Chapter 17
Cain and I walked down the street to get something to eat. I had the bizarre realization that I had never actually seen him eat. Only drink. Even when we had gone to dinner once he had sworn he wasn’t hungry and stuck to whiskey.
“So are you okay?” I asked as we held hands and kept glancing over at each other and smiling. “I mean, seriously. This month couldn’t have been easy.”
“The first week was fucking balls. I’m not going to lie. I thought feeling hungover sucked, but withdrawal was worse. I couldn’t sleep, I was edgy, sick to my stomach. But then it started to go away and damn, I felt better. And I’m getting my head on straight. It turns out I was using alcohol to dull my feelings.” He winked at me. “Big shocker, huh?”
“Totally. I never would have guessed.”
“But I went because after that night, I realized I don’t want to dull my emotions. I want to feel everything, good or bad. You made me realize I was tired of being numb.”
I squeezed his hand. I didn’t know what to say. The sun was on my face and it felt surreal to have him here. “I know I keep saying it, but you look good.”
“I feel good. And Christian showed up for a family counseling, which shocked me, I had to say. My mother treated family counseling like Sunday dinner. She kept saying how happy she was that she had her kids all together. It was sweet, in a very Lorraine sort of way.”
“I would like to meet your mother for real this time. I have a feeling we have absolutely nothing in common though.”
“Oh, you don’t. She exists in her own bubble of rainbows and delusions. It’s a great way to live if you can pull it off.”
I was afraid to ask about Christian but then I realized I couldn’t walk on eggshells with Cain. He had to deal with his shit, and a lot of that was his twin. “How did it go with Christian? Have you thought maybe about challenging his paternity of Camp?”
“I’m still working on not hating him. But I won’t do anything that will disrupt Camp’s life. If I was going to make a case for custody I should have when he was born. It would be selfish to do that now. He knows Christian as his dad.”
I had to agree with that. “I’m sorry, I know that must be hard. But I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“On the flip side though, I told my mom she should hold Christian more accountable. He blows in and out when he feels like it. Ali should be paying child support instead of just being allowed to skip out of town and back in with zero consequences. And I’m saying that in Camp’s best interest, not because I’m pissed. Everyone has to step up.”
I nodded. “I think you all have a lot to continue to work on.” I wasn’t sure how I fit into that equation but I wanted to support him. “For the record what happened with Bella and your brother has nothing to do with us. They’re separate people.”
“Thank God,” he said. “Because I want no part of that mess.”
“Hey, Sophie.”
I turned to where the voice was coming from and saw a girl I had shared a few grad school classes with.
“How are you?” she asked.
“I’m great, Margaret. How are you?”
“Great.” The word was drawn out, her stare curious.
Margaret was one of those girls I had found irritating, not because she wasn’t nice, but she had been gifted with intelligence, beauty, and social skills. The holy trinity of success. I saw her checking out Cain, our hands entwined. “This is my boyfriend, Cain. Cain, this is Margaret.”
“Hey,” he said. Casual. Sexy.
Yeah. I was proud to be seen with him. I couldn’t help it. Sophie Bigelow was not known for holding hands with hotties.
“Are you a student?” Margaret asked.
“Nope. I’m a commercial fisherman.”
“Lobster,” I clarified.
Her eyes widened. I had no idea what she was thinking, nor did I care. “Locally?”
“Maine.”
Margaret made a noncommittal sound and waved. “See ya.”
I waved back.
“What the hell was that?” Cain asked.
“I think she thought you were too hot for me.”
He snorted. “She’s never seen you on your knees. Hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Hands down.”
“Cain!” I glanced around to make sure no one had heard him.
“Don’t pretend to be shy.” Cain stopped walking and glanced up at the sign for a restaurant. “What about this place?”
We had spent the day talking and catching up and in my bed. He had wanted dinner before he had to return to his clinic in Boston. I laughed. “Seriously? You pick the one place that serves primarily Maine lobster.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Are you kidding me?” He shook his head. “We can go somewhere else, then.”
“We can go anywhere you want,” I said, smiling up at him. “Unless you want me to start assessing local restaurants by various categories.”
Cain laughed. “That could take longer than I have.” Then his smile fell off. “Soph?”
My chest constricted. “Yes?”
“Is this what you want?” he asked. His expression had gotten stormy. Old demons there, struggling to surface.
That was an easy question to answer. I nodded. “Yes.”
“Why?” The corner of his mouth turned up.
“Because.” I could smell the river behind us and feel the heat of the late-afternoon sun burning my bare shoulders. I felt alive with Cain. Flesh and blood. Not just a brain.
“Because why?” He brushed my hair back off my face.
“Because because.”
Instead of continuing the teasing game, he just nodded. “Yeah.”
When I looked at Sophie I saw all the answers I needed.
Life was one fucking complicated equation but if I trusted anyone to solve it with me, it was Sophie.
“Next week I’m taking you to a Red Sox game,” I told her.
Then her education would finally be complete.