Chapter Thirty

Mia

My heart felt like a steel ball in my chest pounding against my breastbone as I stared down at my bathroom counter. My world had tilted off its axis. I shook my head, not believing what I was seeing. It couldn’t be real.

“Oh my God,” I muttered, picking up the stick with the two blue lines.

I had gone through the same routine yesterday morning with a different brand of pregnancy test. The result had been the same. I was pregnant. On a whim, I had bought a test on Wednesday. I never expected it to be positive. I couldn’t even explain why I’d been prompted to buy the test. It must have been some kind of intuition. My body just knew.

At first, I had thought it was all in my head. I didn’t believe it was possible. Back when I had first started using the Depo-Provera shot for birth control, the doctor had told me to be aware that it was sometimes difficult for women to get pregnant right away after use was discontinued. She had given me the worst-case scenario. I had gotten it in my head that it would take months of being off the shot before I could even think about trying.

The week before Brad first contacted me, I had been extra busy and hadn’t gone in for my shot. It wasn’t like I’d planned on having a sexual relationship. I had been late with my shot before and been okay, although I hadn’t been having a lot of sex, and when I did, I insisted on condoms. Brad was a different story. It had been innocent flirtation and then he was in my bed in a whirlwind of wild and crazy sex. It never occurred to me that I hadn’t gotten the shot until I started feeling queasy in the morning after returning from LA.

I was pregnant, and I couldn’t believe it was happening. While I’d been telling Brad I wanted a baby, I had already been pregnant. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I knew I should be stressed and freaking out, but I would have time for that later. Right now I just wanted to be happy. I knew there were risks and things could go wrong, but at the moment, I was pregnant. I had life growing inside me, and I wanted to take a minute to really enjoy it.

After tossing the pee sticks in a drawer in the bathroom, I got ready for work. I looked at my closet and thought about the new wardrobe I would need to accommodate my growing belly. It also gave me an idea for a new article. Everyone knew maternity fashion was a sorely lacking industry. Maybe I could change that, or at least highlight the designers who did dress pregnant women in a way that made them still feel fashionable and beautiful.

I called my mom on the way into work and asked her to meet me for dinner. I had to tell her my big news. It didn’t seem the right time to tell Brad, but I had to tell someone!

“Hi,” she said when she met me outside the Italian restaurant we had agreed on.

“Hi, Mom,” I said. My excitement must have been obvious.

“What? Tell me,” she said. “What’s happened?”

“Let’s get our table,” I said, wanting her to be sitting down when I told her.

She eyed me suspiciously. “Fine.”

Once we sat down and the waiter had taken our drink orders and gone, she looked at me, questions written all over her face. “What’s up? Tell me.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Her mouth fell open. “On purpose?” she asked hesitantly.

I laughed. “No, not exactly, but I’m not upset about it either.”

She was smiling so big I could practically see her molars. “Brad?”

“Yes! Of course Brad. Geez, Mom, I haven’t exactly been bed hopping.”

She giggled. “I just wanted to make sure. It’s never safe to assume anything these days. How far along are you?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I would guess only a few weeks. Seriously, it can only be Brad’s, and he’s only been back in my life for a month.”

She was still grinning. “I’m so happy for you.”

Suddenly, I was slapped with an overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my face before I knew what was happening. What an idiot I had been. I’d let myself fall in love with a man who didn’t love me back. I had been a fool at the age of twenty-four and gotten hurt. That could almost be excusable, but to fall back in love with the same man all over again at thirty-four was just stupid and naïve.

“What’s wrong?” my mom asked. “You are happy about this, right?”

I nodded, not able to speak.

“Does he know?”

“I just found out,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“You two are still talking, right? I thought you said things ended on a much better note than they had when he was here.”

I nodded. “Yes, but, Mom, we can’t get married.”

“Mia, wait. I’m afraid I don’t understand. What’s going on? Is it still the distance thing? If it is, both of you need to realize that love is far more important than any silly job. Both of you are smart, educated, and driven. You can get a job anywhere, and so can he.”

I took a few deep breaths. “That’s exactly why we can’t get married.”

“Because of the jobs? Please tell me you are not seriously considering giving up on everything because you are too stubborn to look for a new job,” she said with exasperation.

Shrugging a shoulder, I replied, “That is one reason, but mostly it’s because he doesn’t love me. He wants to marry me just to be married. He wants kids to complete his own dreams and goals. I don’t know that he cares who gives him a child or who takes his name. He is so goal-orientate; he just wants to be married.”

