain climbers would find you perfectly preserved and would wonder what religious purposes your eyebrows served.”

“Your concern is touching. But I think I’ll be able to handle myself just fine. Besides, how were you planning on locating the creatures?”

“Hey! I have a plan. It’s a good plan too.”

He scoffed. “Were you just going to go outside and start yelling HEY DRAGON to see where it led?”

“Exactly. Wait. I mean no, of course not. Why, that would just be ridiculous.”

He rolled his eyes. “I weep for all our futures.”

“It’ll be okay,” I said. “Probably.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I know where they are?”

“Um. Yes?”

“Gods.”

“You don’t have to sound so exasperated. Geez.”

“Wait here,” he ordered. “There’s a few things I need to gather before we leave. It won’t be but a moment.”

I sighed. “If you slow me down, I will leave you behind.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

“Bullshit,” I muttered.

 

 

“HOW,” I gasped, lungs burning, “in the name of all that’s holy, are you human?”

We were on a path cut into the side of the mountain, steep and dusted with snow. It’d been a sharp incline for a while now, and my legs felt like they were ready to fall off.

Randall, of course, looked as if he wasn’t affected in the slightest.

I despised every single part of his being.

The sky was beginning to lighten, and flurries were swirling around us. We’d been at it for a good few hours, and Castle Freesias had long since passed from view. I expected to have Randall lead at a slow pace where I’d need to refrain from trying to pass him every few seconds.

That, unfortunately, didn’t happen.

I probably should have realized I was in trouble when he’d come back down the stairs with a walking stick.

Who the fuck had a walking stick and actually used it?

Randall did.

I’d scoffed at him while inwardly wondering if I was doomed.

“Maybe we should take a break,” I said. “Have some jerky or something. While sitting down. And not moving.”

“We still have a ways to go,” Randall said. “It’s best to keep going for now so we don’t get stuck in an open place like this should there be a storm.”

“What’s ‘a ways’?”

“Oh,” he said cheerfully, “hours.”

“I like my idea so much better,” I muttered.

“Of course you would. Most narcissists do.”

“You know what? I don’t even care that you just insulted me. My thighs are quivering, and I am coming to the realization that climbing mountains is the absolute worst.”

“What is it with you and thighs?”

“Gross. Stop talking dirty to me. You know I don’t like you like that.”

Yeah, I deserved it when he smacked me on the top of the head with his walking stick.

 

 

IT WAS late morning when we stopped for the second time in an alcove of sorts. A rocky shelf stuck out of the side of the mountain over us, and while it wasn’t warm, it was a respite from the wind.

I collapsed face-first in the snow, my pack digging into my back. “Just leave me here,” I said, voice muffled. “This is a good place for me to die. I don’t even care. Those mountain climbers can find me instead and wonder what religious purposes my booty served.”

“I would have no problem with that,” he said, taking a seat on a boulder near the back of the alcove. “But I am sure someone would say something. The people who care for you tend to be a bit….”

“Protective?” I asked, turning my head to look at him.

“I was going to say loud.”

“Ah. That works too.”

“It often does with you.”

“I’m so tired, I can’t even think of a devastating retort.”

“Oh, blessed be. Maybe stop talking for a little while, then. Rest your mouth and my ears.”

I did. For a good three minutes. “So.”

He sighed the most put-upon sigh I’d ever heard.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

He hadn’t been expecting that, if the look he gave me meant anything. “For?”

I pushed myself up until I could move next to the boulder where he sat. I leaned against the back wall, setting my pack on the ground beside me. I brought my knees up to my chest. “For what I said. You know. Before.”

“You said many things that you should apologize for. Be specific.”

I bit my tongue against the sass that threatened to spill. Once I was sure it had passed, I said, “I’m talking about how I upset you when I asked why you didn’t have a wizarding name like everyone else.”

He stiffened but made no move to throw me off the side of the mountain, so that was a start. We sat in an awkward silence that seemed to stretch on for days. Just when I was about to literally say anything (and probably make things that much worse), Randall surprised me by speaking first.

“I don’t like to think about it.”

“Oh. That’s… fair?”

He scoffed. “That’s what you’re going with?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure what else to say.”

“And you’re not going to push?”

“Nah. That’s not my thing. If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. You’re allowed to keep things to yourself. If they don’t involve me, that is. Because any shit that involves me, I demand you tell me right away. No more secrets. Secrets suck. Ryan’s already going to be so pissed at me when I tell him everything.” Which was not something I was looking forward to.

“He doesn’t know about—”

I shook my head. “Everything I wrote and showed you in my Grimoire? Yeah. You’re kind of the only one, dude. So. Yay you, or whatever.”

“Don’t call me dude,” he said, but it lacked its usual heat. Which was good, because I really did prefer the whole wear-you-down method when it came to things. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

I shrugged. “Because I thought I could save him.”

“You’re a moron.”

“Probably.”

He sighed. “But so am I.”

“You won’t hear me arguing.”

“I….” He looked out to the falling snow. Then, “I wanted to forget.”

“Forget what?”

“Magic. Everything. After… after him, I wanted nothing more than to collapse in on myself like a star.”

I couldn’t find a single word to say.

He chuckled ruefully. “At the very least, I wanted to hide myself away from everything. To mourn in isolation. Magic had—I’ve always loved it. Magic. Ever since I was a boy. I was always enchanted by it. That I could do things that others could not. That I could help others in ways they didn’t expect. That I could bend the natural boundaries of the world at my whim. It was… intoxicating.

“Then he—Myrin. He only added to it. I never thought my cornerstone would be another wizard. I’d never heard of such a thing. My mentor warned me against it, telling me that cornerstones were a folly of man. And for a long time, I believed him. I didn’t—I didn’t have a cornerstone. Not even when I passed the Trials. I did it on my own. He didn’t come until after. I was… enchanted. By him. I don’t know that I could have stopped it had I tried.”

The wind howled.

“I don’t know if it was me,” he continued. “I don’t know if it was just him. Or a combination of the two. Or some other reason entirely. I don’t know why he—he did what he did. Why he chose the path to darkness. But he did, and you know what happened after that. Eventually, he was overcome. Eventually, he was locked away. Locked away in hopes that one day he could be purified again. Be the man Morgan and I had loved. But I… I didn’t want it anymore. The magic. I blamed it. For everything that had happened. I pulled the King of Sorrow back from the grip of madness, and I wanted that to be it. I was suffering. I was hurting. I wanted to be selfish. Do you know what stopped me?”

I started to shake my head but stopped myself. “Morgan.”

