The budget is always important. You must count the cost before you begin any renovation.
—HAMMER GIRL BLOG
Grayson tossed rocks into the rolling waves in Rainshadow Bay. The salty tang of the sea on his lips blew the last of his sleepiness away. He watched a ferry chug toward Whidbey Island. When this was all over, he wanted to spend some time getting to know this place.
He had a lot of thinking to do. He’d barely slept last night, and though he’d tried to blame it on the pain in his leg, he knew better. The real pain was the thought of leaving here, of missing Ellie. Seattle wasn’t that far, but far enough that it could be difficult with his crazy work schedule. He’d done what he set out to do, and Nasser was facing justice. Maybe it was time for him to reexamine his goals and figure out where he went from here.
Pebbles tumbled down the hillside, and he turned to see Zach coming to join him. The dogs scampered ahead of him and ran to nose the remnants of a tide pool.
“You doing okay?”
“Yeah, just trying to figure out life. A month ago I had no idea how differently I’d feel about everything.” Grayson rubbed the head of one of the dogs as it thrust its nose into his hand.
“Need a sounding board? I know what it’s like to have your whole life turned upside down.”
He probably did. Grayson had heard a little about how things had been after Shauna’s first husband died. “I thought I had my career and life all mapped out. Everything is turned on its head.”
“This is about how you feel about Ellie, isn’t it?” Zach tossed the Frisbee in his hand, and the dogs ran off to chase it. “While I’m not an expert on the topic of love and marriage, I can tell you that finding the right woman is worth turning your life in a totally new direction. You don’t want to leave her, do you?”
Grayson shook his head. “And I don’t want to leave Shauna now that I’ve found her. Or this place that suddenly feels more like home than anywhere I’ve ever lived. But yes, it’s mostly Ellie. She’s special, and I think we might have a future together. I don’t want to give up seeing her every day.”
“What are your options?”
“I could put in for a transfer to one of the Coast Guard stations here. Maybe Port Angeles.”
“You’ve done your homework.”
“Seattle is more of a boon to my career, which is why I took it in the first place, but it’s too far away to drive every day. Port Angeles is close enough, but since it’s small, I’d be able to get some experience in a lot of different things. The variety might be interesting, but am I trashing my career by asking for a transfer?”
“I’ll pray about it with you. God will give you direction on what you’re supposed to do.”
“Thanks, I’d appreciate it.” Several seagulls landed nearby and approached with beady eyes looking for food. “How’d you know Shauna was the right woman for you? I don’t have much experience with long-term relationships.”
“I couldn’t imagine life without her in it. It was as simple as that.”
“I’m pretty much already there. Here I am thinking about asking for a move that could either be the biggest mistake of my career or the best.”
He couldn’t leave her. He loved watching her smile slowly blossom across her face. He loved the way she pushed her glasses up on her nose and looked at him so earnestly. He loved the golden lights in her hair and the way it curled in the humidity of the ocean air. She believed in those she loved with all her heart, even when they had hurt her. He hoped to see those amber eyes look at him with that same unshakable loyalty someday.
A smile lifted Zach’s lips. “You already know what you want to do.”
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
Zach tossed the Frisbee to the dogs again. “Has Ellie talked to Mac yet?”
“She tried calling the hospital this morning, but the nurse said she was sleeping. Jason too. We’re going to head that way soon. There’s still the loose ends of the cocaine theft to tie up.”
A bandage around his head, Jason’s eyes were open to the ceiling, and he lay motionless and lethargic on the bed. He didn’t turn his head when Ellie entered with Gray on her heels, even though the whoosh of the door was loud in the quiet room.
Ellie’s shoes squeaked on the tile floor as she approached the bed. “It’s me, Jason. How are you feeling?” He still didn’t turn his head to face her. “Jason?”
“Did you come here to stare at the blind man, Ellie?”
She winced. He’d never spoken to her with such a sharp, sardonic tone. “We came to see how you are. I thought maybe you’d like to know exactly what was going on.”
“I’m used to being kept in the dark. Especially by women in your family. I heard her, you know.” He gave a harsh bark of laughter. “I’ve always heard about people who are unconscious hearing things going on around them. I heard her say she figured out pretty quickly she didn’t love me.”
Ellie stepped closer and laid her hand on his arm, but he shook off her touch. “Jason, it wasn’t you. Mac is . . . broken somehow. She had this thirst for some kind of crazy adventure. I don’t think she even knows herself why she did all this.”
She laid out everything for him—the cocaine theft, the way Mac had gotten involved in the terrorist plot, everything. Jason listened, his face devoid of expression.
“We’re going to go see her now, and I’m sure we’ll find out more,” Ellie said.
He finally turned his head her way. “She’s not going to jail, is she?” He laughed again, a humorless sound. “Just like always, she landed on her feet. She’s like your cat, Ellie. Nine lives and all that.” He flung his arm across his eyes. “Just leave me alone. Go back to your sister and mother her like you always do.”
Stung, Ellie drew back. “I don’t mother her.”
“You’ve always mothered her. You’re so afraid of letting someone down that you never made her stand on her own two feet. This is your fault.”
Gray stepped forward. “That’s enough. None of this is Ellie’s fault. She got pulled in like everyone else. I’ve had enough of people blaming her to avoid taking their licks like an adult. Whatever Mac did or didn’t do rests squarely on her shoulders.”
“I suppose my blindness is my own fault too.”
“It’s no one’s fault. You think you’re the only person who’s ever had to deal with an unpleasant circumstance? Your life isn’t over even if you never see again, and you’re whining when you don’t even know if that’s what’ll happen. It’s not the tragedy that can ruin you—it’s your own attitude toward it. You can let adversity make or break you, Jason. It’s up to you.”
The words hammered into Ellie’s head. Even if Jason never took them to heart, she understood in an instant what Gray meant. And how she’d been guilty of it herself. She’d let the tragedy of Alicia’s death and the things her parents had said to her sink in too deeply, had let it define her.
Nothing could define her unless she let it. She had God in her life to heal those broken places, but she hadn’t let him do it. She’d held her pain to her heart like a lovey she couldn’t give up.
No more. She could let it go now. Gray had taught her so much in the short time she’d known him. This time when she put her hand on Jason’s arm, he didn’t shrug it off. “What’s the doctor say, Jason?”
“That time will tell. The blindness was caused by the blow to my head when I fell and not the gunshot, which was just a flesh wound on my arm. My brain is swollen, and the visual cortex might be involved. We’ll know more in a few days or a few weeks.” He turned his face toward her. “What am I going to do if I stay blind, Ellie? I can’t work. I can’t drive.”
“You can pray, Jason. I will too. God will take care of you no matter what happens.”
He swallowed and closed his eyes. “Leave me alone, please. I’m tired and my head hurts.”
She squeezed his arm and pulled her hand away. Gray steered her toward the door, and they stepped into the hall. She wasn’t sure she was ready to talk to Mac yet, but she had to. Gray needed answers.
And so did she.