Chapter Fifteen
It was the middle of May and Carrie had had a hectic couple of days. Maria had turned one and Tess and Stuart had thrown her a big party, which Carrie went to, and although it had been great to celebrate with Maria, the post-party few days had seen the toddler either bouncing-off-the-walls excited or completely inconsolable as she failed to cope with her overtiredness.
At the hospital today, the Magnolia Girls were one woman down on their team, with Bella at home managing her business and caring for Rodney, but there was still no stopping them.
‘Carrie, can I talk to you?’ Gemma caught her before they went off in different directions to their assigned cases, each of them as enthusiastic as they had been back on their first day.
‘Sure. Is everything OK?’ She knew full well what Gemma was going to say because Gemma had texted her enough times over the last few days to say how sorry she was about the photograph being ruined.
‘Of course it isn’t. I feel terrible after what happened.’
‘I completely overreacted, Gemma. And I’m so embarrassed. I should be apologising too. Abby’s only a little girl.’
‘Who was the boy in the photograph?’ Gemma asked and immediately added, ‘I know, none of my business. But, Carrie, if you ever need to talk, you have a lot of friends who would be willing to listen.’
‘Thanks, I appreciate it.’ Talking to Noah had been enough so she assured her friend that everything was fine between them and got on with the task in hand.
Carrie started her session by looking after Maisie, the three-year-old sibling of a baby girl in the NICU whose mum was having time with her newborn. Sometimes it wasn’t possible to find a babysitter and so this was part of the role as a volunteer, and Carrie passed the time with puzzles and playing shops, where she rung up plastic loaves of bread and a pretend burger bun on the till so Maisie could pack everything into a little bag to take home with her.
After she’d played with Maisie, Carrie cuddled baby Megan again, greeting her with familiarity and a smile. She adjusted the tubes and wires, which was a puzzle in itself but with the baby cradled against her she could tell Megan was improving since the last time they’d been together. She was a fighter through and through, putting on weight and getting stronger each day. Megan calmed quickly in her arms, perhaps recognising Carrie’s voice, maybe her smell, most likely realising how safe she was now. It was amazing the level of help you could give one of these children by such a small act of kindness.
Help was exactly what she’d wanted to give Lucas. But she hadn’t been able to, and no matter how much she tried to remind herself of Noah’s words and accept what had happened, all she kept thinking was that she’d failed the little boy.
‘Your T-shirts are awesome.’ Serena admired the motif of The Magnolia Girls when Carrie removed the plastic gown and gathered her things together after the session. ‘The media release is fabulous too – thanks for organising.’
‘No worries. The girls are glad to be famous.’ Carrie had produced a short write-up about the baby-cuddling program that would appear in local newspapers next week, and the girls had all had their photograph taken together. It was good publicity for the hospital, letting people know where they were, the sort of work they did.
Earlier that day an elderly gentleman had cornered Carrie and wanted to know all about the Magnolia Girls: who they were, what they did. He’d told her it was a wonderful thing they were doing. His wife had twins more than fifty years ago and he’d worked full time, they had no family. ‘What we would’ve done for a Magnolia Girl,’ he’d grinned, progressing his way down the corridor with the aid of his walking frame. Carrie had walked away wondering what his story was now. Where were the twins? Where was his wife?
But maybe that had always been her downfall. Lachlan had told her she always got too involved, and perhaps he was right. Then again, Noah had told her it was what made her the Carrie he knew.
‘Megan is much more settled,’ she told Serena now. ‘She fell asleep in my arms and much quicker than she usually does.’
‘She’s a tough one,’ Serena confirmed without looking up from her paperwork.
Carrie picked up her bag. ‘I’m off to the city tomorrow but I’ll be back for next Wednesday’s session.’ The truth was she wished she wasn’t going away for two nights. She wanted to be here to see Megan, satisfy herself with every bit of progress the baby made. She had a sudden, unwelcome thought of what it would be like to have her own baby. She couldn’t imagine ever leaving his or her side, one day letting her child out in the big, bad world where so many terrible things happened. You saw it on the news every day: children having accidents, predators lurking around every corner.
Serena finished whatever she was writing and stacked the papers together before slotting them into a brown folder. ‘Everything OK?’ Her harried manner dropped back a notch.
‘Sorry, yes.’ She shook herself back to reality. ‘I was just thinking about plans for the weekend,’ she lied.
‘Well, have a wonderful time.’ Serena stood and picked up a clipboard and they left her office together. ‘Are you staying with Lachlan? He’ll be glad to have you back.’
‘Unfortunately he’s still away on a conference. And I have to be out of the house this weekend because the floors at the house are being polished.’ She wasn’t sure whether she was entirely disappointed he wouldn’t be around. Since the day they’d fought and Noah had overheard, Lachlan had been nothing but nice on the phone and had backed off in his quest to get her back to full-time paediatrics, but since the moment between her and Noah and the kiss-that-never-was, work wasn’t the only confusion she had right now.