“Yes. Morgan. He stopped me. He told me that the world needed me, and I it. That one day I would find my way again. Maybe it wouldn’t be with Myrin. Maybe there would be no cure. Maybe we would never see him again. But if I stopped, Morgan said, if I just gave up, then he would have won. And that, no matter what, could not happen.”

He looked down at his hands. “It took a few years. To piece myself back together. For him. But I did, at least temporarily. He passed the Trials. He became Morgan of Shadows by his own choice. He thought it was a way of… honoring his brother. And after, I… let myself fall.”

“What happened then?”

He shook his head. “That’s a story for another day.”

“I’m glad that you didn’t give up,” I said quietly.

He laughed dryly. “Even after everything?”

“Even after everything.”

“You’re a good man, Sam. I know that I—I know that I don’t say it often. Or ever. But I am proud of you and the man you’ve become.”

I grinned at him. “Should we hug?”

He glared at me. “I will tell you the name if you don’t.”

“Oh my gods,” I said. “That is the hardest choice ever.”

“That’s just sad.”

“I mean, your wizarding name is probably something amazing. But everyone knows that hugs are just as amazing. If not more. Argh. Curse you, Randall! How dare you put me in such a position!”

“You have two seconds to decide.”

“What! So unfair!”

“One second.”

“Gaaah, okay, okay. The name. Give me the name.”

“Done, but for one thing.”

“Caveat. Of course there’s a caveat. There’s no caveats in hugs. Should have chosen that. Wicked lame, dude. You suck.”

“You can’t ask anything more about it.”

I arched an eyebrow. “About the name? Uh. Okay. That’s… I don’t know what that is. But this is the path I chose, so lay it on me.”

He stood, knees popping, standing taller than I’d ever seen him before. I felt the magic curling around our little alcove, and it was bright and sharp. I was in awe at the strength of it.

He looked down at me and said, “When I was an apprentice, I was Randall the Golden Leaf. When I passed the Trials, I became Randall of Dragons. Come now. We have rested long enough.”

Then he disappeared out into the snow, leaving me gaping after him.

 

 

HOURS LATER:

“You can’t just—”

“No.”

“But you have to—”

“No.”

“But what about—”

“No.”

“Oh my fucking gods,” I groused. “You are the worst. You are the absolute fucking worst. I can’t even with you right now.”

“Good. Maybe you’ll shut up for a little while, then.”

“Oh really, Randall of Dragons? You want me to shut up? Please, come at me, bro. Let’s do this right now!”

“Right now?” he asked, looking over his shoulder.

We stood on a winding path that was barely the width of my shoulders. On the left was a sheer rock face that rose into the clouds. On my right was a drop that went directly down the side of the mountain. “Okay,” I said, backtracking a little. “Maybe not right now, but when we get to a place I don’t feel like vomiting at the sight of, you come at me, bro. Bring it.”

“I doubt you would like what I would bring.” He turned back around and continued forward.

“You’re enjoying this far too much,” I grumbled. “Should have gone with the damn hug. At least that way, I could have—”

Wizard wizard wizardwizardWIZARD

I stumbled, pitching to the right, head spinning as I was assaulted by the sheer pull of it, and I was falling—

A hand clasped tightly around my bicep, jerking me back. I hit the rock face, breathing heavily. That was too close.

“What the hell are you doing?” Randall demanded.

“Felt them,” I gasped, staring wide-eyed at the expanse of nothing before me. “In my head. They’re calling me.”

His eyes narrowed as he looked up. “We’re close. It would be prudent if you watched your step from this point forward.”

“Yeah, good idea. Watching my step. Watching all my steps. You don’t even know how many of my steps I’m going to watch.”

“All of them?”

I smiled weakly. “Maybe next time, wait until we’re not scaling the side of a mountain to develop a sense of humor.”

We continued upward, the path steep and narrowing even further. I could feel them at the back of my mind, tugging me forward. I gritted my teeth together to keep as much control as I could, but it was a difficult battle. It hadn’t been like this with Zero. I didn’t know if it was because there were two of them, or if it was because they were mated, but it hadn’t been like this in the desert. I just needed to get to them, let them see that I was a twink, and then the lesbian dragons and I would be best friends forever and that would be that.

However, when one decides on using the idea of being a twink as the main focal point of a plan, one should expect the plan to go awry. When seen from the outside, it should be plainly obvious. From the outside, one would never agree that being a twink is the best and only way to tame lesbian dragons.

But seeing as how I was on the side of a mountain, out of breath, trailing a man named Randall of Dragons, for fuck’s sake, I wasn’t necessarily thinking things through.

Which, of course, sums up most of my plans.

So when we crested a sharp hill and came to a gigantic flat surface, I was sure of myself.

Mostly sure.

Fifty percent.

Let’s try that again.

So when we crested a sharp hill and came to a gigantic flat surface, I was partially sure of myself. But it was a good partially sure.

At least until I saw the large opening carved into the side of the mountain.

“Please tell me we don’t have to go inside the dark, scary cave.”

“We have to go inside the dark, scary cave,” Randall said, barely containing his glee.

“I hate you so much right now. You don’t even know.”

“You’ll never know how much that pains me.”

“Ugh. Stop having a mouth full of sass. Let’s just get this over with.”

I tried to take a step forward, but he put an arm against my chest to stop me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, annoyed.

“What are you doing?”

“Going to get the dragons!”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“Same way I got Zero. By showing my face, letting them get all snarly. The difference here is that they’re not fourteen-year-old little shits. They’ll see I’m a twink, and since they’re lesbians, they’ll love me and… wow. I really didn’t think that plan through, oh my gods. Why were you going to let me go through with this?”

“If only you’d had that realization years ago, one wonders where you might be. And I wasn’t letting you do anything. You were the one who was trying to sneak out of the castle!”

“You’re my elder,” I insisted. “You should know better than to enable me. Good job on that one. Just… let me think. For a moment.”

“I suppose there’s a first time for everything,” Randall muttered under his breath.

The plateau was larger than I expected it to be. The mountain still rose high above us, disappearing into the clouds, but the section we stood upon looked as if it had been carved into the side of the mountain. And given that I still knew absolutely nothing about dragons, even though I technically lived with one (though, in my defense, Kevin was the absolute worst dragon ever), I didn’t know if it was natural or if it had been… done. By something large.

The entrance to the cave itself looked as if Castle Freesias could have sat inside it with the topmost tower clearing the ceiling of the cave. And that… well. That certainly didn’t put me at ease.

“You said you’ve seen them,” I said, not looking away from the cave, the whispers in my head getting louder.

“I have,” Randall said.

“Are they… big?”

“They’re dragons.”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Any chance you’ll tell me why you were called Randall of Dragons?”

“It doesn’t matter. Not here. Not for this.”

