Chapter Sixteen
Carrie’s smile matched the brightness of the autumn sunshine outside her house that already felt like home. She stepped inside and the floors looked nothing short of amazing. The Baltic pine had been covered in a stain that lifted the boards from drab, dull and unnoticeable to glossy and eye-catching. She went into each room in turn, marvelling at how different the place looked.
‘Not disturbing you, am I?’ The back door opened when Carrie went through to the kitchen and Noah popped his head in.
‘Noah, you gave me a scare.’ Hand on her chest, Carrie smiled.
‘Didn’t mean to make you jump. Owen had to go down to the fire station so left the door unlocked. He’s expecting the replacement extractor hood to be delivered and installed and he didn’t want the fitters traipsing on too much of the nice new flooring so I said I’d let them in this way.’
Carrie looked at the perfectly fine glass extractor hood. ‘Why did he order a replacement?’
‘There’s a scratch, apparently.’
Carrie peered closely from all angles and eventually found the tiniest of marks. ‘He shouldn’t have worried about it.’
‘He’s a perfectionist, remember.’ His smile was highlighted by the sun streaming in the window and his left cheek dimpled beneath his stubble. He had on khaki shorts, work boots and a T-shirt that must’ve been black once upon a time but had now faded to a charcoal shade.
‘When are you going to start your training at the fire station?’ she asked. ‘You were scheduled to go and then you hurt yourself.’
‘Work has been full on but Owen won’t let me off the hook that easily. He’ll get me down there at some point.’ He lifted the back of his arm to wipe his brow, already lined with sweat, and as he did so revealed enough of his stomach to send Carrie’s thoughts spinning. As a distraction she looked around at the other finishing touches Owen had begun to add: the immaculate ceilings with aluminium light fittings, the sleek polished chrome handles on the kitchen cupboards and the taps at the sink that hadn’t been used enough to take away their shine.
He was still watching her and, uncomfortable under his gaze, Carrie left him to it and headed to Maria’s place.
Maria always welcomed her with a big grin on her face and by clapping her hands together over and over while mumbling incomprehensible words that probably meant something to her, yet didn’t to anyone else. It was lovely to see her happy and even though she grizzled when Mummy left for work, she was easily distracted now she was used to Carrie.
After lunch, when she and Maria had done puzzles, made colourful shapes with playdough and danced to two episodes of The Wiggles, it was time to get out, and when Carrie got Noah’s text and photo of the deep pink daisies she’d one day have along the far border of her garden, she couldn’t resist taking Maria up to the house. It meant she could get some fresh air and a much-needed walk, and hopefully Maria would sleep. These days she was beginning to resist a daytime nap, which, as her mother had warned Carrie, made for a particularly difficult afternoon.
‘I underestimated how heavy this would be.’ Carrie huffed and puffed her way up the hill to her house, pushing the stroller, head down looking at the ground, arms outstretched in front of her. It was easy to push a child around Magnolia Creek, up and down Main Street, popping in and out of shops, but tackling this climb was another thing entirely. But she couldn’t stop or Maria would start fretting, rubbing at her eyes. Why kids fought sleep so vehemently Carrie would never understand, but fight it they did.
‘This is my place,’ Carrie announced with a big exhalation when they reached the top and the stroller came to a standstill in front of the porch with its little step up and canopy top above to shelter from the rain. ‘What do you think, Maria?’ Hands on hips as she got her breath back, Carrie looked down into the stroller. She smiled. ‘So now you fall asleep.’
Maria, head lolled to one side on the pale pink teddy bear she’d brought with her and dropped out of the stroller four or five times, had fallen into a blissful slumber and as the birds twittered around them Carrie wondered how she was going to keep her sleeping. She didn’t really want the stroller on the new floors inside, so instead she parked Maria up in the shade beside a tree and went over to sit on the porch step armed with the ice-cold can of Diet Coke she’d stowed in her bag.
