Chapter Twenty-One
Even when ending a relationship is your decision, it still hurts. Deep down you know it’s for the best, but all the history, the memories, the direction you thought you were heading in have changed and it isn’t simply a matter of clicking your fingers for everything to fall into place.
Carrie had driven home from the city in a daze, pulling over just outside of Melbourne at a café where she spent a couple of hours drinking coffee, looking out at passers-by, thinking about the time she’d had with Lachlan, thinking about Noah and the lengths to which he’d gone to help her. Noah was completely different from any man she’d ever been interested in. The men in her life were usually high-flyers, confident and brooding, but Noah wore his heart on his sleeve, was down to earth and seemed content with what life gave him.
A place came up at nursery for Maria and after a busy few days baby cuddling and planning her housewarming party now the renovations were finished, today was Carrie’s last day in her nannying job. She decided they’d mark the occasion with a stroll into Magnolia Creek, so, bundled up in their winter coats, she and Maria headed for town. Winter was well and truly in the air. Some days were glorious and sunny; other days saw the leaves whipping around your feet, the gentle breeze replaced by a biting wind that hinted at the cooler temperatures yet to arrive.
At the chocolaterie Carrie bought Maria a small packet of buttons and herself a steaming hot chocolate, which she intended to drink as she walked along Main Street. Maria had given up her daytime nap altogether now, but even if she sat in her stroller and didn’t sleep, the trundling along the pavements with nothing but the fresh air and lulling sounds all around helped calm her.
Carrie left the chocolaterie, but with one hand steering the stroller, her other holding the takeaway cup, her driving skills were questionable and she collided with Noah, her hot chocolate sloshing out the spout of the plastic lid enough to spill down the front of his shirt.
‘I’m so sorry!’ With her free hand she bent down for the wipes stowed beneath the stroller. ‘I should look where I’m going.’ She hadn’t seen him since that day at the petrol station, and her failure to deny her feelings for him when Lachlan asked had almost been an admission to herself too.
‘Carrie, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.’
‘No, no it’s not.’ Where were those wipes? She could’ve sworn they were in here a second ago.
‘Carrie, leave it. I’m on my way to the fire station anyway; I’ll be getting filthy dirty and, hey, I’m a gardener – I’m not supposed to look smart.’
‘You’ve got a point.’ She stood up and faced him. ‘So you’re doing the training today?’
‘I told you Owen wouldn’t let me forget about it. How did the interview go?’
She wondered what his reaction would be as she told him, ‘I got the job.’
‘That’s fantastic news. I’m really pleased for you.’ He held her gaze for a moment longer. ‘I’d better get going or I’ll be late.’
‘Noah…’ Her voice stopped him before he could escape. ‘Will I see you at my housewarming tonight?’ She’d dropped an invite through his door, in the middle of the afternoon a few days ago, knowing full well he’d be out at work.
‘You betcha.’ He smiled at her and went on his way.
She’d almost mentioned Brenda and his role in arranging for her to come up to Magnolia Creek and lay the past to rest, but she was scared. Scared that when she did, he’d tell her he couldn’t help his feelings but there was no future for them as anything more than friends, they were too different, he wanted a family and she didn’t. Truth was, she didn’t really know what she wanted anymore. All she knew was that Noah was a man who didn’t deserve to be messed around.
‘Carrie…’ Noah called out from way past the chocolaterie as Carrie had begun to push the stroller away in the opposite direction. Almost at the bend in the road, he’d waited for her to turn round before he hollered, ‘When you get home later, there’ll be a bit of a surprise for you.’
She clapped her hands together. ‘My shed? Finally!’ She put both thumbs up at him and Maria, chocolate squished all over her face, did the same.
*
Leaving Maria for the final time later that day was sad, but Carrie knew she was moving on to another stage now. She drove the short distance home, parked up outside, and rather than go in the front, excitedly let herself in through the new back gate to see her surprise. Noah had been there really early that morning getting everything ready.
