NINE
Bryn
After the meeting, I needed some time alone. I stood on the veranda outside of my bedroom, under the bright moonlight and reflected on my life. I thought about where I’d been and where I was going. I also thought about Luce and his plot for revenge against us. And of course, I could only wonder if my vision were just a façade, an intentional transplant deliberately placed in my brain. On that subject, myriad new questions began swarming in my mind—frustrating me because I couldn’t answer them.
“Bête noire?”
Sinjin’s voice was soft, warm, and dare I say it? Sensual even. A smile pulled the corners of my lips up involuntarily, but as soon as I realized what was happening, I stopped it.
“Sinjin,” I answered without turning around to face him.
“Why am I not surprised to find you alone?”
“Ha, I guess you know me that well,” I answered with little or no interest.
But as soon as the words left my mouth, I was interested in hearing more. It did seem that Sinjin knew me too well. Maybe in some ways, he knew me better than anyone else here did. He seemed to understand who and what I was, as well as what made me tick, and why I felt the way I did. And I couldn’t say I was altogether comfortable with that information. That’s because I didn’t know Sinjin as well as he knew me.
At first, I thought I had him pegged as a playboy—charismatic and easygoing on the outside—but his attractive features were only an intentional distraction from his calculating and manipulative agenda. It was constantly brewing inside his head. But when he pursued the men who hurt me—he revealed a new side of himself I wasn’t expecting, much less prepared, to see.
It felt like my eyes were in the process of being pried open, and I was forced to view Sinjin in a completely different light. The more I considered it, the more I realized that I couldn’t figure him out. He wasn’t the character I perceived him to be. In fact, I saw a glimpse of something pure, passionate, and genuine in him. Yes, he was much more genuine than I ever imagined he could be.
“Do I know you well?” he asked, his voice sounding closer—like he was standing right behind me.
“I wonder,” I answered, suddenly nervous. I turned around to face him and instantly wished I hadn’t.
He was so close to me. His body was much closer than I previously anticipated. The bright moon rays cast an eerie glow across his face that highlighted the icy blue of his irises. His thick, black hair appeared almost navy blue in the celestial illumination, and I found myself holding my breath without even realizing it.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he said.
“You can’t be a man,” I heard myself saying, although I wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t intending to say anything, least of all something so … personal. “Out here, under the moonlight, you’re as much a part of the darkness as the night itself.” It was like my subconscious was overcoming my conscious will, compelling me to say the words which baffled me as soon as I heard them.
Sinjin eyed me curiously. “I have not been a man for centuries, pet,” he nearly whispered, and his voice sounded hoarse and raw.
“I can’t imagine that you ever were.”
My eyes stayed riveted on his, and the previous blueness of his eyes turned white, as if they were glowing. My jaw instantly locked. Suddenly, I began to panic because I wanted to say something, anything at all, to make him cease his staring. He was looking right through me.
“I was,” he answered before reaching down and taking my hand in his much larger one. We both looked down, and I watched him caressing the tips of my fingers with his. His tender touch was undeniably soft but also very cold. I remembered my unique ability to warm him up, or at least, my blood had that ability.
“But it has been such a long hiatus, I sometimes forget what it feels like to be human,” he finished.
“You aren’t missing much,” I managed to reply. My heart was hammering in my throat, and I anxiously wanted to pull my hand away from his, but I couldn’t.
He glanced into my eyes again while smiling with boyish charm and a devilish twinkle in his eyes. “It is relatively simple to abandon oneself to the ways of the monster and allow it to rule you, but when one rediscovers one’s own humanity, the ways of the monster might suddenly become shallow and meaningless.”
“I suppose you’re referring to yourself as the monster?” I asked, not entirely sure I was following him. That was how I felt most of the time when I was around Sinjin. He was such an enigma, eagerly offering subtle hints and clues about his inner thoughts but never allowing anyone to figure him out.
“Is that not what I have become as a vampire?”
I shrugged, not really sure if he had a legitimate point. “Some people might call you a monster.”
“And what about you, pet?” he asked, his eyes boring deeper into mine. “What name do you prefer to call me?”
