Chapter Nineteen
I attacked Emma as soon as she walked in the door. “Oh, my god, he’s a psycho isn’t he? He has to be. That’s the only explanation!”
“Elizabeth Grace, what are you talking about?” My sister went white-faced at my panic attack. “Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” The kids swarmed her legs and demanded she pick them all up.
“Ben!” I shouted over them. “Ben is a psychopath! He has to be!”
“Wait. What?” She scooped Jace up into her arms and bugged her eyes out at me. “What are you talking about?”
“Emma, I have had four children! Four of them! Do you understand the state of my vagina? What kind of man goes out on a date with a woman that has four children?”
“Oh,” she sighed. “You’re just panicking.”
“Of course, I’m panicking! What else would I be doing?” I took a second to catch my breath. “What have I done? I cannot go out with him. He’s got to have like a… a… fetish or something. Or maybe he’s not a lawyer at all. Maybe he’s a conman trying to steal all of Grady’s life insurance money. Or maybe-”
Emma cut me off, “I’m going to stop you right there. First, you know he’s a lawyer. And you know he’s not a liar. Well, or really mostly not a liar, because you know, it’s iffy when you’re a lawyer and… Anyway, I’ve been to his office! I can vouch for him. And he doesn’t really seem like the type to have a fetish. But hey, if he does, just go with it. It could be fun!”
“Emma!”
“Elizabeth, it’s one date. You can never talk to him again after this if you want. Or you can go back to being friends. Really, how is this any different than one of your wine nights? He comes over for dinner all the time. Just think of this like you two hanging out casually. He’ll bring you back home before you turn into a pumpkin and you’ll go to sleep in separate beds. This is no big deal.”
Emma’s words calmed me considerably. I took a slow breath and picked up Lucy to cuddle. Cuddling always gave me comfort.
“This is a date?” Blake asked with one eyebrow raised.
Shit. “No,” I said at the same time Emma said, “Yes.” I gave her another frightened look. “Don’t lie to them, Liz! Be honest.”
My sister, the grad school counselor.
But she was right. I didn’t want to lie to Blake or Abby. And I really didn’t want to have to come back later and explain myself.
“Emma’s right, Blake. This is a date. Ben asked me to go to dinner with him and I said yes.”
He absorbed the information and then with maturity I didn’t know he had in him, he said, “Cool.” I stared at his bouncing head as he moved back into the living room to pick up his game controller.
My gaze swung to Emma. “See?” she said. “I told you.”
“Mommy?” Abby asked and her face revealed more of the reaction I had expected.
I sunk to my knees in front of her, ignoring the cold press of the wood floor against my bare legs. “It’s just dinner, Abs. Ben asked mommy to go with him alone. He, um, he wants to spend time with me. Is that okay?”
“I like Ben,” she mumbled. “But…”
I found myself using Emma’s words on my daughter. “It’s just dinner, Sweetheart. If I come home and you don’t want me to do this again, I won’t. Okay?” That was probably the worst parenting ever, but I couldn’t help myself. I wouldn’t put my kids through another traumatic experience because I was too selfish to ignore my volatile feelings.
“You’re coming back tonight?”
I shivered at her question. “Yes, I’ll be home in a few hours. Promise.”
She threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. “K!”
I stood up and faced my sister again. “Do I look okay?”
“You look smokin’, sweet cheeks.” When I rolled my eyes, she gave my shoulder a little shove. “You’re gorgeous, I swear it. But how long are you going to make it in those heels? When’s the last time you even wore heels?”
I looked down at what were once my favorite pair of black peep-toe stilettos and frowned. “The funeral.”
“Well, don’t think about that now!” Emma cried.
“You’re the one that asked!”
“Liz, look at me.” I did. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me hard, wrinkling the silk of my black lacy cocktail dress. “Ben is the best thing that ever happened to you.” She winced, “After Grady. Do not mess this up.”
“I’ve already messed it up, at least a hundred times. I have no idea why he thinks this is a good idea. I’m not even sure why I said yes! I should call him and cancel right now. I should-”
The doorbell rang.
He was here.
Son of a bitch.
“Emma, I can’t do this.”
Her expression softened and she whispered, “Yes, you can. You can because you want to do this, because you’ll regret not doing this. You care about him, Elizabeth.”
“It doesn’t matter, Em. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. This can’t go anywhere.”
“Just worry about tonight. Then decide about the rest tomorrow.”
“You’re going to make a great shrink one day.” Heat rushed my eyes, I was near tears.
Emma fanned at her face. “Elizabeth!”
“I can see you both standing there!” Ben called through the door.
That dissolved our emotional moment. Emma rushed over to the door and yanked it open. I had a half second to take a steadying breath before Ben stepped into the house and knocked the breath out of me.
