{Kayla}

I’m still fully dressed and lying on my bed staring at the ceiling when Jake comes home. I’ve been here for hours, hoping the answers will come if I relax and slow my thoughts. My problem is I don’t know how to relax. If can’t relax, I can’t slow my thoughts. Therefore, no answers, which only makes it harder to relax.

I know his first stop will be my room to check on me, so I roll away from the door and pretend to be asleep just as he knocks softly. “Kayla? You up?”

I say nothing and hold my breath in the hopes he goes away. He does. Once he closes the door to his room, I flop onto my back and stare at a different spot. Why is this so hard? When he left for his shift at the firehouse, we were happy. We were a real couple. I kissed him good-bye and made him promise to stay safe, to return home to me.

Then Superstorm Sandy Riggs hit. She came in fast and deadly, leaving no survivors. How can I possibly be related to that woman? Maybe I’m adopted, because I am nothing like her. She passes judgment on people without really knowing them. She damns anything and anyone that doesn’t fit in with her perfect plans. She points out everyone else’s faults to distract from her own.

Okay, so I’m exactly like her. And I hate it. Fine. I’m not going to be anything like her from this realization forward.

My phone buzzes. I grab it and read the screen. It’s Mel sending a group chat. GNO this weekend?

I’m in. It’s exactly what I need, to spend time away from Jake and seek advice from my support group. I just hope I can make it to the weekend without losing my mind over trying to sort through this flurry of emotions threatening to take over every second of every day.

We’re in. It came from Shannon’s number, but it could have been Ciara. Those two are always together. I don’t know what Shannon is going to do when Ciara leaves for Cambridge after graduation. It wouldn’t surprise me if she found a job over there and they moved to the East Coast together.

My phone buzzes again. This time it’s just Mel to me. You okay?

We’ll talk at the GNO. If I go into detail, we’ll be up texting all night and I need to get up early for work.

You aren’t okay.

It’s not a question, and I don’t take it that way. I’m in bed.

I’m calling. Before I can respond, her image appears on my screen as my phone buzzes. I debate letting it go to voicemail, but then she’ll just keep trying until I answer.

“What?” I whisper viciously. If Jake hears me, he’ll be at my door in seconds.

“What’s wrong?”

It’s like the floodgates open. A sob sneaks up before I can cover my mouth. “I’m a mess.”

“That’s a given. We all are. It’s finals week.” She pauses as I struggle to keep my sobs silent. They tear through me, shredding my soul as they come faster, right on top of each other. “This isn’t about school, is it?”

“No.” I shake my head and bury my face in my pillow.

“What happened?”

“Things were fine. Jake and I, we were fine.” My chest collapses as a violent sob slams into me.

“And then?”

“My mom.”

“Oh, shit.” She knows the poison my mom spews, knows how much damage she can do with her words. “What’d she do this time?”

“She doesn’t want me to be with Jake. She said guys like him rely on their looks and charm to get ahead, and someday he won’t have either. I don’t want to be the wife of a busboy at a diner.”

“That was random.”

After I sob until my insides feel like they’re on my outside, I draw in a deep breath. “She told me to find a guy who’s been promised a cushy job after graduation so he can take care of me.”

“Oh, fuck her.” Mel holds nothing back, like, ever. “Who does she think she is? June Cleaver?”

“At least June loved Ward. I don’t think my mom even likes my dad. She said she settled for him. She never said she loved him.”

“That’s harsh.”

“That’s my mom. She told me this story about a wild bad boy she loved but gave him up to be with my dad because he was safe and could give her the future she deserved.”

“I’ll tell you what else she deserves, a swift kick in the taco. Who is she to—”

“Kayla?”

I jerk to a sitting position. Shit. Jake is standing in the doorway. “I gotta go.” I end the call and drop the phone to the bed as dread seeps into my very being. “How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” Even though I expect him to come to the bed, he stays where he is. “Is that why you ran off today? You’re the one with the cushy job after graduation instead of me? Are you afraid you’ll have to support me?”

“Jake.”

“Answer the question. Do you believe any of those words your mom said?” His voice shakes as he clearly struggles to hold in his anger. Or maybe it’s his devastation. Either way, it’s not good.

“I don’t know what I believe.” I’m too raw to lie.

He shakes his head and drops his gaze. “She got to you.”

“No.”

“Bullshit,” he barks. Yep, definitely anger. “We were fine. You said so yourself. What changed?”

“My mom.”

“Bullshit!” he barks again, this time louder. My heart rate picks up. I’m not sure if it’s from fear or my own anger. Maybe both. “You don’t have a single conversation and suddenly everything changes. You must have already had your doubts. So, tell me. Do you think I rely on my looks and charm to get ahead? When my looks are gone, are you afraid you’ll be stuck with a loser who can’t take care of you?”