“Sinjin,” I answered simply with a little shrug.
He nodded and the hint of a smile lingered on his lips. “I never cease to enjoy the sound of my name when it leaves your lips.”
I wasn’t sure why, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that he was going to kiss me. Maybe it was the way he was standing there, looking at me so seriously. Or the way his eyes narrowed before holding mine captive. I had a clear understanding that washed over me and I was not in any kind of trance. But instead of my chronic anxiety kicking in before my deepest fear took over, I felt inexplicably warm.
“The only time I managed to perceive the remnants of my former humanity was courtesy of you,” he blithely continued. I worried I would soon choke on my own tongue if I didn’t suffer a cardiac arrest first. I was sweating with anticipation, an unfamiliar feeling since I was always so sure of myself. Nervous anxiety. I hated it.
“Me?” I asked, hoping I sounded surprised. But I was thinking about the sensation of his minty, cool breath when it blew against my face. And although we weren’t touching, except for our two hands, I would not have been surprised to learn that he could feel my heart beating against my chest.
I wanted to pull back and step away from him—if only to stop the sensation of butterflies in my stomach, but I didn’t. I let him continue to stand in my space. He seemed to drink me in with his tortured, haunting eyes. And it made me feel good, if strange and awkward, and not wrong. I experienced many emotions all at once because Sinjin could make me tremble when he stood so close and stared at me.
Strangest of all, he made me feel safe when there was no reason for me to feel that way. He helped me lose all my modesty and sense of self. I was still capable of keeping him at arm’s length, but tonight, in the romantic, lustrous rays of the moon, I wanted him closer. I liked the way my hand felt in his. I longed to stare deeply into his eyes and let the gnawing desire that was growing in the pit of my stomach continue to consume me.
“Yes,” he answered. “After I drank your blood, I was awakened.”
“What do you mean?” I asked breathlessly.
“I have no explanation for it,” he answered, seeming somewhat perplexed by that fact. “Yes, your blood imbued me with your warmth and allowed me to walk freely beneath the sun’s harsh rays, but that was not the full extent of its wonders.”
“What was?”
“I felt … certain things, which I have not experienced in centuries,” he started, and I saw a wistful smile forming on his sumptuous lips. “I was awash with fond memories I could not recall for so very long. Fond memories of my distant past.” He nodded and his smile widened, as if he were enjoying the same memories even now. “They belong to another life. Another lifetime. The age of my humanity. And the people and places I once knew but had not thought about in centuries.”
“Were they all happy memories?”
He cocked his head to the side as he considered my question. “Not all. Some were. Some were not.” He looked at me and added, “You are not what you imagine you are.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know what that means.”
“It means exactly what it states. You do not realize the magnitude of your existence, who and what you are, and your potential, what you are capable of accomplishing. Until you comprehend that, pet, you can never truly know yourself.”
“I do know myself!” I snapped, ready to argue. The idea that there was something lurking inside me that I failed to understand did not sit well with me. I didn’t like hearing it from him because I’d also thought the same thing before on my own. After my ordeal with Jack Jeffers, I didn’t know what to think anymore.
“You consider yourself nothing more than a skilled warrior,” Sinjin replied, interrupting my inner monologue. “But you, my clever pet, are far more than just that.”
I didn’t answer because I couldn’t think of anything to say. Of course, part of me was still rebelling against everything he said. I wanted to prove that it was daft and ludicrous for him to think that I didn’t know myself! After all, I was me! Who better to know my true thoughts and feelings than me? However, another voice inside me had to agree with him. I wasn’t just a warrior. Deep down inside, I knew that.
“What do you think I am?” I asked, feeling suddenly more vulnerable.
He shook his head. “I cannot fathom an answer to that, pet.”
Sinjin’s glance left me and traveled up to the moon. He seemed to be preoccupied. Maybe he was gathering his thoughts. He released my hand as he stepped away before combing his fingers through his dark, wavy hair. At his sudden departure, the space between us disappointed me. But with the increased distance, it grew easier for me to breathe and my heartbeat finally started to slow down to normal.