She pushed open the gate and her mouth fell open. She walked slowly down the paved pathway at the edge of the garden towards the new shed. Which was actually a bit more than just a shed. The wooden structure was almost hexagonal and nestled neatly in the far left corner of the garden. It was painted with a sky blue colourwash and the trims on the half-glazed double doors that would open out onto the garden were finished in a rich cream. Little boxes sat beneath the windows and already she could envisage putting colourful flowers in there. She almost wanted to run down to the florist’s now and pick out something she’d like.
‘Go inside.’ She hadn’t heard him come in the back gate, but Noah was suddenly there, right next to her.
‘You gave me a fright.’ She took in his clean-shaven jaw, the pale blue button-down shirt teamed with well-fitted jeans and a clean pair of leather Blundstones – not an outfit she usually saw him in, yet it was completely Noah.
He smiled back at her. ‘Go inside.’ He gestured towards the shed.
She turned the handles on the doors and pulled them open, stepped inside. The scent of the wood was intoxicating. ‘It’s nice and warm in here,’ she said, marvelling at the structure, looking up at the ceiling, her hands tracing the walls as she thought about the home she’d created up here in Magnolia Creek, this cosy place being the finishing touch to her project. ‘I can imagine sitting in here when the winter rain comes again, listening to it tapping on the roof —’
‘Making a run for it to go back inside the house.’ He laughed and she joined in.
‘OK, mine was the romantic approach, you’re being realistic.’
‘Nothing wrong with that.’ His gaze held hers until he beckoned her outside the shed. ‘I took the liberty of adding a little touch.’ He reached down beneath one of the window boxes, there was an almost imperceptible click, and the fairy lights he must’ve put up all around the doorway and beneath the roof line lit up like a million stars.
‘Noah!’ She grinned, she couldn’t stop. ‘It’s beautiful. I don’t know how to thank you.’ She had plenty more to thank him for, but not just yet.
He looked away as though he didn’t really want her thanks. He did all these things but never seemed to want to claim credit for any of them. It was as though they were all in a day’s work for him. She was beginning to realise it was another quality that set him apart from the other men she’d known.
‘Stay there, don’t move,’ she instructed, suddenly having a thought. He obeyed and she trotted across the garden, opened up the back door and when she came out she had the sign in her hand. She shut the doors to the summerhouse – it was way too fancy to call a shed – and hung the ‘Woman Cave’ sign across both handles. ‘There, perfect. I can’t wait to show the girls at tonight’s party.’
‘They’ll all want one.’ His smile reached his eyes.
‘Speaking of the party, I’d better get organised or my guests will be here and I’ll have nothing to give them to eat and drink.’ She desperately wanted to talk about Brenda, about what she now knew, but it was a conversation she didn’t want to rush. She needed to know exactly where each of them stood and where they went, if anywhere, from here.
*
‘Carrie!’ Gemma and Andrew arrived at the party first, bringing with them an enormous basket of chocolate samples. ‘Happy housewarming!’ Gemma held the basket over one arm and hugged her friend with the other. ‘Andrew made far too many mini Easter eggs this year so these, believe it or not’ – she nodded to the basket filled with a myriad of colour – ‘are more leftovers.’
‘Thank you, Andrew. I know how great they taste given how many I ate myself this year, and I doubt these will last five minutes once people spot them. Your chocolate is pretty legendary.’ She took the basket through to the kitchen.
‘This place is completely gorgeous.’ Gemma was taking in all the finishing touches that had gone in since she’d last seen the place. She moved to the lounge and spotted the photo frame Abby had given Carrie. ‘Isn’t this…’
Carrie nodded. ‘I managed to find a replacement,’ she said, referring to the photo of her and Lucas.
‘Andrew let her play with the coloured foil we wrap the eggs in, to make a big collage, and she was really concerned before she ripped it all up. I think she realises she can’t destroy everything she finds. Or at least I hope she knows that now.’
‘I’m so sorry. I overreacted, and she’s just a kid.’
Gemma put a hand on Carrie’s. ‘I don’t know anything about that photo. Maybe you’ll tell me one day, but don’t go apologising. Abby’s young, she’s resilient, she still loves you.’
‘I’m glad.’ Carrie smiled at Andrew, who had asked permission to have a nose around and had returned from checking out the upstairs. ‘What do you think?’ she asked him.
