CHAPTER 6

 

“So, let me get this straight,” Neil has his palms pressed together like he’s trying not to lash out and scream at me. “You wrote a sex book and published it, because you were upset that your father died. Is that what you’re telling me?” Neil’s tone drips with condescension. He stands suddenly, unable to look at me. “I’d expect this kind of thing from Maggie, but not you.”

“What kind of thing, Neil? Cathartic writing?” I can’t look at him, but I don’t like the way he’s talking to me.

“Which part was cathartic, Hallie? Graphic details of going down on some guy, or bending over and getting nailed from behind?”

I tense all over when he speaks to me this way. It’s like a verbal slap. “I did what I needed to do to deal with the shitload of crap that came rolling my way. If you can’t deal with it, then maybe this is a bad idea.” I gesture between us and glance at the door. I can’t go to Maggie’s, but I can’t stay here with Neil looking down his nose at me. He thinks he has everything completely figured out, and maybe he does, but I’m not apologizing for one of the only times in my life that I was truly happy.

Less defensive, Hallie. The stuff in the book didn’t happen. I chant the lie inside my head over and over again, and try not to react.

“If I can’t deal with it? Did you really just say that? What have I been telling you since this happened? You need to talk to someone! I told you that you can talk to me, but you didn’t do that. Instead you wrote a horribly filthy thing and never said a word. People are talking about it, Hallie, and do you know what they think? They’re saying it’s about us!” Neil’s voice is an entire squeaky octave higher when he’s done speaking. His hands are flying through the air like he’s a ninja leading an orchestra. “Us!”

“Who cares what people say? You’re the one who’s always saying that, so—” The phone rings and I so don’t want to have this conversation. Maybe I’m a coward, but I answer it, which makes him go insane. Neil stomps out of the room. I don’t follow him as he bangs around in the kitchen, slamming drawers. “Hello?” I say calmly, like I’m not in the middle of the argument from hell.

“Hello, Miss Raymond, I presume?”

“Yes, this is she. How can I help you?” Neil glares at me through the doorway. I wish he’d at least act like he understands. Pretend sympathy is better than none.

“This is Cecily Varden from Varden Agency in New York. Are you the author of LOVE I HAVE LOST?”

“Yes.” I tuck my hands into the crooks of my arms and lean back against the counter. “Listen, now really isn’t a good time—”

“I apologize, but I’ve been trying to get hold of you for days. I have several offers for your book.”

“I’m not interested.” I’m about to hang up, but her voice takes on a frantic high-pitched hurried sound that stops me.

“Wait, they’re offering seven figures, plus another contract for a movie. Miss Raymond, I understand that you’ve been through a lot recently, and I don’t want to trouble you, but you need to realize that there are people offering you a great deal of money for the story you’ve written. It’s touched people in a way that isn’t seen every day.” I don’t blink. I stand there with my brows slightly raised and stare at the wall. “Miss Raymond?”

I nod slowly. “I can’t discuss this right now, but I give you permission to speak with Neil Scortz about it.” I shove the phone at Neil before turning away and rushing out the front door.

My body doesn’t respond the way it should. My stomach churns like I drank spoiled milk and I hurl in Neil’s roses. My entire body aches and for a second I can feel again. Pressing my lips together, I sit down hard on the front stoop and clutch my face in my hands. This can’t be happening. The answer to all my prayers is dangling in front of me, but I can’t take it. If I do, it’ll expose Bryan and I’ll lose Neil. But, if I don’t take the money then there’s no way to finish school. Dad gave up so much for me. Oh God. I could get the house back. I could walk into the bank and just buy the thing. I wouldn’t even need a mortgage. It feels like my body is being torn in half, so I double over to ease the pain. Sweat beads on my forehead and I start crying into my knees.

I can’t lose anyone else. Not now. I just can’t.

I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting like that when a hand touches my shoulder. Before I can look up, my reflexes kick in. My spine goes straight as my elbow flies back and connects with his stomach. Neil curses and staggers back, gasping, “Damn it, Hallie!”

I jump up and grab his shoulder, trying to turn him toward me. “I’m sorry. You startled me. Neil, I didn’t mean to.”

Neil is clutching his stomach and looks up at me. I’ve done this to him more than once. He has really slow reflexes. You’d think he’d jump out of the way by now, or walk around so I can see him before touching my shoulders. Call it a New York survival instinct, but I don’t like it when people walk up behind me.

He tries to smile at me. “I’m fine.” Taking my hand, he sits on the porch and pulls me down next to him. “Do you want to know what she said?”

I stare straight ahead and lean into his shoulder. “I don’t really care. I can’t say yes, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course you can say yes.” Neil looks at me funnily. “Why would you say that?”

Who are you and what have you done with Neil? My mouth hangs open for a moment, before I blurt out, “You were just yelling at me for writing that story, so how could it possibly be okay to publish it? Or make a movie?” Oh God, my head hurts. I kind of wish it would just explode and be done with it. I sigh deeply and try not to cry.

“Hallie, do you know how many copies you’ve had downloaded?” I shake my head. I saw some numbers on the screen earlier, but I didn’t stop to see what they were or what they meant. He smiles at me like I need to have someone hold my hand and walk me through it. “You’ve gotten big enough to attract major attention. The press has been buzzing about you, which made everyone else look. Listen, you already wrote the book and everyone already knows. You should take the deal.”

“But what about us?”

He shrugs and looks out at the street. “It’s fiction, right?” Oh God. There’s a lake of fire in Hell with my name on it. I nod and try not to look guilty. “So, then it’s just another piece of sensationalized trash, but this time it benefits us.” He actually smiles and bumps my shoulder.

It’s not trash, not to me. Looking at my hands, I ask, “Did you read it?”

“Do I need to?”

I shake my head. “Just wondering.”

He runs his hands through his short hair and sighs, and his rigid spine finally relaxes. “Listen, Hallie. The damage is already done. I’ll have to face the guys at work no matter what you do, so you might as well take the money. I’ll admit that it softens the blow.” He offers a weak smile and rests his hand on my back. “What I don’t know how to explain is why you’d write something so animalistic in the first place. It’s not like you actually want to do those things, right?” He laughs nervously and I know I can’t tell him everything, but I can’t help but nudge him that way.

I look over at him and keep my hands clasped together in my lap. “Would it be so bad?” His eyes widen as a look of shock crosses his face. “Not all of it, but being a little more, I don’t know, passionate? Would that be so bad?”

“That’s not passion, sweetie. It’s morally devoid to go at it like beasts. You’re a smart woman, does it really appeal to you to act like a mindless animal?” Neil has a concerned look on his face as he waits for my reply.

There’s nothing I can say that doesn’t sound wrong. “No, it doesn’t.” My stomach sinks and my body feels numb again. Intellectually, Neil is up there, but he has the emotional barometer of a cactus. “So, what’d you tell Varden?”

He smiles at me. “I told her to draw up the papers.”