Sinjin turned away from me, and I watched him easing the tension from his shoulders with a quick shrug. He suddenly seemed very large, and intimidating even. Yes, of course I knew how tall and broad he was, but somehow, now he seemed enormously huge. Almost the size of a giant. I felt so small and meager beside him, something I wasn’t used to.
“Sinjin?” My breath caught, and I wasn’t sure why I called out his name.
But there was warmth spreading through me that I couldn’t explain. It was a feeling that hadn’t been there ten minutes ago. But now it was definitely there and I didn’t know what to do or make of it. Just like I never knew what to do or make of Sinjin, himself.
There was only one other person in my life who could manage to make me feel that way, and he was the strange phantom who appeared exclusively in my dreams. He first showed up on the day I stopped dreaming about my parents. The man just stared at me from a distance with his dark brown, serious, and soulful eyes. I’m sure he was the same man who visited me in the forest. Well, at least, he was in my hallucinatory version of him.
Still Sinjin said nothing, while the radiant warmth inside me began to hum. The humming eventually became more like a buzzing sound, which later resulted in more fluttering butterflies flitting all over my stomach. I suddenly felt very lightheaded and sick. I was nervous too, and the fight or flight rush of adrenaline propelled me into high gear. I wanted to run from him and get as far away from the vampire as I could. However, I couldn’t understand the reason why.
“Jolie should be prevented from viewing my vision,” I suddenly blurted out. I tried to resist the bizarre feeling that was rapidly taking control of me. I needed to direct our conversation back to a place that was more comfortable for me, where I wasn’t so far out of my element.
“I agree, but there is nothing that can be done about it now,” Sinjin answered. He was standing much farther away, and at least five feet spanned the distance between us. He seemed just as uncomfortable as I was.
“I don’t believe that!” I retorted. “You and my sister can’t deny your lasting relationship, Sinjin. You have a special bond with her.”
“I must disagree.”
“You know what I’m talking about!” I insisted. “She trusts you and she values your opinion more than she does anyone else’s,” I pointed out. He didn’t reply or try to argue with me, probably because it was the truth. “So I have to leave it up to you now. You talk her out of doing this.”
“There is nothing I could say that would make any difference. Your sister is … very stubborn.”
“You could try though.”
“For what purpose?” he asked as he turned to face me. The divine but brief moment we shared beneath the moonlight was over, and it seemed so long ago now. Back to business as usual. I was deeply saddened by that fact, although I couldn’t explain why.
“What do you mean, for what purpose? To prevent her from seeing sights she shouldn’t see!” I railed back at him. “To spare her from seeing something that will be eternally etched on her brain and which she will never forget.”
“The queen is our queen for a reason, pet,” he replied in a droll tone. “She is much stronger than you might estimate.”
“That’s not what I’m discussing!”
“And as our queen, she has a constitutional right to be prepared for whatever devastation might be coming our way. Perhaps she will see something more in your vision, something that you might have missed.”
I wanted to ignore his rationale, but I couldn’t. Why? Because it was the unvarnished truth. I couldn’t argue with him so I remained quiet.
“But that is not the topic which drew me to you this evening,” Sinjin added. Eyeing me narrowly, I watched his shoulders stiffen. His abrupt change in disposition surprised me as much as it disappointed me. The impenetrable walls were up again—which became obvious with his sudden reserve and uptight posture.
“What was the reason then?” I asked immediately.
“I came to ask you to explain the secret you are hiding,” he said flatly.
“Secret?” I repeated while shaking my head. Dropping my gaze to the ground, I began kicking a small stone with the toe of my sneaker. “I have no secrets to hide from you.”
He shook his head. “Bête noir, we both know that is not true.”
“You’ll have to give me more than that,” I demanded. Throwing my hands on my hips, I looked him squarely in the eye while mustering up my warrior spirit. Something that seemed slightly dormant during the last twenty minutes or so.
Sinjin stepped closer to me, but this time, I had no urge to get closer to him. Instead, I retreated. My hands were tightly clenched at my sides, although I had no idea why I launched into a defensive mode. How could Sinjin manage to flood me with so many clashing emotions in the course of one mostly innocuous conversation?
