I don’t know how many hours pass before I wake up. There is no moment of confusion, of where am I? What is going on? Where is Jake? NO! As soon as I open my eyes I know. I am in a hospital and Jake’s been taken away from me. He is probably being operated on. I sit up and slide off the bed. My bare feet touch cold ground. There are curtains pulled all around me. I part the curtains and start walking in the direction of voices. I come to the reception desk.

‘Ah, you’re awake,’ someone says.

‘Where’s Jake?’ I ask.

‘Calm down.’

‘I will calm down when you tell me where my husband is.’

‘First we need some shoes,’ she says.

‘I just want to know—’

But she is already walking back to the curtained section where I had come from and returns with a pair of shoes, mine. I wear them hurriedly. ‘Take me to my husband please.’

‘He’s still in surgery, but I can take you to where the rest of your family are.’

I frown. ‘My family?’

‘Yes, they are all waiting. Come on.’

I follow her to a sitting room. ‘Here they are,’ she says cheerfully.

The first person I see is Jake’s mother.

The nurse makes her exit.

For a few seconds Jake’s mother and I stare at each other. Then she stands up and advances toward me. Her small frame is trembling with anger. I look at her and I don’t feel afraid. I want her to hurt me. I deserve it. It is all my fault. I was so stupid, so fucking careless. It will be a relief to have her strike me. She stands in front of me and lifts her hand. I think she intended to slap me. I would have done it if I were her. Her hand moves in an arc, but it never connects. Shane catches it.

‘Don’t, Ma,’ he says sadly. ‘He’s in love with her. When he wakes up, it will break his heart to know you marked her.’

He lets go of her hand and she covers her mouth with it. Her eyes are shocked and huge and her hand is visibly shaking. ‘What if he doesn’t wake up?’

He turns white. ‘Then his soul will grieve.’

She crumples then, sobbing as if her poor heart was breaking. He put his arm around her and gently led her toward the blue chair.

And then Dom is next to me. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get you some coffee.’

I let him lead me out of that sad waiting room with its blue seats and Jake’s devastated mother.

I lean against the wall. Dom and I have hardly spoken. I’ve kept away from him.

‘Do you want a real drink?’ he says.

‘Yeah,’ I say.

He takes a flask out of his jacket pocket.

I take a long swallow. The alcohol burns my throat. ‘How long has he been in the operating theater?’

‘Seven hours.’

I become frightened. ‘He’s not going to make it, is he?’

His jaw goes stiff. ‘He’s gonna make it,’ he says. ‘He’s gonna fucking make it or I’m gonna kill the fucking bastard myself.’

That’s Dom for you: Why open a fucking door when you can fucking kick it down? Tears start flowing down my cheeks.

I wake up to indescribable pain. ‘Lily,’ I mutter.

There is no answer. I return to the blessed blackness.

I come back. Lights. Voices. Machines. Searing pain. I go away.

I open my eyes. A woman. ‘Lily?’

‘Nurse Bourne, I’m afraid.’

‘Lily.’

‘Your wife?’

‘Yeah, my wife. Tell her to get her ass in here now,’ I mumble.

And then it is blackness again.

My mother holds my hand. I know that. I feel her. She cries. I want to stop her. I’m all right. She goes. Shane comes. ‘Get well soon,’ he whispers.

I open my eyes and there she is. She is shaking. She puts her hand in mine. She’s not all right. ‘I love you,’ she says. I’m not there for her.

Then I open my eyes and it is no longer fuzzy. I recognize my mother.

‘Where’s Lily, Ma?’ I ask.

‘She’s outside,’ she says. ‘You nearly died because of her.’

‘That’s right. I nearly died because of her, but I’d be dead without her, Ma. She warned us they had infiltrated BJ’s organization.’

That’s the thing about Ma, she’s not vindictive. She forgives easily. ‘In that case I will pray to the Madonna for your wife,’ she whispers.

A little while after, Ma leaves and Lily opens the door.

‘Oh, you’re awake,’ she cries with disbelief.

She comes and stands beside me, fragile as a bit of porcelain. There is a bandage on her temple and a long bruise on her left cheek and blue shadows under her eyes, but she is still so beautiful I want to weep.

‘I can’t wait to get my cock into your pussy,’ I tell her and she begins to cry. Huge big tears that roll down her cheeks. I don’t stop her. I know they are tears of joy.