I cross the grand lobby. My heart is pounding. I’m not sure what I feel. I think I am angry, but I can’t be sure. My body feels stiff and tight. It’s a feeling I’ve never had before. I walk out of the hotel and into the street. Shocking. That man’s behavior is shocking. He treated the whole thing as if it was a joke. Incredible. Just incredible.

A car screeches to a halt next to me.

Jesus, I just walked in front of a cab. I turn my head and see a man in a taxi. He is red-faced with anger. He swears at me in Italian. I step back and automatically apologize. The man makes a rude gesture with his hand. Yeah, fuck off.

A man’s voice comes from my right and I turn towards it.

“Are you all right?” he asks in Italian. He has kind eyes.

I nod and thank him. After he walks away, I manage to flag down a Milano 22 cab. My hands shake as I open the door.

“Fiumicino,” I tell him, and with a nod he steps on the gas. I stare blankly out of the windows as he swears and curses at the other drivers on the road. After I have paid him I go into the airport and check in. I am in no mood to shop so I wander through the terminal aimlessly. When my flight is called, I get into the plane and find my seat. Obediently, I fasten my seatbelt when the sign comes on. I stare out of the window as the plane takes off. Goodbye, Rome. The air hostess comes around with the drinks trolley, and I ask for an apple juice. The woman sitting next to me reads a book while I lean back and close my eyes.

When the plane touches down, I walk down those anonymous corridors with all the other passengers. I pass through Immigration and, since I have no luggage, walk through the green Nothing to Declare door and out through the swing doors.

There are people waiting at the barriers for their loved ones. I planned to take a taxi back, but to my surprise, I see Star. Her large bodyguard is standing behind her. As usual, he looks like he has a poker up his ass. Surrounded by men in dark suits carrying placards with the names of the passengers, Star looks like a beautiful angel. She catches my eyes and frowns at me worriedly. I smile reassuringly at her and she smiles back.

Unable to wait for me to get to the end of the barrier, she rushes over to me and envelopes me in a huge hug.

“I love you,” she says.

I feel the backs of my eyes start to burn. I’m not going to cry. No, I’m not. I have no reason to cry. My life is good. I have everything the way I want it. I blink hard and the sensation goes away.

She takes my hands. Hers are warm and soft. Her beautiful eyes search my face anxiously. “Your hands are cold. Are you cold?”

I shake my head. I’m not lying. I’m not cold at all.

“Come,” she says, and leads me away. Outside, the sky is grey, and it is less warm than it was in Rome. Her blacked-out Mercedes is waiting. We pile into it and the car pulls away.

I turn to look at her. “Thank you for coming to pick me up. I didn’t expect you to.”

She shrugs. “I wanted to make sure you were all right. Are you?”

I nod and smile broadly so that she can stop worrying about me.

“What happened?”

I frown. How strange. The meeting with Dante feels as if it happened a long time ago. “He wanted me to move to Rome and for us to bring up the baby together.”

Her eyes become saucers. “What?”

“Yes, that was his grand plan.”

“Are you going to?”

I shake my head. “Of course not. He’s no good, Star.”

“People can change.”

“While he was talking with me, he had a naked woman waiting for him in his suite upstairs.”

Her hands drop into her lap. “Oh.”

“Yes, oh.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m not. It’s not like I love him or anything. There were no promises made. It was just a one-night stand, pure and simple. He promised me fun and he kept his side of the bargain. I definitely had fun. It is completely my decision to have this baby. I knew I was going to do it on my own and that is fine by me. I just wanted to let him know so that I could move on knowing I had done the right thing. I’ve done it now and I’m good. All good.”

Star threads her fingers through mine. “For what it’s worth, I would have done exactly the same thing you have.”

“I know, Star. I know you would have.”

She beams at me. “It’ll be fun, you’ll see. This baby will have so much love poured on it, it won’t know what to do with it.”

I laugh. “It’s not a dog. It has to go to school, get a job when it is older, marry, and have its own kids so you’re not allowed to spoil it.”

“You’re not allowed to spoil it. I am,” she says smugly.

I squeeze her hand back. Maybe it’s going to be all right. I don’t need a man just to help me bring up a baby. I’ve got the best support system I could ever ask for.

Star’s phone rings. She looks at the screen. “Oh, it’s Cindy.” She hits accept and puts her on speaker.

“Is she there yet?” Cindy asks.

“Yup, got her here.”

“Is she all right?”

“I think so. Talk to her. You’re on speaker.”

“Hey, Cin,” I say cheerfully.

“Did you switch your phone off? I’ve been trying to call you for ages,” she complains.

“Yeah, it’s off. I haven’t switched it back on yet.”

“What did he say?”

“He wants us to bring up the baby together.”

“He did? Oh my God. That’s great,” she screams into my ear.

“I’m not bringing the baby up with him, Cin.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because he’s a terrible womanizer. Because he lives in Rome. Because I don’t like him. And finally, because I just don’t want to.”

“Right. Okay. Got it.”

“Listen, I’ll call you back a bit later when I get settled in, okay?”

“Okay. Speak later, babe.”

I look at Star and she opens her mouth. “Don’t say it, Star. Just don’t say it.”

She closes her mouth.

“Let’s talk about you. What’s going on with you?” I ask in a determined voice.

We spend the rest of the journey to my place talking about an author’s convention that she has to attend. It is an exciting thing for her, and I put my own thoughts back and concentrate on her. I am so proud of Star. How high she has flown since her first husband caged her.

Star asks if I want her to come in, but I tell her I need to be alone.

“Do you want to join Nikolai and me for dinner?”

“Thanks, but not tonight.”

She peers at me with concern. “Do you want me to come over and have dinner with you?”

“No, you go ahead and have a good time with your husband. I’m fine. I’m just tired. I’ll probably get a takeaway and go to bed early.”

“If you change your mind, call me, all right?”

I stretch my lips and smile broadly. “Okay. Thanks.”

She leaves and I go up to my apartment and close the front door. I take a deep breath. This is my life. These four walls. That whole thing with Dante was just a piece of fantasy. It is time to put it all behind me. Once and for all.

I go into my bedroom, strip naked, and walk to my bathroom. I switch on the shower and stand under it. The water is deliciously warm. I love being in the shower. The sensation of water washing away everything. Sometimes when I get stuck for ideas I stand here and new inspiration comes flowing into my brain. Today my brain feels empty.

Numb.

The sobs come suddenly from somewhere deep inside me. At first I don’t even realize I’m crying. It is only when my whole body starts jerking with the strength of the sobs and my face is scrunched so tight that I recognize I am howling. I slide down the glass wall and slump on the floor. Water cascades down my body, bouncing on my head, my nose, my chin, dripping down my throat.

I don’t know why I’m crying.

I put it down to hormones. It’s hormones. Of course, it is. It’s not disappointment. Just hormones. The baby. The changes going on inside my body. Besides, I’m also tired. As if I have taken the world on my shoulders.

I’ll get out of the shower and have a nap. A nap will refresh me and put everything back into perspective.