“Yeah,” I breathed out. “Right.” I scrubbed my hand over my face. “So, Kevin is of the four-legged variety. Zero was a snake dragon monster thing. What kind of dragons am I looking at here? You gotta give me something.”

“They’re… feathered.”

“Feathered,” I said flatly. “That’s what you’re going with.”

He shrugged. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he was having the time of his life. But he couldn’t have been that stupid, right?

“Like… birds?”

“Very large birds, yes.”

“Oh my gods. Why are you like this?”

He smiled. “This is your destiny, Sam. I’m just along for the ride.”

Since I figured murdering him was out of the question, I decided to go in a different direction. “Okay, so here’s the plan.”

“I wait with bated breath.”

“Stop trying to be funny!”

“I cannot stop what comes naturally.”

“Gaaah! Okay! Here’s the plan. We are going to walk to the cave entrance. We are going to announce our presence. And then we are going to ask the dragons to come out and we’ll have a nice conversation. They’ll see what a good guy I am, and undoubtedly, since he’s an absolute dick, the star dragon will have already told them I would be coming. Hell, he probably told them a million years ago. There! See? It’s foolproof.”

“I often find that only fools see things as foolproof.”

I had a brief fantasy of him tumbling head over heels after I pushed him over the side of the mountain. “This will work.”

He shrugged, looking almost bored. “If you say so.”

“Well I do say so.”

“Good. You sound confident.”

“So confident. You don’t even know how confident I am. Like, I’m the most confident I’ve ever been.”

“Uh-huh. So. Lead the way.”

I blanched at that. “Uh. Right. Okay. So. Here’s the thing. Maybe you should go first.”

“And why would I do that?”

Because if they were hungry, they could eat him while I ran. He’d already lived a long life. I was just starting mine. He was pale like the snow. I didn’t think dragons would like dark meat. Take your pick. “Because I respect you more than anything in the world,” I said, eyes wide and innocent.

He shoved my shoulder, forcing me ahead of him.

“Dammit. Fine. Since I can’t count on you to do it, I will.”

“I’ll be right behind you,” he said.

“That doesn’t reassure me like you think it does.”

We started across the plateau. The snow was only flurries, but there was a strong wind that seemed to make it worse. It stung against my cheeks. I pulled the fur-lined collar of my coat tighter around my neck, trying to stay as warm as I could.

The whispers in my head were louder. They said things like wizard and hear us and we have been waiting for you, which wasn’t exactly helping my nerves. I had to remind myself that I needed to be brave rather than give in to the urge to run back down the mountain and find Ryan and the others and decide to take a beach vacation because godsdammit, I’d earned it more than anyone else in the world.

“Stupid fucking dragons,” I muttered. “Godsdamned prophecies. I just want one of those fruity drinks with the little umbrellas in it. Is that too much to ask?”

As we got closer to the cave, the whispers grew louder, clearer. They spoke as one, but I could feel two distinct pulses. One fluttered, almost like a bird. The other felt heavy and weighted. It was the more dominant of the two, and while it wasn’t angry, per se, it most definitely wasn’t happy that I was here.

“You can feel them, can’t you?” Randall asked quietly.

I nodded. “Both of them. They’re… bright. And strong.”

“Still think the plan of yours is going to work?”

No. No, I didn’t. In fact, I thought there was a very good chance that I’d be dragon shit by this time tomorrow, but I didn’t want to say that out loud. So I said, “Totally. You’ll see. You’re going to be so impressed, you’ll probably say something like, ‘Oh wow, Sam. I should never have doubted you. Your plans are the best, and so are you. You are my favorite thing ever.’”

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d say.”

“Just you wait.”

“I can barely stand the anticipation.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, we are approaching a very large cave where there are probably two dragons inside that want to see what Sam of Wilds tastes like, and not in the good way. I would appreciate if I could have some godsdamn support here!”

“You sound stressed.”

“Would you just—”

WIZARD

I put my hands to my head and hunched over, trying to breathe through the building pressure.

“You don’t have to be so fucking loud,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m standing right here.”

Randall put his hand on my shoulder, and he squeezed once but said nothing. It was almost… comforting. But since it was Randall, I assumed he was trying to curse me somehow. Once I was able to focus, I stood upright again, causing his hand to slip from my shoulder.

The cave entrance was much larger than I thought it’d been from the other side of the plateau. Surprisingly, that did nothing to soothe my nerves. My throat clicked when I swallowed as I stared up at the cave ceiling.

It was light enough that I could see partway into the cave. Ice crystals hung from the ceiling, glittering in the low light. They looked like precious stones, diamonds and azurite and agate. They covered the ceiling and the walls, cold and forbidding. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and I was in awe that such a place could exist. I could see the beauty in it, even if I would rather have been anywhere else in the world.

Yeah. I was scared shitless. I had no qualms in thinking that.

Saying it aloud, however. Especially in front of Randall?

No fucking way.

So I puffed out my chest and squared my shoulders, the wind whipping around, causing my robes to billow. I looked badass. I was badass. I was a godsdamn wizard. I had a destiny of motherfucking dragons. The gods themselves had chosen me to take on the most evil of all the villains. I was going to kick so much ass and take so many names. I had this. I had this.

Something large growled in the cave.

I didn’t have this. “There’s more meat on Randall’s bones than mine!” I cried, voice echoing around the cave as I cowered behind Randall, peering over his shoulder. “If you need to eat someone, start with him so it gives me time to run away!”

Randall sighed like everything wrong with the world was somehow my fault. “Really, Sam?”

“Sorry,” I said, hastily brushing off his shoulders for reasons I didn’t quite understand. “Fear response. It could happen to anyone.”

He wasn’t amused. “You told them to eat me first so you could run.”

“If it helps, I’m not very proud about that.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“We’re on the same page, then.”

“Should we continue on?”

“Maybe we could wait right here and not go farther into the spooky ice cave—aaaaand you’re walking farther into the spooky ice cave.”

I thought about letting him go on his own, but I wasn’t that big of a dick, so I hurried after him, gaze darting around the cave, sure I was going to see dragons with large teeth barreling toward us.

“Lesbians love me,” I muttered. “Lesbians love me. Lesbians love me.”

The light grew dimmer the farther we went into the cave. The fact that the cave kept going was not something I was too fond of. I would have appreciated if the lesbian feather dragons had decided to nest some place far less… this place.

WizardWizardWizard

He is here

I can hear him breathing

I can hear him walking

He’s close

Closer

“Wow,” I said without meaning to. “You have to realize that’s just making things worse, right?”

Randall looked back at me, massive eyebrow arched.

“Sorry,” I said, gesturing toward my head. “Dragons talking to me. They’re being creepy. I didn’t know lesbians could be creepy. That kind of alters my whole worldview. It’s also rude.” I raised my voice on the last word, hearing it echo around us.