The low evening light burned behind him, setting off his dark hair and darker eyes. He stood in the doorframe wearing gray dress pants with a matching gray vest, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black tie. He had his fancy watch on and his hair had been styled away from his face.
He looked… incredible.
I felt lost looking at him, completely out of my depth and so far beyond casual feelings for him that I couldn’t breathe right.
And yet when his eyes stopped traveling over my body to finally meet my gaze, I felt found. His heated stare held so much affection but I managed to take courageous breaths and clear my mind of the sharpened panic that had sent me into a tailspin.
I managed to put all of my grief, heartache and craziness aside for this moment and focus only on him and how he made me feel.
“Liz,” Ben breathed. “I’m not going to be able to stop looking at you.”
I blushed fiercely from his compliment. I had never been admired so openly by anyone other than Grady. I didn’t know how to react or even accept the praise.
“Thank you,” I barely whispered.
The kids attacked Ben, asking him where we were going and when we would back. Blake wanted to show Ben his game and the girls wanted to play with him. He looked up at me for help, smiling affectionately at the hooligans latched to his legs.
“Can I come over tomorrow to see the game?” he asked Blake. “I promised to take your mom to dinner and I don’t think I can keep her waiting much longer.”
“Why not?” Blake asked like it didn’t matter if I had to wait or not. Such a typical response from my oldest.
“Look at her, Blake.” And that was all he said. Blake had no idea what he was talking about. Ben closed the distance between us and reached for my hand. “Are you okay?” he asked gently.
I nodded. How could I be anything but okay with this man? “Yes.”
“Ready to go?” I nodded again. “Then kiss your kids and let’s get out of here.”
I did exactly as he said. I gave all of the children big hugs and kisses one at a time. They hugged me back but let me go, excited about their night with Emma.
I let him lead me to his car. He helped me into the passenger’s seat and then took his place in the driver’s. He had already told me that he planned to take me to dinner, so I had known what to expect.
“We won’t be out late tonight,” he said once we were driving through town.
“Okay.” I tried not to sound too disappointed.
His hand reached over and squeezed mine. “I want to ease you into this. I don’t want to scare you away.”
Something tingled down my spine. I couldn’t put a name to the feeling. There were too many mixing together for one to stand out. Fear? Maybe. Irritation? Possibly.
Anticipation? Definitely.
“You sound pretty confident. How do you know you haven’t already scared me away?”
He pulled up to a red light and turned to give me a very serious, very heated look. “It’s okay to be a little bit scared, Liz. We’re just getting started.”
I nearly snapped my neck turning to look out the window. “You’re so full of yourself,” I croaked.
His chuckle filled the car and wrapped around my skin. Oh, boy. I took a deep breath and let myself stay present in the moment.
If I thought about this too much I would fall apart.
But here, in this moment with Ben, I felt more alive than I had in a very long time.
He pulled up to one of the nicest restaurants in town and handed his keys to the valet. We let the waitress lead us to our table. When we were seated we glanced over the menu quietly.
Nerves jumped around inside of my body. I had only ever really dated one man in my life. There had been guys in high school, but it had never been like this.
And when Grady and I had started dating we were so young. God, it felt like a lifetime ago.
So now, on this date, with this older man, I had no idea what to do or say or think. I felt the tension start to creep back in and my muscles lock up. My breathing stopped functioning properly. I was a mess.
I tried to hide behind my menu, staring at it but not seeing a damn thing. His fingers appeared on the top of it and pushed it down so he could see me again.
“Liz,” he said in a deep rumble. “It’s just me. Nothing has changed.”
“Okay,” I squeaked.
He took my hand again and rubbed his thumb over my palm. “It’s wine night, alright? It’s just you and me and a bottle of wine. We’re just talking. You’re just being you and I’m just being me and we’re just going to have a conversation that will make us both smile. It’s going to be the best part of my day, just like all of our other ones. And I’m really hoping it’s going to rank up there on yours. Maybe? Right after the kids?” He closed one of his eyes, scrunched up his face and gave me an adorably hopeful expression.
“Maybe,” I agreed on a shaky laugh.
His face relaxed and he broke into a grin. “I like you, Liz. I’ve liked you for almost as long as I’ve known you. And every time I spend time with you, I just like you more. You’re an incredible woman that I can’t imagine not seeing every day, listening to your stories, listening to you laugh… listening to the bad things and the good things. I know this freaks you out. And it should probably freak me out too. But it doesn’t. It feels right. You and I feel right. So stay with me for just tonight. I promise to return you home in one piece, both inside and out. Can I have this? Just tonight?”
“Yes.” The word left my lips in a confession of feeling. Yes, he could have this night. Yes, we did feel right. And it did freak me out, but I couldn’t make it stop.
A soft smile played on his lips, “Will you tell me about your day?”