“Let’s not do this.”

“Answer the fucking question.”

I slam my fists to the mattress. “I don’t know!”

“I think you do.” He moves from the door, retreating. “And that sucks.”

“Jake,” I sob.

He stops, his back to me. “I love you.” He glances over his shoulder. “Isn’t that enough?”

I wish it was. I wish I’d never called my mom. That way we’d be cuddling in bed and falling asleep in each other arms instead caught up in yet another fight. I slide to the edge of the bed and slip on my shoes.

“Where are you going?”

“I need air.” I push past him and hurry into the living room to grab my coat.

He’s on my heels. “Why won’t you answer me?” When I don’t slow, he grasps my shoulder and spins me around to face him. “Talk to me, damn it.”

“Not now, Jake.”

“Then when? You completely shut me out every time I ask how you feel.”

“We are not having this conversation.” I grab my purse and make a beeline for the door. I don’t want to talk about this. I’ve never had a guy tell me he loved me first. It freaked me out and now I can’t take back how I reacted. I refuse to apologize for it. We’ve lived together for three weeks. People don’t fall in love in less than a month. Period.

“We are, too.” He reaches for me again. I jerk around and before I realize my reaction, I slap him across his face. He sucks in a breath and stumbles back. Blinking, he only stares at me, stunned.

I’m stunned, too. Why the hell did I do that? He’s done nothing wrong. “Jake…”

He brings his hands up and shakes his head before retreating. “You know what? I get it. You’re scared. Instead of taking a risk on me, you’d rather listen to the hateful words of your mom pushing you to do exactly what she did.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“I may push people away, but I do that on purpose. You don’t even know you’re doing it.”

“That’s not true.” Please, God. That can’t be true. All my heartbreaks can’t be because of me. I’ve just had a shitty run of bad luck in guys. That has to be it.

“The hell it isn’t. Take your arbitrary list of rules.”

“Don’t bring my rules into this.” That’s hitting below the belt. He knows how I feel about my rules. “They keep things in order.”

“They’re ridiculous. Number eight. No wet towels on the floor? What sane twenty-something doesn’t leave wet towels on the floor?”

“This sane twenty-something.”

“That’s because you’re not sane.”

I gasp and am immediately pissed. And hurt. How can he say that to me? He sleeps in the bedroom next to me. Hell, he sleeps with me. “You think I’m crazy?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“You’re such a class-A prick.”

“And proud of it.”

“I’m sure you are.” My chest tightens. I don’t know how to handle this. Whenever someone is mean to me, I walk away. Be the bigger person. Yet, with Jake, I want to lay into him. I want him to feel the same pain I’m feeling. I’m just too big of a coward to do it.

So instead, I give up. It’s what I do and another thing Ian listed as one of my many bad traits. Someday I’ll learn to stand up for myself. Today isn’t that day. I shake my head and walk away. “I’m done fighting with you. I’m just done.”

“Done?”

“You win,” I admit, my tail firmly between my legs. I’m not a fighter, never have been. “Take the apartment. Find another roommate. I’ll be out after finals.”

“Kayla, I don’t want you to leave.”

“This isn’t about what you want,” I admit and swallow the thick emotions threatening to cut off my air supply. “This is about what I need. It’s what we both need.”

“No, it’s not. Fight, goddamn you.” He grabs my shoulders and shakes me, scaring me. It’s more the passion in his eyes than the way he’s trying to literally shake sense into me. “Stop running away every time things get hard. If you run away whenever you’re too scared to face reality, you’ll never get anywhere.”

I growl and jerk out of his hold. “Stop trying to save me.”

“Aren’t you tired?” He softens his voice and takes a step toward me. “Tired of running from your own happiness? Tired of making up reasons for your own misery? Stop running, Kayla. Face your fears head on. Kick their ass. Baby, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

Damn him. Goddamn him. I’m not ready to break all my rules, not even for him. I need a man I never have to worry about. I need a man with a safe job, a secure job. I need a man who doesn’t challenge me to be more than who I am. “I never asked you to love me.”

“But I do.”

I deflate as the sincerity in his eyes melts into my soul. I’ve never had anyone fight so hard to be with me. The first out I give them, they take it. Why would Jake, the man-whore who runs at the first sign of a commitment, fight so hard for me? What could I possibly offer him?

“I can’t do this.” I really can’t. I have to cut this off. As it is, I may never recover once this is over. He’s already become a part of me, and I hate that he did that without me being able to stop him. “It’s too much. I never thought living with you would turn into this.”

“Turn into what? Me falling for you?”

“Exactly!” I leave out the part that I’ve fallen for him, too. This isn’t about me, damn it. It just isn’t. “You broke our agreement.”

“I never went back on my word.”