Randall looked as if he thought I was an idiot. Which is to say how he normally looked. But then something else crossed his face, and his eyes widened.

“What?” I asked nervously. “Please don’t tell me this is the point where you say it’s standing right behind me, because, dude. That would just totally suck my balls.”

“Your eyes,” he said.

“Uh. Yes? I have them?”

“They’re glowing blue.”

I blinked. “Oh. Shit. Yeah, that’s apparently a thing that happens. They glowed red when we were in the desert approaching Zero.”

“Did they change with Kevin?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. The first time I saw him, I was getting knocked through an equipment shed after he said he wanted to fuck me. The second time, I was chained up by the Cult of Truth Corn Assholes in the middle of a field as a sacrifice. I really didn’t have time to find out if my eyes were changing colors.”

He stared at me.

“What?”

“Your life is very strange.”

“Why do you say that like it’s my fault?”

“Can you feel the change? In your eyes.”

I started to shake my head but stopped. “Not… not like you think. It’s more—I just know the dragons are here. They know I’m here. We can feel each other.”

“You are an odd one, Sam of Wilds,” he said before continuing farther into the cave.

It was only minutes later that it became difficult to see. The light had faded, casting the area around us in shadows. I bumped into a large column of ice, cursing under my breath as pain blossomed in my knee. Randall stopped in front of me, and I could barely make out when he brought his hands to his face, cupping them over his mouth and nose. He whispered something into his palms, and a surge of magic beyond that of the dragons burst around us. A light flashed brightly in Randall’s palms, illuminating the cave around us. Randall opened his hands and the light rose, flapping like it had… wings.

“Is that a butterfly?” I said, unable to keep the wonder from my voice. The light flitted around us, leaving little trails of sparks that hissed when they landed upon the ice.

“It is,” Randall said. But he wouldn’t say anything more about it, no matter how much I prodded.

We followed the butterfly farther into the cave. The light crawled along the ice, making it look like the crystals were glowing. We were heading up a slight incline and the air was growing warmer. I could hear the soft drip of water sliding down the columns and walls. It was eerie, hearing it echo around us.

“How deep does this cave go?” I asked after what felt like forever. “It can’t be that big.”

“I suppose we’ll find out,” Randall said.

“Have you ever been here before?”

“Partly.”

“What the hell does that mean? How can you have partly been in a cave before?”

“When I came to Castle Freesias, I made an offering to the dragons here.”

“During your self-imposed exile,” I said without thinking. Then, “Uh. Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like—”

“You’re not wrong,” he said.

“Wow. That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. I feel tingly. That might also be hypothermia and frostbite, but I’ll take it. Why did you leave an offering?”

“So they’d know I wasn’t here to hurt them.”

“Because you were Randall of Dragons.”

He said nothing. Like a jerk.

“What did you leave them?”

“A gift.”

He was the most infuriating man alive. “When people are purposefully vague, it doesn’t make them enigmatic. It makes them assholes.”

“I wouldn’t know. People aren’t purposefully vague toward me.”

I had to remind myself that strangling Randall in a cave in the mountains wasn’t the best course of action. “If you don’t want to tell me, just say so. I won’t push.”

He snorted.

“Okay,” I said. “I won’t push too much.”

“It was a token of goodwill,” he said. “From a friend.”

“Who?”

He didn’t respond.

“Did they accept?” I asked, trying a different tack.

“They did.”

“Did you see them?”

“Briefly. They knew…. Well. They knew why I’d come to Castle Freesias. They understood wanting to be left alone.”

I hesitated at that. Kevin and Zero had both said something similar. “Have they been…. Have people tried to hurt them before?”

Randall sighed. “Sometimes humanity forgets how to be human. Dragons were the unfortunate victims of that.”

“I wouldn’t hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

The butterfly flared briefly.

Randall said, “I know.”

“But I’m going to have to. One day.”

“I know that too.”

“There isn’t—”

You say you wouldn’t hurt us

But we have heard false promises from your kind before

You think yourself different

You think yourself better

“No,” I said, trying not to stumble at the crushing pressure in my head. “I’m not better. I’m just… Sam.”

Sam

He is Sam

Wizard

He is like the others

But he walks with Randall

That means nothing

He is written in the stars

Stars can still shine after they die

Which means that stars can lie

“Sam,” Randall said, sounding urgent. “What’s happening?”

“Oh, just a debate as to my intentions,” I ground out. “You know how it is.”

“What are they saying to—”

The butterfly shot off ahead of us, wings flapping furiously. The sparks hissed as they fell to the ice. The butterfly rose upward, spinning in lazy spirals, light trails curling around each other. It went higher than I thought possible, and just as soon as I began to see the light reflecting on an impossibly high cave ceiling, the butterfly exploded in a bright, silent flash. The blast sent pieces of light throughout the room, the shock wave causing them to vibrate. They began to fall slowly back toward the ground, illuminating the room brighter than before.

Icy cliffs jutted out from the walls of the cave, large boulders and stones here and there. I thought I could see purposeful shapes in them, but recognition was just out of reach, wrapped in shadows. The shape of a horse and a man and a dragon, an egg, a tree, and a—

Wait.

Hold up.

A dragon.

I took a step back.

The lights flickered around us.

I laughed. It sounded forced. “It’s just a stone.”

“What was that?” Randall asked me.

I shook my head. “It’s just—”

The stone turned its head toward me.

“—a motherfucking dragon,” I finished weakly. “Um. So. Hey there, good buddy. How are you?”

And the dragon growled as it unfurled itself, lights falling around it, eyes glittering in the dark, catching the remains of Randall’s spell.

“Do you see that?” I whispered furiously to Randall.

“I see it,” he said, sounding calm.

“Good. Now. What was your plan?”

His head whipped toward me. “My plan?”

“Right. Good. Your plan.”

“Sam, you’re the one who said—”

“No need to point fingers. I don’t blame you for running in here half-cocked. Heh. Better than being full-cocked, wouldn’t you say?”

Wizard

The dragon wasn’t like Kevin or even Zero. From what I could make out, it was… smaller than Kevin but no less intimidating, especially since I’d followed Randall’s lead and had technically entered its lair uninvited. I took a step back, trying to make myself seem as unintimidating as possible. “We’re cool,” I said. “We’re so cool. I’m not here to do any harm. I just need your help to defeat a villain and save Verania. No big deal. It’s no big deal at all.”

“Why are you talking like that?” Randall whispered.

“Because I’m trying to be calm,” I hissed back. “I’m like a motherfucking dragon whisperer, okay? I totally know what I’m doing. Mostly. And besides, for all we know, maybe they’re stupid and don’t even—”

“Sam?”