‘You’ve done a wonderful job, you must be thrilled. I can’t begin to imagine how much work it took to get the place looking like this.’
‘Owen and Noah worked really hard; I’d recommend them to anyone.’
‘Oh, no, don’t go giving Gemma any ideas – at least not yet. Now, where should I put this?’ He was still carrying the bottle of champagne he’d brought over.
‘Wow, chocolates and champagne.’ She nudged Gemma. ‘No wonder you married him.’ She smiled at Andrew and told him to pop it in the fridge.
‘I’ll love him more if he consents to us getting an adorable window seat in the bedroom, and a wood burner for the lounge.’ She tried her luck with her husband and he laughed his way out towards the back garden, where everyone else was gathering.
The sun had given up a couple of hours ago but, thankful for the dry weather, Carrie had opened up the back door to let people mill in the beautiful garden. They’d come in if it got too cold but the Harrisons had lent Carrie two outdoor heaters so she had a feeling everyone would be just fine. Owen had helped put twinkly lights around the pergola too, and some were strung along the house beneath the guttering, and with the lights Noah had added, the garden came alive in the depths of the darkness surrounding the transformed little house at the top of the hill.
Rosie cradled Tyler in her arms when they arrived and sat in the lounge to feed him, and after everyone had oohed and aahed at the baby, Owen took over. He’d brought a BabyBjörn along with him, and watching him try to figure out how to put it on – let alone slot the baby in safely – kept many of the guests amused. ‘I should have taken lessons from my brother Tom – he’s a whiz with one of these things.’
Owen’s parents, Jane and Michael, arrived with two enormous platters of all kinds of sushi, Mal from the gift shop brought a chicken salad as well as a guacamole dip, Bella had over-catered as usual and made two trips because she wasn’t letting Rodney hold anything heavy for now. He’d shaken his head, clearly fed up with being mollycoddled, but Carrie suspected that, deep down, he was loving every minute of getting the attention and Bella was enjoying every second of giving it. Stephanie represented her family by coming along with her boyfriend, a German boy who seemed very pleasant and smiled a lot, and her parents sent their apologies but the Magnolia Tavern had to stay open for business. Julie from Magnolia House turned up, Carrie’s sister and her husband came, and that evening it was a house full of fun, laughter and, above all, friendship.
The food was devoured, drinks were poured and savoured. Carrie did the tour of the house more times than she could remember, and everyone congratulated her on a stunning renovation, begging her to make it her proper home for good.
Part way through the night, as everyone congregated outside beneath the pergola, on the decking or inside the summerhouse, Carrie stood at the edge of the garden, climbed on top of a set of kitchen steps she usually had tucked away in the laundry, and clinked a spoon gently against her glass.
‘Speech!’ Bella hollered, as though Carrie was at a big wedding and people wouldn’t know she was standing there unless they were told.
‘Thank you, Bella,’ Carrie grinned. ‘Only a quick one. I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for coming along tonight.’
‘Wouldn’t miss a party for the world,’ Gemma called across the garden from where she’d taken charge of baby Tyler and was sitting on the base of the pergola, cuddling him against her.
‘Thank you for all the generosity: the food, the drinks, the gifts people brought me. I’m truly touched and I feel a real part of this town. It wasn’t something I thought would ever happen. I was a city girl buying a house in the country, but you’ve all shown me that Magnolia Creek is something quite special, a place where people care about each other. Without being nosy parkers of course.’ She raised a few laughs and even a round of applause. ‘So if you’ll charge your glasses, I won’t run on any longer. Cheers. To Magnolia Creek and to all who live here.’
‘To Magnolia Creek!’ the crowd chorused.
Carrie stepped down off the stool but Bella was up next. ‘You stay there,’ she instructed before Carrie could walk away. Lucky for her, too, because when she wobbled, Carrie steadied her.
‘How much have you had to drink?’ Andrew called across the garden.
