Chapter Thirty-Nine – Maddie

 

I haven't seen him for five days. I haven't been to English because I'm not ready to see him. The pain without him is bad enough. That all-encompassing loneliness. I didn't realize how much he took away the pain until.... Until he stopped being there to take it from me.

I think seeing him now would make it impossible. It's bad enough in my other classes – snide, triumphant looks from other girls, appreciative glances from the guys – all because I'm not his anymore. All because it went the way everyone always thought it would.

I never imagined it'd hurt so much.

But Braden was right. I got what I wanted – what I originally wanted. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to have him wrap his arms around me and kiss the corners of my eyes, like he always used to whenever I was upset. But it's not like that anymore.

I hold my books tighter to my chest and duck my head, hiding behind my hair. I've dealt with pain before. I've suffered loss and heartbreak, I can do it again. It's a different pain, granted, but I'll survive. I have to. Losing my mom and best friend didn't break me, so losing him won't.

Because through all the death and pain in my life, I've survived. That's how I know I'll always survive.

Nothing can break you unless you let it.

A hand grabs my arm and steers me away from the crowds and through the side doors. I glance up – Kyle. As soon as we get outside, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to him.

“Don't be so sad,” he says softly. “A girl like you doesn't need a guy to be happy.”

“I know that, Kyle.” I tuck my hair behind my ear and rest my head against his shoulder. “But just because I don't need him doesn't mean I don't still want him.”

He tenses slightly but nods anyway. “He said it was all a game. It wasn't, was it?”

I sigh and step out of his grasp, my legs carrying me over to the picnic table under a large tree. I slide onto the bench and drop my books on the table. Kyle sits opposite me.

“At first it was a game,” I say honestly. “Kay, Megan and Lila challenged me to play him – to 'hump him and dump him.'” Kyle smiles dryly. I shrug a shoulder. “I agreed. What else could I do? He was too much like.... My brother.... For me to imagine ever getting feelings for him. But I did.”

“Because he isn't the asshat we all think he is?” Kyle raises an eyebrow, and I snort.

“He's an asshat, all right. He's egotistical, cocky, and smug.” I trace the wood on the table. “But he's also patient, gentle, and caring. He listened when I needed to talk. He was there. He wiped the tears and held me when I needed it. He made me laugh and made me forget. Before I knew it, I'd gone from hating him to liking him.” A tear makes a slow trail down my cheek. “To loving him. I don't know how it happened. Somewhere between all the laughs and tears, I fell in love with him. And I don't know how to get back up again.”

We're both silent for a minute as he processes what I just said.

“But I will.” I wipe at my cheek and smile weakly. “I've been knocked down before, and I get back up each time. I won't stay down for long.”

Kyle smiles reassuringly and nods in the direction of the building. “I see Kay moving her ass over here, so I'll leave you.”

“Thanks for listening, Kyle.” I reach over and squeeze his hand as he stands.

He squeezes back and leaves, turning and hesitating. “It's always gonna be him, isn't it, Maddie? No matter how high you climb back up.... It'll always be him.”

His words shock me until the truth of them sink in.

Braden was – is – the first guy I fell in love with. He's the first guy I ever gave myself to – not sexually, but emotionally. He knew everything about me, and if he's to be believed, he loved me anyway. For that, a part of me will always hold him close. Maybe I'll never stop loving him completely.

I nod slowly. Kyle smiles, nods once and waves to Kay, throwing me a wink over his shoulder.

“Did you just tell that hot piece of ass 'no' again? ‘Cause I'm tellin' you, baby girl, if you don't have him, I will.” Kay takes Kyle's seat and puts a coffee and muffin in front of me. Something in me twists and I force myself to accept them.

“I told him no. For the last time, I think.” I glance over her shoulder at his still-retreating figure. “He's just not the one for me.”

“But Carter is,” she says nonchalantly.

I blink. “I don't think so.”

“Oh, I do.” Her eyes pierce mine. “You been mopin' since he hot-tailed it outta our dorm room – and believe me, I'm pissed he saw my frilly pink boobie holder. But what can you do? Anyway,” she redirects herself. “I ain't gotta be damn Einstein to see you're in love with him. I gotta be honest, I don't understand what it is, but you love him, baby girl. Now, question is, what are you gonna do about it?”

I smile at her words. “Nothing,” I say and pick at my muffin. “Because nothing can right what I did.”

“But love don't get that. I'm no cupid, I tell ya, but you two are like peanut butter and jelly. You're pretty shit on your own, but get you together and actually, you're kinda good.”

I laugh a little. “Thanks, I think.”

She winks and waves her hand. “You're welcome. So, I'm gonna ask you again. What are you gonna do about it?”