“What?”

“There’s a dragon standing right behind you.”

“Har, har.” I glanced over my shoulder. “That’s not very—”

There was a dragon standing right behind me.

Okay, so maybe standing wasn’t exactly the right word as much as it was attached to the wall of the cave, long neck stretched toward me, blue eyes flashing, slitted nostrils flaring, teeth bared, tongue flicking out toward me as it rumbled low in its throat. Its great wings stretched out on either side of it, and I had a moment to appreciate the sheer beauty of what I was seeing, because Randall had been right. The wings were feathered. In fact, the whole dragon looked as if it was covered in feathers, and I had never seen anything like it before.

And then the reality of the situation set in as rocks shifted behind us.

I whirled around to see the second dragon rising from its perch on one of the jutted cliffs that stuck out over the room we were in. Its tail twitched as it hung off the edge, scraping along the ice. It narrowed its eyes as it growled, crouching down low on its front legs as it stared down at us.

So, to recap:

Two dragons, both of which had higher ground.

One was above the path that led back toward the cave entrance.

The other was on a cliff above us.

“Um,” I said. “Fuck. Randall. No offense. But you have terrible ideas.”

He started sputtering.

“No time for that,” I said. “I need to get us out of this mess you’ve gotten us into.”

“That I’ve gotten us—”

“Okay, here’s the plan. I’m going to try and talk our way out of this.”

“That is an awful plan. In case you can’t tell, they aren’t exactly happy see you.”

“Don’t you mean they’re not happy to see us?”

Randall stared at me blandly. “I’ve already given them an offering. They’re not going to be mad at me.”

I gaped at him.

He shrugged.

“Okay. I got this. I so got this. They’re just posturing. Zero did the same exact thing. They just need to be put in their place.”

Twin growls echoed around me.

“Okay, okay! You don’t need to be put in any place. Look. Let’s start over! My name is Sam of Wilds. And I am an adorable twink. You are lesbian dragons. With feathers. And really big teeth. Just let me love you.”

“I can’t believe the gods chose you,” Randall muttered. “Out of everyone.”

“Hey! I’m amazing. Just because you—”

The dragon on the wall roared. The room shook around us. The lights were hissing on the ice and going out. The cave was growing darker.

“Look!” I cried. “I’m not here to hurt you. Maybe the star dragon told you about me? That I’d be coming to ask for your help? That I would need—”

“Oh my goodness,” a distinctly female voice said from behind us. “He’s just dear. I want to wrap him up and keep him forever. Can we keep him? I would like to keep him.”

Randall and I turned slowly toward the voice.

The dragon sitting on the cliff was staring down at us, tail still twitching, eyes bright as it watched us. The claws on its front legs were curled over the edge of the cliff, razor-sharp, causing deep scratches in the ice. But its head was cocked, and it no longer looked like it was about to attack us. It was… curious.

“Um,” I said. “Hello?”

“Hello,” the dragon said.

And yeah. Still not something I was used to.

“No,” another female voice said from behind us, though this one was deeper, harsher. “We cannot keep him. He is a human. He is a weak and frail thing. Just look at him. He looks sickly. He smells bad too.”

“I do not smell bad,” I said, outraged. I whirled around. “I’ll have you know that I smell—eep!”

The dragon on the wall had craned its head toward us, and I could see it was entirely covered in feathers. The lights were almost completely out, but the feathers on its head and neck were the bright blue of a summer sky.

“You are supposed to be the great wizard?” it said, lips rippling over spiky teeth. “I know the man at your side, but you? You are nothing but a child.”

“Rude,” I said. “So I choose to take it as a compliment about how youthful I look. Thank you.”

“Oh my,” the dragon behind us said. “He makes me just want to die. I must keep him. Please, please let me.”

“He’s foul,” the wall dragon said. “I would not have him soiling our lair.”

“I just took a shower yesterday—”

“But,” the wall dragon said.

“Ohh,” the cliff dragon said. “I like it when you say but. Do it again.”

“But,” the wall dragon said.

“Ooh,” the cliff dragon said.

“What is even going on right now?” I asked.

“But,” the wall dragon said, “what if there was a way to make him smell better?”

“Do I really smell that bad?” I asked Randall. “I mean, you only have old-man soap at Castle Freeze Your Ass Off, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I don’t know why you can’t just get the soaps they sell at the City of Lockes. Those ones have cool names like Wolf Thorne and Manticore Madness. Those are man soaps.”

“What would make him smell better?” the cliff dragon breathed.

The wall dragon bared its teeth. “Fear.”

“I am sufficiently scared now,” I squeaked, taking a step back.

“Oh,” the cliff dragon said as it stood on all four legs. “That’s right. It makes the meat sweeter too.”

“I’m going to be honest,” I said as I reached for Randall. My hand curled into the front of his robes. “My meat is probably really sweet right now. Which is not something I ever expected to say to dragons in an ice cave, so yay! New experiences and all. Hey, Randall?”

“Sam.”

“I have a new idea.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”

The dragons hissed.

“It can’t be any worse than the last one.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Ready?”

“As I will ever be.”

“Okay. Here it is.”

The wall dragon’s leg muscles coiled like it was ready to pounce.

“Run.”

I jerked Randall by the robe as the wall dragon leaped at us. Its mouth was open wide, row after row of razor-sharp teeth flying toward us. Randall stumbled behind me, tripping me as he fell onto my back. I was knocked forward to my knees, sliding along the ice. My pack hit the ground and bounced away.

It was probably the only thing that saved us. As soon as we hit the ground, the dragon flew over us, jaw snapping, missing us by inches. The underbelly of the dragon wasn’t feathered but instead consisted of soft-looking white flesh. Its tail was long and had white and blue feathers across the top. The tip ended in a large plume that seemed iridescent in the failing light.

It roared in anger as it flew over us, and even before it got the chance to turn back around, I was pulling Randall to his feet and reaching down to grab my pack.

“I hope you’re into running,” I snapped at Randall, shoving him back toward the way we’d come. “Because we really need to do a lot of it right now.”

And apparently he was, because he took off more quickly than I would have expected. I glanced back over my shoulder again to see the wall dragon’s wings spread wide, feathers rippling as it slowed and twisted back around toward us. The cliff dragon’s wings were spread too as it prepared to take flight.

“You leave my sweetmeats alone!” I shouted back at them before I took off after Randall. It was not an exit line I was proud of.

The dragons roared behind us, and I heard the flapping of wings.

I didn’t look back.