‘Not enough!’ Bella called back, steadier on her feet by now. ‘Like Carrie, I won’t drone on for ages with a long speech, but I felt I should say something. This girl…’ She looked at Carrie with a fondness that took Carrie’s breath away. ‘…is kind, thoughtful, generous and a real friend. And she’s bloody beautiful and clever too. I’d hate her if she wasn’t so damn nice!’ The crowd roared with laughter this time. ‘Here in Magnolia Creek we like to welcome strangers and treat them as our own. It doesn’t always work with the tourists, but with Carrie, I feel like we’ve got a firm enough grip of her that she won’t ever forget us. No matter whether she’s here on and off and based in the city in that fancy job of hers, I know this girl is a keeper.’
Carrie felt tears form in her eyes. Nobody outside of her family had ever been so kind to her, given her such unconditional love. In the city, in her job, she was part of something amazing, but she was part of something incredible here, too. She’d never thought anything could be as big as her career, but it truly was.
‘To Carrie!’ the crowd chorused.
Gemma, Bella, Rosie and Carrie huddled together in a group hug and after she grabbed a big torch Carrie took them over to the summerhouse, where they chatted away making grand plans of popping the corks on bottles of champagne, being taste testers for Andrew’s new chocolate recipes, gossiping late into the night the way old friends did.
‘You girls have made Magnolia Creek the epitome of community life.’ Carrie had positioned the torch on its end so it illuminated most of the summerhouse. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, Bella was leaning against the doorway with one eye on Rodney outside to ensure he was OK, Rosie had shut her eyes, exhausted from sleepless nights but elated from new-mum euphoria, and Gemma sat down next to Carrie. ‘I’ve had friends before, but they never went from friends to lifelong friends. Does that make any sense?’
‘It does.’ Gemma smiled at her. ‘You’ve given your all to your career but you’re only human, and I’m glad we found you.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me three,’ Rosie muttered from where she was still lying.
Gemma giggled and tapped Rosie’s foot with her own. ‘You realise Owen’s passing Tyler between the guests out there, don’t you?’
‘Fine by me,’ she muttered, eyes still shut. ‘The more the merrier.’
‘You know we need to make another toast,’ Bella announced. ‘We haven’t toasted the Magnolia Girls yet. And I think they deserve the biggest congratulations of all.’
All four of them raised whatever glass they had, whether champagne or water or in Gemma’s case a white wine spritzer. ‘To the Magnolia Girls,’ they said in unison.
‘I meant what I said out there, when I made my speech,’ said Carrie, ‘but I need to tell you…all of you…that without the Magnolia Girls, I’m not sure I would be quite so together right now. I would’ve hidden away up in this house, I wouldn’t have realised how special friends could become. I could always rely on my family but it means so much to know I can count on any one of you, and in return I’d walk on hot coals for you guys.’
‘Now I don’t think that’ll be necessary.’ Bella, mouth with her trademark red lipstick, couldn’t hide the wobble in her voice, the air of pride, the air of inclusion, a sense of belonging she seemed to want everyone in her presence to feel.
‘Getting back to the workplace or anywhere near a hospital has been difficult for me.’ Carrie looked down but then, head up again, she made eye contact with the others in turn. ‘I never could’ve done it without your help. You made me realise I’m not less of a person for falling apart – I’m a much better person. In the city it was as though only part of me came to life, whereas here, you’ve got the whole Carrie.’
Gemma whistled through her teeth. ‘That’s a whole lot of Carrie.’
Carrie giggled. ‘I won’t ever forget you. Any of you.’
‘Of course you won’t.’ Bella hugged her. ‘We won’t let you. Magnolia Creek is your home now, whenever you want or need it to be.’
‘Thank you.’ She’d tell them about Lachlan soon, but, for now, she wanted this to just be about her, about all of them. ‘Did I hear someone mention Molly is on her way back to Australia in the next few weeks?’
Gemma grinned. ‘She is. Andrew’s overexcited already and Abby can’t wait to see her. “Auntie Molly”, she says over and over again each morning, and she’s even got a calendar on her wall to mark off the days till she arrives. And I’ve already ordered her a T-shirt.’
Rosie piped up. ‘Gemma here thinks she’ll get Molly to come baby cuddling with us and it’ll make her so clucky that she and Ben soon have one of their own.’