*
The weekend with Kristy was probably one of the best Carrie had had in a long time with her sister. They had the place to themselves with Kristy’s husband away, Kristy had swapped her Saturday morning shift with another medical receptionist, and they spent the afternoon trawling the Queen Victoria Market, buying up produce to make dinner ready for a girls’ night in with a movie and plenty of wine.
‘You seem different.’ Kristy scraped the sliced peppers and onions into the pan as Carrie took charge of the steak and prawns in Kristy’s kitchen. Two skillets were warming in the oven ready to set on the table in the centre where the tortillas were waiting, plus shredded lettuce, grated cheese and little pots containing sour cream and guacamole.
‘In what way?’ Carrie scooped the beef out with a slotted spoon and left it on kitchen towel while she cooked the prawns.
‘You seem more relaxed. I’m telling you, it’s Magnolia Creek. I might move up there myself one day. It’s cheaper, it’s beautiful and I expect it’s a wonderful place to bring up kids.’
‘Does this mean we’re going to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon? I thought you weren’t quite ready for that step.’ Carrie used oven gloves to take one skillet out of the oven. She took it over to the table and Kristy tipped on the cooked prawns at one end, the beef at the other.
‘I’m not – not yet. But long-term, I think being out of the city would be good for us. It’s certainly worked its charms on you.’
The sizzling, wafty smells of cooked meat snaked into the air and when Kristy declared the vegetables ready, Carrie took the other skillet to the table and Kristy did the honours again, putting the colourful selection on top of the piping-hot surface.
‘Let’s dig in.’ Carrie pulled out a chair. ‘I’m so hungry.’
Kristy joined her but not before she’d poured two glasses of crisp sauvignon blanc and they’d toasted to being sisters. ‘I don’t know how you survived with no kitchen for weeks, Carrie.’
‘I think I’ve learnt I don’t really like instant, microwavable meals, put it that way.’ Carrie laid a tortilla on her plate and, using a spoon, smoothed across some sour cream. She sprinkled the surface with lettuce, grated cheese, a few prawns and some steak, and then rolled it up into a cigar shape.
Kristy lost a prawn out the end of her fajita but plucked it from the plate and ate it separately. ‘How’s the garden coming along?’
‘I should send you photos; the grass is down and the pergola is looking good. I can’t wait for the bougainvillea to grow and add some colour.’
‘Listen to you. My sister the gardening expert.’
‘Hardly. Although Rosie leant me a beginner’s gardening book so I can learn some of the basics and hopefully manage to not kill anything off. And I’ve left the shed choices up to Noah – I’ve got no idea. What, why are you looking at me like that?’
‘Noah. Such a dreamboat name for a guy who isn’t far off the mark.’
Carrie picked up a second tortilla. ‘He’s a guy who’s not my type.’ Denial was the best way when she had no idea how she felt.
‘Talking of your type, how’s Lachlan?’
‘He’s on a conference at the moment but when he gets back he’ll come up to the house again.’
‘What I really mean is how is he, with this new arrangement? Not seeing you, not having you at the hospital.’ When Carrie’s face fell she said, ‘Come on, sis, I know what he’s like. He’s a wonderful man but he likes to have you at his side.’
Carrie reached forward to add some steak to the fajita she was putting together. ‘I think he’s coping OK.’
‘I always wondered what would happen when you left work eventually anyway, whether he’d be OK with it.’
‘I’m not sure I follow.’
‘When you have kids. You’ll be an entirely different woman then; you may want to really pull back from your career. Would he be happy for you to do that?’
‘Lachlan doesn’t want kids.’ She didn’t miss the strong draw in of breath from the other side of the table. She’d never once mentioned this to Kristy. They’d talked about kids over the years but Lachlan was the first man Carrie had been remotely serious about. He’d been there when they lost Lucas, when Carrie’s perception of the world altered. She’d gone from a confident woman riding the wave of a busy and rewarding career to one who’d begun to doubt herself. She’d seen kids in her future once upon a time but never spent much time thinking about it, until Lucas died under her care and everything caved in around her. It had been like pouring hot chocolate sauce onto an ice-cream dessert and watching on slowly as the sturdy, hard-packed lump of vanilla broke down and became liquid. The only way the vanilla could stand up in the future would be to not add the sauce in the first place.
‘You never told me.’ Kristy had stopped eating and was busy topping up both of their glasses of wine.
‘It’s no biggie.’
‘What do you mean, no biggie? It’s huge!’ Her wine glass almost reached her lips but she stopped. ‘Unless you’re telling me you don’t want kids either.’
‘And what’s wrong with that?’
