Chapter Two

ONLY TWO DAYS HAD PASSED, and I was no closer to sorting this mess out than I was in Doctor Carrie’s office. My mind kept going to one thing: Dodger. Dodger, Dodger, Dodger. He was all I could think about. Flopping down onto a metal chair outside of a frozen yogurt shop, my mind was racing. Do I tell him? Do I not tell him? Do I give him the chance to have an opinion about this whole situation? Or do I just make the choice and handle the consequences afterwards? I took a massive spoonful of my cake batter yogurt with strawberries and shoved it in my mouth. It was cold, melting on my tongue and the liquid sliding to the back of my throat. Anything super solid didn’t seem to sit well with me. Popsicles and ice cream were the key to keeping the morning sickness mostly at bay. My hips were going to hate me, but I didn’t care. Anything to keep my face out of the fucking toilet. I’d pull in some extra cardio or something later. Who was I kidding, I don’t run. I put my hand up to shield my eyes. Jesus, who turned up the fucking brightness out here? For as bright was it was outside, the air was crisp, and we were well into the fall season.

Okay, I thought to myself, here was the deal—I am pro-choice. I’ve always thought the woman has a right to choose what would be best for her. However, depending on the situation, I also felt that the guy had a right to know and help with the decision. I mean, what if he wanted the baby and would want to raise him or her? It was only fair that the father had some sort of say even though the final decision was the woman’s. Now that this particular case involves me, and a giant six-foot-three man that I can’t seem to shake from my mind, all of that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

The scenarios I that could happen ranged anywhere from Dodger and I yelling and a massive fight ensuing—I’m talking World War III, someone isn’t coming out alive type of fight. He could also be in total denial. He might accuse me of sleeping with someone else, getting pregnant, and then pinning the baby daddy role on him. Which would also lead to someone dying by the end of the conversation if he accused me of such things. Or best case scenario, and one I couldn’t see happening, he would be happy about this. He’d be excited about fatherhood, and we could hash out the details of raising a child as the pregnancy progressed.

No matter what though, all of these options led me to the one that weighed heaviest on me. Do I just not tell him or anyone else and get rid of it? While my brain wanted to reject that idea from the get-go, I didn’t know how to raise a child. I still lived at home with my parents. Dodger and I weren’t even in a relationship. I was barely taking care of myself. I scooped another huge spoonful into my mouth and gulped it down, not allowing it to even melt.

I sucked in air and brought my hand to my head. “Ouch! Shit, shit, shit.”

Brain freeze. Slow down, Macie.

Just then a group of young teenage girls walked in front of me giggling and pointing at something on one of their phones. Probably that stupid Pokémon Go game. God, life was so much easier back then. I felt so melancholy and down on myself. Yogurt was the only thing giving me some ease. Busy mind and upset stomach. I looked down as if to see something budding there. I didn’t have a little bump, and I wasn’t feeling any flutters. I pushed my spoon into the soft dessert, and let my hand drop. Spreading my fingers, I gently placed my palm on my stomach. It was still as flat as it was three months ago before the wedding. Whatever was growing inside me was making no rush of showing itself.

Sitting back, I exhaled and closed my eyes. If was living on my own, and in a stable relationship, this would have been the happiest news. Why did I go fucking up my life like this over and over again? I certainly was no prude when it came to the physical side of dating, but I was always careful. Always. It was never a question that condoms were number one for me when having sex, while birth control was a close second. So what was it that fucked up that night for me? Why did I have the most epic screw up of screw ups?

Simple . . . it was Dodger.

Sure, I’d been safe with him when we first started dating almost two years ago, but as we grew into our relationship, we started skipping the condoms and we relied on my birth control. We were exclusive with each other. Both of us were clean. We had no reason to believe that anything would happen. I trusted him. That is, until we broke up.

The break up wasn’t mutual. Not in the least. I wanted it, Dodger didn’t. He asked me over and over again what my reasons were for walking away, and to be honest, I never gave him a solid one. I didn’t have any. Not one that made sense. The relationship was just too serious. It was going somewhere. It had the potential to be forever. Macie doesn’t do forever. I knew if I had stayed with him to much longer, Dodger would be talking about getting engaged. That was the natural progression of things, right? I wasn’t ready. The thought of forever terrified me. Being married terrified me. Buying a house terrified me. Having a baby terrified me. Every girl in the female population I’ve ever come across loved to talk about it, dreaming of their futures. I just wanted to be me. No attachments. Hell, I didn’t even want a dog, cat, or fish. I’d probably kill it.