‘It’s true,’ Gemma admitted. ‘Although she’s already a midwife so she gets her fair share of baby love. I think it’s more that I want her to feel a part of things here.’
‘I can relate to that,’ said Carrie. ‘You lot are like witches…good witches,’ she added hastily, ‘bringing people into your group, casting your spells so they don’t ever want to say goodbye.’
Bella wiggled her fingers on both hands in the air. ‘We have our ways. It worked on you after all.’
‘I can’t deny it.’
Rosie smiled. ‘Molly had so many questions for me when she called after Tyler was born. Carrie, you can tell her all about delivering a baby on the lounge-room floor, and I shall tell her how amazing you were. Even Noah was impressive that night. I think he did well not to show me how terrified he must’ve been.’
Carrie smiled at the memory. ‘He wasn’t a bad support partner in my hour of need.’
Rosie sniggered. ‘Your hour of need. Really?’
‘Don’t underestimate how hard it was for me,’ Carrie said, deadpan. ‘While you were lolling about on the sofa there I was wondering how I was going to stop you from completely ruining my floors, my upholstery.’
‘I don’t know how you did it,’ Rosie chided with good humour.
‘Watch out – there’s a man approaching the woman cave,’ Bella warned.
Owen poked his head around the door. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting.’
‘You are.’ Rosie had taken to lying down again, eyes shut as far as Carrie could see in the dim torchlight.
‘Tyler’s had enough,’ Owen said, trying to see Rosie too, but they only heard her as she groaned and sat up.
‘I guess that’s me done,’ said Rosie, hugging each of the Magnolia Girls in turn. ‘These days, Tyler is the boss of me.’
‘Don’t you forget it,’ Bella called after her. ‘Actually, I’d better get going. Rodney should be taking it easy and we’ve been here for a while so I want to get him home. I’ll tell him I have a headache.’ She winked at Gemma and Carrie. ‘Don’t want him getting all uppity because he thinks I’m making a fuss.’
When the others left, Carrie brought the torch out of the summerhouse and she and Gemma shut the double doors. Some people had already left, Jane and Michael Harrison were calling it a night, Kristy had left to return to her own place, Mal said his goodbyes and Stephanie had already disappeared with her boyfriend.
Carrie dismissed all offers of help with the washing up as the crowd gradually peeled away and quietness fell around the house, but in the kitchen she surveyed the mess and almost wished she’d taken someone up on the offer. When she heard a noise behind her she turned to find Noah, the last remaining guest, leaning against the back door watching her.
‘The summerhouse was a hit.’ She scraped the remains of a winter salad into the bin. ‘And the fairy lights all over the garden were spectacular.’
‘You pulled off a brilliant party.’ He shifted beneath her gaze. ‘Come on, let me help clean up. You didn’t let anyone else but I’d be happy to.’
She shut the back door. ‘First, come with me.’ She beckoned to him to follow her.
‘Where are we going?’
She led him into the library. ‘I don’t want your help cleaning up, but you can get this wood burner going for me if you don’t mind. I can fix us another drink. Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?’
‘Tea sounds good.’
Carrie left the washing up and made the tea instead, and when she took both mugs into the library Noah was shutting the miniature door on the front of the wood burner. ‘It shouldn’t take long to heat the room up.’
Carrie passed him one of the mugs and they sat on the single sofa nestled in the bay window as the fire took hold and gentle flickering flames became more intense. The baby grand sat proudly in the middle of the room, offset enough that it didn’t obscure the view of the wood burner from where they were.
‘It’ll get really hot in here.’ Noah took a sip of tea and set his mug down on the coaster on the side table. ‘Owen ran it a few times already, didn’t he?’
‘He said I’d appreciate him getting rid of the smell when I was out at work. It still has the faint chemical whiff of being new but it isn’t too bad, is it?’
‘Not at all.’ He sniffed the air in case he’d missed something. ‘Well done to Owen; he’s a great guy – one of the best.’
‘He is, and I’m glad I met him because I would never have come to Magnolia Creek otherwise. I never would’ve even thought to buy a property this far out of the city.’
