Chapter Twenty-Four
Friday came too fast like a train barreling down the tracks that I could not stop.
We only had a couple more weeks until school started, so I had been filling up our days with as much activity as I could fit in.
And maybe I had been trying to avoid thinking about tonight.
Ben had been as much a part of our lives as usual, only now, when the kids were asleep in their beds, his touches would linger, his kisses would push boundaries and his intentions were made clear.
I had given him permission when I agreed to spend tonight and he had spent the last week building my anticipation and preparing me for what was to come.
But he had promised no sex and since I knew without a doubt that I wasn’t ready for sex, I bound his words against my nerves and tried to be brave.
“Good luck tonight,” Emma whispered when she showed up a few minutes before Ben.
“Nothing is going to happen,” I whispered back. She gave me a “yeah, right” look. “Seriously, Emma. Even if… even if I thought we were ready for that, I just can’t be intimate with someone else. It’s too weird.”
“Give me a break,” she sighed. “You deserve a night like tonight. Relax and have fun. Forget about the other stuff.”
“You’re a terrible sister. You’re supposed to support me, not Ben.”
“I do support you!” she hissed. “And I support the very clear reality that you need to get laid!”
Ben walked in the house without knocking, which was now his way, and we shut up.
“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing between Emma and me.
“Yep!” Emma practically shouted at him. “We’re just peachy.”
My body flushed from my toes to the top of my head. I tried to smile at Ben, but I had to look half-deranged.
Ben’s eyes darkened with concern. “Is this your bag, Liz?”
“It is,” I croaked.
“I’m going to take it outside. Come out when you’re ready?”
I nodded, anxious to have another moment to myself. The kids were happily eating dinner, but when they realized Ben was here, they chased him out the door to say hello. With a few moments to ourselves, Emma put her hands on my shoulders and got right in my face.
“You will survive this night,” she promised.
“I’m not sure that I will.”
“You will. Ben will be there to walk you through it.”
“Will you be disappointed in me if we don’t do anything more than sleep?”
She shook her head and let her blonde waves bounce around her chin. “Never,” she promised. “I just want you to be happy again… however that happens.”
I nodded, acknowledging that I had the best sister in the entire world. “You’ll call if there are problems?”
“Obviously.”
“If I text you code red, you’ll call and make up a problem?”
“Lizzy, I will set your house on fire if you need me to. Now go!”
“Okay, I’m going.” I paused in the doorway and turned back to her, “Em, no matter what I text, do not set the house on fire.”
She rolled her eyes and waved me off.
The three of us wrestled the kids back inside so I could give them each a kiss and a hug and then Ben set us off on our date… our date that was supposed to last us all night long.
“Where do you want to get dinner?”
I looked up at him, startled by his question. “Oh.”
His mischievous grin brought all kinds of fluttering feelings to life inside of me. “You did want to get dinner, didn’t you?”
“I-I, um, yes.”
He took my hand and swung me around to face him, pausing on the sidewalk between our two houses. “Or did you want to go straight to my place?” He dipped his head to place a slow kiss along my jaw, sending shivers racing down my back.
“Dinner is good,” I squeaked.
His dark chuckle did nothing to help prepare me for the night ahead. “We’re taking tonight at your pace, Liz. We can do whatever you want tonight. I promise not to ravish you before you’re ready.”
As if those words were going to calm me down. “I know.”
“You’re shaking,” he pointed out.
“I’m nervous.”
He pulled back so that I could stare into those fathomless dark eyes. He held my gaze, long enough for me to know that he was serious. “Do you trust me?”
I took a breath. “I do.”
“Then trust that I want you anyway you’ll let me have you. There’s nothing else to worry about tonight.”
Those words were all I needed. We climbed into his little car that was free of fast food wrappers on the floor and stickers stuck to the windows. He took me to one of my new favorite restaurants, one that he had introduced me to.
We had a fantastic meal and then took a long walk through downtown, admiring the summer night and holding hands.
Everything with Ben was new and thrilling. Sometimes my mind compared him to Grady without my permission, but for the most part, this man next to me was so very different than my first husband that I could keep thoughts of them separate.
When Grady held my hand, it was the feeling that had been with me for a decade. It was a love that had grown from a seedling into a mature, unbreakable bond.
With Ben, we had started at the beginning with something fragile and small, but what we had was never like what Grady and I had. Our feelings for each other didn’t start as a seed, they started as an ocean. I felt as though we were separated by miles of rocky, turbulent water that could drown both of us or either of us with the wrong step. And as we’d spent time together, as we’d opened up and shared in each other’s lives, that ocean had shrunk. The waters between us had grown smaller and less frightening. The distance between us had all but disappeared.
We had grown into something different… something profound, but I couldn’t put a name on it just yet. I couldn’t think of the right words to claim it.