This was stupid. I stood up, frustrated and needing to shake this bad mood. Only way to do that was to make a decision. I just needed to do it and stick to it. Time that I didn’t seem to have enough of was passing at a faster rate than I cared for, and I needed to simply make a choice and run with it. I knew what I needed to do, it just wasn’t going to be a pretty thing to witness.

I needed to find Dodger and speak to him. He ultimately had a right to know what was going on inside of my body, consequences be damned. I’d deal with whatever he wanted to say in the aftermath. Only half of this little human was me. Therefore, the choice was only half mine.

Resigned, I scooted the metal chair under the table, and threw away my empty yogurt cup. A chill ran up my spine. It wasn’t from the cold. I was finally taking steps toward something for the first time in weeks. I was going to see the one man that had gotten under my skin. I was going to look him in his baby blue eyes and say, “We screwed up, now what are we going to do about it?”

I knew I’d likely find him at the gym where he worked as a physical therapist. Climbing in my car, I started the engine and put the car in reverse. The Dugout was only a few miles from here. Certainly not far enough for me to change my mind and drive out of town. I’d get there, find him in the back room that was designated for his clients, and I’d speak to him in private. Everything was going to be okay. And maybe I’d be able to breathe again. At least this is what I was telling myself.

The few miles went quickly. Dodger’s car was parked in its usual spot, but it didn’t take long for me to put my car in park and see him standing in the front window. I couldn’t help the way my heart fluttered when I saw his handsome face. Dodger was tall with medium brown hair, and light blue eyes. His build was more lean, athletic, but still very muscular. He took extremely good care of himself. He had a rich deep voice, with a slight Georgia accent. All of these things made the girls flock to him. But what really melted those panties off the ladies was his signature smile. It was a smile that was so big you could see it from a distance. It was slightly crooked and gave him the advantage over me every time he flashed it. The bastard knew it too.

As quickly as my heart started its gallop, it came to an abrupt halt when I saw the bitch he was standing next too. Her name was Dana. She was the front desk attendant at the gym. Her job was greeting patrons, handing out towels, and answering the phone. But if you asked me, she was there to be a worthless waste of space. My first encounter with Dana was two years ago when Dodger had brought Keegan and me to workout. Much to Keegan’s dismay, Dodger was trying to prove to Keegan that she was better than she thought of herself. Just so happened that evening, Dana was sitting at the front desk, picking her nails, and looking like she had a tree branch shoved up her ass. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she saw me standing next to Dodger. Pure jealousy. That night she watched me like a hawk.

I’d learned a few things about Dana since meeting her. First and foremost, she was head over heels in love with Dodger Brooks. She’d do just about anything to dig her claws into him. I’d asked him several times during our time together if he’d ever been with her and he’d said no, never. He said she wasn’t his type. I could see that. Dana wasn’t very tall. She had blonde hair that was cut short, and one side was shaved. She kept the longer hair brushed over to the side, showing off a tattoo behind her ear. Dana actually had tattoos all over her body. From a colorful sleeve full of nautical themed markings, to a skull candy on her upper thigh. Dana was the epitome of edgy. Dodger never struck me as the type to be attracted to girls that painted themselves that way. Sure, I was loud and demanded that eyes be on me, but she did it in a different fashion.

Now it seemed the tables were turned. Sitting outside the gym like a stalker, I watched on as they interacted with one another. He’d speak to someone as they passed by, and she would as well. I scrutinized her every move. The way she leaned into him a little closer. Or how she’d bat her false lashes. When she’d laugh at something he’d say, she would lay her hand on top of his forearm. I gritted my teeth to clinch back my natural instinct to go in there and slam her face into the desk. She shouldn’t be touching him. In fact, no one should be. Fuck being jealous. I’d blame this on the pregnancy hormones if anyone asked. I felt like a crazy person sitting here. Thankfully, it was fairly dark out and if either one glanced outside, they wouldn’t see me.