‘I never thought you could do country. From the day you turned up and I saw you with those immaculate white thongs on your feet, I gave you a couple of weeks at most before you hotfooted it back to the big smoke.’
‘Is that so?’ Her tone light, she asked, ‘And now? What’s your opinion of Princess Carrie these days?’
‘I’d say the princess is reasonably down to earth. But she’s going back to her kingdom, back to the city. All this will soon be a distant memory.’
‘I’ll be back, you know.’
‘I think you will, but I think you’ll base yourself in Melbourne. You took the job and I’m pleased for you. I guess I always knew you would.’
‘Boy, you really know how to make assumptions, don’t you?’
‘It’s true, you got the job.’
‘I did, but it’s a year’s contract. I’ll still be baby cuddling at the hospital near here, I still want to see the friends I’ve made, and I think the change of environment will help me know after a year how I feel, whether a quieter hospital or a city hospital is best for me.’
Noah lifted his mug and gulped back a few mouthfuls of tea.
‘I need to talk about something with you.’ The words were out before she could change her mind, because it was time they got everything out in the open.
‘Go on.’
‘I know it was you.’
‘What was me?’
‘You got in touch with Lachlan, pulled the strings that needed to be pulled to get in touch with Lucas’s mum.’
‘Ah, I did wonder how long it would take the boyfriend to blab.’ He wasn’t annoyed, more resigned to what must’ve happened.
‘He didn’t mean to let it slip.’ Carrie remembered back to that day in the city after the restaurant, how hurt Lachlan must’ve been. ‘But I’m glad he did. Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I didn’t do it to score points, Carrie; I’m not like that. I’m not university educated, rolling in qualifications with a job and a salary to startle the average person. I can’t compete with that and I’d never try to.’
She was taken aback. ‘Why would you ever want to?’
‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’
‘You should never compete. Being yourself is the best thing you can do.’
‘I agree.’ He didn’t break eye contact.
‘I didn’t like you much at first.’ The upturned corners of her mouth gave away a fritter of amusement. ‘But you’ve turned out to be a really good man.’
‘I do my best.’ His eyes twinkled with mirth.
‘Don’t joke, Noah. I’m trying to be serious and tell you how I feel. Because when I start my job I won’t be around here much, and I feel like I need to get things clear before I go.’
‘Do you have feelings for me?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’
‘It is, but I want to hear you say it, so I can get things clear in my own head.’
‘I do have feelings for you, yes.’
What would Lachlan have to say about that?’
‘Lachlan knows.’ She felt him shift on the sofa next to her. ‘The day of the job interview, he guessed.’
‘So, a doctor and a mind-reader is he?’
She sighed because his comment was delivered without the usual undertones of amusement. ‘You seem to have an enormous chip on your shoulder that gets in the way of letting normal conversation slip by you.’
‘That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?’ He knocked back the rest of his tea but Carrie wasn’t going to let him escape yet.
She took off her cardigan. The heat in the room hadn’t taken long to build from the wood burner. ‘You used to call me Princess, you thought I was completely up myself, a snob, whatever…’ She held up a hand to put a stop to any protest he might try. ‘But even you admit that you were wrong. So I don’t understand. Why do you still feel like you have to compete with men like Lachlan?’
He leaned forward, arms resting along his broad thighs. He clasped his hands together. ‘Lachlan is one of your people. He gets what you’re about and you do him. He can give you the big house in the suburbs, the wining and dining in the city, the life you’ve worked for and deserve.’
‘Maybe it’s not what I want anymore.’
He turned to face her. ‘Can you honestly say you don’t?’ He mistook her hesitation for confirmation.
‘Noah, don’t go.’ She put out an arm to stop him.
‘I have to, Carrie. And you need to go back to the city, back to Lachlan.’
‘Lachlan and I broke up.’
Her announcement took him by surprise but within seconds he’d gathered himself. ‘I’ll put this cup in the kitchen and walk home.’
Carrie followed him out and blocked the kitchen doorway once he’d deposited his cup in the sink. She really had changed, because the dirty bowls and glasses strewn across the benchtops didn’t even faze her. ‘What are you afraid of, Noah? You usually tell it how it is. Or at least you do when it’s about someone else’s life. But what about you? Why don’t you see what’s right in front of you? I’ve just told you I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, I’m interested in you, and yet you still stand there and are prepared to walk away.’