I sigh and twirl the coffee cup round. “Nothing,” I say again. “Don't you see, Kay? This all started as a game. It was never meant to last forever because someone always has to win the game. Love or not, we were always destined for disaster. He was always gonna be the murderer in Clue, I'd always win the most money in Monopoly. Braden would always hold the most cards at the end of the round of Old Maid, and I'd always top him at Jenga. Not everyone has a 'one,' Kay, and whether he's mine or not, it doesn't mean we have to be a two. I did this because you guys asked me. I didn't want to – and I didn't want to fall in love. I was always going to have to deal with the fall out of this game and this just happens to be it.”

“Then you won't mind if we go to the frat house party tomorrow night.”

I stop breathing, my whole body freezing for a second. “No,” I lie eventually. “No, I won't mind.”

 

~

 

I'm torturing myself being here - especially before the party actually starts. Every place seems to have a memory of us, and even though I know it's my fault, it doesn't stop the sting that still accompanies each thought of him.

“Ryan, what do you mean?” I hear Lila ask as I pass the front room.

“I.... Shit. You weren't meant to find out, babe.”

“Obviously.”

“It's no different than what you guys did!”

“Oh, really? ‘Cause it is. We planned to get Braden to stop sleeping around. Your plan was to get her to fall in love just so he could sleep with her. Vile, Ryan!”

I gasp. I slap my hand over my mouth to stifle it, but Lila turns her head towards me.

“Maddie? Oh, crap,” she whispers, her soft eyes filling with regret. “I'm sorry.”

I'm shaking. Anger is flooding my body, red hot and ready to burst out of me. It's coupled with the dull pain of betrayal, the pain he felt.

The pain he lied about.

“Fuck!” Ryan looks at me.

I spin and storm off into the kitchen. He's at the bar, drinking a beer and talking with the guys. I can't see straight. I can't think straight. All I can see, all I can think, it's all him.

I grab his arm and pull him from the stool.

“Maddie? What the fuck?”

I look up into the blue eyes I fell in love with, and the anger increases. I shove his chest. “You!”

“What?” He looks at me, behind me, and I take a step closer. He steps backwards, and I keep stepping forward until he's backed against the wall.

“Congratulations, you won,” I mimic. “Remember that line, Braden? Remember the bullshit you laced in it? Remember every goddamn, fucking lie you've fed to me over four weeks?”

His face pales slightly, his eyes sparking with recognition. “Shit.”

“Shit is about right.” I'm shaking. Bad. I can't stop, because if I stop shaking the anger stops, and if the anger stops the tears will come. “Shit is about right because you played me all along, didn't you?! A quick fuck. That's all I ever was, isn't it? Well, did you enjoy it?”

“Maddie,” he says quietly. Sadness is in his eyes. “That's not how it was-”

“Lies. Don't fucking lie to me, Braden. I've heard enough of them recently, don't you think?”

“Angel-”

“I'm not your damn angel. I'm not your anything, other than the last person to warm your bed.” I shake my head and step back. My eyes meet his again. “Everything was a damn lie! I guess you played me as well as I played you, huh? 'Cause guess what? You got what you wanted. You won.” I walk backwards slowly, tears springing to my eyes. “I guess we both won.”

I turn from him and run through the house, shoving my way through the crowds forming at the front of it. I need to get away from this place. From this house, this campus, and this state.

My feet pound angrily against the floor as I run back to my dorm. I slam my door behind me and grab my cell, doing a quick Google search. Satisfied, I follow through the process on screen and pull my suitcase from under the bed. I shove random belongings into it, needing to leave.

Ring.

Reluctantly, I grab my phone and look at the screen. Kyle.

“What?” I wipe under my eyes, brushing away the hot tears there.

“Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

“I'm sorry, Mads. If I'd have known....”

“You'd be too damn clever for Berkeley,” I reply. “Do you need anything, Kyle? I have a place to be.”

“Where are you going?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Do you need a way to get there, wherever there is?”

“I can call a cab.”

“No. I'll come and get you. I'll be outside your dorm in five minutes.”

“Thank you,” I whisper and hang up. The background image of me and Braden smiling into the camera laughs in my face. I'd only put it on there for appearances, but then I couldn't change it.

I still can't change it. I stare at it, numbly, remembering that this particular picture was taken after Pearce's visit. My smile wasn't fake.

I don't think my smiles ever were.

A horn beeps, and I grab my suitcase handle, giving a cursory look around the dorm room. I leave, the door clicking shut behind me, and I bump my case down the stairs to where Kyle is waiting. He grabs it from me, hoisting it into his trunk. I get in the car silently.

“Where to?” He catches my eye.

“Promise you won't tell? Not even after you've taken me there. If anyone asks, say you don't know.”

“Maddie-”

“Kyle, please. I need to get away from here.”

“Fine,” he grumbles.

“Promise!”

“I promise. Where to?”

“The airport.” I gaze out of my window and hear his sharp intake of breath.

“The airport?”

“I'm leaving for a week. I'll call in sick at school.”

“Where are you going?”

“To see my Dad. I'm going home. To Brooklyn.”