“He’s not yours anymore, Macie.” Jesus, if anybody knew the emotions rolling through me. I felt like someone with multiple personality disorder. None of this made any sense to me. I shouldn’t want him. I let him go that night. He said he wanted me, and I let him walk right out that door of his parents’ pool house without a word. Yet, here I sit, not wanting anyone else to have him. Especially not “waste of space” Dana.

Sighing heavily, I resigned myself to the fact that any and all plans to go in and speak to Dodger went out the window. I had been ready to tell him everything, no matter the consequences, but I was nowhere near ready to deal with Dana on top of everything else today. Even if she didn’t say a word to me, just her fucking face was enough to make me lose my cool right now. I was tired. My shoulders drooped. Was this conversation ever going to happen? I couldn’t say if my courage or strength would be hanging around.

“Home I go,” I grumbled to myself.

Pausing for a few more seconds to watch, I eventually put the car in drive and headed out. This decision very well may be mine and mine alone.

It was decision time. I had no more hours on the clock. I thought about everything with every waking minute. How could I not. It consumed me. I felt like the entire weight of the world was on my shoulders. An angel, and a devil. Both sides screaming to pick them.

I didn’t like that it was, but I was the one that put myself in this predicament. Okay, I realize that it takes two to tango, but I knew better. I knew what it took to prevent any of this, and I was stupid living in the moment. I needed to be an adult about the choices that I made and start working on figuring out who I was, and what kind of life I wanted to live. Which ultimately, is where I’m sitting now. Several days, a few pints of ice cream, a few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, and one day called in sick later, my mind was made up.

I was keeping it. What it boiled down to was, I had a life inside of me. It had a heartbeat. It had little limbs. It was a part of me, and whether I wanted to admit it or not, it was a part of him as well. So inadvertently, I loved it already. This baby was going to turn my life upside down and I knew I was definitely prepared for that, but it was time to get ready. I had no choice. Ready or not, motherhood, here I come. I was so going to suck at this, but I didn’t care. I had to try.

The moment I made the final decision, I knew I needed to let someone know. Keeping a pregnancy secret was already hard. But not telling a soul by this point was more than I could take. The most supportive person I knew in this world was my best friend, and I knew Keegan would want to know. She would stand beside me and not judge me. I decided to text her.

Me: Hey u busy this evening

Keeg: I’m just stopping at store to get some things. What’s up

Me: Can u come over a little before? Something I need to talk about

Keeg: Everything ok

Me: Yeah. Explain when you’re here.

Keeg: K

I set my phone down on my bed next to me and exhaled. Okay, that was done. No backing out. I played chicken and lost the other day wanting to tell Dodger. I wasn’t going to do that tonight. I knew I’d feel a thousand times better confiding in someone so I might as well let it all out there.

I was standing in my parents’ kitchen pondering what I should do for the next hour until Keegan was here. I munched on some slices of pineapple, which oddly I couldn’t stand the smell of last week.

I wasn’t in the mood to watch television. I could definitely go for a nap, but that wasn’t because of the baby. I always felt like I needed to sleep. Heading in to the living room to wait, I plopped down on the oversized couch that I swear was the best napping couch on earth, and sleep dragged me under.

The doorbell rang, causing me to wake in a groggy state of confusion. Where in the hell was I? Oh shit, Keegan was here. Wiping my tired eyes, I slung my legs over the side and stood up. Walking to the door, I was mentally trying wake myself up and prepare for the conversation I was about to have. Please, God, let this go well.

Opening the door, a very bright eyed and bushy tailed Keegan stood with two cups of Starbucks in hand and a smile on her face. She was like a state of perfection, while I stood with my hair a huge mess, no make-up on, I was certain I had dark circles under my eyes.

“Well, hello, Sunshine. You just wake up?”

I grunted and took a cup out of her hand. Bringing it to my lips, I let the heat sting my tongue and the warmth coat my dry throat. “Oh, that’s good.”

Keegan took a step inside and reached up, picking up a lock of my dark brown hair. Her face was a mix of confusion and disgust. “Honey, when was the last time that you showered?”

“This morn—” I cut myself off. Actually, I needed to think about it. It wasn’t this morning, it was yesterday morning before I left for work. No wait. It was the day before that because I recall asking my mom to bring me a towel that I’d forgot in the hall closet. I scowled, looking at the cup. “Two days ago.”

She giggled. “I can tell. Since when are you this lax? I don’t think I’ve ever known you to not put hygiene above all else.”