He leaned against the sink and turned to face her, arms folded across his chest. ‘I wanted to marry my childhood sweetheart,’ he shrugged, as though the revelation was completely ridiculous. ‘Crazy notion in this day and age but we met at sixteen, were still together at nineteen, and by the age of twenty-one, when most of my mates were sowing their wild oats, I wanted nothing more than to shack up with my girlfriend and stay that way. We were both from the country, our families lived nearby. It couldn’t have been a more perfect picture in my mind.’
‘What happened?’
‘She found the city. She tried to encourage me to move there with her, while we were young. She insisted she still wanted me. Anyway, I stayed where I was while she went to university, moved closer to the city, and one night I turned up to surprise her thinking perhaps I’d closed my eyes to the possibilities of living somewhere else.’ He took a deep breath. ‘She was in bed with another guy. I yelled, I punched him, he ran off. My girlfriend and I fought, we screamed, and then we decided we’d give it another go. She lasted a week before she came to tell me she wanted to be with him, Phillip, and they were getting engaged.’
He harrumphed. ‘I’d suggested marriage and she’d never been interested, yet here she was jumping into it with someone she barely knew. He was a hedge fund manager, whatever one of those is…the only hedges I know are out there.’ He pointed into the blackness beyond the kitchen window and shared a smile with Carrie. ‘Anyway, last I heard they were married, expecting a baby and settled in a suburb near the city. My parents stayed friends with her parents,’ he said to explain how he knew all this. ‘You know what it’s like in a small town.’
‘Has there been anyone for you since?’
His laughter bounced off the kitchen walls. ‘Do you think I’ve been celibate for more than ten years?’
‘Sorry, that was a ridiculous question.’
‘I’ve had girlfriends but nobody has ever come close to being special. Not until I met you.’
Carrie’s heart beat faster but plummeted when he spoke again.
‘I know you say it’s over with Lachlan, but I’m not sure it’ll be over forever. You can’t change so much, so quickly, Carrie, you just can’t. I’ve been the same man for years. I live here, I do the same job each day, and I love my life. How do I know you won’t get fed up and go back full time to the city?’
She couldn’t answer that, because she didn’t even know herself.
‘When I saw Lachlan the other day, I was way out of my depth.’ Noah’s jaw tensed. ‘I wasn’t scared of him, but I knew he had the power, the upper hand, because of everything he is and everything he could offer you. That’s why it wasn’t so ridiculous for him to ask me to stay away, and I was willing to back off if you were going to be happy.’
‘Noah, I spent a lot of time thinking I was really happy. I worked long hours, Lachlan and I were good together. We dined out, we had a group of friends, we holidayed in far-off places. But I think we were able to stay together because we barely saw one another.
‘Do you know,’ she said, watching Noah looking at the garden beyond, his back to her now as though it was the only way he could think of what to say next, ‘I never spent as many hours alone with Lachlan as I have with you and Owen. Renovating this house, we were in one another’s faces, climbing over each other – literally, on some days. If Lachlan and I had ever done that, we would’ve killed each other!’
She stepped forward and joined him at the sink, facing the opposite way with her back against it and her arm nearly touching his. ‘Lachlan did love me in his own way, but he never saw me in the way you do.’
‘Of course he did. He must’ve been worried to compromise his career by getting in touch with Brenda.’
Carrie shook her head. ‘Lachlan has always been seen to be doing the right thing, but it doesn’t necessarily come from the heart. I think it’s how he came to be such a good surgeon. He does care but he has a drive that moves on past any of the other stuff, regardless of it sometimes, and that’s what makes him great. But I think he needs a girlfriend who complements him, not one who stopped understanding what drove and motivated him a long time ago.’
Noah turned so he was leaning his back against the sink like Carrie. ‘Did you buy a property because of what happened at work or because of what was going on in your personal life?’
‘A bit of both. I was running away from everything. But what I didn’t realise was that I was running towards something too, towards a different pace of life.’