Randall was waiting for me at the entrance to the dragons’ lair, eyes wide as he saw whatever the dragons were doing behind me. I figured that since I’d never seen that look on his face before, it probably wasn’t a good thing. I ran past him, intent on pulling him along with me, but he knocked my hands away before I could curl my fists into his robes.

“What are you—” I started.

But his hands were twitching at his sides, and I felt the rush of magic around me, like it was getting sucked out of the air. Sometimes I forgot just how powerful Randall could be, and it was reminders like this that showed he was not a man to be trifled with.

The ice cracked beneath our feet, the floor shaking. The dragons were hurtling toward us, wings folded against their sides. They were almost to us, and I—

The ice rose from the ground, great columns that shot up toward the ceiling. One of the dragons snarled angrily before the entrance to the lair was covered in a wall of thick ice. The shadows of the dragons slid along the ice as their wings snapped open, stopping them from smashing into the wall.

“Holy shit,” I breathed. “That was awesome.”

Randall rolled his eyes. “I can do magic, Sam. Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I don’t know how to kick some ass.”

“Dude,” I said. “I am telling everyone you just said kick some ass. That’s just fucking gnarly. Old people rock.”

He mumbled something threatening toward my person, but I saw right through it.

But before I could call him on it, there came a faint orange glow from the other side of the wall. It was quickly joined by a second one, and it refracted against the ice wall beautifully, like ripples along the surface of a lake.

“What is that?” I asked, raising my hand to touch the ice. “It looks almost like… like—”

Randall’s eyes were wide. “Like fire.”

“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.

The orange lights erupted. Great plumes of fire smashed into the ice wall, and it cracked down the middle. I could feel the heat of the flames through the wall and watched in horror as a lick of fire curled through the crack. The ice began to split even more, and Randall grabbed my hand, jerking me toward the cave entrance.

The heat at our backs grew exponentially as we ran. I looked back over my shoulder in time to see the ice wall shatter, steam rising as fire shot through, melting the chunks of ice that tumbled to the ground. The dragons both tried to fit through the small opening at the same time, but the remains of the wall held, though it creaked dangerously. Two sets of claws reached out, scraping along the ice, scrabbling for purchase.

I ran, following Randall, his robes flowing with every step he took. He was light and quick, and I almost had a hard time keeping up, my feet sliding along the ice, the weight of my pack throwing me off-balance. I gave brief thought to tossing it aside, but Ryan’s letter was rolled up safely inside, and I couldn’t bear to part with it. I shouldn’t have brought it to begin with, but I hadn’t known how long I was going to be gone for. If I tossed it now, the dragons might destroy it. I couldn’t have that.

The fact that these dragons were assholes shouldn’t have surprised me.

They were testing me.

Just like Zero had.

Just like Kevin had.

The fact that neither Zero nor Kevin had exactly known they were testing me didn’t matter. Zero was a child. He’d said he thought we were playing. Kevin was just… Kevin. He was a douchebag who had wanted to hoard pretty things.

These two, though.

They knew what they were doing.

Maybe they did want to eat me.

Maybe they didn’t give two shits about a destiny of dragons.

Maybe they didn’t care what the star dragon said.

And that made me run even faster.

From behind me, in the distance, I heard the remains of the ice wall crumble.

The dragons roared, louder than they’d been before.

WIZARD

WE ARE COMING, WIZARD

WE FEEL YOU

WE SEE YOU

WE TASTE YOU

“Go fuck yourselves!” I screamed back.

They laughed in my head, grating and harsh.

The path in the cave twisted sharply ahead, and I couldn’t slow in time. My feet slid along the ice, and I crashed into the wall, bouncing off it with a jarring impact. Something in my shoulder snapped wetly, and I cried out as the pain rolled through me. My stomach lurched as my vision grayed.

“We must hurry,” a voice said in my ear, hands coming to my good arm.

“Shit,” I muttered. “Fucking hurt my shoulder.”

“I know. It might be dislocated. Fight through it. We have to go. Now.”

And with no other choice, I followed him.

There was a faint light ahead of us after we rounded the curve. The air was getting colder, and I inhaled deeply, the bite of it clearing my head. I held my arm against my chest, my shoulder on fire. All that mattered was getting to the light. I focused on that and Randall beside me. I told myself that Ryan would kick my ass if I died in this cave, that Gary and Tiggy would desecrate my grave in anger, that Kevin would deliver a sexually charged eulogy about his stepson who had died before he could fuck him. Since all that sounded terrible, I ran as fast as I was able, suddenly very, very tired of dragons and destinies. If I survived this, if I lived through everything that was to come, I was going to give the star dragon a piece of my mind the next time I saw him.

Dragons sucked. I couldn’t believe I used to be so enchanted by them.

Fuck them. Fuck them all.

The two behind us were pulling their way through the cave, if the sound of claws on ice gave any indication. Snow began to swirl around us, carried into the cave by a brisk wind. I could see the plateau ahead of us, and I—

The only warning I had was the whisper of wings before claws curled into my pack, lifting me off the ground. I cried out as the strap dug into my right shoulder, the flare of pain bursting across my body. My feet left the ground, and only a second later, we burst onto the plateau, the snow falling heavier than it’d been when we’d gone into the cave. It stung my cheeks as I struggled against the straps, trying to get myself loose.

My injured shoulder slid free, the pain making me dizzy and nauseous as my arm flopped uselessly at my side. I started to fall, and I reached up with my good arm and snagged the bottom of the pack, holding on as the dragon flew low across the plateau. I couldn’t see what was happening with Randall and the other dragon, but I didn’t have time to think about that now. I had to believe that he was fine, that they wouldn’t hurt him.

But they apparently had no problems trying to hurt me, as the dragon flew toward the edge of the plateau, where the small footpath wound up the side of the mountain on a sheer rock face.

I really, really didn’t want to fall to my death.

But I really, really didn’t want to let it take my pack either.

Magic didn’t affect dragons. Not like it did most other creatures. Their blood was magic, and it acted as a counter to almost anything one could throw at it.

But Kevin had been hurt, hadn’t he? That ragged hole in the wing had shown that. Maybe it’d been a lucky shot. Maybe he had already been weakened in that exact spot.

Or maybe dragon wings were the thinnest part of the dragon, skin stretched out until it was almost translucent, the membranes thin.

I didn’t want to hurt it.

But apparently being an adorable twink wasn’t enough for these lesbians.

Which. You know.

Rude.

The ground rose beneath me, cresting on a small incline as the dragon flew toward the edge of the plateau.

Now or never.

There was green. And there was gold.

It felt good.

It felt like home.

The air around me felt ozone sharp, like a storm was approaching.

The scars on my chest burned.