She was right. My appearance was everything, but I’ve been so tired lately. Work was all I could handle these days. I went to the hospital, and came home and passed out, only to get up and do it all over again the next day. If I had a day off, I spent it in bed. Hey, it kept the morning sickness away.

Needing to change the subject, I turned and walked into the living room expecting her to follow. “Hush. I recall a few weeks ago you were quite the mess yourself.”

“That’s ‘cause I was trying to see if I could make my hair healthier by using dry shampoo and not washing it every day. This is dark circles under your eyes and baby birds living in your hair.” She plopped down on the couch, peering up at me with concern. “Something has been going on, now spill.”

“What makes you say something is going on?”

“Macie, your life is my life. We’ve been the same person for far too long for you to be questioning me, or you to be keeping secrets from me.”

She was right. I didn’t even know why I was pushing her when I was the one that asked her to come over. I wanted her to know. I sighed. “Okay, good you’re sitting down.” I followed suit.

She adjusted herself, crossing her legs, and sitting a little more proper.

“What I’m about to tell you is kind of a big deal, okay? I’m going to need you to not freak out on me.” I mumbled under my breath, “I’ve done enough freaking out to last a lifetime.”

“Mace, whatever it is, I’m here.”

The sincerity in her voice made me want to just spew it all. Let it all come out like word vomit until every last dirty detail had left my body. I couldn’t take this anymore. Taking a deep breath, and setting my coffee down on the coffee table, I looked Keegan in the eyes and did exactly that . . . in not so many words.

“I’m pregnant.”

There, I said it. Those two words were supposed to be like opening a dam of emotion. I had none of it. I fully expected a wave of gratification to come over me that I finally told someone, but it was as if the room went mute, and so did the feelings in my head. My brows lowered. I watched my best friend as she let the words saturate. She was visibly rolling them around in her head, trying them on, and realizing the words Macie and pregnant didn’t quite fit. Still, she stayed quiet.

“Keegan, did you hear me?”

She nodded. “I heard you.”

“Are you going to say anything?”

“Shhh, I’m thinking.” She waved her hand around in my face.

What the fuck? She’s thinking? What in the hell did she have to think about? Where were my condolences? Life as I knew it was over and she was the one that needed a fucking minute? No. With every millisecond that passed, I was getting mad.

“Okay, Keegan, I gotta say, this reaction is totally not what I expected.”

Her head shot around to me, blonde hair flying across her face. “What kind of reaction were you expecting?”

I didn’t know actually. I looked down at my fingers and began nervously picking my nails, which was why they looked so awful at the moment. “I don’t know. Anything but silence would be nice.”

“Macie.” She said my name in a soft, yet stern voice. I brought my eyes up to hers. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make this difficult on you by being quiet. I was just thinking is all.”

“It’s okay. I know it’s a lot.”

“Well, yeah . . . it’s a lot.” She smiled. “Kind of shocking actually. What happened?”

I titled my head at her. “Seriously Keegan? When a boy and a girl use the penis and vagina—”

She interrupted my sex talk. “Listen, smart ass, I know that much. I meant, how did this happen? Did the condom break?”

I swallowed hard. “Yeah, about that.”

Her eyes got huge. “Macie, for the love of all that’s holy, please tell me you used a condom.”

“Before you start judging, just know that one thing led to another. I was highly intoxicated, and so was he. We both just sorta decided to bypass the condom part.”

“Bypass. What does that even mean, bypass?”

I needed more coffee. I grabbed my cup and took a long hard swig. God, I could use a stiffer drink. “I mean, it wasn’t important at the time.”

“Jesus Christ, Mace! I don’t need to sit here and lecture you about all of the nasty things out there that you could have gotten. STD’s aren’t always easy to get rid of, let alone getting pregnant. Have you gotten tested? When did all of this happen?”

Okay, here came the tricky part that I thought she would have already asked about by now. The when would imply the who.

I coughed. “See that’s the thing, it was just a couple months ago. I’m sure if I had something to worry about besides being knocked up, I’d know by now.”

She shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. You need to go get tested. If you don’t want to do it at the hospital because you’re worried about people judging you, there’s always that little clinic downtown.”

“It’s not that at all.”

“Okay, then what is it?”

I shrugged, still unable to tell her who it was. I was honestly hoping she would have figured it out on her own. I didn’t want to announce Dodger’s name.