At the edge of downtown, Ben leaned against a building and pulled me into the curve of his body. “Can I take you home now?”
I stared at his chest and breathed, “Yes.”
“Do you still trust me?” he asked, tilting my chin with one long finger to meet his depthless gaze.
I nodded, unable to speak through my fears.
We drove home in silence. Ben asked me if I trusted him and I did, without a doubt. But it wasn’t him that I had to worry about. It was me. Did I trust myself?
I didn’t trust myself to keep my hands off of him. And I didn’t trust myself to finish something if I were to start it. I was a mess of anxiety and lust, unable to separate the two from each other.
Ben pulled his car into the garage and opened my door for me. His garage was so empty compared to mine. He had one bike parked along the wall and a set of tools. There was a kayak hanging from the ceiling and some storage boxes piled on shelves. But he lacked the overflow that kids managed to accumulate with multiple bicycles and tricycles and balls and outdoor whatever. Normally I would have expected this from someone single like Ben, but it felt wrong on him. He had become such a huge part of our lives that I expected his garage to be filled with kid things too.
My footsteps seemed to echo through the empty expanse as I followed him into the house. His house, that had seemed so perfect for him a few months ago, now felt wrong and ill-fitting.
I set my purse down next to my bag that he had brought in and joined him in the kitchen for a glass of wine. The delicious red helped calm some of my frantic nerves and I tried to focus on him… on just being here with him in the quiet of his home.
“This is good,” I said to fill our silence.
“Is it weird that I brought you back to my house?” Ben asked, appearing pulled from deep thoughts. “I thought a hotel room might seem… presumptuous.”
“It’s not weird.”
“I want to know how you sleep,” he kept going, not seeming to hear my answer at all. “That is definitely weird. I know that.” I opened my mouth and then closed it without anything to say. It was a little weird. He pushed on with an explanation, “I just… I know so much about you. I know how you like your wine and how you like your food. I know what you look like when you’re angry at the world and angry at your children. I’ve watched you laugh and smile, cook a meal and fold a basket of clothes. I’ve seen you cry and I’ve seen you sit in silence, so lost in your thoughts that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. But I’ve never seen you sleep, Liz. It’s important to me to share this with you.”
“Okay.”
He set his wine on the counter and walked over to me. “I told myself that I would go easy on you tonight.” His cautious smile melted whatever defenses I still had raised. “I have wanted this for so long, but I’m having a hard time believing that it’s real. That you’re really here with me.”
I set my wine down so that I could press my hand to his heart. “I’m here, Ben. I’m with you.”
He laid his hand over my heart and held my gaze. His eyes said something that my heart refused to accept. I had a moment of panic where I knew I should run, but he started speaking before I could convince my body to move.
“Liz, I’ve fallen in love with you.” I said nothing. The silence rang around the room as I waited for more from him, a qualifier or an excuse or anything other than those words. He smiled patiently and his fingers brushed over my cheek and finally an explanation of sorts came, “I tried to fight this attraction for a long time. And then I thought I could be satisfied with just the little bit that you were comfortable giving to me. But, the more I get to know you, the deeper I fall. And it isn’t just you I’ve fallen in love with, but your family, your chaotic life. I cannot imagine my life without you and the kids in it. I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me. I know that Grady will always be there with you. But I wanted you to know how I feel. I don’t have anything holding me back, Liz. I fell for you because that was the only way for me to go… to feel.”
“Say it again,” I whispered, surprised by my strong reaction to his words. I expected to hate them if he ever said them to me. I expected to run from them as fast as I could, but they felt right. They felt like salve against my wounded soul, like glue to my shattered heart.
They felt like home.
“I love you.”
I didn’t say them back, but I couldn’t just stand there either. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down for a desperate kiss.
Our mouths crashed together with all of the depth and intensity wrapped up in those beautiful words. I held him tightly to me, letting him worship my mouth with the emotion I could now name. His hand blindly moved the glass of wine out of our way before he gripped my hips and tossed me on the counter.
I wrapped my legs around his waist as he stepped into me, letting me feel the strength and masculinity of his hips. His hands moved over my body with skilled seduction.
I was helpless against the blazing fire he built inside of me.
I felt dizzy with lust. My fingers shook as I worked the buttons on his oxford. He patiently let me unhook them all. My hands brushed over his bare chest, relishing the feel of his hard muscle and pounding heart. I peeled the shirt back from his shoulders and he worked the wrists loose until it was a pile on the floor.
His kisses moved down my neck and over my throat and chest. He kissed me through the thin material of my plum dress. I shivered when his hot mouth pressed against my nipple.
His fingers played with my zipper, teasing me with his desire and uncertainty.
“Yes,” I panted.
“Liz.” His breath hitched as he pulled the zipper down slowly, teasing me into blind passion.