‘Nothing, nothing at all. It’s just…well, you work with kids, you’re fantastic with them, and I’m sure whenever we’ve mentioned it in the past you’ve always seen them in your future.’
‘We’re not in the back garden playing with our dolls now,’ she quipped, thinking back to the games they’d played as little girls, pushing prams up and down the garden path with their baby-like dolls bundled up inside. ‘Things change.’ Carrie finished the last of her fajita.
‘I know they do. I’m just trying to figure out exactly what has changed, that’s all.’
She could turn this into a conversation about every woman’s right to choose, she could tell her sister the effect Lucas’s death had had on her confidence, or she could move on to something else. Carrie chose the third option. ‘When are you next coming over to Magnolia Creek?’
Kristy let her change of subject slide. ‘I’ll be there again soon enough, don’t you worry. I can’t wait to see what you’ve done with the place.’
Carrie had half of a third fajita before declaring herself too full to fit another thing in. ‘How about I clear up while you take the wine into the lounge, put on some music and get the wood burner going?’
‘Sounds good to me. Make sure you rinse the plates before they go in the dishwasher.’ Kristy rolled her eyes. ‘Mitch is completely anal about it. I keep telling him he’s doing the dishwasher a disservice not letting it actually wash the plates.’
Carrie sniggered. The dishwasher had long been a gripe between her sister and brother-in-law.
She cleared the plates, rinsed and stacked them in the dishwasher, and when the wood burner was going, Kristy washed the skillets and the bigger pans while Carrie grabbed a tea towel and dried.
Relaxing in the lounge, talk turned, as Carrie had known it would, back to her career. But this time she didn’t mind. What Noah had said to her made sense, and even though she still blamed herself for not getting to the root of Lucas’s problems before it was too late, talking to someone about it had helped her move the pieces around in her head so that rather than being an unsolvable mess, they were beginning, she felt, to fall in a more orderly fashion.
‘I need to explain what happened.’ The words were out of her mouth before she had a chance to reconsider. Maybe because of Noah’s understanding, she was at last able to talk to someone else, someone who knew her so well.
‘Only if you’re ready,’ said Kristy.
‘I think I am.’ Carrie smiled.
They talked, they hugged, and Carrie told her sister all about Lucas. She told Kristy the extent of the stress she’d been under, her need to escape everything and leave it behind.
‘No wonder you’ve been in pieces.’ Kristy hugged Carrie tight until they both giggled and she finally let her go. ‘I’m glad you told me.’
‘I’m glad too.’
‘Have you made any moves to find out about a permanent job again?’ Kristy asked. ‘Or is it too soon?’
‘I haven’t yet, but I will.’
‘Back in the city?’
‘At first I would’ve always said yes, but since being in Magnolia Creek I’m more taken with the place than I thought. I bought my little house out there because I knew I had to jump onto the property ladder before prices went up even more, even out in the country, and I wouldn’t be able to do it. And it gave me a different focus to throw all my energies into.’
‘Kind of a retail therapy?’ Kristy grinned from behind her glass.
‘I suppose it was. I set myself a budget though, didn’t go over the top, and it’s better than I ever imagined. Once upon a time I thought I’d rent it out, make some extra money.’
‘And now?’
Carrie put down her wine glass. ‘Now, I really don’t know.’
‘Why do I get the feeling you’re talking about more than the house?’
Carrie closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘You’re far too clever, you know.’ When she opened them she looked at Kristy. ‘When I walked away from my job I was at the point where I had to. I thought I’d have the time away and I’d be able to get back to the old Carrie again – you know, the Carrie who was in control, who knew exactly what she wanted and went out and got it.’
‘That Carrie is probably in there somewhere, she’s just a bit lost right now.’
‘That’s the thing.’ Carrie topped up both wine glasses. ‘I’m not sure if I want to find my way back to where I was before.’
‘But you worked so hard. Correction, you worked your arse off to get where you always wanted to be. I can’t imagine you throwing that all away.’
‘I won’t throw it away. I’ll get back to paediatrics, but I’m not too sure if I want to be in the big city hospital again, with the life I had before.’
‘You mean the life you have, or is it had, with Lachlan?’
Carrie’s brow furrowed as she made her admission. ‘He’s perfect in so many ways and I always thought we’d be together for good. It’s not him who’s changed, it’s me. I don’t know, being away from the daily grind, the conveyor belt I found myself on, I’ve had a chance to think more.’
‘Do you still want to be with him?’ When Carrie shrugged and didn’t meet her gaze, she said, ‘Oh, Carrie. I don’t know what to say.’
‘I really need to talk to him.’
‘And where does Noah fit in with all of this?’
‘Noah? What’s he got to do with it?’
‘You told me I was too clever, so I’m asking the obvious.’
