CHAPTER 9
I don’t know what to do. Everything is riding on this moment and Bryan could destroy it. Not only is he magnificently wealthy, so the press will flock to him like flies on a dead body, but he’s a Ferro. Ferros have power and resources that I’m lacking.
I try to handle it on my own, but I can’t. I need Neil. He’s been my emotional crutch through this and a piece of my past just reared up and kicked me in the stomach. I can’t breathe and I don’t want to go to Bryan’s room.
I don’t understand this side of him. Cruel isn’t a word I would have used to describe him, but the way he looked at me just now makes me sick. I feel like I’ve done something horrible, but when I stop to think about what my reaction would be if our roles were reversed, I wouldn’t do what he’s doing. I’d silently steam about it and then rationalize that it must have been about someone else. Bryan loved me once. He wouldn’t do this, but he is and I need to deal with it. Now.
By the time I find Neil in the cluster of people, fear is choking me. I manage a smile, but he sees through it quickly. Someone makes a joke and the circle of people all laugh. Cecily tries to take my arm to introduce me to more guests, but I hold up a finger and gesture for Neil as I step away, indicating that he should follow me.
We cross the room quickly, and head away from the crowds of people. Neil grabs a champagne glass off a tray. “Here, drink this and calm down. You can’t be known as the romance writer who throws up. That’s not the reputation we want you to have.” Neil shoves the glass into my trembling hands and wraps my fingers around it.
I stare at it for a second, and then back up at my boyfriend. I don’t know what to say, or how to start, so I blurt it out. “Bryan Ferro and I had a relationship when I was younger. No one knew about it.” Neil’s eyes bug out of his head in a cartoonish way right before his jaw drops. I muster a shaky breath and continue. “That’s not the part that has me freaking out and covered in sweat. He thinks the book I wrote is about him.”
Neil folds his arms across his chest and tucks his chin. His eyes flick up to meet mine for a split second, before scanning the faces in the crowd. He speaks softly, so no one else can hear. “Unbelievable. And he intends to tell everyone about it?”
“Yes, plus anything else he needs to say. Neil, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen and now that it has, I don’t know what to do. Bryan isn’t like this—”
“How would you know? I mean, some of the things he was doing—a man will say anything to get what he wants. You’re not that naïve, Hallie.” Neil shakes his head as he rubs his thumb across his lower lip. “Besides, I don’t see how this situation is bad. Adding a Ferro to the mix will just bring you more publicity and more publicity will bring more money.”
I want to say who are you? Neil’s been taken over by business demons. It’s like he didn’t hear my cry for help. “No, you don’t understand. Bryan doesn’t want to help me, he wants to destroy me! He thinks I used him. Neil, he’s blackmailing me. If I don’t show up in his room at midnight, he’s going to torch this whole thing. It’s not a matter of exposing things, he wants to hurt me.”
A knot forms in my throat and I can no longer swallow. If Bryan does that, I lose everything. He could easily destroy any business relationships that are starting to grow. There’ll be no hope of getting my Dad’s house back, no hope of pulling out of the downward death spiral my finances are in, no hope of anything. A shiver rakes across my skin and I’m close to tears. I wish to God that Neil would take me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay, that we can fix this.
Instead, Neil stands there, a step away from me with his thumb rubbing his lip. There’s a glazed over look on his face, as if his mind is a million miles away. When he finally looks up at me, I feel relieved. I recognize the confidence in his eyes. “So, we do what’s best for us.”
Neil smiles at me and for a second, I think he’s figured out a way through this, and that everything will be okay. “Listen, I don’t like it Hallie, but you’ve already slept with the guy, so what’s one more night? What difference does it make?” I nearly choke, but he holds up his hand and gives me his shrink face. “Now, wait a second. Let’s think about this rationally for a moment. That’s why you’re bent out of shape. There’s a clear answer here, but you don’t see it.” He smiles and presses his fingers to his chest. “That’s why you need me. It’s okay, Hallie,” he puts his arm over my shoulder and starts to walk. “Drink that and listen.”