I bunched my shoulders and the sleeveless dress fell past my wrists to pool at my waist. Ben gazed with hooded eyes at my body, my breasts hidden behind a lacy bra and my hips marked with pale stretch marks. He bent low to remove my heels, taking care to tug them off with slow, intoxicating touches. Then he placed his hands against my bare waist and helped me to the floor. My dress dropped to my feet and soon I stood there in nothing but underwear I’d ordered online just in case of this moment.
He took a step back and rubbed his fingers roughly along his jaw. “Beautiful,” he breathed.
And in that moment I didn’t feel like a used woman or a mother of four children. I didn’t feel mid-thirties with gravity working against every part of me.
I felt beautiful. He breathed that word into existence and there had never been a purer, more honest moment than right then.
I stepped out of my dress and ran my fingers over his stomach, settling them on the waist band of his jeans. I played with the button, shocked at my courage and at the undeniable need I felt for this man.
I watched my fingers move as I remembered how to unfasten a man’s pants. I pushed them down to his ankles and he stepped out of them in only boxer briefs. My eyes traveled the length of him, memorizing every inch of his body, every part of this incredible man that had changed my life so profoundly.
“Are you sure, Liz? I only want to do this if you’re sure.”
“I am,” I promised him. “I’m ready.”
He scooped me up into his arms and carried me to his bedroom. With a needy toss, he dropped me onto his massive bed. I had little time to take in his room, his king sized bed, a large TV mounted to the wall, soft, silky sheets.
His body covered mine and his mouth began to taste all of the skin he had never had access to before. The little bits of clothing we still had on disappeared and our hands began to explore places we had managed to avoid until now.
He asked me once more if I was ready for this and when I agreed, he pulled a condom from the bedside drawer and put it on. I marveled at his body while I waited, taking in the rippling muscle of his abs and chest, the powerful strength of his thighs, resting on his heels. I watched as he crawled back over me and tried to breathe through new fear.
He leaned forward and kissed my hip. I jerked, shaken by his touch, but he was not deterred. He kept kissing me, across my belly and over my breasts, up the line of my throat until he finally landed on my lips. There he took my mouth leisurely, seductively and when he pressed against my core, it felt only natural.
Ben pushed inside of me and I felt bursts of pleasure dance through me. We moved together, learning each other, knowing each other in a way that I had never thought to know another man.
He took his time, both desperate and relaxed, both lost and found. I let him carry me away. I let him erase all of my doubts and fears and grief and anything else that stood between us. I let him help me realize exactly how I felt for him, without anything else clouding my thoughts.
When it was over, he rolled next to me and gathered me in his arms. He held me there with a sweetness that moved me. For three minutes, I simply lay there, completely absorbed and abandoned to him.
His fingers rubbed a lazy path along my spine and the scruff of his chin tickled my forehead. Neither of us spoke. I couldn’t find adequate words to describe my feelings and I had no idea what Ben was thinking.
But then that started me thinking. And the more I thought the faster my mind spun. The haze of lust and fulfillment fell away and I was left only with the reality of what I had done.
I had just slept with another man.
I had sex with another man.
A man that was not Grady.
The sob hiccupped in my chest before I could stop it. The grief crashed around me again as I reeled from the consequences of my actions. I grasped for sanity and stable ground but I could not find any.
“Liz?” Ben sounded concerned and I couldn’t blame him.
I launched myself from the bed and raced for his en suite bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I heaved up all of my dinner and my regret.
I stayed there for endless minutes, crying hysterically as my body physically reacted to what I had just done and the commitment we had made.
Ben followed right after me and stayed there with me. His gentle fingers held back my hair and his soothing words helped ease the crippling pain of my betrayal.
After a long time, I collapsed onto the floor. He did not hesitate to pull me into his arms again and hold me against his chest.
I didn’t deserve his kindness or his understanding, but without it I was positive I would have broken into a thousand jagged pieces. I would have been truly broken, permanently shattered.
We sat there for so long that my arm fell asleep and I ran out of tears. Ben had put on his briefs before he came in after me and covered me with his robe that hung next to his shower.
His thoughtfulness opened up new wounds inside of me and when I finally spoke, my voice was filled with raw honesty.
I had come to terms with who I was now tonight. And I had also admitted the reality that Grady was gone forever. That he would never come back. And that in some ways, I had moved on.
But that I was not healed.
I had ruined something beautiful between Ben and me, something that should have been sacred and protected. I couldn’t help how I reacted or how I had behaved since then, but there was one simple thing I could do to salvage this night.
I could tell Ben the truth.
With my head against his chest and my fingers curled over his heart, I whispered, “Ben, I love you too.”
He held me tighter, crushing me against his warm body. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to say anything. I knew how he felt and now he knew, good or bad, how I felt.