‘Noah and I are two very different people who want very different things.’ This time she didn’t deny anything. ‘A physical attraction to someone only goes so far.’
Kristy jutted a finger into the air. ‘Aha! So you admit there’s an attraction.’
‘Like I said, it only goes so far. And real life isn’t like that.’
‘I think you need to really consider what you want, long-term. Don’t stay with Lachlan because you’re too worried that leaving him will be the wrong thing. I’d hate to see you unhappy.’
‘But you like Lachlan.’ It was the first time she’d ever detected an ounce of doubt from her sister.
‘I do like him. Look how he waited for you when you upped and left, how he’s supported you during this move, how he’s always waiting in the wings. He helped you pack all your things, he arranged the specialist removal firm to shift the baby grand piano to here – thank you, by the way, my rendition of ‘Chopsticks’ is coming on beautifully – and he treats you like a princess.’
Carrie jolted at the use of the word Noah had once applied to her. ‘Why do I sense there’s a “but”?’
‘I like him,’ Kristy began, ‘but there are things I don’t like. I’ve never interfered in your life, Carrie, never. Even back when you were dating Owen and I could see it was no more than a fling and I was worried you’d get hurt, I knew you’d say “I can look after myself”.’
‘I can.’
‘I know. But I’m going to be completely honest with you now, seeing as you’ve asked. I don’t trust him.’
‘You think he’s cheating on me?’
Kristy pulled a face and shook her head. ‘It’s a different sort of distrust. I don’t trust him not to hurt you. I don’t think he’ll break your heart, but I think he’ll hurt you without intending to. He has your back in so many ways, but I know you’ve felt pressure from him to return to work when something clearly happened. You don’t run away, Carrie, not unless you’re forced to, and I guess I feel as if a boyfriend – anyone who is genuine husband material – should support you no matter what you decide. I’m not sure Lachlan would. Will he stand by you if you never return to paediatrics? Can you see him doing that?’
‘Plenty of couples have different careers, go in different directions.’
Lachlan had come along with impeccable timing. Carrie had dated a couple of guys since Owen but then stopped being so flighty and gave everything to her career. Lachlan waltzed into her life and her plans with ease. Well-educated, attractive and attentive, Lachlan was a heart surgeon who just got her. He’d never question her own dedication to her job as previous boyfriends had sometimes done, and not having to explain yourself in a relationship was something Carrie found she appreciated. It made her feel settled, in control.
Lachlan had stood by her soon after Lucas died and he seemed to get where she was coming from, but the cracks were beginning to appear now as he was growing tired of her inability to put the past behind her. Kristy was right, he was unlikely to approve if she jacked in her job permanently, and even though she had no intention of doing that, surely the person you were with should support your choices if those were best for you in the long run.
‘I know they do,’ Kristy said in answer to her point. ‘But for you two, you were always in sync at the start and now you’re following different paths – not only in your careers. Could you ever see him taking to Magnolia Creek in the same way you have?’
‘You think we’re pulling apart as a couple.’
Kristy looked into her lap. ‘I’m sorry to be so honest, sis.’
‘No, don’t apologise. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.’ She knew it was time. Time to think about what she really wanted, out of her career and her personal life, from the sort of man she saw herself being with long-term to the house and town she wanted to live in.
‘How about we forget all your stresses and put a movie on?’ Kristy picked up on Carrie’s discomfort and, like any big sister, rallied round.
For the next couple of hours Carrie felt relaxed and managed to watch the movie without her mind drifting to any of the hassles that were evolving in her life, and by the time they’d finished and moved on to hot chocolates with extra marshmallows in the kitchen, Kristy wanted to know more about the house. ‘I bet those floors will look amazing.’
Carrie grinned. ‘I can’t wait to see them. They’d already been sanded before I left.’
‘I’ll bet that was dusty.’
‘It wasn’t too bad…lots of plastic sheets everywhere and he’d work when I was looking after Maria or up at the hospital.’
‘Are you ready to unpack all your books onto those shelves in the second lounge?’
‘I sure am, and I’m more than ready to get the wood burner going as soon as it’s winter.’
‘Are you ready to take your piano back?’
Carrie laughed. ‘I wondered how long you’d take to ask me that. I’m sorry it’s been in your way for so long. I’ve already called the piano removalists and they can take it up mid-week so will be here at nine o’clock on Wednesday morning. I can be here to supervise the collection if you’re not around.’
‘I’m happy to do it. I’m not at work until midday Wednesday.’
‘Thanks, Kristy. Not just for storing the piano, but for being here to talk to this weekend.’
‘Took you long enough to confide in me,’ she answered cheekily.
‘Yeah, sometimes I forget I need my older sister.’
‘Everyone needs someone, Carrie.’
She was fast beginning to realise how true that actually was.