She cracked open the can and breathed in the country air, the Magnolia Creek that was undiscovered to many. Even tourists didn’t take enough of a step back to fully appreciate what this town and surrounding countryside was like. Carrie knew she’d been guilty of the same thing and had never understood her sister’s fascination, until now. It was almost winter but still mild, and Carrie wanted to savour the outdoors as much as she could today. She had enough layers on that it felt more like spring and the sunshine hovering tentatively above the house detracted from the season. Her house at the top of the hill had a view for miles around. Undulating fields rose and fell in the distance, trees swayed gently in the autumn breeze and wildlife went about its business as though Western civilisation wasn’t even there. A bunny rabbit hopped in between two bushes and Carrie wished Maria had seen it. She took a photo with her phone to show Maria when she woke and as she tucked the phone back in her pocket, Noah came around from the back of the house.
‘Hey there,’ his voice greeted.
She put a finger to her lips and he got the hint. When he crept closer she whispered, ‘She’s asleep. Thank God.’
Noah peeked around the stroller and smiled before taking a seat next to Carrie on the porch step. ‘She looks so peaceful. Oh, what it would be to fall asleep like that, outside with nothing but the sounds of the countryside around.’
‘And great big lolloping men with loud voices.’ Carrie grinned and when he nudged her, the hairs on his arm made her shiver.
He noted the absence of Carrie’s car. ‘Did you push her up the hill?’
‘Yes, and believe me, I need this.’ Carrie took a big gulp of drink, letting the coolness flood her body. She remembered his text. ‘Thanks for the photo of the flowers.’
‘I thought you’d like to know what they’ll look like eventually. That’s the thing with gardens, they’re not as instantaneous as the house itself. You need to have a vision of what it’ll be like eventually. The flowers I’ve chosen for you are hardy and will add a lot of colour. I’ve chosen deep pink for now but later you could always add some white or yellow too.’
‘I’m sure it’ll be perfect.’
‘Come on.’ He stood up. ‘Why don’t you wheel Maria round the back and we can chat while I work.’
Carrie looked over at the stroller and detected no movement. ‘Do you think we can do it without waking her?’
‘Sure we can. You take one end; I’ll take the other.’
Noah lifted the front wheels off the ground as Carrie simultaneously lifted the rear wheels and they gently manoeuvred Maria in the stroller round to the back of the house, where they positioned her in a shady spot. Carrie gently laid another blanket over Maria’s lap so she wouldn’t get cold.
‘The climbers up the pergola should be in abundance within a year.’ Noah pointed to the plants. ‘You’ll need to keep an eye on them, not let them take over.’ He pushed some kind of sapling into the ground and Carrie peered at the label, trying to visualise the garden as he’d advised.
‘Have you had any luck finding me a shed?’
He looked up at her, squinted in the sun before he pulled his shades down so he didn’t have to look away. ‘As a matter of fact I have.’
‘Come on, share. I want to know what it’s like.’
‘Don’t spoil the surprise.’ He was definitely amused by the secrecy and her yearning to know more.
‘Will my sign look right on the door?’
‘I think it’ll look great.’ He looked past her, to the stroller again. ‘She’s still asleep.’
Carrie looked at her charge. ‘She’s peaceful like that.’
‘You’re good with her.’
‘That’s because I get to go home and put my feet up after a day’s work. I’d be drained if I had her 24/7. Apparently this skipping the daytime nap has become a habit and then she’s a shocker to be with for the rest of the day. I might have to start making the hill walk part of my daily routine, for my mental well-being.’
‘My sister was the same. She kept her sanity by doing a lot of walking when the boys were tiny. Even if it was pouring with rain she said she couldn’t bear to be inside with them all day.’
Carrie smiled. She discreetly investigated some of the labels on the already planted shrubs as Noah continued on with the garden, and then she ducked inside for a brief chat with Owen, who was giving the mantelpiece in the lounge a final coat of varnish. She’d only been gone for a few minutes when the sounds of crying came from the back garden and she was back on duty.
‘Hello, you.’ Carrie unclipped the harness and scooped Maria up into her arms. ‘I’ll bet you were wondering where you were.’
Noah didn’t miss a chance to grab this young lady’s attention and came over to gently say hello. Maria looked as though she was about to burst into tears and with some quick thinking, he pointed at the ladybird crawling up his arm.
‘Thank you.’ Carrie mouthed the words as Maria’s attentions turned to the red-and-black insect, the split down its back where wings twitched ready to take flight. And the ladybird did exactly that when Maria was awake enough to prod it. They watched the red dot fly away, up, up into the air.