In the gesture that had become familiar to her over time, Noah reached a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck.
She turned to look up at him. ‘The truth is, I became scared of the unknown, frightened I couldn’t do my job in the way I was supposed to. And it’s you who made me see that my stress in my job, my feelings over Lucas…well, they aren’t a weakness, they’re a strength. I can’t give you any guarantees Noah. I may decide in a year’s time that I wholly want to return to the city, although being here now in my own home, I doubt that. But don’t you see – you’re the same as me in some ways?’
‘What, I don’t like to get my hands dirty?’ He nudged her and it made her smile.
‘You’re happy here, you’re content, but maybe you need to realise that not everything slots into neat little compartments in life; sometimes edges are fuzzy, shapes don’t always fit, but it doesn’t mean changes can’t happen.’
‘OK, you’re speaking all clever now. I don’t understand.’
‘Don’t joke.’
He hesitated but only for a moment. ‘You and Lachlan looked right together. I’m worried I’ll never be able to give you everything he could.’
‘Appearances can be deceptive.’ She let the silence hover between them. ‘I always went for men who were either risky or top of their game and I was so busy building my career that I wasn’t thinking about the future, at least not in my personal life. Leaving everything behind and running away, I was forced to take a step back, look at the bigger picture.’ She allowed a glimmer of a smile to show through. ‘I’ve always been confident, gone for what I wanted, and I guess that’s what has made me finally tell you how I feel. But I’m not so sure of myself that I don’t worry you’ll always see me as different, you’ll resent my commitment to my job if I work long hours, weekends, night shifts. It’s not ideal for a good home life, and that’s where I worry I won’t be enough for you.’
‘And what about a family?’ Finally, he was being open with her and it was like a breath of fresh air. ‘I’ve always been honest about what I wanted, perhaps too honest. It’s one of my faults, so I’m told.’ He allowed himself a tiny smile.
‘I don’t think anyone can say it’s a fault.’ She was still staring back at him. ‘Right now, anything more than settling into a new job just isn’t on my radar. But I’m not completely closed to the idea. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?’ He’d gone silent again and she nudged him. ‘It’s not like you to worry about other men, be concerned about competition.’ She grinned, hoping her humour would lift his spirits. ‘You strike me as a take-me-or-leave-me type of Aussie bloke.’
‘I am, usually. Except with you it kind of matters more. I guess it’s the wanting what you don’t think you can ever have.’ He sighed. ‘The man bought you a piano for fuck’s sake. As soon as you said it was a gift, I knew it was from him. Do you know how much they cost? He took you on holidays, bought you anything you wanted.’
He’d bought her a house and a diamond ring too, but none of it mattered. ‘There’s more to life, Noah. Can’t you see I’m scared too?’
‘I could never offer the grand gestures that Lachlan can.’
‘You kind of did.’ When he looked at her quizzically she said, ‘The shed. Kind of a very grand gesture, don’t you think?’
He began to laugh. ‘I suppose it is, but it’s not exactly romantic.’
‘I don’t know about that.’ She thought about her conversation with Kristy, how it was less about the gesture itself and more about the feelings behind it.
An owl hooted outside reminding them it was night-time. Carrie felt her mouth go dry. She’d laid her heart on the line but Noah didn’t seem as though he wanted to make any move at all, now or ever. He didn’t seem to be able to move past this assumption that he’d never be able to compete.
She heard him take a deep breath and braced herself for him to walk away, tell her that it was never going to happen.
But then, he was in front of her and he put his hands around the back of her neck, leaning down until their faces were inches apart. ‘I guess it’s time I told you exactly what I wanted.’ He didn’t look away. ‘I’ve wanted you since the day I saw you half naked in your bathroom.’
She blushed at the memory but when she looked down he lifted her chin up again with his fingers beneath so she was forced to look at him and stay close.
‘Do you think we can make a real go of this?’ he asked.
She breathed in the heady smell of his aftershave and shampoo, not daring to say anything else out loud in case he was too afraid to do the same.
But when he lowered his lips to hers and kissed her, she had her answer. He was in this for keeps, just as much as she was.