But before I could call the lightning out to do something that would look totally cool and make Randall say, “Gosh, Sam, you are the best wizard I’ve ever seen,” the dragon curled its head down until it was right in front of me, staring at me upside down while it flew forward. I could feel the heat from its nostrils on my legs.

“What are you doing?” it (she) asked me, the feathers around her head snapping back and forth.

I improvised. “You have something in your eye.” Then I used my legs to rock my body back before swinging forward and kicking the dragon right in her bright blue eye.

“Ow!” she shrieked, and her grip slipped. The pack slid from her claws, and I held on to it as I fell toward the ground. I twisted my body to avoid landing on my bad shoulder. I had a bit of luck on my side, as I landed on a snowdrift that wasn’t hiding a jagged rock that would have broken my fall (and my back). I hit the snow and slid through it, losing my pack in the process.

“Why would you do that?” the dragon shouted at me as she flew up above me, flapping her wings and rubbing her eye. “That was completely uncalled for!”

I pushed myself up from the snow, grinding my teeth against the pain in my shoulder. My pack had broken open, strewing the contents along a small section of the plateau. I heard the crunching of snow and saw Randall running toward me, the other dragon chasing after him. But instead of descending upon him, it went for its mate. It was the smaller of the two. I thought it was the cliff dragon, and the one that had carried me out had been the wall dragon.

They were remarkably similar in their coloring. Their underbellies and sides were white and feather-free, soft and smooth. They had crowns of feathers. The bigger dragon’s crown was a deep blue, the feathers long and thin. The smaller dragon’s crown was mostly white, the tips looking as if they had been dipped in blue ink. Their wingspan was large, and instead of membranes like Kevin and Zero, they were completely covered in feathers. But these feathers looked stiff and unyielding, almost like they were hardened. A row of sky-colored feathers ran down each of their backs, ending at the enormous plumage on their tails.

They were amazingly beautiful creatures.

Who were also trying to kill us.

Maybe.

“What did he do?” the cliff dragon demanded as it hovered near its (her) mate. “Why are you rubbing your eye like that?”

“He kicked me!” the wall dragon snarled. “With his foot.”

“Oh my,” the cliff dragon said. “Are you blind now?”

“No, I’m not blind.”

“Oh. Then why are you making such a big deal out of this? His foot is tiny.”

“Hey! My feet are normal size! In fact, they might even be bigger than normal. Everyone says so!”

“Maybe not try and instigate,” Randall muttered as he knelt beside me. “You’ll only make things worse.”

“I have big feet,” I told him, just in case he was wondering.

“It doesn’t matter if it was little or not,” the wall dragon said. “It still went into my eye. Do you know what that feels like?”

“Yes, yes,” the cliff dragon said. “It hurts. Who knew that my big, wonderful huntress could be brought down by the foot of a wizard. Certainly a story for the ages.”

“You’re not funny,” the wall dragon said, growling just a little as she continued to rub her eye. “And it was just a lucky shot.”

“Excuse you, lucky shot,” I snapped as Randall helped me to my feet. “You wanna put your face down here again and see what happens? You’ve still got another eye I can take care of for you.”

“My word,” the cliff dragon said, staring down at me. “You certainly are a violent little creature, aren’t you?”

“Damn right! I’m hard-core! Come at me, lady-bro!”

“Six hundred years of life for this,” Randall sighed.

“Well,” the cliff dragon said to her mate. “As soon as you’ve sufficiently recovered from what I am assuming is a life-changing injury, perhaps we can continue on with the plan?”

“Life-changing,” the wall dragon snapped. “Nice. Please, continue to mock me when I could have possibly been blinded. It’s not my fault he’s a wily little bastard.”

“I’m wily,” I whispered to Randall. “That means hard-core.”

“That’s not even remotely close to what it means,” Randall said. “Now if you don’t mind, maybe we can stop chatting and get out of here?”

“Oh, you can’t leave!” the cliff dragon said. “We have a plan.”

“I’m changing the plan,” the wall dragon said. “I feel like I should be able to take his foot as recompense for his trespasses against me.”

“That certainly seems fair,” the cliff dragon said. She looked down at me. “Be a dear, would you? Let her have your foot. It’d make things easier.”

“No, thank you,” I said. “In case you couldn’t tell, I’m kind of attached to it.” Then I snorted and elbowed Randall. “Get it? I’m attached to—”

A gust of wind blew around our feet. Off to my right, I heard the sound of something flapping, like clothing or the pack or—

I looked over to my belongings.

A square wooden object lay propped in the snow.

Atop it, white fabric snapped back and forth in the wind.

A sail.

“Holy shit,” I breathed. “I just had the best idea ever. Or the worst. Maybe both at the same time.”

The cliff dragon continued to fuss over the wall dragon above us. I began to edge my way over to the pack. “Come on,” I hissed at Randall. “I know what to do.”

He moved slowly, never taking his eyes off the dragons. “You said the same thing before we came here, and look where we are now.”

I ignored him, bending down slowly to start shoving my possessions back into the pack. Ryan’s letter and his autograph from long ago were still tucked inside. I sighed in relief at the sight of them. I’d been sure they’d been lost in the snow.

Randall helped me gather everything up, and when he reached for the wooden device, I shook my head once.

He frowned at me, looking back down at it.

As of now, it looked like nothing, just a folded piece of wood with fabric draped over the top of it. But I knew what it was.

A sand sailboard belonging to the Wolf of Bari Lavuta.

Ruv, my wannabe cornerstone.

A gift, though I didn’t understand why.

I thought it precious, but he’d slipped it into my pack before we’d left Mashallaha.

Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

And if this worked, if we lived through the crazy that was going through my head, I’d have to thank him one day.

“When I say, you need to run toward the cliff edge,” I said in a low voice to Randall. “You stay behind me. Get my bag. Leave the other thing to me. And when we get to the edge, you jump when I say jump.”

Randall stared at me with wide eyes. “You want me to what?”

“I’m serious.”

“I know. That’s why I think you’re out of your mind.”

“Randall,” I growled. “Do you trust me?”

He opened his mouth, closed it. Then again. He sighed. “Gods help me, but yes. I do.”

That shouldn’t have made me as happy as it did. But for some reason, knowing that the man whose nose I’d once turned into a penis trusted me made me want to crow just a little bit.

I’d have to save that for later.

I looked back up at the dragons. The cliff dragon had the wall dragon’s face in her claws, cooing softly at her, telling her that she was the biggest and the bravest and the strongest huntress that had ever existed.

“Aww,” I said. Then, “Run.”

Randall ran, hoisting my pack onto his back. I was at his side, and the dragons roared behind us as we moved. Without slowing, I reached down with my good arm and scooped up the sand sailboard. It was heavy, the pieces of it clacking together as I clutched it under my arm.