“Something happened to you while you were with Jack Jeffers; and I insist that you explain it all to me. This is valuable information that I must be informed of, not only as a protector for you, but also for your sister, the queen.”
I swallowed hard. His words sent me straight back to the hell I had to endure at Luce’s camp. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I angrily replied. I assumed he was referring to the occasion when I’d unknowingly erupted into flames in order to protect myself from Jack’s unsolicited advances. How Sinjin knew that, though, was a mystery.
In regard to what “happened” with Jack, I still failed to grasp all the whys and whats of the whole situation. That was why I preferred to keep it to myself, at least until I could come up with a feasible answer for what really happened. However, if that moment ever arose, I seriously doubt I’d want to share it with anyone even then. It was a deeply personal event that I experienced, and I wanted to keep it that way. The last thing I needed was Sinjin knowing about it. He’d surely go spouting it off to everyone, telling them all about Bryn, the perpetual oddity.
Frustrated, I turned to leave. But Sinjin reached out and grabbed my arm, turning me to face him again. I hated the uncertainty I saw in his eyes. It was the same curious stare he’d given me when my sister first brought me to Kinloch Kirk as her prisoner. His expression revealed his unequivocated distrust of me, as well as his suspicion.
“When will you accept the concept that I consider this my true home now?” I managed to say between my gritted teeth. “And when will you believe that I have vowed to protect my sister and her kingdom with my life?”
Gripping my upper arm, Sinjin pulled me closer until barely an inch of air separated us. My heart slammed against my ribs and started beating overtime.
“I cannot afford to fully trust anyone, pet,” he answered, his jaw tightening. “Trusting anyone fosters tragic disappointment. I am not the kind of man who easily accepts disappointment.”
“I would never hurt anyone here, Sinjin, and you know that. I would never knowingly put anyone in harm’s way.”
“I accept that, and I do not believe you would intentionally hurt anyone.”
“Then why are we having this conversation?”
“Because you also possess a unique ability that I would like to discuss.”
I shook my head and held my ground. “I’ve thought long and hard enough about my time as Luce’s prisoner! I refuse to replay all the sordid details that still plague me every night. If I wanted to see a therapist, I’d simply ask for one.”
“I am only trying to understand how you managed to protect yourself against Jeffers. That is the only memory I am asking you to relinquish.”
I tried to yank my arm from his viselike grip, but he wouldn’t budge. We stared into each other’s eyes, and it instantly became a clash of wills. As two warriors, we were sizing up one another and trying to determine who would prevail.
Finally, through his partially unsheathed fangs, Sinjin said, “Did you or did you not erupt into flames when Jeffers attempted to touch you?”
“How do you …?” I could only gasp as soon as the words left his mouth. My heart dropped before my mind scattered into a million thoughts, all superimposed over one another. “Who the hell told you that?”
“Jeffers did. I heard it from the man, himself.” Sinjin released my arm, and I stumbled backwards. Reeling to catch my breath, along with my equilibrium, I shouldn’t have been surprised. So what if Sinjin received the information from Jack? Yet I still was surprised. Even worse, I hated that Sinjin knew my secret, that he knew something was very off about me, something that even I couldn’t understand.
Not a day went by when I didn’t recall the bizarre moment when Jack Jeffers first touched me. A searing heat instantly sprang up from inside me, quickly spreading through my arms and legs and then my fingers and toes.
I saw Jack’s ugly grin, so glib with smoldering anger, and I could feel the heat sweeping over my entire body, engulfing me in rivulets of rage. Then I saw the huge flames of orange, yellow, and red springing from my skin, expressing all the torment I’d recently experienced.
“Bryn,” Sinjin whispered, interrupting the memories that still tainted me.
I looked up into his eyes and shook my head at the hollowness I felt inside. “I can’t explain it.”
“At least you could attempt to,” he demanded. “Please?”
“What did Jeffers tell you?” I responded, studying him with suspicion.
But Sinjin shook his head. “What happened to you?”