I looked into his dark eyes and felt myself center again. I felt tethered to something again. “My day? Oh, it was so boring. It started off with Jace dumping a whole box of Fruit Loops onto the table and then moved on to getting a call from the cable company. Apparently I’ve forgotten to pay them the last two months and then it ended with Lucy getting Cheeto prints all over the first dress I tried on tonight.”
“Well, at least that’s something to be thankful for.”
“Why is that?”
“Thanks to Lucy, I get to see you in this. I don’t know what the other dress looked like, but I am pretty happy with this one.”
I resisted the urge to throw my napkin at him. “The other one was super slutty. Boobs everywhere.” I waved a hand in front of my minimal cleavage to demonstrate.
His eyes darkened as he smiled at my joke. “Now you’re being cruel.”
“I thought this was a regular wine night. I’m just trying to stay in character.”
He stared at me intently for a long moment before saying, “I’m glad you said yes.” He let that settle over me while he flagged down the waitress to bring us some wine.
We spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking over good food and great wine. Ben was right; there was no difference between here and at home. I enjoyed him as much as I always did.
I was surprised when he pulled into my driveway and I didn’t want the night to end. I had imagined racing from his car, barricading myself in my house and avoiding him for the next four months.
But he had made this night amazing and so casual that I hardly noticed it was anything more than one of our usual nights in my kitchen.
It wasn’t until he walked me to the door that I truly remembered that this was a date. At the restaurant there had been a table separating us. And even though he would put his hand on my back when we walked to or from the car, he always did that so it wasn’t anything new.
On my porch, he lingered.
This was new.
And my nerves noticed it immediately.
I looked up at him, trying to decide what to do and how to end the night. “Thank you, Ben. I had a lovely evening.”
“I’m glad,” he murmured and stealthily took a step forward. “I had a nice time too.”
“The food was great.”
He ignored my trite comment. “You’ll do this again with me?”
I forced myself to hold his steady gaze. “Ben, I don’t-”
He had no patience for my refusal. One of his hands wrapped around my hip and jerked me against his hard body. His mouth descended on mine before I had a chance to panic.
His rough, demanding intensity pulsed around me, but his mouth moved sweetly, gently, as if he were savoring every single second of this.
Soft lips against soft lips, his tongue swept out along my lower one and then I found myself opening for him, letting him taste me completely. I kissed him back, unable to make coherent thoughts or think of anything beyond this moment.
My heart pounded ferociously in my chest. My hands slid up his vest and wrapped around his neck. His other hand pressed against the small of my back until we were chest to chest, tightly held together.
He kissed me for a very long time, longer than any first kiss I had ever had. He didn’t seem to want to stop. He would nibble on my bottom lip and then delve his tongue back into my mouth.
I gasped for air and sanity, but he filled every breath and sense.
Finally, just as our kisses became frantic and our touch more desperate, he slowed down. He ended our make out with the sweetest, lingering kiss. He pulled back just a little but rested his forehead against mine while his breathing steadied out.
“I have wanted to do that for a very long time.” His words were worshipful whispers.
I started trembling. I couldn’t form words or share the same sentiment. I had never thought about kissing Ben.
Not once.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he promised.
I nodded, still unable to speak.
He let me go and I groped for the door handle. I couldn’t look at him as I fled inside the dark house. I shut the door behind me and flicked the deadbolt over. My back slammed against it and reality came crashing over me.
I started sobbing; it seemed there was nothing left for me to do. The cries came straight from my heart, soul-wrenching sobs that were so deep they didn’t make any sound at first.
I slid to the ground, completely bereft.
What had I done?
I betrayed Grady. I betrayed him.
I sucked in a gasping breath and whatever barrier had been left completely dissolved. My cries were loud now, ugly and desperate. I held my hands over my face and wept while my soul shattered apart.
Emma came running into the room completely frightened by my breakdown. “Oh, Liz,” she gasped when she found me on the floor.
I felt her arms wrap around me so tightly it hurt as she slid down next to me. She held me against her chest like a small child, rocking me back and forth. Her tears mingled with mine and she mourned with me even though she couldn’t begin to know what a horrible person I was.
When I had finally settled down some, she asked, “Was it horrible?”
I shook my head as more tears started to fall. “It was wonderful,” I confessed.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because it was wonderful. And because he kissed me!”
“You didn’t want him to?”
“No,” I shook my head and my face scrunched as hot tears poured from my eyes. “I didn’t want him to stop.”
She finally understood my inner conflict. She pulled me into her arms and I stayed there as both of us cried for the husband I’d love and the husband I’d buried.
Emma couldn’t possibly understand all of the emotional turmoil that beat on me, that stirred up my insides and ravaged my heart. But she knew that this hurt me. That it both killed me and somehow sewed me back together.
I didn’t know what to do about Ben or if there was even anything to do. The only thing I knew that night was that it had been one of the best of my life.
And one of the worst.