There was a small lever on the side, and I prayed to the gods that it was all I needed to know about how to open it up. I should have paid more attention to it, or at least tried to fiddle with it while we were in Meridian City or in Castle Freesias, but I hadn’t even thought about it, sure it was just a way that Ruv was trying to get in my good graces.

“I hope you know what you’re doing!” Randall shouted at me, his beard trailing over his shoulder behind us.

“Me too! Er, I mean, I totally do!”

“What? I don’t know who you think you are—”

Somehow, even as dragons chased after us on a snowy mountaintop far from home, even as we were most certainly running toward our inevitable doom, I managed to grin rakishly at Randall. “I’m Sam of Wilds.”

And then I curled my arm across my chest before swinging it out in a flat arc, thumb pushing down the lever before I hurled the device as hard as I could.

The sand sailboard snapped open, the wooden slats locking together, the board hitting the ground as the sail itself climbed the thin pole that rose up. It slid forward right up to the edge of the cliff and began to tip, and no, no, no, we weren’t close enough, it was going to go over without us and we would be trapped. I thought green and gold (not specifically but abstractly, like the idea of what they could be), and even though the ancient words weren’t there, the intent of them was, and a rock broke through the surface of the snow on the edge of the cliff, hit the bottom of the board, and knocked it back away from the cliff.

“Oh hell,” I heard Randall pant next to me. “You can’t be serious about this!”

I winked at him, even though my skin was clammy and I felt like vomiting. Undoubtedly, this was probably going to be the stupidest thing I’d ever done, and if we survived, Randall was most likely going to kill me.

But then I felt the heat of the dragons behind me, and I knew we had no other choice.

Besides. If the gods were certain I would be the one to face Myrin in some ridiculous final showdown with monologuing, sass, and probably a lot of my clothes billowing awesomely, then they would make sure I survived.

Right before we reached the sand sailboard, I shot a glance back over my shoulder and—

They were right there, maws open, fangs glistening, an orange glow bursting from the backs of their throats—

It happened like this:

I grabbed Randall’s hand.

I jumped the remaining distance.

My feet hit the board, a jarring impact that caused me to overcorrect.

I felt it slipping out from under me and—

Randall landed behind me, knocking me forward with the momentum of the sand sailboard.

A sharp wind hit the sail, causing it to bow outward as it filled, the ends flapping.

The front end of the board slid over the edge of the cliff.

There was a moment, a singular, breathtaking moment, when the board tilted forward, then backward, then forward, and I couldn’t even see the bottom of the mountain, given that it was hidden in the clouds. All I saw was the steep decline, dotted with trees and rocks and snow, snow, snow.

Randall breathed in my ear, “Just so you know, I hate you so much for what’s about to happen.”

My throat was dry, my eyes were bulging from my head, and I said, “Yeah, I pretty much hate myself right about now. No worries.”

The dragons reached for us and—

We tipped over the edge of the cliff.

Randall slammed into my back, pressing me against the mast as we began to descend, the board sliding over the top of the snow. The wind roared around us as we picked up a preposterous amount of speed. I might have screamed.

No. Check that.

I screamed.

The board bounced roughly underneath our feet, vibrating up through our legs. It jarred my injured shoulder, but I ignored the pain.

“They’re coming!” Randall shouted in my ear.

I looked up behind us in time to see both dragons crest the edge of the cliff, suspended briefly in air before they folded their wings at their sides and began to plummet toward us, smoke trailing from their nostrils.

WIZARD

WE SEE YOU

YOU CANNOT ESCAPE

I STILL THINK YOU’RE DEAR BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

“Motherfuckers!” I screamed back at them, seriously sick of their shit.

“Shoulder!” Randall cried.

Wow, Randall sure was thoughtful in the face of so much crazy. “Thank you for being concerned! But we can worry about my shoulder later, honestly, Randall, now is not the time—”

He grabbed my face and turned me forward. “Boulder,” he hissed in my ear.

Right before the line of clouds, there was, in fact, a rather large boulder that we were heading straight toward.

“Oh shit,” I said succinctly.

I tightened my grip on the mast and made sure my feet were flat against the board. I leaned to the right, pushing down with my feet while pivoting my hips. The board slid to the right, starting to turn sideways until Randall leaned with me. The back end corrected, and we shot past the boulder, missing it by what felt like a breath.

We hit the line of clouds, the air around us wet and cold. The snow sprayed onto my face, stinging my eyes. I squinted against it, trying to make sure the path ahead was clear.

We came upon a section of the path that curved up the side of the mountain. The impact was jarring, the board briefly sailing through empty air before it slammed back onto the ground.

The pole shook violently, and the vibrations rose through my arm, jerking my body back and forth. I almost bit my tongue clean through, trying to push back the waves of pain that rolled through my injured shoulder. I felt Randall behind me, reaching around my waist to hold on to the pole right under my hands, securing me in place.

“I never knew you cared so much!” I shouted, grinning back at him as he pressed close against me.

“Trust me, that couldn’t be further from the truth,” he growled back, eyes glinting.

And that’s when it all went to shit.

I had time to think that maybe, just maybe, the gods weren’t exactly on my side. I’d been through some shit, that was a given, but here we were, sliding down the side of a mountain on a flimsy wooden board, two gigantic feathered lesbian dragons chasing after us, the greatest wizard in the known world technically spooning me and snarling in my ear.

And before I could decide if maybe I needed to make some changes in order to avoid situations like this in the future, we burst through the other side of the clouds just in time to see that the section of the mountain we were headed toward sloped up into a ramp.

Because fuck. My. Life.

“This is going to suck so hard,” I whispered fervently. Then, “Hang on to something!”

“I am hanging on to something!” Randall screamed back at me.

“Oh! Right! Well! For what it’s worth, this has been pretty cool!”

“You and I most certainly have differing definitions of cool!”

I wasn’t going to argue with that, and not because I didn’t want to.

I just didn’t have time.

There was no way to avoid it. We wouldn’t be able to move in time.

I felt Randall’s magic building behind me, and we were going to motherfucking fly—

We hit the rocky slope.

The board creaked and groaned.

There was a moment when we hit the bottom of the slope, when we stopped moving down and started moving up, that my stomach dropped right to my feet, and my bowels gave very serious consideration at just letting go right then and there.

And then we sailed off the ramp into nothing.

I was not proud of the noise that came from me.

It was loud.

And high-pitched.

And sounded like a rather large animal was dying.

The dragons snarled in triumph behind us.

But then there was another dragon right in front of us, and I had time to say, “Oh fucking shit—” before great black wings opened, claws reaching and grabbing us out of midair, snapping the sail on the board, pole breaking in two.

And then Kevin roared.