I dropped my gaze to the ground and fisted my hands at my sides. “Whatever happened to me then means nothing now,” I managed to say, keeping my voice low. “It’s not like I’m going to hurt anyone here, or that I’m unpredictable and dangerous now because of it.” I met his eyes again. “I remain now and always in complete control of myself.”
Sinjin took a step closer to me and grabbed my hand. “That never even crossed my mind. That is not why I am asking you.”
“Then why?”
“Because if I can manage to understand the extent of your powers, I might assist you in learning how to better control them.”
I was stymied, and without an explanation. I could not describe what happened that day, but Sinjin would surely doubt that and maybe even think I was lying to him. Not that it mattered. I had nothing else to say.
“I don’t know what happened to me,” I finally answered after a few moments of silence. “I don’t know why it happened or how. All I know is that it did really happen.”
“Then could you describe what, exactly, did happen?”
I shrugged. “I imagine you already know?”
“I only know what Jeffers told me. You erupted into hot flames when he attempted to touch you and even burned him. However, you, and your body, were not singed in the least by the inferno.”
I was quiet as I remembered the incident. Then I looked up at Sinjin and shrugged. “That’s about all there was to it.”
“Did that ever happen to you before?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “And I’m not especially eager to pursue this conversation any longer now. I don’t have a clue about it, and as far as I can guess, it will never happen again.”
“Ahem,” Sinjin said as he frowned. His skeptical facial expression said he didn’t believe me. Then he resumed his usual poker face. “As the official protector of the queen, it is my exclusive responsibility to observe and take note of any potential threat to her safety,” he started. I narrowed my eyes and frowned, wondering where he was going with this. “And in that role, you could quite possibly be perceived as a threat.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I retorted as I faced him. For a second, I felt completely shocked that he would actually say that to me.
But Sinjin shook his head. “No, I am not. Actually, I do not view it as a source of amusement. I must respond by refusing to allow you any access to your sister or the princess; at least until the control and extent of your abilities are wholly managed.”
“You son of a bitch!” I started, taking a step forward as I glared up at him, a bolt of rage suddenly overwhelming me. “You should know my character well enough by now to realize that I could never hurt my sister or the baby princess!”
“You say that now while you are in a clear state of mind, but what will happen if your sister should anger you? What if she puts you into a compromising position? What if your smoldering ire overtakes you?” The questions he asked filled my chest with heated anger. “It is not beyond the realm of possibility that you could inadvertently erupt into flames and harm her or her child. Can you imagine the terror if she were holding the princess at the time? No, my pet, I must separate you from the rest of the kingdom. At least until we can identify what is happening to you.”
Fury inflamed every atom in my body. For a moment, I felt the familiar heat forming under the surface of my skin—the same incendiary sensation that ignited my body in front of Jack—the same prickling I felt now. Like a thousand ants marching across my skin.
Who the hell did Sinjin think he was? How could he suspect me of ever hurting Jolie or Emma, for God’s sake! I assumed he knew me so much better than that! He was practically accusing me of doing something so horrendous …
Anger bubbled under my skin, and it soon became an uncontrollable rage. My heart rate increased, and I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms. I desperately had to gain control of my anger or I’d combust right in front of Sinjin the same way I did with Jack. And then, who knew what could happen? I’d be promptly deemed a danger to myself as well as my people.
“You cannot be allowed anywhere near the queen, pet,” Sinjin persisted as he eyed me with curiosity. “If you cannot control it, then who can? I am sorry, but I must confine you to solitary quarters until we can better understand this … profound, new ability of yours.”
“Don’t threaten me, Sinjin!” I shouted. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Then you must prove it to me,” he replied stonily. Leaning down, he brought his face closer to mine until we were literally eye-to-eye. “Show me what you can do, and then try to control it.”
I finally realized Sinjin’s intentions. All this time, he kept provoking me, trying to make me lose control and burst into flames just so he could see me do it. He never actually believed that I could hurt Jolie or Emma or even that I was a threat. He was purposely trying to incense my uncontrollable anger like a sideshow freak that people would gawk at.
“Fuck you, Sinjin,” I seethed. Then, I turned on my heels and left him standing there.