“It’s that I really don’t believe that there is a concern for me contracting anything.”

“There’s always a concern, Mace.”

“Not this time.”

Her face was etched with puzzlement. “Not this time. I don’t know what that means. Why are you being so lax about it?”

“Because I’m pretty sure he’s clean.”

Keegan rolled her eyes. “Yeah? Have you asked him?”

“No.”

“Then you don’t know.”

“I do know.”

She threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Macie, I’m trying to understand here, but you’re making no sense. If you’ve never asked, then you’re just assuming you know. Why would you want to risk that? Especially when you now have a baby growing?”

I felt exasperated. Other than just announcing who my baby daddy is, she wasn’t going to get it. “I know him. He’s clean. Can we leave it at that, please?”

Keegan tapped her fingers on her leg, not sure how to move forward with this conversation. “I just want to make sure you are safe and taking every precaution. I love you and if something happened to you, I would constantly kick myself for not making sure I did everything I could to help you.”

My insides softened. This was exactly why I adored her.

“Love you too. But I promise I’m okay.” I paused. “Well, as okay as I can be when I’m not puking my guts up and trying to figure out what food will taste about the same coming back out.”

She made a sour face. “Is the morning sickness that bad?”

“Yes!” I whined.

“Have you been to the doctor? I’m sure they will give you something for it.”

“I haven’t had my official first appointment just yet.” I looked down in shame. Not wanting to admit it to her, but needing Keegan to completely understand what I have been going through, I felt it was only right to let her know. “Up until a day ago, I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep it or not.”

I’m sure Keegan would have tried to hide her natural reaction, but I knew her too well, to know that she was holding her breath in shock.

She cleared her throat, like a little tick she had. “What made you decide to keep it?”

“I just don’t think I have it in me to do something like that . . . you know? I mean, I made the choice to have sex without the damn condom. Time to own to up it and be responsible.”

Keegan gave me a tender smile, as if I was a skittish kitten that would run if I was spoken to or touched.

“I’m proud of you, but you know it’s not that easy or simple. Have you thought about the time, energy, money, and just how long of a commitment it is? It’s forever, Mace.”

“I don’t need that kind of lecture, Keegan. I’m well aware of how much commitment a child is.” I felt tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. “And it’s going to be one hell of a learning curve.”

Keegan jumped from where she was sitting and came to me. Sitting down and wrapping her arms around me it felt like she was trying to hold me together. She kissed the top of my head and I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Yes, it will be. Holy shit, a baby.”

“A baby.” I repeated.

“Now what?” She almost laughed still holding on to me.

I shrugged.

“Do you know who you’re going to use to give you care?”

Nodding, I said, “Yeah, Dr. Carrie will be the best. He already told me to call his office and make an appointment.”

She didn’t acknowledge the fact that I made it sound like someone else knows about the pregnancy. But her next question was the one that I knew was coming and I didn’t want to answer.

“Have you told the father?”

Sniffling, I wiped my nose and shook my head. “No.”

She sat back completely, looking at me skeptically. “Are you going to tell him?”

I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that. Technically I had already tried, but he was too busy smiling and having a grand ol’ time with someone else. I scowled. “I’m sure it will come out at some point.”

“When? When your belly is protruding and you’re waddling around?”

“I’m not going to waddle.”

“You know what I mean.”

I sighed. “Yes, I do know. And yes, I’ll tell him. Just not now.”

“Who is it?” she asked, with genuine curiosity.

I almost laughed. “The question of the hour.”

“Macie.”

She said my name and I knew she wasn’t in the mood to goof around about it. “Do we really need to talk about it?”

“You avoiding telling me, is enough cause for concern.”

Boy, she had no idea just how right she was. “I’m just saying I’d like to not talk about it.”

She shook her head. Stubborn Keegan, was just as difficult to deal with as when I turn into a raging bitch. She wasn’t going to let it go.

“Who?”

Here goes.

“Dodger.” I said, quietly.

“I’m sorry what? I didn’t hear you.”

I glared at her. “You heard me just fine.”

“No, actually I didn’t.”

“I said, the father is fucking Dodger. Did you hear me that time?” I got up from the couch and paced. I felt like a buildup of anxiety was wracking my body, and I had nowhere to put it.

“Oh shit,” she said softly.

Shit was right.