I drain the glass quickly as Neil rationally and emotionlessly tells me what I need to do. “If you say no, you stand to lose everything. If you go and do what he wants, then nothing changes. Don’t get me wrong, Hallie. I don’t like this, but let’s face facts. You’ve already slept with the guy. It’s not like he hasn’t had you before, so this shouldn’t compromise your morality, especially since I think it’s the rational thing to do.”
My chest feels hollow, like someone carved it out and my heart died. I live day to day, hardly feeling anything anymore. The numbness has swallowed me whole for the most part, and the only way that I know I still have the ability to feel is because of times like this. Neil should be outraged. He should want to go and punch Ferro in the face, but instead, he’s rationalizing about how it’s easier for us—like he’s the one who has to do it—to just sleep with Bryan.
My eyes are glued to the carpet. When I look up, they’re glossy and my lips are pulled into a thin line. “So, you’d pass me around to my ex-lovers? That’s nice to know. What happens when more of them show up? Should we just make an orgy sign up list?” I’m mad, so insanely mad that I could rip his face off.
“Hallie, please. It’s not like that at all and none of your other lovers were Ferros, were they? So don’t be silly. They don’t have the power to crush you, but this one does. This time is different and you know it. The easiest way to deal with it is to give him what he wants, and not make a big deal out of it. After all, logic is what sets us above the animals, our ability to rationalize and think through the ramifications. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you want him meddling with your life?”
“I don’t want you meddling with my life, either.”
“Now, Hallie. Tell me the truth—you had to be thinking the same thing? It’s easier for you to revisit your past for a night and put it behind you. Unless you want Bryan Ferro showing up on a daily basis and ruining everything?”
Neil’s talking to me like I’m a child and can’t think this through, but I can. It amazes me that he’s so cold about it. If he ended up sleeping with one of his exes I wouldn’t let it slide, because he’s mine now. And that’s what’s making my jaw tighten—he should be possessive and not want to share, but somehow he’s rationalized that sleeping with Bryan once is all right.
When I fail to answer, he leans in closer and says, “I didn’t think so. So end it. Go up there, do what he says, and walk out. If that doesn’t put you at ease, record the whole thing so if he tries to throw it back in your face, you can nail him for blackmail. That would actually be good press, Hallie.” He stares into space and smiles.
When I manage to unlock my jaw, I’m fuming. “I didn’t know you were so shallow.”
“I’m shallow? Me?” He rounds on me with hysteria in his eyes. “You wrote the biggest piece of literary trash to grace the world this century, and they reward you with more money than I could earn in a lifetime. Earn, Hallie, from hard work and perseverance.”
He drops his voice to a whisper and he leans in so we’re nose to nose. “If I knew you actually did the things in your story, I would have never gone out with you, but those days are far behind us. People can change and you have. I forgive you for Bryan Ferro and all the animalistic actions of your past, even though the idea disgusts me, make no mistake of that. Therefore, if it takes one more night of degrading yourself, I fail to see your complaint, because you’ve already lowered yourself to that level on more than one occasion, so don’t talk to me about being shallow, Hallie. I don’t want to hear another word about Bryan Ferro after tonight. Go to his room, do what he wants, and record it. If he brings it up again, he’ll get slapped with a legal suit that will make him sorry he ever met you.”
Neil grabs a drink off a passing tray and walks away, leaving me standing in the corner of the room alone. Turmoil snakes through me, spinning and clutching, making my head throb. So, it turns out that I have no idea who Neil is, even after all this time. Apparently, I’m worth a specific amount of cash and the offers that Cecily has been talking about caught his attention. Add in the fact that Neil knows that I won’t let him go, not after losing my father, and he can say whatever he wants. I expected him to soothe me, to stand up for me, but he didn’t. Instead, he made it clear that he thinks my talent is an abomination and that my relationship with Bryan was even worse.
Bryan. When I think of his name I nearly shatter the empty glass in my hand. A single pop catches my ear and I look down at my hand just in time to see a white line run through the side of the crystal. Forcing my grip free, I place it on a tray, and grab another. I’m going to have to be very drunk to face Bryan, and even more so to face Neil again, afterward.