“Now that can’t be true, honey. I saw the way you two were together. He cares about you. He looked at you with such tenderness, it made me a little jealous,” she teased.

I scoffed. “You care about a friend. You love your wife and the mother of your child. I have no doubt in my mind that he is fond of me, but that’s not what I want. I want a man who is head over heels in love with me.”

She shrugged. “Sometimes you have to grow to love one another. He may not even recognize his feelings. Has he ever been in love? Maybe he doesn’t know he’s in love with you. You know he didn’t have the best childhood growing up. For some people, love isn’t so easy,” she said.

I didn’t want to wait for him to figure it out. I knew I loved him already. I wanted him to love me for me, not because of some stupid pact. I definitely didn’t want him to really push the marriage thing because I was pregnant. I didn’t want a marriage based on that. I wanted love. If he didn’t know what love was or what it felt like, I was not up for being his guinea pig. It wasn’t like I was an expert in that department anyway. It was just something you knew in your heart.

“I want more. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me and not just care about me as his best friend and the mother of his child.”

“You have to tell him, Mia. Don’t expect him to read your mind.”

Shrugging, I said, “I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again. I could have the baby and he wouldn’t even know.”

My mom glared at me. “You cannot do that. It isn’t fair to your child or to Brad. He isn’t just some guy or a random one-night stand. You know he wants children. If you didn’t want to have a child with him, you should have been more careful,” she said.

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Just the same. You’re pregnant and he has a right to know. I’m not saying you have to marry him. I think it may be wise to wait a few weeks, though. Maybe he’ll realize he loves you and then you can tell him about the baby.”

I laughed. “I don’t know how he is going to realize it when we don’t see each other.”

She shrugged. “Mia, you don’t have to see one another to fall in love. Love is about sharing your life with someone. You do that over the phone already. In fact, this distance might be a good thing. It gives you the chance to really get to know each other without other things getting in the way,” she said with a knowing smile.

She was spot on. When Brad and I were together, it was difficult to think about anything other than sex. It was like our bodies were drawn to each other. It was magnetic. When I was around him, I wanted to be on him or under him, and I knew he felt the same way.

“You’re probably right.”

Our waiter appeared, and we placed our food order. Suddenly, I was crying again.

“Mia?” my mom asked softly. “What is it now?”

“I’m so happy,” I gurgled.

She burst into laughter. “Oh my, you definitely have the pregnancy hormones racing through your body. Be happy. I’m happy. This is a beautiful thing no matter how much stuff is going on between you and Brad.”

Nodding, I went on. “I was beginning to think I would never have a baby, so I can’t believe it’s actually happening.”

My mom’s eyes were bright with tears as well. “I’m going to be a grandma.”

I laughed. “Yes, you are.”

“I’m going to spoil that child more than any other grandma in the history of all time.”

I groaned. “Not too badly.”

She waved a hand in the air. “No, no. It’s written clearly in the grandma code. It is my job to spoil the child and then hand him or her back to you to deal with. I can’t wait.”

We ate our meal and spent an hour talking about it all and everything I would need before the baby arrived. It truly was overwhelming to think I could be doing it all on my own. I knew my mom would be there to help out, but ultimately, it was my responsibility.

That night, Brad called right on time. He called at the same time every night, like clockwork. I smiled when I saw his number on the screen.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey, beautiful.” He greeted me the same way every night, too.

It was sweet and heartfelt. I loved that he thought I was beautiful. Would he think I was beautiful when I was nine months pregnant and had swollen ankles? Did he only want the marriage because I was attractive? What if he didn’t find me attractive during and after the pregnancy? The pact allowed us to step outside our marriage vows if the sex wasn’t satisfying, but I could never have a marriage like that.

We talked for a few minutes. Something felt off. Was it me or him? I didn’t know. Maybe it was because I knew I was keeping something big from him.

“You know what, I’m really tired tonight. I think I’m going to go to sleep,” I said, cutting our typical hour-long conversation short.

“You okay?” he asked with concern.

“I’m fine. It’s just been a long week.”

“Okay,” he said, disappointment evident in his voice.

I quickly hung up the phone, fighting the urge to tell him I loved him. For me, it felt like we had been together forever, and telling him I loved him felt natural. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same way. I would have to figure out how to tell him about the baby. I certainly didn’t want a pity proposal.

All else aside, I was truly happy to be pregnant, and that was what I would focus on. The marriage pact and everything else didn’t matter. I could deal with all of that later.