‘How did the visit from Patsy go?’ she asked as Noah pointed out a caterpillar on a leaf and let it crawl onto his finger so he could show Maria.
‘She was more than happy, so it won’t be long before Hazel arrives.’
‘There was never any doubt she’d approve you.’ Carrie watched him with Maria, whose eyes still glistened with the tears that had been scared away by country creatures and this man’s kindness. This man was meant to be a father, she was sure of it, and she doubted he’d ever compromise on that. Not that she wanted him to. Or maybe she did. The only thing Carrie was sure of right now was that she had no idea what she wanted anymore.
Carrie took Maria around the garden on the boards Noah had laid down for the purpose, and for a while let her crawl on the base of the pergola. Noah had said it was best to let the turf settle in and not walk on it, although Maria clearly had other ideas and put up a protest every time Carrie dragged her away from it.
By the time Carrie walked home – far more enjoyable going down the hill – Maria was content and smiling away, much to Tess’s relief when they arrived at the house. She’d had a busy day at work and looked exhausted so Carrie was glad to be handing over a happy child.
Next up was the hospital, and Carrie was in a good mood when she pulled into the car park ready for the baby-cuddling shift. Holding Maria in the garden and talking with Noah, she’d briefly had a glimpse of what family life could be like. Instead of thinking she couldn’t have that ideal, that it could be painful if the unthinkable happened and her child was taken away from her in an accident or because of a medical condition that couldn’t be cured, she found herself asking what if she had a child who was happy, healthy and went on to lead a long and untroubled life?
She locked her car and made her way inside the hospital. Her role there had really turned into just an extra set of professional hands, a baby cuddler who had more experience than most. The admin side of her work took very little management now it was under way and she could see how Serena had most likely made this position for her as a favour to Lachlan – because it was something that could easily be tagged onto someone else’s full-time job description.
The other girls were waiting in reception for Carrie to join them and Rosie was beginning to feel uncomfortable. ‘It might be almost winter,’ she said, ‘but I constantly feel like I’m cooking as I grow this baby.’ She drank from a bottle of water. ‘It’s like having a portable heater strapped to myself.’
‘Rodney’s sister used to say the same,’ said Bella.
‘How is Rodney?’ Carrie hadn’t been into the café for a few days but had texted to keep up with Bella’s husband’s progress.
‘He’s getting on my nerves,’ Bella smiled. ‘That’s a good sign, right?’
‘Sure is.’ Gemma grinned. ‘When Andrew had the flu last year I was really worried about him, thought I was going to have to take him to hospital, but as soon as he began irritating me I knew he was going to be just fine.’
The baby-cuddling shift got under way but when Bella, Rosie and Gemma went off in different directions, Carrie found Serena before she headed to the NICU herself. She poked her head around the office doorway. ‘I wanted to ask how Megan was doing. Could I take a quick peek at her charts?’
Serena looked up from the mound of paperwork she was sifting through and Carrie knew what she was going to say before she even said it. The fact she was focusing her attention on Carrie, the subtle head tilt to the side as she was giving the bad news, the lack of multi-tasking while she did it. ‘Megan didn’t make it.’ She stood and came towards Carrie. ‘She didn’t have the fight left in her and died on Sunday evening.’
When Carrie felt her legs wobble beneath her, Serena guided her to the spare chair in her office. She made mumblings of tea, coffee and goodness knows what else, but Carrie wasn’t listening. Her brain was still trying to process what she’d been told. ‘I thought she was getting better,’ she said over and over, but no matter what medical terms Serena used to explain the outcome, Carrie couldn’t bear to listen. This was the job, the highs and lows of paediatrics, but it was too much to bear.
Carrie shook her head when Serena tried to hand her a cup of tea. The look on Serena’s face told Carrie that Lachlan had shared all the details of what had happened to Carrie, with Lucas, his death, the parents blaming her.
She ran – out of the office, through the corridors, out the front entrance and back to her car. She couldn’t be here. She couldn’t be in a place with so much despair and sadness.
It was what she’d run from once before, and here it was, happening all over again.