“We said no strings attached. No strings means no emotions. FTFs, remember? Love should have never been a part of this. This is why I have rules, why I plan everything down to a T.” I’m hyperventilating and trying not to, but the panic rioting in me is making it impossible. “I have to have control over my situation. I told you before, without control you have chaos. I refuse to let my life end up in chaos. I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am. I will not end up being someone’s trophy wife. I can take care of myself. I have it all under control.”

He stops and blinks. His expression lightens like he’s just had a revelation. “That’s it.”

“What’s it?” I shrink back, afraid he just had some insight into a side of me even I didn’t know existed. “And if you try to psychoanalyze me I swear to God I’ll kick you in the balls.”

He laughs. The son of a bitch laughs, and I really am ready to kick him in the balls. “That’s why you’re scared to let yourself love me. If you let even one piece of your life out of your total control, you think your entire world is going to come crashing down. That’s why you have so many rules, to control every aspect of your life. Even after everything your mom told you, your parents’ story is still your plan. You want your happily ever after, but only on your terms. I get it now.”

“No, you don’t.” Goddamn it. How does he know that about me? I don’t want him digging any deeper into my life and turn to walk away. This shit is getting way too real.

But he won’t let me go. His comment stops me dead in my tracks. “Admit it, Kayla. I’m not part of your perfect plan and that scares the shit out of you.”

I snap and swing around to charge him. “That’s right. You aren’t part of my plan, Jake. Thank you for realizing that. Now do you understand why one of us has to go?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Oh my God. What’s it going to take to get it through your thick skull? I can’t love you. Now do you get it? I won’t.” As much as I don’t want to be my mom, I can’t help it. I need safety. I need security. It’s the only way to have a future. I’m just sure of it. It’s what both my parents drilled into me since my earliest memory.

His face falls slack. His shoulders slump. He’s looking at me like a stranger. No, not a stranger. Like someone who betrayed him, like this whole screwed up thing is my fault. The hurt clouding his expression is undeniable. “Which is it? Can’t? Or won’t?”

What is it going to take to get through to him? I can’t let him in. If he gets any closer, I may end up with him forever, and then where would I be? I’d be Mrs. Fireman. What does the wife of a fireman do aside from sit around and worry when he’s on shift? I can’t take that level of stress.

“I can see by your hesitation that you haven’t figured it out. Why don’t you give me a call when you do?” He grabs his coat and heads for the door. “I get what you’re doing, Kayla. I really do. Push me away. Push everyone away. Only surround yourself with people you can control. That’s what you’re good at.”

“That’s such bullshit! I don’t control anyone.” No matter how much I try. I can’t even control myself, especially when it comes to this man.

He rests his hand on the doorknob. “Your friends come to your work to see you. They came to your place for that little burning. I bet they even come to your place when you all want to hang out.”

No. Not just no, but hell to the no. That’s not the reason why they all come to me. I’m not the ringleader of our group. None of us are. “For your information, they come to the diner because there’s food and they need to eat. I didn’t even want them at my place for the boyfriend burning.” When I get to where we hang out, I hesitate. And then a reason pops into my head. “I’m the only one with my own place.”

“Wow. You have an answer for everything.”

Goddamn him. It’s like having a fight with every one of my ex-boyfriends. “Don’t you dare judge me like you have all the answers. The only reason you’re still here is so you get whatever my friends promised for holding up your end of the deal.”

“They told you about covering my rent?” When he widens his eyes, I know I’ve discovered his little secret.

“They’re doing what?” I drop my jaw when it hits me. Everything hurts. My head. My heart. Everything. “You’re literally getting paid to…to…” I can’t go on. Holy shit. I’ve been sleeping with a male prostitute. A gigolo. I could be arrested.

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Are you saying all those times together, the daily orgasms, the ride on the fire truck, had nothing to do with your deal with my friends. Because I know for a fact, it does. You told me so yourself. I just didn’t know you had to be paid to be with me.”

He opens his mouth, then snaps it closed. And it shatters me. How can I be this stupid? I broke so many of my rules, and for what? For a man who’s being paid to sleep with me. I’m numb. How could I fall for any of his bullshit? It was all an act. “Was any of it real?”

“Kayla, I swear. It’s not like that.” He thrusts his fingers through his hair. “How did this get so messed up?”

“Maybe when you agreed to fuck me for money.”

“Don’t say that,” he says in a low, even voice that sends my neck hairs on alert. “I never fucked you for money.”

I don’t believe him. “Get out.” When he doesn’t move, I pick up the nearest thing and throw it at him. The towel smacks him dead center in the chest and drops to the floor. “Get out!”

“You just broke rule eight.” He slams the door behind him and I jump when the sound rattles the window as well as my nerves. Good riddance. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I’m perfectly fine without him.

It takes less than a second for me to realize my mistake.